


From Demons to Daylight

by hurtleturtle



Series: From Demons to Daylight [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 140,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4301067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurtleturtle/pseuds/hurtleturtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After running away from her abusive mother, Carmilla lives on the streets, addicted to drugs. Things start to change when she meets Laura, an eager young counselor who goes out of her way to help. Eventual Carmilla/Laura.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Light at the End of the Tunnel

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: drug use, homelessness, and implied prostitution
> 
> This is my first time writing (and actually sharing) a fic like this, so please feel free to leave notes and let me know how it is! Enjoy! My tumblr is also hurtleturtle (hurtleturtle.tumblr.com) if you feel like saying hi over there!

The thin girl with the long, dark hair pulled her jacket tighter around herself as she walked down the street. It was December, and the thin, forest green cargo jacket was no longer enough to keep her warm when biting winds cut through the streets. She was thin, too, which didn’t do her any favors when the temperatures started to drop.

  
“Carmilla, what have you gotten yourself into?” she said to herself, tucking her hands into her sleeves to try to keep them warm.

  
Carmilla continued down the street, touching her fingertips to her pocket again to make sure that her money was still there. She had just barely enough to buy another bundle from her dealer. It would last her a few days, and then she’d have to figure out how to make some money to score her next hit. But she didn’t have to worry about that until this bundle ran out. Carmilla kept her head down, tucking her curly hair back behind her ear. Her pupils were dilated, and her eyes looked like they’d both been blacked by a couple of punches. It was the reason she hated going out––people always gave her weird looks, and their glances lingered for longer than Carmilla felt comfortable with.  
Carmilla hurried to the house that she usually visited at least once a week. It was a row home, shabby, but not run down, with dead potted plants lining the porch. Carmilla remembered when the home had still been well cared for. But the more drugs the owners did, the less they seemed to care about appearances.

  
Carmilla hurried to the door, taking the few stairs two at a time. She rapped quickly on the solid wooden door, and then waited, shifting her weight back and forth from one foot to the other. She waited for a minute, glancing over her shoulder every couple seconds to make sure that no one was watching. When no one came to the door, Carmilla knocked again, her knuckles hitting the door harder this time. Finally, she heard the click of a lock being unlocked.

  
“Hey, come on in!” Carmilla followed her dealer into the house, turning to look at him as he locked the door behind him. He was short, barely taller than Carmilla, and pale. His skin was so pale, Carmilla was sure that his only contact with the outdoors came when he opened his front door. His hair was dark brown, messy, and long, falling to his chin in long, greasy locks. No matter how many times Carmilla spent time with him, she never quite felt comfortable around him.

  
“Hey, Mark,” Carmilla said, shoving her hands deep into her back pockets.

  
“So, what do you need?” Mark asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He and Carmilla used to spend more time together, hanging out and getting high together. But once, when they’d both been high, he’d tried to take advantage of Carmilla, and she’d broken his nose. Ever since then, their interactions were short and entirely transactional, and Carmilla hadn’t been welcome to stay in his house anymore. That was when she’d been forced to fend for herself more, finding places to live on the streets and eeking out a living on her own.

  
“I need another bundle,” Carmilla said, her eyes not meeting Mark’s.

  
“Sure thing. It’ll be two hundred, even.” Mark stayed where he was, waiting for Carmilla to pass him the money before he went to get her bundle.

  
“There,” Carmilla said, thrusting a fistful of cash towards Mark. She was already starting to rock on the balls of her feet, eager to get another fix. She waited impatiently as Mark counted out the cash, checking slowly to make sure that he had the right amount.

  
“You know, I’ve got a proposition for you if you want some extra,” Mark said, raising an eyebrow at Carmilla.

  
“Going to have to pass,” Carmilla answered. She winked at him as she said, “You caught me at a bad time for that.”

  
“Oh,” Mark said, his jaw clenching slightly as his eyes flickered over Carmilla, taking her in from head to foot. “Well, maybe next time then. Be right back.”

  
Carmilla waited for Mark to come back from the other room, holding a small bag in his hands. “Alright, here it is. I’ll give you a hit for free if you want to hang out a bit.”

  
“Just hang out?” Carmilla asked skeptically.

  
“Just talk,” Mark answered, nodding his head. “Besides, this shit knocks me out pretty quick these days anyway.”

  
“Fair enough,” Carmilla conceded. She followed Mark into the living room and dropped onto one of the couches that lined the room. Mark often had a parade of people in and out of the living room, all in various states of drug use. But today it was mostly empty, save one girl, who was passed out on the couch, her chest rising and falling gently as she slept. Carmilla watched as Mark measured out enough heroin for each of them, and heated it with a lighter under a metal spoon. It took a few minutes before it was ready and Mark pulled it up into a needle.  
“You want to go first?” Mark asked, holding the needle out to Carmilla.

  
“Tie me up?” Carmilla asked, holding out her arm. Mark nodded and wrapped a thin elastic band around her arm, tying it tightly just above her elbow. Carmilla slapped the exposed crook of her elbow a few times, until she could finally see the vein well enough to press the tip of the needle to it. She took a deep breath, savoring the few seconds before she pressed her thumb down on the plunger, flushing the drugs into her system.

  
Carmilla felt the drugs running through her veins, and everything started to feel right again. Everything that she was worried about melted away. She watched, almost literally through rose-colored glasses as Mark repeated the process, liquefying the heroin in his own spoon, refilling the syringe Carmilla had just emptied, and flushing the drugs into his system.

  
“That’s the life, isn’t it?” Mark asked, leaning back into a pile of pillows on the floor. “Everything’s better like this.”

  
“Damn straight,” Carmilla replied. Mark laughed gently in response, grinning broadly at Carmilla. Carmilla smiled right back at him. She missed this, just spending time with Mark and the rest of their friends, without a care in the world.

  
They sat like that for a while, just sitting in silence, enjoying each other’s company––but mostly just enjoying the feeling of heroin coursing through their bodies. After what felt like hours, Carmilla pushed herself up from the couch. She looked down at Mark, about to tell him that she was leaving, but he’d been right about the drugs knocking him out––he was lying on the pillows, exactly where he’d sprawled out after injecting himself with the drugs.

  
Carmilla headed to the door, but halfway there she stopped, her mind racing. With Mark and the only other occupant of the house both passed out, she could help herself to a few free doses. If she only took a few, Mark wouldn’t even notice that they were gone. Carmilla crept back through the house, and found the door that she’d seen Mark go through so many times to retrieve drugs for someone. She eased the door open, moving it forward gently so that it wouldn’t creak. She rushed into the room, and glanced around for the familiar drug she was seeking.

  
“Got it,” she whispered under her breath, her eyes falling on the heroin, already packaged by the dose. She glanced back towards the door, just in case Mark woke up and came to check on things. The coast was still clear. So she grabbed a handful of doses, and crept back out, easing the door shut behind her. Carmilla rushed back to the front door, and unclicked the lock.

  
“What’re you doing?”

  
Carmilla turned quickly to face Mark, her heart leaping into her throat. “Hey, I’m just heading out. I didn’t want to wake you up, you seemed pretty comfortable.”

  
“Always wake me up when you’re leaving,” Mark said sharply. “I can’t have you leaving the door unlocked behind you.”

  
“Sorry,” Carmilla said, relief flooding her system as she realised that Mark wasn’t even suspicious of her. “I’ll keep that in mind next time.”

  
“See ya around, Carm,” Mark said, watching as Carmilla hurried back down the stairs and out to the street.

 

 

Carmilla wandered around the street, enjoying the day. Everything was better with heroin mixed with her blood. Nothing mattered, and nothing could possibly bother her. Carmilla headed towards a park, blissfully ignoring the looks that people gave her as she passed. She knew how she must appear to others: attractive, with curly black hair falling loosely around her face; dressed entirely in black, save her forest-green jacket. Other than the dark circles around her eyes, and pale, drawn face, Carmilla figured she looked like any other college-aged girl in the city.

  
After an hour or so in the park, Carmilla was starting to feel the drugs wear off. They weren’t lasting as long as they used to, and Carmilla was having to inject herself more and more frequently. She was already up to three times a day, and she knew she couldn’t afford to keep buying as much as she was. But she had enough to get her through a few more days, so she just pushed that thought to the back of her mind. For now, it was time for Carmilla to head back to the alley she called home, where she’d be able to shoot up again in peace.

  
So Carmilla got up from the bench and headed back out of the park. She headed across town, her pace increasing as she felt the high grow weaker and weaker. She was almost home––just ten more minutes, and she’d be there. She had her head down, and she didn’t even see the girl walking towards her––until she collided with her, practically flattening the girl, who was several inches shorter than Carmilla.

  
“Shit!” Carmilla cursed, grabbing the girl by the arms to keep her from falling. “Sorry, I, uh, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

  
“Hey, don’t worry about it!” The other girl answered cheerfully, grinning at Carmilla even as she straightened her jacket out again. But when she met Carmilla’s eyes, her smile faltered.

  
Carmilla squirmed uncomfortably. “Well, sorry, I’ll just be on my way then,” she said, stepping around the girl to continue on her way.  
“Wait!” the other girl called after her. Against her better judgement, Carmilla turned to see what the other girl wanted. “Are you alright? You look like someone hit you.”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes. If this girl really thought that someone had punched Carmilla and given her two black eyes, she must be incredibly naive.

  
“Cause if someone hit you, you should definitely report that to the police. And if you don’t have a safe place to stay, there are plenty of shelters that would take you in for a night. Or you could even stay with me if you really needed to, I’d feel horrible if I sent you back to live with someone who did something like that.”

  
Carmilla had never heard anyone string together such a long series of words so quickly––and she’d spent enough time around meth users that she really thought she’d seen it all. “No one hit me, and it really wouldn’t be any of your business even if someone had,” Carmilla snapped, turning to leave again.

  
“Sorry,” the other girl said, her cheeks flushing. “It’s just that I’m a counselor at a center for abused women, so I guess I just start seeing signs of abuse in everyone. I even told two of my best friends––LaF and Perry that they might want to get relationship counseling because they’re such polar opposites sometimes, but I guess opposites attract. Anyways, I guess I’m always trying to help out one way or another. I’m Laura, by the way.”

  
“I don’t need your help, Laura,” Carmilla sneered. “Just fuck off, alright? I apologized for running you over, now just leave me alone and go on your way.”

  
Laura looked like she’d been slapped. She was pretty, though her round face and soft, brown eyes gave her an innocent, almost childish look. She had long, dirty blonde hair that fell to her ribs in perfect loose curls. She looked like she had everything. Carmilla would bet that she even had a nice warm bed to curl up in at night. Carmilla spun on her heel and marched away, leaving Laura standing on the sidewalk, staring after her.

 

Carmilla hurried back to her ‘home,’ pushing the thought of Laura from her mind. Why did some random girl care about Carmilla so much anyway? It’s not like they were friends. And Carmilla didn’t need help anyway––she was doing just fine on her own.

  
Carmilla settled into her home, which consisted of several large cardboard boxes, folded together and leaned against the wall of a building. It was all the way at the back of the alley, which meant that people had to know that she was there in order to see her shelter. There were a few blankets on the ground, just enough to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. In the very back corner, kept tied in plastic bags, were the rest of Carmilla’s clothes, although there wasn’t much there. Three pairs of pants, a handful of shirts, and her cargo jacket were the only clothes she had left. Her combat boots were the only shoes she had, and they were so worn that they were more grey, cracked leather than their original polished black.

  
Carmilla laid out the doses of heroin, staring at them for a minute. She couldn’t afford to keep using as much as she was; maybe it was time for her to quit. She entertained the thought for a little while, but it was a pointless argument. Who was she kidding? Carmilla couldn’t go more than a few hours without shooting up––the days just felt too painful without it. Sighing, Carmilla went through the now-familiar routine or liquefying the drug, filling the syringe, pulling a belt tight around her arm, and injecting the liquid into her system. She started to doze off just a few minutes after the drugs started to hit her.

 

 

 

It took a few days for Carmilla to run out of the drugs that she had left, and when she had only one dose left, she started to panic. She didn’t have any money: she’d spent the last of it on a cheap meal from a fast food restaurant the day before. So Carmilla changed into a fresher outfit when she woke up one morning, injected her last dose of heroin, and headed out to try to make some cash, in whatever way possible.  
In the right neighborhood, it didn’t take long before a car pulled up alongside Carmilla, the window rolled down, and a man in a business suit leaning towards her, several twenty dollar bills already visible in his hand. He and Carmilla went back and forth, before settling on price and what exactly she was willing to do. Finally, Carmilla climbed into the car, and took his money as the man drove away.

  
Nearly an hour later, the man’s car pulled up next to the curb, and Carmilla was shoved unceremoniously from the car. She’d fought with the man when he’d tried to go too far, but she refused to give up the money he’d already paid her, since she’d done everything she’d agreed to do for it. And so he’d pulled up on the edge of the street, forced the door open, and shoved Carmilla out onto the sidewalk. She hit the ground hard, groaning with pain as she hit the sidewalk. She pushed herself up from the ground, wincing as she felt a stab of pain in her side. She sat there for a minute, knees bent, as she looked over herself, trying to assess the damage. Her hand was bleeding from her attempt to break her fall, and it felt like there was a bruise near the top of her forehead from hitting the ground. But otherwise, she felt mostly unharmed. She brushed herself off, ignoring the blood that stained her hand, and started heading toward Mark’s house.

  
“Hey!”

  
Carmilla winced as she heard the voice behind her, but she ignored whoever it was, pulled the hood of her jacket up over her head, and kept walking.

  
“Hey, wait!”

  
Carmilla knew that the person was talking to her, and she could hear rapid footsteps rushing toward her, but she continued to ignore whoever it was that was chasing after her.

  
“I said wait!”

  
Carmilla almost punched the person who was following her when they came up right behind her and grabbed her arm, spinning her around to face them. Carmilla felt a surge of annoyance as she recognized the girl standing in front of her. Carmilla rolled her eyes as she said, “Laura. Can’t say I’m thrilled to see you again.”

  
Laura shifted uncomfortably, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. And it’s not like I’m following you or anything, I swear. My job’s just around the corner, and I was just heading out to grab lunch, and I saw you-uh-I saw that guy––”

  
“You saw me get shoved out of a car by a john,” Carmilla said flatly. She didn’t know what it was about this girl, but something about her made Carmilla feel bad; ashamed of some of the things she’d done. “Listen, just don’t worry about it. I needed to make some extra cash, and when you look like me, it’s not too hard to make a few bucks here and there.”

  
“You deserve better than that,” Laura said sadly, reaching out toward Carmilla. Before she actually touched Carmilla though, she drew her hand back, as though she’d been burned, and crossed her arms over her chest.

  
Carmilla shifted her weight slightly, wishing she could think of something to say, and wondering why on earth she cared so much.

  
“Listen, at least come back to my shelter with me, I’ll get you cleaned up. If you’re walking around with a bloody hand all day, you might get stopped by a police officer or something.”

  
“Fine,” Carmilla said. The grin the smaller girl gave in response was practically unbearable. Carmilla shoved her hands deep into her pockets and fell in step beside Laura, following her lead.

  
“So I work at a shelter for abused women and children. It’s just up around the corner here. If you’re from the neighborhood, you’ve probably passed it before. But, um, yeah, it’s a really good job. I love being able to work with the women and kids and getting them help so they can get out of bad relationships. Cause no one deserves to be stuck with someone who treats them like that, you know?”

  
Carmilla couldn’t help but smile slightly, the corner of her mouth just barely twitching up. The more she heard this girl talk, the more she got the impression that Laura was a genuinely good person, with pure intentions. Carmilla couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be so selfless. Despite her best instincts, Carmilla decided to talk to her. “So, how long have you worked at the shelter?”

  
“Just about a year now,” Laura answered cheerfully. “I started interning there during the summer after my sophomore year, and I interned there again last summer, and they offered me a full time job once I graduated. I couldn’t say no! So I’ve been there about a year full-time now, but I interned with them before.” Laura took a long pause, as though trying to choose her words with the utmost care. “So, if you could have any job in the world, what would you want to do?”

  
“People like me don’t get ‘dream jobs,’” Carmilla said bitterly.

  
“Anyone can get something if they’re willing to work hard enough. Everyone deserves a second chance. You just have to want it badly enough.”

  
Carmilla was amazed by the way Laura offered up subtle criticism without sounding too harsh. Carmilla figured that that must be what made her such a good counselor. It had been a long time since she’d thought about having any kind of job. She’d thought about it when she’d first started living on the street, but once Carmilla realized she couldn’t afford college, she’d given up on most of her dreams. Everything just seemed so unattainable when you weren’t even sure where your next meal was going to come from.

  
“I always wanted to study philosophy,” Carmilla said softly.

  
“Oh, that’s really cool!” Laura said enthusiastically. “I took a few philosophy classes when I was in school, and they were really interesting. I liked the way they force you to look at things in a different way than you might usually. Do you know what you’d want to do with a degree like that?”

  
“I never really thought that far ahead,” Carmilla admitted. “But I guess I’d like to do something where I could make a difference. Maybe be a teacher or something.”

  
“That’d be awesome! My girlfriend’s a TA, so she helps out with some aspects of teaching, and she loves it. She wanted to be a writer when she first started school, but now she’s almost done with grad school and she’s thinking about getting a teaching certification. If you ever want to talk to her about teaching, I can put you too in touch.”

  
Carmilla couldn’t decide whether Laura made her feel uncomfortable or special. The way she talked to Carmilla, as though they were old friends, made Carmilla feel weird, but in a good way. Carmilla hadn’t had someone talk to her like that since she’d lost contact with her old friends, and it felt nice to have someone treat her as though she actually had value. Most people just looked at Carmilla like she was a waste of space.

  
“It doesn’t really matter what goals or hopes I have,” Carmilla said, crossing her arms defensively. “I can’t afford to go to college, and no one would trust a homeless junkie to teach their kids.”

  
Laura almost stopped walking, but she recovered quickly, taking a few quick steps to catch back up. Carmilla realized that Laura really didn’t have any idea from their first run-in that Carmilla was using; she was impressed by Laura’s apparent sensitivity to any signs of abuse, but amazed that she was naive enough to miss classic signs of drug use.

  
“If you need a place to stay, you can stay at the shelter,” Laura said, her voice sounding more somber than it had before. “How have you been staying warm? It’s been dropping to like forty some degrees at night!”

  
“I’ve got a decent shelter,” Carmilla said, feeling defensive. “And I’ve got a few blankets too. When it gets too cold, I just light a fire and that’s usually enough to keep me warm.”

  
Laura’s big, brown eyes made it difficult for Carmilla to meet her eyes. She couldn’t remember ever feeling quite so guilty about her lifestyle. The fact that Laura had seen her get pushed out of a john’s car just made Carmilla feel even worse. She hated this feeling; she just wanted to get away, to get to Mark’s house, and shoot up again. That was the only thing Carmilla knew would make her feel better. It was the only thing that always made her feel better.

  
“Well, I really think you should stay at the shelter. At least tonight. See how you like it. It’s supposed to be only for victims of abuse, but I can make an exception for you, if you’re interested.”

  
“I’ll think about it,” Carmilla said. She was clamming up again, unwilling to keep opening herself up and sharing more and more about herself with this near-stranger.

  
They continued the rest of the way to the shelter in silence, Carmilla wishing she were just about anywhere else at that moment, but unable to come up with a good enough excuse to break away from Laura. So she followed the smaller girl down the sidewalk, around the corner, and through the fogged-glass double doors of the shelter.

  
Once they were in the shelter, Laura started talking again, pointing different things out to Carmilla as they walked through. “So those are the front doors, which lead into our main lobby, and they’re pretty much always open. We’ve got three full-time receptionists/counselors, and they talk to people when they first get here. Basically, it’s their job to do their best to determine if someone is a genuine abuse victim––which they usually are if they come here. But after this, it’s a much more secure facility. Sometimes abusive partners can be incredibly violent, so we do our best to make sure that people aren’t in danger when they’re staying with us.

  
“So over here we’ve got solid doors that go into lockdown between five and nine, and you have to have a key to get in or out. That way women can come and go as they need to, but it’s near impossible for their abusive partners to get in. You’re with me, so you’ll be able to get in. Just play nice, you don’t want to freak out any of the women.”

  
“Sure thing,” Carmilla said, rolling her eyes slightly. She didn’t understand the need for such heightened security in a women’s shelter. But she didn’t say anything; just followed Laura through the heavier, metal doors that separated the lobby from the shelter.

  
The women’s shelter was nicer than Carmilla had expected. She’d expected to find rows of bunkbeds, with a few lockers where the women could keep their belongings while they stayed at the shelter. Instead, she found a hallway lined with doors, most of which were open. Inside each open door was a bunkbed, dresser, and desk, and there was another door in the back of each room that Laura said led to bathrooms.

  
“And we’ve got a few bigger rooms, with more beds just in case a woman with more kids comes in.” Laura was obviously proud of the work that she and the others had put into this shelter, and Carmilla admired that. She found herself envious of Laura and everything that she had the more time she spent with her.

  
“I have to say, I’m impressed,” Carmilla admitted as they walked down the hall.

  
“Thanks,” Laura said cheerfully, grinning up at Carmilla. “So we keep the first aid room in the back. Sometimes women come to us fresh from being attacked by their abuser, and we figured that the further back in the shelter we took them for treatment, the safer they’d feel. Most of them seem to agree with us, so I guess we’re doing something right. Here it is.” Laura stepped aside, holding the door open for Carmilla.

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, going into the room first and sitting down on one of the chairs.

  
Laura sat down in the chair opposite Carmilla, and held out her hands. Carmilla clenched her jaw as she held her bloody hand out to Laura for inspection. She watched as Laura twisted her hand gently, looking at her hand from several angles.

  
“Well, it looks like you just hit a rough patch that cut up your hand. Let me wash it off and make sure it’s nothing worse, then I can bandage it up for you, and you can be on your way. Although like I said, you’re welcome to stay here. I’d really like it if you would. It worries me that you’re out on the streets when it’s this cold outside.”

  
“I’ll think about it,” Carmilla said. She winced as Laura took a wet towel to her hand, brushing gently to clean the wound. As Laura cleaned her wound, Carmilla started thinking about what it could mean if she decided to use this opportunity as a chance to get clean. It had already been nearly seven hours since her last dose, and Carmilla was getting anxious for another dose. But she’d have to go to Mark’s to buy more. If she just stayed here, she could just wait out the cravings, and then she could start to get her life back. Get a job, her own apartment, and start saving up money until she could go back to school. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to change things. Getting shoved out of a barely-stopped car by a man who’d just paid her for sex certainly changed Carmilla’s perspective on things.

  
“Oh, okay, this is going to hurt a bit,” Laura said, her voice sounding pained. “There’s some little rocks that are kind of stuck in your palm, so I’m going to just use tweezers to get them out. Just try to think about something else, alright?”

  
“No problem,” Carmilla replied, shrugging her shoulders. “I have a high pain tolerance anyway.”

  
Laura nodded and got to work on removing the small pieces of rock that had caused most of the bleeding. Carmilla winced occasionally, but for the most part she was able to hold still and unflinching as Laura worked her first aid magic. Once all the rocks were removed, Laura smeared antibiotic ointment over the cuts and scrapes, and then pressed gauze to her hand before wrapping Carmilla’s hand in a thin layer of self-stick bandages.

  
“There, all done!” Laura said brightly, pressing her fingers gently into Carmilla’s palm. “So, do you want to stay here for the night? I can get you checked in and go over the rules and everything with you if you decide that you do want to stay.”

  
Carmilla hadn’t made a decision, but she reacted instinctively, her hatred of the cold speaking louder than her desire for another hit. “Yeah. It’d be nice to sleep on a proper mattress for a change.”


	2. Coming Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura does her best to help Carmilla through the process of detoxing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: drug use, homelessness

Carmilla couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt as comfortable as she did during the first few hours at the women’s shelter. She took a hot shower, letting the water run over her body, washing away the dirty feeling she was always left with from living on the streets, shooting up in random places around the city, and selling herself to random men to make a few bucks. By the time she emerged from the shower, Carmilla practically felt like a new person. But she also felt off, and she knew that it was because she was starting to go into withdrawal.

  
It had now been more than ten hours since she’d last used, and it was starting to mess with her head. She felt angry, even though there was absolutely nothing she was angry about. And despite having just taken a hot shower, and having a real mattress to lie down on, her whole body was starting to ache.

  
There was a knock at the door, and Carmilla got up, crossed to the door, and pulled it open. “What?” she demanded, her voice sounding harsher than she’d meant it to.

  
“Oh, sorry,” Laura said, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear again. “I didn’t mean to bother you, I just wanted to check in and make sure that everything was alright?”

  
“Yeah, everything’s perfect, thanks,” Carmilla said, again coming across more abruptly than she wanted to.

  
“Ok, uh, that’s good then,” Laura said cautiously. “And, I, uh, I realized I never actually got your name.”

  
Carmilla stared at Laura for a minute before realizing that Laura was trying to ask a question. “It’s Carmilla.”

  
“Carmilla,” Laura repeated, smiling. “That’s a beautiful name.” She looked at Carmilla for another few seconds, her eyes narrowing slightly. “Are you sure everything’s alright? You’re sweating like crazy, and it’s not really hot at all in here. And no offense, but you kind of snapped at me when you opened the door.”

  
“I’m fine,” Carmilla said, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. But Laura continued to regard her with those big, brown eyes, and Carmilla couldn’t keep herself from offering further explanation. “It’s just that I used the last of my-uh-my stuff this morning, and I’m kind of starting to go into withdrawal. So I’m annoyed with just about everything, I’m going to sweat a lot for the next several hours at least, and my entire body hurts.”

  
Laura’s face paled slightly, and Carmilla thought that she’d finally done it; she’d finally scared off this over-eager women’s shelter counselor. She was not expecting Laura to invite herself into Carmilla’s room, pulling the door shut behind her.

  
“Alright, I have a question,” Laura said, not breaking eye contact with Carmilla, “and I need you to promise me that you’ll answer it honestly.”

  
“Depends on the question,” Carmilla said, crossing her arms. “I’m not exactly an open book.”

  
“I guessed as much,” Laura replied, smirking slightly. “Carmilla, do you want to get clean?”

  
“What?” Carmilla asked, though she was buying for time more than asking for clarification. Deep down, she already knew the answer, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to actually say it out loud.

  
“Do you want to get clean? Do you want to get off heroin, or do you want to keep using?”

  
Carmilla took a deep breath before answering, “I want to get clean. I’ve tried before, but once withdrawal starts, it’s nearly impossible to not immediately go back to it. But I want to straighten things out and get my life in order, and I know that’s never going to happen as long as I’m using.”

  
“Good,” Laura said, suddenly seeming much more determined. “You can’t stay here while you’re detoxing, we have some pretty strict rules about letting people stay here while they’re using or going through detox.”

  
Carmilla felt her heart sink. That was exactly what she’d been afraid of. She’d be back out on the streets, and she didn’t think she had the resolve to stay clean out there, especially not with a pocket full of cash. She tried to hide her concerns as she spoke. “That’s alright. I can just head back home, and try to clean myself up there.”

  
“No,” Laura said, reaching out to touch Carmilla’s arm with her fingertips. “That’s not what I meant, and I mean it when I say that I really don’t want you back out on the streets right now, it’s way too cold for that. I can’t let you stay here, but I’ve got a guest room in my apartment. My friend Laf used to live with me and my girlfriend, but then they moved in with their girlfriend, so now I’ve got an empty room. I’m not really an addictions counselor, but I do have some limited training in how to help people deal with withdrawal. You can come stay with me and I’ll help you out for a couple days until you’re able to get back on your feet, and then we can check you in here and you can stay here until you get back on your feet.”

  
“No, that's fine,” Carmilla insisted. She was already trying to figure out the fastest way to Mark’s house from the women’s shelter. There was just no way she could handle withdrawal when she was sleeping out in the cold. She could always try again when it was nicer out, and easier to get by without something to numb her senses.

  
“Please, I insist,” Laura said, pleading with Carmilla. “I couldn’t forgive myself if I just let you go back to sleeping on the streets while you’re going through withdrawal.”

  
“You never know what someone going through withdrawal is going to do,” Carmilla argued, coming up with excuses to turn Laura down, and cursing herself as she did. She’d been perfectly fine on her own, living on the streets, taking care of herself, before this short girl with a saviour complex had literally crashed into her life. “It’d be a pretty shitty way for me to thank you if I ended up hurting you while you were trying to help me out.”

  
Carmilla was taken aback when Laura just laughed. “What?” Carmilla asked, thrown off guard.

  
“My girlfriend is 6’2”, Carmilla, I’d be pretty impressed if you somehow managed to hurt me when she’s around. She’d take you out easily if you so much as moved to slap me. Plus, if you go through withdrawal the same way I learned about in training, I highly doubt you’ll be in much shape to do any damage to anyone anytime soon.”  
“Alright,” Carmilla snapped, getting sick of talking. “I really do want to try to get clean, and that’s not going to happen if I leave here alone tonight. So alright, we’ll try it your way.”

  
“Excellent!” Laura said, looking, in Carmilla’s opinion, entirely too pleased with herself. “Just grab your things and we can be on our way out in five, alright?”

  
“I really don’t have much to ‘gather,’” Carmilla said, shrugging around at her surroundings.

  
“Do you want to stop by your place to get your stuff before we go to my place?” Laura offered.

  
“Fine. I can at least get some extra clothes for the next few days.”

  
“Alright, let’s go ahead and head on out then. You know the way from here?”

  
“Pretty sure I could find my way home from just about anywhere in the city,” Carmilla said dryly. “One of the perks of being a drug addict is that you wake up in the most random places, and you have to be able to find your way home.”

  
Laura looked at Carmilla like she couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. “Okay, cool! Well, let’s go then!”

 

 

 

 

By the time Laura and Carmilla made it back to Laura’s apartment, Carmilla felt as though she’d sweat through every layer of clothes she had on. And she was in so much pain that she wasn’t sure how she was still walking down the street. She leaned against the door frame as Laura unlocked the front door, her two grocery bags of clothes hanging limply from her hands.

  
“Alright, come on, you’re almost there,” Laura said, locking the door behind her quickly, before turning around to lead Carmilla through the apartment. Carmilla was starting to shake from the pain of being on her feet for so long, and she wanted nothing more than to get to Laura’s spare room before she collapsed. Carmilla staggered across the apartment after Laura, blind to her surroundings. Laura opened one of the doors that led off the main room, and Carmilla hurried through it, collapsing onto the bed almost immediately. “Alright, you’re safe,” Laura said, taking the bags of clothes from Carmilla’s hands. “I’m here, and everything’s going to be alright. Do you need anything?”

Carmilla shook her head, wincing as her muscles felt tighter and tighter. She wasn’t used to feeling so much pain. For the last couple years, every time she’d started to hurt, Carmilla had just bought or used some kind of drug to ease the pain. And now, there was nothing she could do except wait it out. She heard, as if through earplugs, Laura go back out into the living room and start talking to someone.

  
“What do you mean you brought her here?” Carmilla assumed that voice belonged to Laura’s 6’2” girlfriend. She rolled onto her back, groaning as she did.

  
“She’s going through withdrawal, and I couldn’t just send her back to the streets, Dani. I’m trained for these kinds of things, I can help her!”

  
“You don’t need to save everyone, Laura!” Dani said, practically shouting. “And you can’t just bring random people into our home! You have no idea what kind of person she is! She could be in there right now trying to figure out how to rob us!”

  
“She’s not going to rob us,” Laura scoffed. “She’s already going into withdrawal and she hurts way too much to do anything other than lie in there moaning and groaning. And it’s not like I just met her on the streets and brought her here! I’m not completely stupid.”

  
“What do you mean you didn’t just meet her? Is she a friend of yours or something? I know you have this incessant need to make friends, but this goes too far!”

  
Carmilla lost track of the conversation after that. The only thing she could think about was her pounding headache, the sweat that seemed to cover every inch of her body, and her nearly crippling muscle aches. How long could this possibly last? Carmilla just wanted to sleep, to get away for a few hours without having to deal with this, but sleep seemed to be evading her.

  
Carmilla was in and out as she tried to get some sleep, but wasn’t sure if she ever fully fell asleep. She felt like she was almost constantly suspended between being awake and deeply asleep: she was aware of her surroundings, but everything seemed unfocused and unreal, like she was in the middle of a dream. She knew that Laura was sitting in the room with her, keeping a watchful eye over her as she tossed and turned. Laura tried to get Carmilla to eat something, but Carmilla shoved it away. She was too nauseous to even entertain the idea of eating. The only thing that brought her some level of comfort was when Laura dabbed a wet towel over her face. It made her feel better, made things around her seem clearer, and helped her stay calm.

  
Halfway through the night, when Carmilla felt wide awake again, she sat upright so suddenly that she saw Laura jump slightly in her seat.

  
“Carmilla?” Laura asked, watching her. “Are you alright? Do you need something?”

  
“Bundle,” Carmilla mumbled, barely louder than a whisper. “I need a bundle. Or a dose. Something, anything! I just need a hit. I need this all to go away!” Carmilla clapped her hands to her head, gripping at her forehead as if she could force her headache to go away. She didn’t see Laura move, but Laura was suddenly sitting in front of her, taking Carmilla’s hands into her own.

  
“Everything will be okay, I promise. I’m here, and I’m going to stay with you and make sure that everything’s alright. You don’t need another hit––you’re better than that. You’re stronger than that. You’ve got me, and you’re doing better than you give yourself credit for. In a few days, this will all be over, and you’re going to feel so much better, I promise.”

  
Carmilla drifted back to sleep, the room slowly going fuzzy around her. She slipped back into her cycle of drifting in and out of consciousness. She’d wake up, and she’d see Laura sitting off to the side, watching over her to make sure that she didn’t try to sneak out to score again. Carmilla would be awake, aware of Laura sitting in the corner, and of the amount of pain in every part of her body. Then, just a few minutes later, she’d be practically asleep again, though never completely asleep.

  
A few times, when Carmilla woke up, Laura would come rushing over with a bottle of water for her. Carmilla was grateful; part of her didn’t want to drink anything, since she felt so nauseous, but her mouth was so dry that she felt as though she’d lose the ability to move her tongue. Carmilla did her best to drink on her own, but a couple times, Laura helped her with the bottle, her smaller hands firm but gentle as they covered Carmilla’s hands and tipped the bottle back.

  
Every time Carmilla woke up enough to sit up and look around, she found Laura sitting there, practically in the background, keeping an eye on her. And every time Laura realized that Carmilla was sitting up, she’d stand up, smiling warmly, and cross over to the bed to dab Carmilla’s face with a cold, wet towel and make sure that Carmilla was still doing alright.

 

 

 

 

Eventually, Carmilla started to sleep a little bit more peacefully, though she still woke up frequently, panicking over where she was and why she felt so horrible. It took several hours for Carmilla to wake up and actually feel somewhat lucid again. She wasn’t in nearly as much pain as she’d been before, and she was much more aware of her surroundings now. Carmilla rolled onto her side and spotted Laura, sitting sideways across a chair in the corner of the room, her legs draped over the armrest, a book propped open on her knees.

  
“How long have I been here?” Carmilla asked, brushing hair out of her face. It felt matted and slightly damp. Carmilla wondered how long it had been since she’d showered at the women’s shelter.

  
Laura looked up like she’d been startled awake. “Hey, glad to see you back to the real world. You’ve been out for about…” Laura looked at her watch before continuing, “two and a half days now. In and out. Do you think you could eat something? You’ve had some water, but you haven’t had anything to eat since we got here.”

  
“Two days?” Carmilla asked incredulously. She’d completely lost track of time. Time had slipped by faster than she’d realized, especially since she was in so much pain she felt like she had to fight to get through each minute.

  
“Yeah. You’ve been in and out, and I think you actually managed to sleep somewhat peacefully during the last eight hours or so. But yeah, it’s been nearly three days since I first showed you around the women’s shelter.”

  
Carmilla’s face brightened. If it had been nearly three days since she’d last shot up, then she might already be through the worst part of withdrawal. The pain had always been the hardest part for her to deal with, and it was the reason that Carmilla had only detoxed (partially) once before and had done everything in her power to avoid it ever since.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, her voice so soft that Carmilla almost didn’t hear it, “you alright?”

  
“I’m fine,” Carmilla replied stiffly. “Actually, I think I might be good. If I’ve made it three days since I last used, then the worst part of withdrawal is over.”

  
“Can I ask how long you’ve been using?” Laura asked softly.

  
Carmilla swallowed. “It’s been a little over a year now, I think.” With a grunt, Carmilla pushed herself up, swung her legs off the side off the bed, and rested her elbows on her knees. She hung her head as she spoke, “I’ve been homeless for a really long time, but I didn’t start using until more recently.”

  
“How long have you been homeless?” Laura’s questions were probing, but gentle enough that Carmilla didn’t feel like she was being attacked.

  
“Um…” Carmilla wrung her hands together, cracking her knuckles as she did. “It’s been about five years now. I ran away from home when I was eighteen, but still a senior in high school. I lived with a friend for a few weeks at first, but then her parents just couldn’t keep supporting me, and I wasn’t able to find a job where I was bringing in enough money to make my own way. So I ended up out on the streets just a few weeks shy of my nineteenth birthday.”

  
As Carmilla continued her story, Laura got up from the chair and moved over to the bed. She sat down next to Carmilla, as if to show support for her by proxy.

  
“I had some savings, so I spent the first six months living in a cheap motel that charged like two hundred a week. I found a part time job, so I was making some money, but I still wasn’t making enough to stay in the motel. I ended up on the streets less than a year after I’d first run away. For the next year or so, I alternated between living outside when it was nice out and finding places to stay when it wasn’t. I slept in some pretty weird places: movie theaters, libraries, stores. I got really good at avoiding the end-of-day checks and then sleeping there overnight. I was doing pretty well for the first two years––well, as well as I think you can do for a homeless person, at least.”

  
Laura had been fidgeting with her hands, but now she reached out and rested her hand on Carmilla’s forearm, encouraging her to continue.

  
“Then I started hanging out with this guy named Mark. We met in a library where we both camped out a few times. I hadn’t seem him around for a while, and then I ran into him when he was grocery shopping. I was stealing. Things had gotten pretty bad for me, but he seemed to be doing really well. I could tell he was high as a kite, but he was clean, had clean clothes, and bought all his own organic groceries. We started talking, and he invited me back to his place. So I started hanging out with him again, and he let me stay in his place. That’s when I found out he was a drug dealer. And a pretty heavy user too. I started smoking pot, and we just had fun all the time, it felt like. But it didn’t last. We upgraded to some harder drugs. I still wasn’t doing anything too serious, but I was using prescription pills pretty heavily. Painkillers, mainly. I think that was about two years ago.”

  
Carmilla had stopped sweating, and now she was starting to feel cold. There were goosebumps running down her arms and legs, and she was starting to shiver. She suspected that soon she’d be shaking. Laura must have noticed because she pulled a blanket from the end of the bed and wrapped it around Carmilla, pulling it tight over her chest. Carmilla clutched at the edges of the blanket, holding it tight around herself. When she didn’t continue her story, Laura got up from the bed and headed towards the door.

  
“Come on,” Laura said, beckoning to Carmilla. “We’ve got to get some food in you, or you’re going to pass out on me again. You can always finish your story later, if you’d like.”

  
“No,” Carmilla said flatly. “I am way too nauseous to eat anything.”

  
“You have to eat something, Carmilla,” Laura said sternly. “I really can't cook, bu I’ll heat up some chicken soup or something. You just really can’t go any longer without eating anything.”

  
Grudgingly, Carmilla got up from the bed and followed Laura out into the living room. She hadn’t noticed her surroundings when she’d first arrived at the apartment, so Carmilla took in the apartment as she took a seat at the dining room table. It was a small, cozy apartment, furnished with slightly mismatched pieces of furniture and decorated with several homey touches. The walls of the shared living room, dining room, and kitchen were all painted light green, and most of the furniture was black suede. It made Carmilla a little jealous of the place that Laura got to call ‘home.’

  
Carmilla headed into the dining room, where there was a simple wooden table tucked towards the corner of the room. In the corner of the room, wrapped around the corner of the table were cushioned benches, the padding wrapped with a coral-colored cloth. Although the benches looked more comfortable, Carmilla chose a seat on one of the wooden chairs instead. It was closer, and she had a better view of the kitchen as Laura pulled a small, microwavable bowl from a cabinet.

  
“How’s chicken noodle?” Laura asked, turning the label on the bowl towards Carmilla.

  
“Fine,” Carmilla said, nodding slightly. She still didn’t think she’d be able to eat it.

  
Laura punched a few numbers into the microwave, and Carmilla heard it start to buzz as it started working. Laura crossed over to the dining room and sat down on the edge of the bench opposite Carmilla. “So, can I ask why you ran away from home in the first place?” Laura asked cautiously. “You said you were eighteen. Most people at that point just go off to college to get away from their parents.”

  
“You know, you ask a lot of triggering questions of someone who’s trying to come off heroin,” Carmilla said evenly. She never talked about her past––never even thought about it if she could help it, and she already felt exhausted. She just didn’t have it in her to keep answering Laura’s questions.

  
Laura’s face flushed red almost immediately. “I-jeez-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean––”

  
“Whatever.” Carmilla shook her head, and she and Laura fell into an uncomfortable silence, the microwave providing the only noise in the apartment. Carmilla couldn’t explain where it was coming from, but she felt a sudden rush of annoyance with Laura, anger at her situation, and a nearly overwhelming desire to run as fast as she possibly could to get out of there.

  
Finally, the microwave beeped, and Laura jumped up from the table as though she was happy for the excuse to leave, even for a minute.

  
“You know, you don’t have to watch over me,” Carmilla said, undermining her own argument as she tried to lift the first bite of soup, and the spoon shook in her hand.

  
“I just want to make sure that you don’t try to sneak off to go get high again. You said that you wanted to get clean, and I’m just trying to help out.”

  
“Why?” Carmilla snapped. “You counsel abused women and kids, not drug addicts.” Carmilla tried again to take another bite of soup, but her hand was trembling enough that there was hardly any left on the spoon by the time she actually got it to her mouth.

  
“Because that’s who I am,” Laura snapped, showing her first signs of annoyance with Carmilla. “Do you need help with that?” She asked pointedly, raising an eyebrow at Carmilla as she struggled with yet another bite of soup.

  
“It’s bad enough to have you watching over me like I’m a child,” Carmilla said, her voice low, “I think I’ll feed myself, thanks.”

  
“There’s some stuff in the bathroom if you want to take a shower. And I washed your clothes, so you’ve got fresh clothing to wear. I’ll be in the living room if you decide that you do actually need someone to help you out with anything.” Carmilla winced at the vitriol in Laura’s voice, and winced even more as Laura stormed away from the table. She’d always been good at pushing people away, especially when they were trying to help her. It was one of the things she hated most about herself.

 

After showering and changing into fresh clothes, Carmilla stepped back into the living room, still squeezing her wet hair with a towel. She wanted to apologize to Laura for the way she’d treated her; deep down, she knew that Laura just wanted to help. But she was taken aback when she stepped into the living room and found Laura sitting on the sofa, hands folded in her lap. She’d been staring at the bathroom door, waiting for Carmilla to come out.

  
“I’ve been thinking.” Laura started talking before Carmilla was even all the way out of the bathroom. Carmilla could tell that she’d built up her resolve while Carmilla was in the shower, and that she’d launched straight into it before she had the chance to change her mind. “I don’t think that it’s such a good idea for you to stay at the women’s shelter after all.”

  
Carmilla felt her heart sink. She’d blown yet another opportunity. She’d pushed Laura too far, and she’d be back on the streets. At least she’d just had a shower, and her clothes were all clean now. “Oh… okay. I guess I’ll just grab my stuff and I’ll head out then.”

  
“What? No, that’s not what I meant,” Laura said quickly, tucking her hair back behind her ear. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. It’s just that there’s no one at the women’s shelter who’s really trained to help recovering addicts, and you obviously need help from someone who actually know how to help you. There’s another shelter, in a different part of town, where there’s more counselors who are actually trained to help addicts. I just-you said you want to get better, and I’m just afraid that I can’t really help you enough.”

  
Carmilla felt her heart settle back into the right spot. So she hadn’t alienated Laura as badly as she’d thought after all. “I think that might be a good idea,” she admitted, hugging the towel to her chest. “Especially if the women’s shelter lets people come and go as they please. I’m still afraid I’d head right to my dealer’s house.”  
“Okay, well, then, good,” Laura said, clearly unprepared for Carmilla to agree to her idea so quickly. “Um, well I think you’re already through most of the detox, so I guess whenever you want to go, I can take you over there.”

 

 

 

 

Later that evening, Laura and Carmilla headed across town to the shelter that Laura had suggested. They hadn’t spoken much since their exchange during lunch, and the taxi ride over was tense and uncomfortable. Even the taxi driver seemed relieved when they reached the shelter.

  
“Alright, here we are,” Laura said, getting out of the car first, and shutting the door once Carmilla had climbed out after her. “Are you ready for this? Some of the counselors here might want to ask about some of those ‘triggering questions’ you got upset about earlier.”

  
“I’ve dealt with worse,” Carmilla replied. She was still shivering, and despite having eaten, showered, and cleaned herself up, she still thought she looked like hell. Her face was gaunt and pale, but her eyes were still rimmed with circles of red. The crook of her arm, where she always shot up, was covered with a patchwork of bruises in various shades of blue and purple. And although Laura had washed her clothes, all of Carmilla’s belongings still showed very visible signs of wear. Carmilla knew it was a horrible thing to think, but she couldn’t help but hope that at least one person in this shelter would look worse than she did.

  
“Let’s get you checked in.” Laura led the way up to the front door, where they had to press a buzzer before they could go any further.

  
There was a loud click before a voice echoed from the box above the buzzer, “Can I help you?”

  
Laura started to open her mouth, but before she could speak, Carmilla said, “Yes, I’d like to stay here.”

  
“I’ll buzz you in. There’s several steps you’ll have to go through in order to get registered to stay with us for a little while.”

  
Laura nodded encouragingly as Carmilla led the way into the shelter. The doors opened immediately into a lobby. The lobby itself was fairly small, and set up like a doctor’s office. But behind double glass doors on the left, Carmilla could see a lounge, where people ranging in age from late teens to middle aged were milling about. There were people talking, people painting, people playing chess, and people reading. Carmilla even spotted a man who was sprawled out in his chair, head back, and mouth agape.

  
“Hi, welcome to our recovery shelter, how might I help you today?” The receptionist seated behind the desk was an older woman with a friendly smile. Her dark skin stood out in stark contrast to her greying hair, and her warm, dark brown eyes and wide smile put Carmilla more at ease.

  
“I’d like to see if I can stay here,” Carmilla said, her voice quieter than usual.

  
“Alright, and what brings you to us?”

  
Laura stepped forward to answer that one. “She actually came to my shelter first. I work at the women’s shelter on the other side of town, and she wanted to check in there. But when I realized that she was at the very beginning of a detox, I knew that I couldn’t let her stay with us. We don’t have the facilities or the training to help recovering addicts.”

  
“You don’t appear to be in the beginning stages of a detox,” the receptionist noted calmly, turning her attention back to Carmilla.

  
“She took me back to her apartment to help me get through the first couple of days,” Carmilla explained. “It’s been three and a half days now since I last used.”

  
“Your symptoms must have cleared up rather nicely, for you to be here now. How are you feeling?”

  
“Okay,” Carmilla said, shrugging her shoulders. “Not great. I’m just kind of cold and achy, and I’ve been shivering since I got up today. But I feel much better than I did a couple days ago.”

  
“Good. We generally don’t admit people for a few days at least anyway––we try to only take in those who are serious about recovery, so our rule of thumb is not to check in patients who still plan to continue using. What are your reasons for wanting to recover?”

  
“I’ve practically ruined my life,” Carmilla admitted, her throat thickening. She’d never admitted anything like that out loud before. “I’ve spent enough money on heroin each month that I probably could have gotten myself a decent place to live, but instead I blew it on drugs to numb the pain of being a failure. And I don’t want to be a failure anymore. I used to have dreams, and goals, and I’ve almost forgotten what that feels like. I just want to get some of that back. I just want to know who I am again.”

  
The receptionist’s smile grew even wider, and her eyes seemed to twinkle. “I think we can find a place for you here, Miss…?”

  
“Carmilla. Carmilla Karnstein.”


	3. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla adjusts to life in the recovery shelter, and Laura tries to return to normal after helping Carmilla through withdrawal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: brief mentions of drug use
> 
> From here on out, the chapter's will alternate between Laura and Carmilla's point of view, and more of the other characters will be introduced. Also, things have been moving more slowly thus far, at more of a day by day pace, but in the next couple of chapters I'm probably going to speed up some aspects of the story

Laura lingered at the recovery clinic for longer than she’d meant to, folding the few clothes that Carmilla owned and tucking them into different drawers for her while Carmilla checked out the room she’d be staying in. It was a fairly nice space, with a small but comfortable bed, a dresser that was so small it doubled as a nightstand, and a standing lamp in the corner. Unlike the women’s shelter Laura worked at, this shelter didn’t have individual bathrooms. Carmilla would be sharing a dormitory style bathroom with the other women in the shelter.

“Well, I guess I should head out,” Laura said, fidgeting with her hands as she tried to think of something else to say. “Um, do you need anything? I can bring you some toiletries and stuff, if you want.”

  
“They said they’ll provide those for me,” Carmilla answered, giving Laura a half smile.

  
“Okay, well, um, I guess I’ll see you then.” Laura didn’t know why she was so determined to prolong her time with Carmilla, or why she’d been so keen on helping her in the first place. She was used to dealing with women who came to her shelter with the intention of getting help. They came to Laura seeking a solution to their problems. Carmilla, on the other hand, hadn’t intentionally sought out help in fighting her addiction. She’d simply accepted the help that was offered to her. Laura guessed that was why she’d been so keen to help; she’d been afraid that if she did insist on helping Carmilla, Carmilla might not seek out help for herself.

  
“You seem to have a knack for running into me, so I’m sure I’ll see you again at some point,” Carmilla dropped onto the bed, clearly ready to try and get some more rest.

  
“Okay… bye!” Laura raised her hand in a wave as she left, although Carmilla had already laid down and didn’t even notice. Laura headed down the hallway and back out to the front desk, where the receptionist was working on a crossword. Laura was just about to head out the door when she spun on her heel and turned back to the receptionist. “Is there any way I could leave a note for Carmilla?”

  
“For you, sugar?” the woman asked, smiling at Laura. “Sure thing. I’ve heard about the work you do over at your shelter. You’re doing good work over there.”

  
“Thanks!” Laura felt a glow in her chest––nothing made her prouder than the work she did to help the people who came to her shelter. She took the pen and paper the receptionist offered her and scrawled her number, along with a short note, before folding the paper in half, writing Carmilla’s name in large lettering, and handing it back to the receptionist.

  
“I’ll make sure she gets that, Miss…?”

  
“Hollis. Laura Hollis.”

  
“Well, Miss Hollis, it’s been a pleasure meeting you. I’ll make sure Carmilla gets this. If you need anything, you just let me know,” she handed Laura a business card, with one of the numbers circled. “That’s my number there, you just call and ask for Norma Brown, and I’ll do my best to help you out.”

  
“Thank you very much, Mrs Brown! Have a good night!”

  
“You too! I’ll be seeing you, I’m sure.”

 

 

Once she’d left the recovery shelter, Laura headed back to her apartment. She’d spent so much time making sure that Carmilla didn’t try to sneak out of their apartment that she hadn’t really talked to Danny since they’d fought during the first night Carmilla had stayed with them. She wanted to do something for her girlfriend as a way of apologizing. She figured this was when people with actual cooking skills would make a fancy dinner. But since Laura had essentially survived on a diet of cookies and vitamin pills before meeting Danny, she figured she should probably stay out of the kitchen. Instead, she stopped at Danny’s favorite restaurant on the way home, and ordered their spinach ravioli––Danny’s favorite.

  
She made it home before Danny, and started setting up the apartment. She set the table, poured two glasses of wine, and transferred their dinner from styrofoam boxes to plates, which she put in the microwave to reheat. The microwave had just started beeping when Laura heard the sound of Danny’s key in the lock.

  
“Hey, hon,” Laura said, crossing the apartment to give Danny a kiss. Laura relaxed as she felt Danny smile when they kissed.

  
“Hey, babe.” Danny moved to the living room, pulling of her jacket and hanging it from the coat rack in the corner. “Something smells good… did you cook something?!”

  
“Goodness, no,” Laura said quickly. “I got dinner from Stravino’s, as my way of apologizing. And to thank you for always being there for me. I know that you weren’t happy about me bringing Carmilla here, but you didn’t make her leave, and I really appreciate you letting her stay here.”

  
“Where is the heroin addict?” Danny asked, looking around as though expecting to see Carmilla emerge from the guest room.

  
“Her name’s Carmilla, Danny,” Laura said sternly. “And I took her to get checked in at the recovery shelter across town. I’m not trained to help recovering addicts, and the women’s shelter doesn’t have the right kind of facilities to keep her from slipping up again.”

  
“Neither do we.”

  
“I know, Danny. I’m sorry, alright. I just––she was in trouble, and when I was talking to her, I could tell that she genuinely wanted to get better. I took her to my shelter first, but when I saw her starting to go into withdrawal, I knew that I couldn’t leave her there. I’d probably never have seen her again. I had to do something.” Laura was pleading, desperate to get Danny to see and understand her side of the story. She couldn’t stand it when Danny was angry with her.

  
“I know.” Danny’s face softened as she opened her arms, inviting Laura in for a hug. “And it’s one of the things I love most about you. I just wish you’d do a better job of telling me things––like when you’re planning on bringing a drug addict home with you so she can go through withdrawal in our spare room.”

  
“I’ll try to remember that for next time,” Laura said, smiling against her girlfriend’s chest. Everything felt right again.

  
“Next time?” Danny asked, raising an eyebrow.

  
“Kidding, of course!”

  
“I really hope so,” Danny laughed. “You know I love you, right?”

  
“I love you too,” Laura said, smiling again. “So how was work?”

  
Most days, Danny attended classes as she worked towards her Master’s in English Literature, but Fridays were devoted to her work as a TA. She had an office on campus, and every Friday she held office hours and offered tutoring for the students in the classes she TA-ed for. If no students came to talk to her, Danny just graded the papers she needed to get in the gradebook.

  
“It was pretty boring today, actually. I only had one student come by office hours, and it was just because she wanted to know what her grade was so far, and if there was any way she could get any extra credit.” Danny moved to the table as she spoke. Laura really was good at remembering her favorite foods, and Danny could hear her stomach growling already.

  
“How’d that go?”

  
“Well, I showed her how to use the online gradebook first of all. And then I explained, as patiently as I could, that as the syllabus clearly states, there is no extra credit. Professor’s rules not mine.”

  
“Would you give extra credit, if it were up to you?” Laura was always ready with question after question; it was one of the side-effects of being a counselor.

  
“I might… but only if I really like the student,” Danny winked at Laura, and Laura felt her heart beat a little faster. She loved when Danny was feeling more mischievous.

  
“Oh yeah?” Laura raised her eyebrows and smirked at Danny. “And what kind of student do you like?”

  
“Oh, that’s a pretty short list,” Danny teased. “Actually, there’s only one student who makes the cut.”

  
“And who might that be?”

  
“I think you know.”

Later that night, when Laura was curled up against Danny in their bed, her head resting on Danny’s chest, she couldn’t stop smiling. She really was the luckiest girl in the world.

 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Carmilla laid on the bed in her new room, staring up at the ceiling. What had she gotten herself into? She’d been perfectly fine before that short, doe-eyed girl had run into her and flipped everything upside down. Carmilla still couldn’t quite believe that she’d ended up here, safely through the worst of her withdrawal, making an actual commitment to getting clean. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to get clean––Carmilla wanted to be free of heroin’s pull more than anything else––she’d just resolved so many times to go off it, but every time, she’d ended up back at Mark’s house hours later, with however much money she’d managed to scrape together. Apparently, there was a lot to be said for not trying to do it cold turkey.

  
She’d been staring at the ceiling for so long that Carmilla nearly shot out of the bed when she heard a knock at the door.

  
“Yeah?” Carmilla called, sitting up, hugging her knees to her chest, and watching the door.

  
“Hi, Miss Karnstein!” It was the receptionist from the front desk. “I didn’t introduce myself earlier––I’m Norma Brown, I work as the receptionist and gatekeeper, if you will. I just wanted to let you know that dinner will be in about half an hour. All residents are expected to attend, unless they have other permission from their counselor… which, given that you’ve been here for an hour, you do not. There’s a clock there, and you’ll meet with your counselor first thing tomorrow. After that, you’ll get your schedule, which is what you’ll follow during your stay here. Don’t worry, Miss Karnstein, it’s not terribly regimented. You’ll have plenty of downtime, but you’ll also have some counseling sessions, mealtimes, so on.”

  
“Alright, thanks,” Carmilla said. “I’ll get ready for dinner then.”

  
“One more thing, Miss Karnstein,” Ms. Brown said, stepping into the room. “Miss Hollis left this for you on her way out. That’s a good friend you’ve got there.”

  
“She’s not––” Carmilla stopped herself. She and Laura may not know each other particularly well, but Laura had done more for her than anyone else in her life had done recently. If that’s not what friends did, then Carmilla wasn’t sure what it would feel like to have friends.

  
“Well, I expect to see you at dinner. You also have a landline phone there,” Ms. Brown pointed to a phone anchored to the wall. “We discourage cell phones, but we wouldn’t stop you from having one. And you’re more than welcome to call whomever you’d like, as long as it’s during your downtime. Have a good night, Miss Karnstein.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, turning the piece of paper in her hand over a few times, listening to Ms. Brown’s footsteps as she headed back down the hallway.

  
Finally, Carmilla unfolded the paper and read the note Laura had left for her in neat cursive. Underneath the phone number, Laura had written a message:

 _Carmilla, I know that you can do this. I’m really glad that you decided to get help to beat this addiction, and I just want you to know that I’ll be with you every step of the way. If you need anything, anything at all, just give me a call, and I’ll help you out. Also, let me know if you’re up for a visitor––I’d be happy to come by. Best of luck! Your friend, Laura_.

Carmilla smiled as she folded the note back up and tucked it under her pillow––maybe she’d managed to make a friend after all.

Dinner that night was a lonely experience for Carmilla. She’d always been a more solitary person, and she wasn’t especially good at making conversation. She got her food from the food bar, stacking it on a tray just like everyone else. When she turned around to the dining room, looking for a spot to sit, she felt like she was in high school all over again. Everyone had their own groups of friends, and they sat in those groups, talking and laughing amongst themselves. Carmilla looked around for a friendly face, but everyone was too engrossed in their own conversations to truly notice her. So she took a seat alone, at the end of one of the tables, and ate dinner by herself, eagerly waiting for the chance to go back to her room.

  
After nearly half an hour, some of the other people in the dining area started to leave, turning in their trays before heading out one of the two doors on either side of the dining area. Relieved, Carmilla returned her tray and hurried from the room, hugging herself tightly as she left. She rushed back to her room, slamming the door shut behind her and collapsing onto the bed. Her heart felt heavy, and before she even really knew why, there were tears running down her face. She’d known that getting clean wasn’t going to be easy, but she hadn’t been ready for it all to hurt so much, in so many different ways. She’d gotten over the worst of the physical pain, but she still had to deal with her emotions. For years, she’d ignored her feelings, and once she’d started using drugs, she’d numbed them completely. Now everything was coming back, and Carmilla was forced to feel more than she’d felt in years.

  
Her first night in the recovery shelter, Carmilla cried herself to sleep, curled up on her side, her arms folded over her chest.

 

 

The next morning, Carmilla woke slightly before nine, just in time for her meeting with her counselor. She changed into a newer set of clothes, ran her fingers through her hair a few times, and then headed out of her room. Ms. Brown had left a small map of the facility for Carmilla, so she was able to find her counselor’s office without too much confusion, although there were enough rooms that Carmilla was grateful to have the map, since there were so many rooms throughout the recovery center. When she finally found her counselor’s office, Carmilla knocked, rocking back and forth on her heels while she waited for a response.

  
The door swung open, and Carmilla found herself face to face with a young man, probably no more than a year or two older than she was. He was lean but muscular, his tight t-shirt showing off his arms. He held out a hand to Carmilla, and she shook it, glancing up at him uneasily as he smiled at her.

  
“Hi, Carmilla, right? I’m Will––I’ll be your counselor as long as you’re staying with us. Please, come on in.” Will stepped back, waving his hand to the side to invite Carmilla into the room. She went in first, looking around at the bookshelves and artwork that decorated the room. “Please, have a seat,” Will said, motioning to the love seat that was pushed against the back wall.

  
Carmilla dropped into the cushions, crossing her arms over her chest again, trying to look anywhere but at Will while he took a seat in the armchair across from her. He grabbed a notebook and pen from his desk, and scrawled a few short words across the top of the page before looking up at Carmilla.

  
“So, welcome to our shelter, Carmilla. I’m glad you decided to come stay with us.” Will smiled at Carmilla; she just scowled. “Can you tell me what made you decide to get clean?”

  
“I’ve always wanted to get clean,” Carmilla said. “Well, no, that’s not exactly true. I like heroin. But I never really thought I was an addict, even when I was spending a couple hundred a week to stay high. I always thought I could quit whenever I wanted. Until I tried, and started to go through withdrawal, and then realized I wasn’t strong enough to get clean.”

  
“You seem to be clean at the moment,” Will observed.

  
“Oh, you’re a smart one, aren’t you?” Carmilla sneered. Sarcasm was a defense mechanism for her, and Will didn’t make her feel nearly as at ease as Laura had. She wasn’t ready to decide whether or not she could open up to him.

  
“Well, what made you decide to get clean, and stick with it this time?”

  
“I met someone,” Carmilla said, unable to keep herself from smiling––barely––at the thought of Laura. “Actually, I told her to fuck off. But she took me to shelter, and she helped me get through the first couple of days of withdrawal. I always wanted to get clean, but I always tried to do it myself, and I never had anyone to stop me when I wanted to go shoot up again, just to stop from feeling the pain. She did that for me. She barely even knows me, and she helped me get through withdrawal, and she wouldn’t let me leave her apartment when I wanted to go buy another dose and just make it all stop. I had cash, and I would have definitely gone to get more if she hadn’t been there to stop me. And now that I’m on this side of withdrawal, I’m thinking clearer, and I don’t want to relapse. I need to get better, so I can actually have a life.”

  
“That’s great!” Will said enthusiastically, smiling encouragingly at Carmilla. “It sounds like you’re doing this for the right reason, which is a huge part of the battle, so you’re off to a great start. Well, I just want to go over the way things work here, and then we’ll head to group.”

  
“Group?” Carmilla asked, leaning forward slightly as her eyes widened.

  
Will raised his hands, as if trying to keep her at bay. “You don’t have to talk, you just have to attend. We have too many people here to do one-on-one with everyone, and we’ve found that group therapy makes people more likely to open up, once they realize that they’re not alone in their thoughts and feelings.”

  
Carmilla already knew that she was going to be spending her time in group therapy slouched in her chair, arms folded tightly over her chest. There was no way she was going be telling a group of strangers anything about her life.

  
“Group will be every morning at ten––we’ll head there right after this. It’s not mandatory every day, but we do ask that you attend at least three meetings a week. Group lasts for an hour and half. There’s lunch for an hour every day after that, and then every afternoon we’ve got down time. You’re free to do whatever you want––you can even leave and do whatever you’d like outside the shelter, but we’ll be looking for signs of use when you get back, just to be safe. As for what you can do if you choose to stay here, we’ve got art supplies, a decent collection of books, and workout equipment. We try to have a range of things available. This is a shelter, not a prison.”

  
“Great,” Carmilla said flatly. “So are we done with this little counseling thing?”

  
“Sure, whatever you want, Carmilla. This place is just about providing the tools to help you get better. Yes, the days are structured, but we try to leave everything fairly lenient. So if you don’t want to talk to me, then you’re free to leave. I’ll see you in group in a little while.”

  
“Sure,” Carmilla said. She pushed herself up from the loveseat, walked right past Will, and back out into the hallway. She knew she didn’t have anywhere else to stay, but she didn’t want to be here anymore. Carmilla believed Will when he said that it wasn’t a prison, but Carmilla still felt trapped. If she wanted to get clean, if she wanted a place to stay other than a pile of boxes in the back of her alley, then she really didn’t have much of a choice. She’d have to stay there––at least until she got back on her feet.

  
Carmilla headed back to her room, since she had some time to kill before she had to get to the group meeting. She didn’t really want to go, but she didn’t really have anything better to do with her time either. She laid back on her bed again, staring at the ceiling as she tried to figure out some kind of plan to get back on her feet. She couldn’t stay in this shelter forever. Eventually, she knew she’d want to find a job, something where she was making enough money to pay her own rent. She could get an apartment, start buying herself more clothes, furnishings, and maybe even decorations. Someday, maybe she’d even be ready to buy herself her own collection of books, which she’d always wanted. It was one of the reasons she’d chosen the library as one of her most consistent hide-outs.

  
Carmilla left her room a little early. She wanted to stop by the front desk and talk to Ms. Brown beforehand. She still carried the little map of the shelter with her, just in case she got lost at some point. She didn’t want to go bursting into a stranger’s room by accident. But the front desk was easy to find, and when Carmilla went through the door at the end of the hallway, she found Ms. Brown sitting there, typing away at the computer, checking the cameras on the front door every once in a while.

  
“Carmilla! Good to see you dear. Are you settling in okay?” Ms. Brown’s smile was infectious, and had the same calming effect that Laura seemed to have. Ms. Brown made Carmilla feel like there was someone who believed in her, and she felt immediately more at ease when she was around her.

  
“Yeah, thanks,” Carmilla said, her hands still shoved in her pockets. “I was kind of curious though, if there was any way I could get a pen and notebook? I just wanted to write some things out. That always used to help me when I was younger, but I haven’t done it in a while.”

  
“Oh, absolutely! Writing is one of my favorite past times too, I completely understand. We actually keep them in the lounge area, straight through there, which is where group will be taking place as well. They’re in the cabinet just to the left of the bookshelves, feel free to help yourself!”

  
“Great, thanks again.” Carmilla headed into the lounge, where people were already starting to gather before group. She headed straight to the bookshelf, found the cabinet, and opened it, eager to get her hands on a notebook. There was a stack of them, black and white composition notebooks, like the kind Carmilla had used when she was first learning to write as a kindergartner. Next to the notebooks were a few boxes of pens. Carmilla pulled a black pen from one of the boxes, and scribbled in her notebook, just to make sure it worked.

  
“Carmilla, can you take a seat so we can go ahead and get started?” Will was apparently running the group therapy session, and he was standing in the middle of a circle of chairs. Carmilla closed the cabinet back up and headed towards the closest unoccupied chair. She sat down, glancing over at the guy sitting next to her. He was tall––probably at least six feet, and he was giving her a stupid grin.

  
“Hey, first day?” he asked. Without waiting for her response, he continued, “Nice to have you. I’m Brody, by the way. I’ve been here for about three months now. Most of these people come and go within a matter of weeks, but I like it, so I’m making it a bit longer of a stay.”

  
“I’m happy for you,” Carmilla said sarcastically, never turning to look at him.

  
“Alright, let’s get started,” Will said, moving to take a seat on the side of the circle to Carmilla’s left. “Today I’d like to talk about coping mechanisms––things that you might do to try and stay clean.”

  
Carmilla tried to pay attention, but within ten minutes, her mind was wandering, trying to figure out how exactly she could get out of there to start doing things her way.

 

 

When group and lunch were both finally over with, Carmilla headed back to her room, notebook gripped eagerly in hand.

  
Group hadn’t been too terrible. Once she’d stopped listening to everyone else and just decided to let her mind wander, she actually kind of enjoyed herself. Lunch had been painful––Kirsch had insisted on sitting next to her, and his small group of friends all followed him. Even though Carmilla made a point of not joining in their conversation, every time she tried to start writing in her notebook, Kirsch or one of his friends would tell her to put it away and actually try to make friends. Eventually, she’d given up on the notebook out of sheer annoyance.

  
But now she was alone, back in her room, and she was eager to start writing. It had always been the easiest way for her to work out whatever she was thinking about, and at that moment, Carmilla had a lot of things she needed to think about. So she flipped open to the first page of the notebook, and on the very top line of the page she wrote, in her slanted handwriting:

_Timeline/Plan. She skipped a line, and then wrote: 1. Get job––full or part time, need at least $200 a week; 2. get an apartment; 3. stay clean._

  
It was simple, but it was a start. Now Carmilla just had to figure out how to actually make it happen. She took the note from Laura back out, reading it over again. The words gave her some encouragement, and another burst of determination. Carmilla thought maybe she’d give Laura a call. It would be nice to have someone on her side to help her out.

 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Laura was walking home after a long day at work, wondering how Carmilla’s first day in the recovery shelter had gone. Laura knew that it wasn’t exactly the greatest long-term solution to Carmilla’s problems, but she figured that it would at least give the girl enough of a head start that she’d be able to figure things out on her own soon enough. But Laura tried to push thoughts of Carmilla from her mind; she wasn’t Laura’s problem anymore. If she called, and wanted to talk, Laura would answer, but she wasn’t going to spend her free time worrying about some girl she hardly knew.

  
When her phone rang, Laura answered without bothering to check the caller ID. “This is Laura,” she said, pressing the phone to her ear.

  
“Hey Hollis, how very formal of you.”

  
Laura smiled. The voice belonged to LaFontaine, one of her best friends (and former roommate). “Hey Laf! Sorry, I didn’t even check the caller ID.”

  
“Oh, living on the edge, are we? I could have been a telemarketer, you know.”

  
“I’ll remember that next time I see your name on caller ID,” Laura teased. “So what’s up? Everything still good at the Laf and Lola household?”

  
“You know she hates that,” Laf said gently. “Perr’s doing great. Really great. The house is sparkling, she’s in her element. Actually, we were just calling to see if you and that giant of a girlfriend of yours would like to come over for dinner. Perry hasn’t cooked for anyone in almost two weeks now, I think she’s starting to get anxious.”

  
Laura laughed. That was Perry, the mother of their small group, always cooking for everyone, and cleaning up after everyone’s mess. “Sounds great. I’m on my way home now, actually. I’ll talk to Danny and give you a call back, alright?”

  
“Sounds good! Later, Hollis!”

  
Laura started to say goodbye, but Laf had already hung up on her. She walked the last few blocks to her house, humming softly to herself as she got closer and closer. She climbed two flights of stairs up to her apartment, and then opened the door to find Danny already sitting on the sofa. Her legs were stretched out in front of her, papers were strewn across the floor next to her, and she was typing furiously on the laptop perched on her lap.

  
“Hey, I’m home,” Laura called, loudly. She could see the cord of Danny’s headphones disappearing under her hair, and she knew that Danny probably wouldn’t hear her anyway. Sure enough, Danny kept typing, completely oblivious to Laura’s presence. Laura walked closer, waiting to see how close she could get before Danny noticed her.

  
“Oh, hey!” Danny said, pulling her headphones from her ears. Laura was already at the foot of the couch. “I didn’t even hear you come in. How was your day?”

  
“It was pretty good,” Laura said, leaning down to give Danny a quick kiss. “I actually helped one of the women in my shelter fill out a restraining order against her husband. He’s an absolutely horrible man, the stories she’s told me make me sick. And they’re halfway through the divorce, so he only seems to be getting nastier. It was so great to see how happy she was when she sent the forms off to the courthouse. She’s starting to seem more hopeful.”

  
“Look at you,” Danny said proudly, “counselor and lawyer. Is there anything you can’t do?”

  
Laura looked up for a moment, thinking. “Well, I can’t track down her husband and kick his ass,” she admitted finally. “Although sometimes, when this woman’s done with her sessions with me, I’d really, really like to. Just to remind him that there are some women in this world who aren’t afraid of him.”

  
“I’d pay to see that fight,” Danny said. “You’re tiny, but when you’re angry you’re kind of terrifying.”

  
“Thanks. I think. You working on a paper?” Laura nodded to the mess of papers on the living room floor.

  
“Yeah. Midterm’s due in a month.”

  
“A month? And you’re starting already?” Laura was incredulous. She’d never started her assignments any more than a week before they were due.

  
“Well, it’s a fifty page paper, so yeah. It’s going to take a while. I’ve been working on it for a few hours now and I’ve got…” Danny scrolled through her document before continuing, “five paragraphs. So yeah, it’s probably going to take a month. And I am so not excited about the dissertation I’ll have to do before I get my degree. You probably won’t even see me half as much as you do now.”

  
Laura pouted at that. “As long as you know you better be here to sleep, I guess I’ll survive.”

  
“Naturally,” Danny smiled.

  
“Oh, I almost forgot! Laf called, they wanted to know if we wanted to go over to their place for dinner sometime. Apparently Perry’s getting anxious without having people to cook for.”

  
“That woman is going to make a fantastic mother someday,” Danny said, chuckling slightly. “And yeah, I’d love to go over. It’s been a little while since we hung out, all four of us. Did they say when?”

  
“No, I said I’d call them back after I talked to you.”

  
“Oh cool. Well, I should be able to make pretty much any day work, so it’s up to you. Tell them I say hi when you call back!”

  
“Will do. Also, are we making dinner tonight or ordering something?”

  
“I think what you’re trying to ask is if I’m making anything. And no, I’ve been working on this paper all night, let’s just order a pizza or something.”

  
“Alright, sounds good. I’ll give Laf a call, and then I’ll call and order the pizza. Good luck with your paper of epic proportions, love.”

  
Danny smiled at Laura before turning her attention back to her laptop. Laura went into their bedroom to change into something more comfortable for the evening, phone in hand. She called LaFontaine as she pulled shorts and a t-shirt from her dresser.  
“Hey, Laf, I just got home and talked to Danny. She said any day’s fine with her to come over for dinner.”

  
“Alright, how’s tomorrow?” Laf asked. Laura paused, so Laf added, “Perry really needs to cook for someone other than me, she’ll probably be glowing when you guys come over.”

  
Laura laughed. “Alright sounds good. Tell the Mrs. that Danny and I say hi.”

  
“Will do. See you tomorrow, Laur.”

  
Again, LaFontaine hung up before Laura had the chance to say goodbye. Laura sighed, and dropped her phone on the bed while she changed her clothes, hanging her work clothes back in the closet. She was just about to call the pizza place when the phone started ringing. She checked the caller ID before answering this time, although she’d assumed it was Laf calling with something they’d forgotten to say. But it was a number that Laura didn’t recognize. It was a local area code though, so she answered it.  
“Hello?”

  
“Uh, hi,” the voice on the other end said, sounding uncertain. “Um, is this Laura?”

  
“That’s me,” Laura answered, trying to figure out who the voice on the phone belonged to. It didn’t sound like any of her friends, or any of the women she counseled at her shelter. “Can I ask who’s calling?”

  
“It’s me… Carmilla. You left your number? On that note you gave Ms. Brown?” Carmilla sounded even more unsure.

  
“Oh! Carmilla, hey. Sorry, I just didn’t recognize your voice over the phone. Is everything okay?”

  
“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just having some trouble adjusting to this place. It’s just a little overwhelming, I guess.”  
Laura hesitated before asking, “Would you like me to come visit sometime?”

  
There was a long pause before Carmilla finally responded. “I think I’d like that.”

  
“Alright, well I’m busy tonight, but maybe I can come by some time tomorrow? I should be able to come by after I’ve checked in with my girls at the women’s shelter, just to make sure that everyone’s doing okay. I can just tell my boss that I’m doing some cross-training at the recovery shelter, it won’t be an issue. What time works for you?”

  
“Sometime in the afternoon, probably,” Carmilla answered, sounding slightly bitter. “Our morning is all schedule out for us.”  
“Cool. Well I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

  
“Thanks.” Carmilla said, before hanging up suddenly.

  
“What is people’s problem with saying ‘goodbye?’” Laura asked, staring incredulously at her phone. She called their local pizza place and ordered her and Danny’s favorite pizza––four cheese pizza with red and green peppers, red onions, and bacon. It was a compromise she and Danny had reached long ago: the peppers and onions were Laura’s choice; the bacon Danny’s. That way they were both happy. Laura headed back out into the living room, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV as she curled up in the armchair.

  
“Did I hear you talking to Carmilla?” Danny asked, not looking up from her laptop.

  
Laura felt a twinge of annoyance. Why was Danny still harping on about Carmilla? “Yeah, I was. I gave her my number and told her to call if she needed anything. Do you have a problem with that?”

  
“No, it’s nothing,” Danny said, forcing her voice to sound light.

Laura just rolled her eyes. She could tell that something was bothering Danny, but she didn’t want to force the issue. She knew Danny would tell her sooner or later. They could just deal with it then.

 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Day two at the recovery center seemed to drag on. Carmilla decided to go to group again that morning, even though she didn’t bother to contribute to the conversation. She did better than she had the day before, and actually listened to everyone’s stories. She found out that Brody, the over-sized puppy dog of a man that had clung to her side during her first group meeting had had a troubled childhood. It actually reminded Carmilla of her own, and by the end of the session, she was feeling significantly warmer towards him. She even sat with him and his friends at lunch––although she still tried to preserve her aloof demeanor.

  
Finally, afternoon rolled around. Carmilla went to the lounge to find a book to read while she waited for Laura to drop by. She found _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_ , by Friedrich Nietzsche. She’d heard about him, and his writings in philosophy, so she figured she’d find it interesting.

  
She’d been reading for over an hour before Ms. Brown came in, Laura trailing slightly behind her. “Ms. Karnstein? I’ve a visitor here for you.”

  
Carmilla thanked Ms. Brown, smiling at Laura as she tucked a scrap of paper into her book to save her spot. “Hi,” she said, standing up to face Laura. “Thanks for coming. I didn’t know if you would or not.”

  
“Of course,” Laura said, grinning at Carmilla. “I told you to call me if you needed anything. So, do you want to hang out here?”

  
“No, let’s go somewhere else. We can go to my room,” Carmilla offered. “Or we can go to a park or something.”

  
“Your room works,” Laura said. She didn’t think that a few days was long enough for Carmilla to get over her cravings, and she didn’t think that she’d be able to convince her not to slip away to buy more drugs if they went outside the shelter. “Lead the way.”

  
Carmilla headed through the halls, Laura following close behind her, looking around as they headed through. “Seems like a pretty decent place they’ve got here,” she observed aloud. “And it’s nice that they’ve got some reading that you’re interested in.”

  
“Yeah, I just found this earlier today, actually. Maybe something Nietzsche has to say can help me get clean again. If not, at least I can get a head start on my college career.” Carmilla opened the door to her room, and stood aside so Laura could come in after her. “Sorry I don’t have a table or anything. I’d buy furnishing, but I spent my last hundred on heroin.” Carmilla looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of Laura’s horrified expression. “Sorry,” she said quickly, looking at the floor. “I guess it’s too soon for me to be joking about that.”

  
“Seeing as it’s been five days, that’s a safe bet,” Laura said, taking a seat on Carmilla’s bed. “So how have you been doing here so far? Settling in alright?”  
“Yeah, it’s been great,” Carmilla replied, her voice flat.

  
“You’re lying,” Laura replied. “I think you forget I work with women and children from abusive situations, I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing when someone’s lying to me. So how’s it really going?”

  
Carmilla hesitated, and sighed heavily before answering, “Alright, yeah, it’s been a little weird. I guess I’m just so used to being on my own, that being thrown in with all these new people is a little bit of an adjustment for me. And I don’t really feel completely comfortable with my counselor. His name’s Will, and he seems nice enough, but I just feel so––guarded around him. And in group too. I’ve spent years just being on my own, and relying on myself, so it’s really, really weird to be expected to open up to a group of strangers all of a sudden.”

  
“Well, I can’t really say anything that’ll help you open up,” Laura said slowly, choosing her words. “That’s something that you have to be willing to do on your own. Let me ask you though, do you feel more comfortable around me than around your counselor?” Carmilla nodded. “Why is that?”

  
Carmilla thought for a minute before answering, “Well, I don’t know honestly. There’s something about you that just kind of puts me at ease. Ms. Brown, up front, has the same effect on me, I can’t explain it exactly. I guess I also feel a little better around you because you saw me through three days of withdrawal, so I’m guessing that you’ve already seen the worst of me. I can be pretty nasty, particularly when I’m uncomfortable. And withdrawal was more than a little uncomfortable.”

  
“Yeah, you were kind of… interesting to take care of,” Laura said delicately. “But listen, the people here are all here to help you, and they all want to see you get better. So do I. So just do your best to open up. At the very least, be willing to listen. Will you give it a try?”

  
Carmilla shrugged her shoulders. “I guess. I mean it’s not like it can hurt, right?”

  
“Exactly,” Laura said. She waited for Carmilla to say something, but when she didn’t, Laura spoke again. “So, did you have anything you wanted to do? Or talk about? I’ve got a few hours to spend here, if you want me to stay. I can go, if you want to get back to your book.”

  
“No, please, stay,” Carmilla said quickly. “I wish I had something for us to do.”

  
Laura reached into her purse and pulled out a deck of cards. “Well, do you know how to play hearts?”

  
“No, but I’m willing to learn,” Carmilla said with a smile, taking a seat at the end of the bed opposite Laura.

  
“Great!” Laura said, smiling at Carmilla again as she started to shuffle the cards. “Let’s play!”


	4. Cracks in the Foundation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla starts to open up about her past, with the help of Will, Brody, and Laura. Carmilla starts to see a future for herself; Laura and Danny get into an argument.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: discussion of abusive family situations and violence; issues with addictions
> 
> Sorry this chapter's more depressing than the others, it'll get better soon!
> 
> Also, I should note that in this story, Carmilla's not a vampire; everyone's human. And they're all a little older than college age (Laura's 22, Carmilla's 23).

It took about a week for Carmilla to get comfortable with her new routine, but soon after her arrival, the recovery shelter was starting to feel more like a place she could call home––at least for the time being. She’d get up around eight every morning, grab breakfast with whoever else had gotten up early enough to eat with her, and then head to group at ten. She’d also talked to will, and they’d agreed that she would start meeting with him once a week for one-on-one counseling sessions. She spent lunch with Brody and his friends, and she’d even started to laugh along at some of their stupid jokes. Then, in the afternoons, she alternated between reading her way through the shelter’s small library and spending time with Laura, who had started coming to visit at least three times a week.

  
Carmilla was especially starting to look forward to Laura’s visits. Laura had come to visit three times already, and she always brought something for them to do. So far, she’d taught Carmilla how to play hearts, and Scrabble. Laura won hearts by a landslide; Carmilla evened the score when they played Scrabble. They were sitting on Carmilla’s bed again on Saturday, each holding a handful of cards as they played another round of hearts.

  
“So, things have been getting better for you?” Laura asked as she tried to decide which cards she wanted to play next.

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla said, watching Laura. She loved the fact that Laura was so willing to spend time with her. Carmilla was starting to feel like she had a friend again––something she hadn’t truly felt since she’d run away from home. “I took your advice. I started trying to participate more actively. I’ve been going to group every day, and I’m meeting with Will once a week too. I mean, I’ve only met with him the once, but we agreed that we’d start doing one-on-ones every Monday morning.”

  
“That’s great! I’m really proud of you, Carmilla.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, smiling again.

  
A few minutes of silence passed between them as they continued to play before Laura spoke again. “Why don’t you ever ask me anything?”

  
“Huh?”

  
“You’ve hardly ever asked me anything. About myself, or even how my day’s going,” Laura’s voice wasn’t harsh, just curious. But Carmilla still felt a pang in her gut; she realized she’d been self-absorbed again, too worried about her own problems to even bother trying to learn more about the girl who’d been helping her so much. Carmilla’s throat felt thick as she tried to come up with an answer, but before she could decide what she wanted to say, Laura spoke again. “It’s alright––I’m not criticizing you. you’ve had more than enough going on.”

  
“I guess you could say that,” Carmilla said, frowning.

  
“Carmilla, really, it’s okay,” Laura insisted, reaching out to squeeze Carmilla’s hand. “I’m a counselor, I never stop asking people questions. But, you know, you learn a lot more about people by asking questions. And that’ll help you out with your philosophy stuff too.”

  
Carmilla squirmed uncomfortably for a minute before speaking again. “So, how did you decide you wanted to be a counselor?”

  
Laura gave Carmilla a sad, half-smile. “I figured it out in high school. One of my friends was going through a lot––they’re queer and genderfluid, and they had a lot of trouble figuring things out when we were in high school. And their parents weren’t very supportive, so they were really struggling with a lot. I did my best to help, and they spent a lot of time at my house. But as much as I tried to help, they were still hurting, and they started looking for better coping mechanisms. I don’t want to say what exactly, but it was just––it was bad. Then I started getting more involved, and my dad and I talked to their parents, and their parents started to come around. That’s when I realized I wanted to be a counselor. Being able to help people, and to feel like I’m making a difference? It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt.”

  
Carmilla felt another tug in her stomach. She loved learning more about Laura, and the more she learned, the more convinced she was that Laura was one of the most genuine people she’d ever met. But she also felt insecure around her sometimes. She just couldn’t understand what she’d done to deserve the attention of someone like Laura. “So then you just started college, and studied what… psychology?”

  
“Yeah!” Laura said, beaming. “Psychology with a minor in women’s studies. I added the minor later on, once I’d started to figure out what branch of counseling I wanted to go into. Originally, I’d planned on going into counseling specializing in the queer community, but when I interned with the women’s shelter, and I saw all the good they were doing, I knew that I would be insanely happy working with them. So I added the women’s studies minor, and took a lot of classes revolving around women’s psychology and the psychology of abuse as well.”

  
“I can’t wait to go to college,” Carmilla said, truly lighting up for the first time since Laura had met her. “It’s just, it’s amazing all the things you get to learn about, and all the different kinds of classes you get to take.”

  
“What will you sign up for as your first class?” Laura asked. By then, they’d both set their decks of cards down. It was too hard, especially for Carmilla, to keep playing while trying to carry on a conversation at the same time.

  
Carmilla looked up at the ceiling for a minute, thinking of all the classes she could take. Philosophy intrigued her most, but she also loved literature and languages. “I can’t just pick one class,” Carmilla said finally, “but I think for my first semester I’d sign up for German, so I can start learning another language. Then some kind of philosophy class. I was looking at one school, before I ran away, that had a philosophy class called ‘Love, Sex, and Morals,’ and I think I’d like something like that. And probably a literature course of some type too––the classics, preferably.”

  
“That sounds really interesting,” Laura said. “I studied German for a couple semesters, so if you decide you want someone to practice with, just let me know!”

  
Carmilla looked down at her bed, smiling. She looked back up when she heard Laura’s phone ringing. Laura dug into her pocket to find the phone.

  
“Oh, damn, it’s Danny,” she said, feeling weird as she said it. She didn’t want to leave––Carmilla was opening up to her for the first time, and Laura loved getting more insight into Carmilla’s life and passions. But it was five o’clock already, and Laura had to be getting home in time for dinner. “I’ve got to head out. You got any big plans for the weekend?”

  
“Probably just reading,” Carmilla said, shrugging. “I think I might ask Ms. Brown if I can find a part-time job to start making some money. I can’t live here forever, right?”

  
“I think that’s a great idea,” Laura said, though her smile faltered. She wasn’t sure if Carmilla would be alright on her own, living on her own, with a steady source of income that would be only too easy to spend on drugs if she felt tempted. “Um, so I’ll see you sometime next week?”

  
“Yeah, feel free to drop by whenever,” Carmilla said, trying not to sound too eager. She wanted Laura to keep coming to visit her, but she didn’t want Laura to think that she was in any was reliant on her. “Have a good weekend.”

  
“You too, Carm,” Laura replied, waving over her shoulder as she headed out the door. Carmilla felt a warm glow in her chest at the promise of more visits. Things really were starting to look up.

 

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Even though Carmilla was trying to open up more, it still took her three weeks of group sessions, and three individual sessions with Will before she was finally able to start letting some of her walls down. She still wasn’t opening up much in group––even though she’d realized how many of her life experiences she shared with the others in the shelter, she still couldn’t bring herself to reveal so much personal information to complete strangers. But in her sessions with Will, she was starting to open up, to share more.

  
During their fourth meeting together, Carmilla curled up on the loveseat, tucking her legs underneath her as she sat, and folding her hands in her lap. Will took his seat in the armchair across from her, and perched his notebook on his knee, pen in hand.

  
“Alright, Carmilla, do you think you’re ready to talk a bit about your past?”

  
“I guess I could give it a shot,” Carmilla said, her arms moving instinctively to fold over her chest. “What do you want to know?”

  
“Tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me. Talk about your childhood… your friends, parents, family. Anything that really sticks out in your memory that you want to talk about.”

  
“Alright,” Carmilla said, taking a breath to calm herself. “Well, I guess everything was normal enough when I was growing up. My parents were still together, I was going to daycare, and then preschool, and then kindergarten, all that good stuff. It wasn’t until I was about eight that my parents started fighting. And I had no idea what to do, so I just kind of retreated into my room. I could hear them screaming at each other, so I found out most of what went wrong in their relationship. My father had apparently cheated on my mom, and she was saying all these things to him. She said that he always wanted the ‘newer version’ of everything, and it made sense that he’d want a newer, hotter girlfriend too. She also said that he’d been different with her every since I was born. She said that having me had ruined her––except she said that one to me, not my dad.”

  
Carmilla ran her fingers through her hair, flipping it to the other side of her face. “They got in these massive arguments for months before my dad finally filed for divorce. And then I got caught up in the custody battle. They both wanted solitary custody, and it got really brutal. I was only eight, so the judge didn’t really take my opinion into account as much as she probably could have. I wanted to live with my dad, but instead my mother got primary custody and so I lived with her most weeks, and my dad got me every other weekend.”

  
“And things were okay––for a while, at least. I didn’t love living with my mom, but I still got to see my dad, and I didn’t have to listen to them screaming at each other anymore. Then a few things changed. My mother started getting nasty. She’d come into my room sometimes and tell me that my parents’ divorce was my fault, and that none of it would have happened if I hadn’t been born. She said that my dad didn’t really love me, or he’d have fought harder to get custody of me.”

  
“And then my dad got sick. Cancer, but I forgot what exactly. Lungs or liver, or something. I was so scared. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, but mother wouldn’t let me go to the hospital. She even stopped taking me to see him on the weekends that were supposed to be his. And he was too weak, and I guess he was spending all his money on his chemo treatments, because he stopped fighting for me. He died less than six months after being diagnosed. And then it was just me and mother.”

  
Carmilla’s voice trailed off, and she wiped a tear away from her cheek with the edge of her sleeve. It had been years since she’d last talked about her childhood, and she’d spent the last three years trying to erase the memory of it completely. It was painful to talk about, and it felt like there was a fist tight around her heart, squeezing it whenever she touched on one of her more painful memories.

  
“It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot,” Will observed as he added a few finishing touches to the notes he’d been taking.

  
“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Carmilla scoffed.

  
“Do you want to keep going?” Will prompted gently. “You could tell me more about what happened after your dad died. I suspect that’s when things got more serious for you?”

  
Carmilla took a shaky breath. That was a part of her life she’d been trying so hard to forget about. “Let’s just say my mother is a horrible person.”

  
“Care to elaborate on that at all?”

  
“Not really,” Carmilla said stiffly, folding her arms tighter, hiding her hands under her elbows so that Will couldn’t see that her hands were shaking.

  
“Alright,” Will said, frowning slightly. “Well, unless there’s anything else you wanted to talk about, I guess we can head down to group. You can help me set up the chairs.”

  
“Sure,” Carmilla said, pushing herself up from the couch. Anything was preferable to telling Will all the grisly details of her childhood and teenage years.

  
Once they’d gotten the chairs set up, and everyone had taken their seats in the circle, Will stood up in the middle of the circle to introduce the topic of discussion for the day. “Good morning, everyone! Let’s go ahead and get started. So I know we’ve talked about this before, but I certainly don’t think it would hurt to discuss it again… we’re going to be talking about growing up. So whatever you want to talk about from your childhood, go for it.”

  
Carmilla glared at him as he sat down. She felt as if her blood were about to start boiling; she hadn’t wanted to talk about her childhood after her dad died, so now Will was making it the topic of that day’s group discussions.

Brody was the first one to speak. “Well, I guess I’ll go first, cause everyone here pretty much knows a little bit about my past. Uh, so I grew up not too far from here, in a tiny little house on the edge of town. Me, my little brother, and my parents. I grew up hearing my parents fight all the time, so I thought that was totally normal, y’know? It wasn’t until I was like ten that things started to change, and I started to realize that things were more messed up than I’d realized originally. It was the first time I ever saw my dad hit my mom. And then I ran in––all four foot tall, ninety pounds of me––and tried to break it up between them. That was the first time my dad hit me, and he knocked me out cold. From then on, that was my new normal. My dad would hit my mom, and I’d try to break it up, or he’d just beat the shit––sorry, crap out of me.”

  
Carmilla had heard this before, but she still felt a tug on her heart as she heard him talk about it. She recognized the flat, dull voice in which he told his story, and even though she’d never admit that she was starting to care about him, it killed her to know that he’d gone through so much.

  
“Um, so that continued for a really long time,” Brody continued, staring at a point on the floor as he spoke. “And then things changed when my dad hit my brother. I did my best to protect my mom, and I could handle him hitting me, but when I saw him hitting my brother, something in me just snapped. I attacked him, even though I was still too weak to really defend myself. He broke my arm. When it got better, I started sneaking into the gym at school to work out as much as I could, so that I could get stronger. I wanted to be as strong as I could so that I could finally beat my dad.”

  
Brody took a long pause before speaking again. “Um, so this is kind of going off subject, but everyone here knows me as Brody, except for you, Will. But, um, my full name’s Wilson Kirsch, Brody’s my middle name. Wilson Brody Kirsch Junior. I guess once I finish this story, you’ll understand why I tried to distance myself from that as much as possible.”

  
Carmilla looked up at Brody for the first time. She’d never heard him talk _this_ much about his past, and she was nervous and terrified of what would come next.

  
“So I finally thought I was strong enough to take my dad. The next time I saw him hitting my mom, I just attacked him. And I really thought I had him. I was beating him, and there was blood everywhere, and my mom was shouting and crying and my brother was crying. And then my dad managed to push me off him, and he got away from me. He got to his bedroom, and I chased him, but he had a gun. I didn’t realize it until he already had it pointed at me. He shot me in the side, and when I collapsed, he ran past me. I was helpless, and I could hear my family screaming, and then there were shots, and then everything went silent.”

  
Brody cleared his throat, blinking rapidly. “I had to crawl back to the living room to call 911. It took me nearly twenty minutes to get there, and then another twenty before the ambulance and the police finally got there. My… uh, my family was dead. My father shot them, and then he shot himself. I was the only one that survived. I spent a few weeks in the hospital before I got out. But when I finally did get out, I had nowhere left to go. So I ended up on the streets, and I couldn’t keep living with myself, knowing everything that had happened. And that is the story of how I ended up as a heroin addict.”

  
Carmilla brushed her fingers under her eyes, hoping that no one had noticed that she’d started crying. Brody’s story just hit a little too close to home.

  
“Thanks for sharing, Brody,” Will said. He paused. “Anyone else want to share?” Will glanced at Carmilla for a moment, but she just glared back. “Anyone? Alright, I guess we can call that a day. Brody, thanks again. Hopefully more of you will be willing to open up next time.”

  
Carmilla got up to leave, but she changed her mind, and headed over to talk to Brody instead. “Hey.”

  
“Hey,” Brody answered, not meeting Carmilla’s eyes.

  
“I’m sorry about everything you went through. That was… heavy. I just wanted to say that I understand, at least a bit. My mother was––let’s just say that my mother had a few things in common with your father.” Carmilla felt her heart beating faster. She started to feel shaky too, but as far as she could tell she wasn’t visibly shaking.

  
“Thanks, Carmilla,” Brody said. But he clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk anymore. He got up from his chair, arms still crossed, and left the room.

  
“Maybe next time, you’ll consider sharing some of your own story?” Will was standing behind Carmilla.

  
“Maybe I’m just not ready to talk about it!” Carmilla snapped, her heart beating even faster. She felt like she was losing control. “You’ve got to stop pushing people for information that’s still too painful for them to talk about it. I’ve spent years trying to forget the things my mother did, and I self-medicated to make that happen. I’m not going to just get over all that in a matter of weeks, so back off!”

  
Will looked like Carmilla had hit him, and he took a few steps back, standing aside so that she could storm out past him. Carmilla hurried back to her room, grabbed the phone, and dialed Laura’s number.

  
“Hello?” Laura answered after a couple rings.

  
“Hey, it’s me,” Carmilla said. “Listen, were you planning on coming by today?”

  
“Yeah, I usually come on Mondays, right?” Laura said. Carmilla could tell that she was confused by the call. “Why, is everything okay?”

  
“Fine,” Carmilla snapped. “Just, don’t come today, alright? You can come on Wednesday if you want, just not today.” She hung up the phone before Laura could respond, or say anything to change her mind.

  
Carmilla paced back and forth in her room for a few minutes before she headed out, to the front desk. She had to get out of there; she’d been cooped up for too long, and she couldn’t do it anymore. She hadn’t counted on Ms. Brown.

  
“Miss Karnstein?” Ms. Brown asked as soon as Carmilla burst into the main lobby. “Can I ask where you’re headed?”

  
“I need to get out of here,” Carmilla said, running her fingers through her hair. “I can’t do this anymore. I thought I was ready, but I just, I can’t. You’ve got a bunch of people who don’t know how to live normal lives, and you’re somehow expecting us to get better? As if we’re going to be able to get out in the real world and fend for ourselves? As if we’re not all going to get back out there and just start using again.”

  
“Miss Karnstein, what’s wrong? You’ve been making steady improvement for the last few weeks here, and now you’re talking about using again?”

  
Carmilla was still pacing, taking short steps back and forth in front of the desk, still running her fingers nervously through her hair. “I was trying, but I’m just––I’m not strong enough for this! I’m not strong enough.” Carmilla started crying, really crying, for the first time in a long time. She shook as she sobbed, her hands covering her eyes.

  
Ms. Brown stepped out from behind the desk and wrapped her arms around Carmilla, hugging her tightly. “You are strong enough, Carmilla. The fact that you’re here proves that. You are fighting, and you’re going to win. You just have to keep fighting, okay? Just because some days are harder than others does not mean that you are weak, and it certainly does not mean that you cannot beat this.” Ms. Brown stepped back, her hands on Carmilla’s shoulders. “You can do this, Miss Karnstein.”

  
When Carmilla started to calm down, and had stopped crying, Ms. Brown returned to her seat behind the desk, and started gathering together some papers. “As for what happens when you leave here, we have a fairly good system to help you out. We have apartment buildings that are more than happy to take in our former residents, and there are several local businesses that are more than willing to offer second chances. Take a look over these when you get the chance,” Ms. Brown handed Carmilla a stack of papers with information about apartments and job opportunities. “And let me know if you need anything, Miss Karnstein. I’m here to help.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, her voice still shaky, her eyes still red and puffy. Her heart still felt like it was beating much faster than it should have been, but she was beginning to feel slightly more calm. At least she no longer felt like running out of the shelter as fast as she possibly could was her only option.

  
“I’m not just here to open doors, you know,” Ms. Brown said, winking at Carmilla as Carmilla turned to head back to her room.

  
Carmilla skipped lunch, and just headed straight to her room. She set the papers from Ms. Brown on her nightstand and laid on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, and started to drift off to sleep. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she heard a knock at the door. Carmilla got up, crossed to the door, and pulled it open. She staggered backwards, surprised, when someone, slightly shorter than her, with long dirty blonde hair hugged her with enough force that it nearly knocked Carmilla over.

  
“Thank god you’re alright,” Laura said, stepping back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to tackle you like that.”

  
“It’s fine,” Carmilla said, her cheeks flushed. She couldn’t help but feel her heart grow lighter now that Laura was there. “Why did you come? I told you not to.”

  
“Oh, please,” Laura said, her brow furrowed as she walked past Carmilla to take a seat on her bed. “You sounded like you were in the middle of a panic attack––that call didn’t exactly put me at ease. I just had to make sure you were okay… and still here.”

  
“Why?” Carmilla asked. She still couldn’t understand why Laura was so invested in her.

  
“Because I want to make sure that you’re doing well,” Laura said slowly, like she was afraid Carmilla wouldn’t understand her.

“Because I care.”

  
“But why?” Carmilla asked again. “You barely even know me. Why does it matter to you whether I’m okay or not?”

  
Laura looked astounded. How could Carmilla really not understand that Laura cared about her? “I barely know you? Carm, I know that I don’t know much about your past, but that’s because I’ve never really pushed to know. But I know that you want to get better so that you can put your life back together. I know that you want to go to school and study philosophy, and that you don’t really know what you want to do with that, but you think you might want to be a teacher someday. I know that you love reading, and that you’ve already worked your way through about a third of the books they’ve got here, even though you’ve only been here a few weeks, and I know that you want to start learning German when you get to school. Is that enough, or should I go on, because I’m sure I could add a few more reasons if you really need them.”

  
Carmilla grinned. Now not only did her heart feel light, but the rest of her felt light as well. Laura wasn’t just helping her because it was her job or because she felt like she had to; Laura was there because she really did care about Carmilla. “It… it means a lot, having you help me out so much,” Carmilla said, finally taking a seat on the bed as well.

  
“Don’t mention it,” Laura said, her face settling into her usual slight smile. “So, is there a reason that today was such a rough day for you?”

  
Carmilla hesitated, feeling anxious again as she debated whether or not to tell Laura why she’d been so upset. She’d already told Laura plenty, and she didn’t see Laura turning against her anytime soon, so she started talking, “I’ve been trying to take your advice and open up more during counseling and during group. So I had counseling this morning with Will, and I told him more about my childhood, how my parents fought all the time, how they ended up getting divorced, and how my mother would tell me that it was my fault they’d gotten divorced. I told him how my dad fought for custody, but my mother ended up getting primary custody of me. And how my dad died of cancer just a few years later, and I was stuck with mother. So I was already kind of upset after talking about that––I generally try to avoid talking about my childhood, so that was just… I felt kind of on edge after that. I didn’t want to tell Will any more, so we just went to group and waited for everyone else to show up.”

  
Carmilla twisted her hands together, and tried to keep her emotions at bay as she continued. “At group one of the guys I’ve been hanging out with, Brody, he told us all his story. About how he grew up with his parents always fighting, how one day he’d seen his dad hit his mom, and how he’d tried to defend her, but his dad had just started hitting him instead. It went on for years, sometimes worse than others. Eventually, Brody thought that he could finally beat his dad, but his dad ended up killing everyone. He killed Brody’s mom, and his brother before he killed himself. Brody was the only one that survived.”

  
Carmilla met Laura’s eyes, and found that Laura had tears in her eyes. Carmilla wondered how many stories like Brody’s she’d heard before; how many women and children she’d helped out of situations just like his. “I, uh,” Carmilla stammered, trying to find the right words. “I think I maybe did have a panic attack, because his story was just really hard to listen to. My mother, she… my mother was kind of the same way. After my dad died, things got...much worse.” Carmilla didn’t even realize that her voice had gone monotone, just like Brody’s had when he was telling his story. “Mother started telling me that my dad wouldn’t have died if it weren’t for me, that his cancer was caused because I was such a bad kid––which I know now is bullshit, but I was about nine at the time, so I believed everything she told me. And then, I guess that telling me how awful I was just wasn’t good enough for her anymore, because then she started hitting me too.”

  
Tears were rolling down Laura’s cheeks now, and she raised a hand to her mouth, as she listened, horrified, to Carmilla’s story. The more of it Carmilla told, the more Laura’s heart hurt for her. No one should ever have to feel that kind of pain, let alone a young girl who’d just lost her father.

  
“I started having to wear sweatshirts to school everyday so that my teachers wouldn’t notice the bruises. By the time I was eleven, I’d learned how to perfectly apply makeup to cover up a bruise. And mother was smart too, it wasn’t like she did this all the time. Most of the time, she just said horrible things to me. She only hit me occasionally, and usually only when I’d started to ignore her taunts. Sometimes she’d do other stuff, like refuse to make me dinner or refuse to wash my clothes. I started to learn to do everything for myself. I got a job when I was fifteen, because she said that if I was old enough to work, then it wasn’t her job to support me anymore. I bought all my own food and when I needed new clothes, I bought those too. I didn’t have many friends, because I was too busy keeping secrets. But there was one girl, Ell, who I was really close with. We’d been friends since before the divorce, and she could always tell when I was lying. So she started having me over at her house more and more, and her parents loved me. They fed me so often that I started leaving money for groceries in their kitchen. They knew it was me, but they never said anything. I guess they appreciated it.”

  
Carmilla smiled as she remembered those days––better days. “After a while, Ell and I knew everything about each other, and we spent all our time together. And then, one day when we were hanging out at her house, she kissed me.”

  
Carmilla noticed Laura’s momentarily shocked expression, but she pressed on with her story. “I didn’t really think anything of it at first––I just figured that’s what girls our age did, was just fool around, and have fun. I don’t think I ever really realized how much she cared about me, and I couldn’t let myself admit that I cared about her too. We’d been… I don’t know, we weren’t really together, but we’d been involved for a couple months when I finally ran away from home. It was shortly after high school graduation, and I had some money saved up. I couldn’t afford to go to college, but I knew I could figure out how to make things work on my own. I stayed with Ell and her family, but she went off to college, and I couldn’t keep living with her parents, so I left. I lost touch with Ell; I lost touch with her family; I lost touch with everyone. I stayed in a motel for a while, but I wasn’t making enough at my job to stay there, and so I ended up out on the streets. And shortly after that, I lost my job because it was really hard for me to have my uniform clean and ironed all the time, and I was late to a lot of shifts. And once I lost that job, things just kind of spiraled out of control. So I ended up here, several years later.”

  
“Oh, Carm,” Laura said, reaching out to hold Carmilla’s hand. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

  
“You’ve probably heard worse,” Carmilla said, laughing uneasily.

  
“Carmilla, it doesn’t matter what stories I’ve heard,” Laura insisted, squeezing Carmilla’s hand. “What happened to you is horrible. Thank you for telling me.”

  
“I guess I had to tell someone sooner or later,” Carmilla said, shrugging. “I’ve been holding onto my past for way too long.”

  
“I guess things can only get better from here,” Laura said, smiling again.

  
“That’s the plan,” Carmilla said, reaching over to her nightstand to grab the stack of papers Ms. Brown had given her. “Ms. Brown said that once I think I’m ready, they’re going to help me find an apartment and a job in the area. I’m going to get to have my own life.”

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

When Laura got home that evening after visiting Carmilla, Danny was in the living room waiting for her. She was wearing coral pants, a nice white shirt, and a blue blazer. As soon as Laura saw her dressed up like that, she felt a moment of panic mixed with disappointment––they’d had dinner plans, and she’d lost track of time looking over apartments and jobs with Carmilla.

  
“Where have you been?” Danny asked, her hands on her hips.

  
“I was at the shelter,” Laura said. “Danny, I’m so sorry, I just lost track of time, I forgot that we had dinner tonight, I’m sorry.”

  
“Which shelter?” Danny asked, her voice soft.

  
“What?”

  
“Which shelter?” Danny repeated. “Were you at your shelter, or were you off at the recovery shelter, visiting Carmilla again?”

  
“I was with Carmilla,” Laura answered, feeling guilty, but angry with Danny for making her feel so guilty about it. “She called me and told me not to come, and I could tell that she was in a bad spot, so I went to the shelter to check on her. She’s actually starting to open up and really make some good--”

  
“Stop it Laura,” Danny snapped. “I don’t care that you visit her every week, I know you’re just trying to do your job, but this has gone too far! You’re forgetting about me, you’re forgetting about our friends! We were supposed to have dinner with Laf and Perry tonight, or did you forget about that? Maybe you’d remember us better if we all had drug addictions and abusive families too.”

  
“That’s not fair,” Laura snapped, his hands clenching as she tried to keep her voice steady. “You know I love you, and you know that I’m not doing this to hurt you or Laf or Perry. Carmilla needed help, so I helped her. And then the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that she’s just doing the best she can to get better. She’s my friend, Danny.”

  
“Well that’s great, Laura, I’m glad you found yourself a friend,” Danny spat. “But if you’re going to keep choosing her over the rest of your friends and family, I can’t stick around for that!”

  
“I’m not choosing her over any of you,” Laura said, her voice shaking as she started to cry. “But if you’re going to tell me that I have to choose between helping the people I care about and being with you, then I don’t know why you’re still here.”

  
Laura was shaking. She hoped she sounded braver than she felt, because she was shaking, and she was terrified. She couldn’t lose Danny.

  
“That’s––Laur, that’s not––” Danny stammered, aghast. “Laur, that’s not what I want. I just want you to remember that Carmilla’s not the only person in your life that matters.”

  
With that, Danny grabbed her backpack from the couch, walked past Laura, and out the door. Laura visibly sagged once Danny was out the door. She felt deflated by the argument and completely drained by the day overall. She didn’t know how to deal with this. She couldn’t leave any of her women at the shelter, and she couldn’t abandon Carmilla either, but she couldn’t lose Danny.

  
“I don’t know what to do,” Laura said aloud, walking to her room and lying down on the bed. She grabbed a pillow, curled up around it, and just let herself cry. She always felt like she had to have everything together and be strong for everyone that relied on her, but every once in a while, she just had to let herself fall apart, even if only for a little bit.


	5. One Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla makes significant progress in her recovery, and she and Laura celebrate, despite Danny's displeasure. LaFontaine and Perry (finally) make an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: brief mentions of abusive situations and drug use
> 
> Well, I'd been missing Laf and Perry, so I felt like it was finally time to introduce them! Along with the lovely JP, in non-flash drive form.

Laura had already fallen asleep by the time Danny came back. Danny had needed to cool off, so she’d gone to the library at her university to work on her midterm for a little while longer. She got back to the apartment ready to apologize, but instead she’d found Laura curled up on her side of the bed, her makeup smeared from crying herself to sleep. As Danny looked down at her girlfriend, she felt so lucky to have her. She was so lucky to be with someone where their biggest problems were caused because her girlfriend was too caring.

“I love you, Laur,” Danny said, leaning down to kiss the top of Laura’s head. She changed into her pajamas, climbed into bed next to Laura, and curled up against her, her arm draped over Laura’s waist.

 

The next morning when Laura’s alarm went off, she smiled at the feeling of her girlfriend against her back, Danny’s arm around her stomach. They’d never had a fight like the one they’d just had the night before, and Laura had been worried about how long Danny would stay mad at her. The one thing she did know was that she had to do a better job of balancing her work, her time with Carmilla, and her time with friends and family. Laura eased out from Danny’s grip and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

By the time she got out of the shower, Laura had resolved to do a better job of allocating her time with Carmilla. She couldn’t shirk her responsibilities at work, and she wasn’t going to cut back on her time with Danny or her friends, so she had to a better job of making sure that her time with Carmilla wasn’t cutting into her time at home. She’d keep visiting Carmilla on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but the evenings and weekends would always be for Danny.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After four weeks at the recovery shelter, Ms. Brown finally agreed to help Carmilla find a job and an apartment in the area––on the condition that Carmilla would remain in the shelter for at least two more weeks. Carmilla agreed eagerly––two weeks wasn’t long at all, not when Carmilla was looking forward to building a life.

  
“Okay, so I think the bookstore would be my first choice,” Carmilla said as she and Ms. Brown looked over the list of potential employers Ms. Brown had put together for her. There were many choices: the bookstore, a grocer, a florist, and a hardware store, for starters. Carmilla was willing to take almost any job, but she knew that the bookshop would be the best spot for her. She’d be happiest there.

  
“Excellent choice, Ms. Karnstein,” Ms. Brown said, shuffling the papers so that the paper with the bookstore’s information was on top of the pile. “I’ll give them a call and see if I can set up a meeting with you and the owner. I think you would be a good fit for the job, though.”

“Thanks, Ms. Brown,” Carmilla said smiling. She got up from the desk, where she’d been spending more time lately. Most of the residents at the recovery shelter relied on their counselors for things like help with job searches and apartment hunts, but Carmilla felt more comfortable with Ms. Brown than with Will, and Ms. Brown was more than happy to help her.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m sure,” Ms. Brown said, waving as Carmilla headed back through the doors into the heart of the shelter.

  
Carmilla had plenty of time to kill, so she headed back to her room to keep reading. She was halfway through the Harry Potter series. She’d read it while she was still in high school, and it seemed to be a pretty reliable staple at every library she visited. Carmilla had been wary of the series at first, but once she’d finally read it, she loved it. The characters were relatable, and there were so many layers of symbolism, that Carmilla could even find philosophy angles that made it even more fun for her to read. Carmilla curled up with her book, excited about the way her life was moving.

 

The next day, Carmilla got up earlier than usual so that she could go talk to Ms. Brown again. She didn’t know what hours the woman worked, but she always seemed to be sitting at the front desk, waiting to answer questions or let approved visitors into the center.  
“Good morning, Miss Karnstein,” Ms. Brown said, sipping from her coffee as Carmilla came into the lobby.

  
“Morning, Ms. Brown,” Carmilla replied, her heart fluttering. She hoped that Ms. Brown had good news for her. “How’s our job search going?”

  
“I’ve excellent news for you on that,. I spoke with Mr. Armitage, the owner, last night, and he said he would like to speak with you. He said he could come in today during lunch, if that works for you.”

  
“Of course!” Carmilla said, excited. It had been a long time since she’d had a job, and the thought of getting a job in a bookshop was more than she’d dared to hope for.

  
“That’s what I figured you would say,” Ms. Brown said. “He’ll be here at 12:30, so you can eat lunch before he gets here. And you can still participate in group, of course.”

  
“Thanks, I’m looking forward to it!” Carmilla turned to leave. She was practically ready to start skipping back to her room when Ms. Brown called her back.

  
“I’ve seen those things you call clothes, Miss Karnstein. If you would like to make a good first impression, you may want to dry something new.” Ms. Brown reached under the desk and passed a thin cardboard box to Carmilla.

  
Carmilla looked from the box to Ms. Brown before opening it, sliding her fingers under the edge of the box to slide the lid off. Carefully folded inside the box were a pair of sleek black skinny jeans and a purple v-neck with loose, elbow-length sleeves.

  
“Oh my… Ms. Brown, you shouldn’t have,” Carmilla said softly, running her fingers over the shirt. It was an incredibly soft, cottony material.

  
“You’ve got to make a good impression if you want the job,” Ms. Brown said, smiling warmly. “I hope it fits––I had to guess your size. Why don’t you go try it on?”

  
Carmilla nodded, closed the box back up, and headed to her room to change into the new clothes, trying to wrap her mind around the gift. She loved it, but she had no idea what she'd done to deserve such a nice gift. Carmilla had just showered the night before, and her hair looked decent enough, in its dark, loose curls. With the new clothes from Ms. Brown, Carmilla knew that she’d look better than she had in years. She headed back to her room, pulled the door shut, and changed, trading her old, ripped up skinny jeans for the sleek, black pair, and her nearly threadbare t-shirt for the new purple shirt. She looked down at herself, running her hands over the new clothes. There was no mirror in her room, so she headed to the bathroom to see how she would look in the mirror.

  
Once in the bathroom, Carmilla rushed to the floor length mirror on the back of the door to examine her new appearance. She really did look great––her skin was no longer quite as pale as it had been, and the dark circles around her eyes were almost entirely gone. She actually looked like someone in her early twenties, rather than someone nearly thirty. With the new clothes, Carmilla even looked like someone who had their life together. If Carmilla didn’t know better, she might have thought that she was just like any other person in society.

  
Carmilla tucked her hair behind her ear and looked herself over from head to foot. She was still wearing her worn old combat boots, but they were still black leather, and their worn look just gave them character. The jeans were snug, and made her legs look thin but still shapely. The dark purple shirt had a v-neck cut that was perfectly snug around her chest, and looser around her stomach, before fitting tight around her waist, where the shirt ended in an elastic band.

  
“Damn, Carmilla, looking good,” the girl named Elsie said, coming into the bathroom. “Big day?”

  
“I’m meeting with a guy today who might be able to offer me a job at his bookshop,” Carmilla answered. “So yeah, I guess you could say it’s a big day.”

  
“Hey, good luck. It’s always nice to see people start to succeed.”

  
“Thanks, Elsie,” Carmilla said, smiling. It felt nice to hear people use words like ‘succeed’ when they were talking about her… it certainly wasn’t something she’d never expected.

 

Carmilla felt her nerves getting worse and worse the closer she got to lunch. She needed to make a good impression so that she could start making really, tangible steps forward in her life. If she had a job, she could start saving money until she could afford her own apartment, and could afford to start buying herself her own belongings.

  
Finally, as Carmilla’s heart rate was nearly through the roof, it came time for her meeting with the bookshop owner. Her hands were shaking as she headed into the lounge, where Ms. Brown was sitting with a middle-aged man, talking animatedly. Carmilla eyed him from the hallway, trying to size him up before she went in to meet with him. He looked to be in his fifties, with salt and pepper hair and a well-groomed beard. He wore a sweater vest over a royal blue-button down, and he rested his hands atop his knees. Carmilla took a deep breath before heading into the room.

  
“Miss Karnstein!” Ms. Brown said, waving Carmilla over. “John, this is the young woman I was telling you about.”

  
“Carmilla,” the man said, standing and holding out a hand to shake Carmilla’s. “I’ve heard quite a bit about you from Ms. Brown here. I’m excited to meet you. My name is John Armitage, but everyone calls me JP… except for Ms. Brown of course.”

  
“It’s nice to meet you,” Carmilla said, shaking his hand awkwardly before taking a seat at the table.

  
“Well, I am interested in hearing why you chose my bookshop over the other opportunities that were available?” JP asked, leaning back in his chair.

  
“I, uh, I’ve always loved reading,” Carmilla said, speaking slower than usual as she tried to choose her words more carefully. “I don’t know a lot about a lot of things, but I do know books fairly well, and your bookshop just seemed like the best fit for me.”

  
“Carmilla here has read her way through half our collection,” Ms. Brown noted proudly.

  
“Is that right?” JP asked, sounding impressed. “Well, you do understand that this job would not be a reading job, correct?”

  
“Oh, yeah,” Carmilla answered hastily. “I mean, I figured. I don’t know what exactly to expect, but Ms. Brown said that it might include things like stocking the shelves and running a register. I think I can manage that.”

  
“Alright, well, I guess we can get into more of the interview then,” JP said, leaning down to take a sheet of paper out of a bag that Carmilla hadn’t yet noticed.

  
“I’ll be out at the front desk if you need anything. Good luck, Miss Karnstein,” Ms. Brown patted Carmilla on the shoulder as she left, and Carmilla suddenly felt more anxious again. She’d been relieved when Ms. Brown had been there in the first place, she didn’t want her to leave so soon. She was eager to get the interview over with as quickly as possible.

  
*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura hadn’t visited Carmilla for a few days; they’d both been too busy to make time in their schedules. Carmilla had been working with Ms. Brown in almost all her free time to prepare for her interview, and Laura had ended up with a mother and four kids trying to escape their abuser. It was the most upsetting case Laura had ever worked, and she’d been devoting huge chunks of her time to counseling the children, helping the mother fill out legal paperwork, and helping the mother search for a new home.

  
So when Laura’s phone rang as she was on her way home, and she recognized the recovery shelter’s number, she answered immediately, afraid that something might be wrong. “Carm? Everything okay?”

  
“Uh… yeah… everything’s great,” Carmilla said. Laura couldn’t tell if she was surprised, in shock, or in some kind of trouble.

  
“Yeah?” Laura asked, trying to coax a better answer out of Carmilla. “How so? Did something happen?”

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla said. “So, you remember that job I was hoping to get? The one that Ms. Brown set up an interview for?”

  
“Yes…”

  
“I got the job,” Carmilla said softly. So it was a mixture of surprise and shock that Laura had heard in her voice.

  
“Carm, that’s amazing!” Laura said, grinning broadly. She’d reached her apartment, and she held her phone between her cheek and shoulder as she fumbled for her keys. “That’s at the bookshop, right? You’re going to be so great there, I’m so excited for you!”

  
“Thank you,” Carmilla said, still sounding like she couldn’t believe that she’d really gotten the job.

  
“Hey, I’ve got an idea,” Laura said, getting into her apartment and locking the door behind her. Danny was sitting on the couch, and Laura waved at her as she crossed the apartment. “You’ll have to talk to Ms. Brown to see if it’s okay, but I’d love to take you out for dinner to celebrate. It’s not every day you get your first job, after all!”

  
Laura could hear Carmilla hesitate before answering. “Um, yeah, that’d be nice.”

  
“Great! Talk to Ms. Brown and let me know, but I think I should be free sometime later this week. I might drop by tomorrow afternoon––it just depends on whether my family needs me or not.” The more invested in a shelter resident she got, the more like she was to refer to her residents as her ‘family’ or her ‘girl.’ It was just a habit that she’d never quite been able to drop.

  
“Alright, well I’ll see you,” Carmilla said.

  
“Have a good night, Carmilla!”

  
“Hey, babe,” Danny said, coming up behind Laura to hug her as Laura hung up her phone. “You ready for dinner?”

  
“Yeah, just let me change quick. I’ve been at work all day, I just want to change into something a little bit more comfortable.” Laura headed into her room to change into jeans and a button-down to wear to Laf and Perry’s for dinner. Laf had been one of Laura’s best friends in high school, and they’d remained close through college, but as they entered their professional lives, they’d started drifting apart. They’d only recently decided to do weekly dinners with Laura, Danny, Laf, and Perry.

  
“Ready?” Danny asked when Laura came out of the bedroom.

  
“Yeah, let’s go!” Laura said, pulling a light jacket on over her sweater. “Um, so I think I’ll be taking Carmilla out to dinner later this week, just so you know.”

 

“Yeah, I heard you on the phone,” Danny said stiffly.

  
“What is your problem with her, Danny?” Laura demanded, glaring at her girlfriend as they headed out of their apartment building. She’d been about to hold Danny’s hand, but now she stuffed her own hands deeper into her pockets.

  
“I just don’t understand why you have to spend all your time with her, Laur,” Danny snapped. “You know, you had a life before you met that girl. I love the work that you do, and you know that I’ll support you no matter what, I just don’t want to see you get hurt!”

  
“And you think Carm’s going to hurt me?” Laura was incredulous.

  
“She’s a drug addict!” Danny protested. “Of course she’s going to do something that hurts you at some point! You’re so determined to believe the best of people, and you get so invested in the people that you’re helping. It’s only a matter of time before she hurts you.”

  
“Wow,” Laura said, taken aback. “I didn’t realize you thought I was so incapable of making judgments for myself.”

  
“That’s not what I meant,” Danny groaned.

  
“Carmilla’s doing really, really well, and I like her––I like helping her, and I like seeing the progress that she’s making. So if she ends up disappointing me, yes, it’ll probably hurt, but that’s my decision. And you have no right to tell me what to do or who I can be friends with!”

  
“I care about you,” Danny muttered defensively.

  
“Listen, let’s just not do this right now, okay?” Laura snapped. “Let’s just go to Laf and Perr’s and we can have a nice dinner. They don’t need to know that anything’s wrong.”

  
The rest of the walk to their friend’s flat was painfully quiet. No matter how hard she tried to calm herself down, Laura still felt a rush of anger every time she looked over at her girlfriend. She used to love the way her ridiculously tall girlfriend always wanted to defend her, but lately it had just gone too far. When they got to their friends’ apartment, both Laura and Danny did their best to pretend like nothing was bothering them, but there was still an iciness that lingered between them.

  
“Hey, Laf,” Laura said when they opened the door. She hugged her friend and stepped past them to hug their girlfriend too. “Hey, Perr. Thanks for having us over again. We’d invite you over for dinner to our place one of these weeks, but…”

  
“It’s alright, Laura,” Laf said cheerfully. “We all know you can’t cook. And Perr here is a whiz in the kitchen.” Perry beamed at them. Cooking was one of her favorite things to do, and she loved when her partner praised her for it.

  
“So,” Perry said, standing at the head of the table as everyone took their seats around the table. “Tonight I made us all eggplant parmesan, with some roasted brussel sprouts and mediterranean couscous. LaFontaine picked out a wine to go with it, and the brownies are in the oven right now.”

  
“It smells amazing, Perr,” Laura said, draping a napkin over her lap.

  
“So, how have things been going for you guys?” Laf asked, helping themselves to brussel sprouts. “Thesis still going well? Still helping women and kids get away from scumbags?”

  
Laura looked at Danny, waiting for her to answer first. “Uh, yeah, things are great,” Danny said, glancing at Laura for a moment before turning to look at LaFontaine and Perry. “I haven’t started working on my thesis yet, but I’m working on a midterm at the moment that’s taking plenty of time. But so far it seems to be going well.”

  
“And the shelter’s still great,” Laura said. “I mean, I’d rather we were out of business, but I unfortunately don’t see that happening very soon, so I’m happy with the work we’ve been doing so far.” Laura was about to ask how things were with LaFontaine and Perry, but instead decided to press her luck. “And I’ve been working with this girl over at the recovery shelter too. Her name’s Carmilla, I met her on the streets a few weeks back. She’s gone through a lot, but she seems to be doing really well. So yeah, I mean everything is really great right now.”

  
“That’s… great, Laura,” LaFontaine said, though they were squinting slightly, looking from Danny to Laura. “Really great. Well, everything’s going really well for Perr and I. I’ve been getting some really good work done at the lab lately, and if I get the grant that I applied for, I should be able to make some really good strides. We’re so close to discovering something really cool!”

  
“LaFontaine’s leaving out all the scientific speak,” Perry said, looking fondly over at them. “Which, to be fair, I don’t quite understand either, no matter how often you explain it to me, dear, sorry. But they’re getting really close to creating a more efficient method of running blood tests. Less blood, more accurate results, right?”

  
“Exactly!” LaFontaine said excitedly, their eyes lighting up. “So basically what my partners and I have been able to do is streamline the process by––nevermind. You guys can read the article when it’s published.”

  
“Any big news for you, Perr?” Laura asked.

  
Perry’s eyes were glowing as she looked at LaFontaine and back at Laura. “Well, the good news is that I’ve been promoted! I’ve moved up to teaching fourth grade, which is just perfect, because they’re still kids, but they’re finally getting a lot less messy, so I won’t have to deal with quite as many little messes as I did with the first graders. I’m really looking forward to it!”

  
“That’s amazing, Perry!” Laura and Danny said at the same time, both beaming at their friend. Perry had been teaching kindergarten for years, and although she loved the kids, she hated cleaning up so many messes day after day. Fourth grade would definitely be a better fit for her.

  
“The best part is that I’ll get to have some of my kids again––a lot of them, actually, since I’ll probably get three years of some of my kids. I can’t wait to get to see how some of them have changed as they’ve started to grow up.”

  
“Perry’s a great teacher,” LaFontaine said, staring at their girlfriend, their eyes sparkling. “The kids are lucky to have her once, let alone twice.”

  
“Thanks, dear,” Perry said, resting her hand on top of LaFontaine’s.

 

After dinner, when Laura and Danny were getting ready to head back to their apartment, LaFontaine pulled Laura into their bedroom, away from Danny.

  
“Is everything okay with you and Danny?” they asked, brow furrowed.

  
Laura sighed heavily. “I don’t know, Laf. Ever since I started helping Carmilla, that girl I mentioned earlier, Danny’s been acting weird. At first she was saying that I couldn’t see Carmilla anymore, and then she just started getting weird about it. She’s acting all possessive and jealous, and I’ve never seen her like this, and I can stand it!” Laura shuddered. It was the first time since she and Danny had started fighting that she’d talked to anyone what was going on, and all of a sudden there were tears in her eyes and her voice quivered as she continued. “She even said that if I kept ‘choosing Carmilla over family and friends’ that she couldn’t stick around for that. I’m afraid that she’s going to leave me, but honestly, right now, I don’t even know how I feel. I love her, but she’s not the same person that I fell in love with.”

  
LaFontaine hugged Laura, letting her cry into their shoulder. “Listen, Laur, I can’t tell you what’s right for you. All I can tell you is that people change over time, and you have to decide if you, as the person you are now, still love Danny as the person she is now. And you have to decide if you’re going to fight for her, because relationships aren’t always easy.”

  
“You and Perry just always seem so perfect together,” Laura choked, running her fingers through her hair and taking deep breaths as she tried to compose herself.

  
“There’s no such thing as a perfect couple, Laur. But Perry’s my other half, so even when we have our differences we figure out how to make things work, because I know my life wouldn’t be half as good without her in it. That’s what you have to decide with you and Danny. You have to decide whether she’s making your life better. Because, ultimately, that’s what your partner should do. The day should be better because they’re a part of it.”

  
“Damn, Laf,” Laura said, her eyes still watery. “Who knew you were such a poet?”

  
“What can I say, I guess Perry’s really has changed me,” LaFontaine replied, laughing. “Now come on, you look like I just killed your puppy.”

 

Laura and Danny didn’t talk at all on the walk home, and when they got back to their apartment, they each got ready for bed in silence. It wasn’t until Laura headed towards the guest room that Danny finally said something.

  
“Laura, where are you going?”

  
“I need some time to think, Danny,” Laura said, her hand resting on the door handle as she paused in the doorway to the guest room. “I need to be alone tonight.”

  
Danny didn’t respond; she just clenched her jaw, marched into their bedroom, and slammed the door shut behind her. Laura sighed, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against the guest room door for a moment.

  
As she laid in the bed, staring at the ceiling as she tried to fall asleep, LaFontaine’s words kept echoing through her head. ‘The day should be better because they’re a part of it.’ That was the second time in a little more than a week that she’d cried herself to sleep, and both times it had been because of a fight with Danny.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Ms. Brown clearly had a soft spot for both Laura and Carmilla, so she immediately agreed that it would be great for Carmilla to go out to dinner with Laura to celebrate her new job. So Carmilla found herself, on a Thursday night, changing into the outfit Ms. Brown had bought her for the interview. She even borrowed eyeliner from Elsie so that she could put on a little bit of makeup. Laura always looked so amazing, and Carmilla didn’t want to be the odd one out––not when they were going out to dinner.

  
Carmilla was sitting in her bed reading–– _The Silver Linings Playbook_ by Matthew Quick––when there was a knock at the door. She shut her book so fast that she wasn’t sure if she’d even bookmarked her spot. Carmilla smoothed the front of her shirt and crossed the room, her heart beating a little faster as she opened the door. That had been happening around Laura more and more frequently––every time she came to visit, Carmilla felt her heart beat a little bit faster. But as soon as she and Laura were together, she felt completely calm.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, beaming. She looked good, as always, Carmilla thought. Although she noticed that Laura’s eyes were a little red, like she’d been crying, or hadn’t been sleeping as much lately. “Congratulations! I’m so excited for you!”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, blushing slightly. She still wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of praise, and she never quite knew how to respond. “I’m really excited to get started. JP seems great, and I think the bookstore will be a really great fit.”

  
“I’m sure it will be. Plus, you’ll be able to find some new books. Haven’t you read everything in here at least twice by now?”

  
“Not quite,” Carmilla said, laughing.

  
“Well, grab your jacket, and we’ll head out. There’s this little pizza place around the corner––all organic, and they make all the pizzas in these brick ovens. I promise, they make the best pizzas you’ll ever have, if you’re interested.”

  
“Sounds good to me,” Carmilla said, pulling her jacket on and following Laura out down the hallway. She still had the roll of cash she’d made the day Laura had convinced her to seek shelter. The day that had changed her life. She tried not to think about what she’d done to earn that money.

  
“By the way, you look amazing. New clothes?”

  
“A gift from Ms. Brown,” Carmilla answered, opening the door to the lobby and standing aside so that Laura could go through first.

  
“You have excellent taste, Ms. Brown,” Laura said, nodding to Carmilla’s outfit as they passed the woman, who was stationed at her desk, as per usual.

  
“Thank you, my dear,” Ms Brown replied, sounding pleased. “You two have a good night, you hear? And Laura––keep my girl out of trouble, won’t you?”

  
“Anything for you, Ms. Brown!” Laura said, waving cheerfully as she and Laura headed out of the building.

  
Once they were out of the building, Carmilla didn’t know what to say. Despite all the time they’d spent together, the shelter felt like it’s own world, and now that they’d left it, Carmilla felt like she was in uncharted territory. Thankfully, Laura spoke before Carmilla had to come up with something.

  
“This is your first time really coming out of the shelter since you checked in what, almost a month ago now?”

  
“Yeah, I guess so,” Carmilla answered. She hadn’t really noticed, but it really had been almost a month since she’d checked in. “That’s weird, I never even thought of it, but I went from literally living outside to not even venturing outside much at all. I guess I just enjoyed being in a heated room so much I was afraid if I left I’d never get it back.”

  
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Laura assured her. “Two things you can be sure of: you’ll always have a heated shelter––and hopefully air-conditioned too, once we get to summer––and you’ll always have a steady supply of books to read. Found any books at the shelter that you liked?”

  
“Well, some of them I’ve already read. But there was a Nietzsche book that I’ve never read before, and I really enjoyed that.”

  
“You’ll do well in philosophy courses,” Laura teased. “Have you read the Hunger Games series yet?”

  
“Yeah, those were good! I enjoyed the whole dystopian future, but the ending of Mockingjay was a little rough. I mean it was realistic, that part was good, but man, that was just a tough read.”

  
“That’s got to be one of my favorite series ever,” Laura admitted. “I mean, where else are you going to find a heroine as kick-ass as Katniss? I love stories like that. Who needs damsel-in-distress tropes when you can have a girl who can fend for herself instead. I just loved that they completely flipped the usual tale of the knight in shining armor rescuing the helpless girl. I mean it was Katniss who saved Peeta in the Hunger Games!”

  
Carmilla smiled as she listened to Laura rant about her love of strong, well-developed female characters. She’d learned that when Laura was truly passionate about something, she could talk about it for an eternity and never grow tired of it. And although Carmilla never seemed to tire of listening to Laura talk, she guessed that it wouldn’t have mattered much to Laura anyway; she’d keep talking, regardless of whether the person she was talking to was still interested or not.

  
“You know,” Carmilla noted, once Laura had finished her praise of Katniss Everdeen, “if you want good stories with great female characters, you should check out some of Tamora Pierce’s books. They’re all kind of medieval fantasy, with knights and kingdoms and magic and all that. But my favorite character from her books, for example, is Alanna. She’s got a twin brother, and they’re practically identical, and Alanna wants to be a knight, but girls aren’t allowed to train to be knights. So she cuts her hair, disguises herself as a boy, and goes off to train. She does it in pretty impressive fashion, I might add.”

  
“Sounds interesting, I’ll have to check it out. And here we are,” Laura opened the door for Carmilla this time, letting her lead the way into the cozy restaurant.

  
Carmilla looked around as they entered––she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been in a restaurant nicer than McDonald’s, and this was certainly a change in pace from what she was used to. Carmilla watched, shifting her weight nervously as Laura walked up to the hostess and asked for a table for two. Carmilla didn’t know why she felt so nervous. She couldn’t decide if it was because she was with Laura, for something that felt a lot more formal than just hanging out at the shelter, or if it was because she felt so out of place that she was half-expecting someone to announce that she didn’t belong there.

  
It only took a minute to get seated, and Carmilla took her jacket off before they got to their table––a small booth against the windows. Carmilla tossed her jacket on one of the seats and slid into the side of the booth opposite Laura. She was still fidgeting anxiously, looking out the window, when Laura rested her hand on top of Carmilla’s.

  
“Calm down, you’re practically shaking the table the way you’re bouncing your legs. You’ve earned this, Carmilla. You’ve been in the recovery shelter for a month already, and you got yourself a job! A month clean and sober, and you already found yourself a decent job. I’m really proud of you.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, doing her best to brush her nerves aside. She had earned this. She hadn’t earned much in her life, but she had at least earned the right to celebrate a little more than a month without getting high.

  
When the waiter came to take their orders, both girls ordered waters to drink, and decided to split a pepper, onion, and mushroom pizza. The waiter jotted everything down, and then hurried off to put their orders in.

  
“So, what are your plans now that you’ve got a job?” Laura asked, nodding at the waiter as he set their waters down.

  
“Well, Ms. Brown and I have already looked into a few apartments. There’s one that looks pretty good––the owner is a former resident of the recovery shelter, so he offers one bedroom apartments to us for $400 a month, which is crazy cheap compared to some of the other places we’ve looked at. His only rule is that I’d have to be either working or in school, and I have to stay clean. And I still have some cash saved from the last time I––I’ve got some money,” Carmilla corrected. She’d seen the shadow cross Laura’s face when she’d started to mention her last payday. “So once I work a week or two, it should be enough to pay the first month’s rent.”

  
“Can I ask how much the bookshop pays?” Laura asked.

  
“Yeah, JP said he’ll pay me eight dollars an hour and I should be working about thirty hours a week to start. If I’m doing a decent job, JP said he’d probably offer me full time, with benefits, and I’m more than welcome at any time to drop back to part time, or even quit if I decide I want to go to school or I find a new job.”

  
“That’s great,” Laura said. Carmilla was starting to think that was her catchphrase. “If you want, I could probably help you open up a bank account too, so that you can start saving more. I do that for some of the women who come into my shelter, so that they can start keeping their own paychecks, instead of having it go to their abusers.”

  
“I’ve talked to Ms. Brown about that too,” Carmilla replied. “But first I have to get a replacement social security card and some kind of photo ID too. I always just took those things for granted growing up, and then when I was high, it just wasn’t really a priority. But Ms. Brown’s done this with plenty of other people, so she knows what she’s doing. But once I have that stuff, yeah, maybe you could help me out with the bank stuff.”

  
Just then, their pizza arrived. Carmilla was afraid her stomach might growl as she looked at it; it looked delicious. It had been baked to the perfect degree, and there was just the right amount of each topping.

  
“Dig in!” Laura said cheerfully, grabbing a slice for herself. They ate in silence for a few minutes, each enjoying their slices too much to start talking. After a few minutes, though, Carmilla noticed that Laura seemed to be distracted by something.

  
“Everything alright?” she asked mildly. “You seem concerned.”

  
“It’s nothing,” Laura said, waving her hand dismissively. She paused, and then said, “Actually, can I ask you something?”

  
“Shoot.”

  
“Have you ever been in love?”

  
Carmilla was taken aback by the question. Laura knew that she was a heroin addict with a history of selling her body to make enough money to pay for more drugs... did Laura really expect her to know anything about love? It took Carmilla a minute to think of the answer. “Well, I’m hardly the expert on love… But I think that whatever I felt for Ell, I think that was love. Or something like it, at least.”

  
“You said that you guys drifted apart after she went to college?” Laura said it like a question, and she seemed to be waiting for Carmilla to give her an answer.

  
“Yeah. I guess, at the time, I thought that we loved each other. And in a way, we definitely did. She was my best friend, and the first person I ever felt that way about. But, I don’t know, I guess I’ve always thought that when you love someone, they’re the person that you look forward to seeing above anyone else. And they’re the person that you go out of your way to make time for. And when Ell went to college, that all changed. I’d felt like I was the most important person in her life, and then, after a while, I didn’t even feel like an important person to her. So we just drifted further and further apart, until we ended up going in completely different directions. Why do you ask?”

  
“It’s nothing, really,” Laura said. She hesitated for a second, seemed to change her mind, and then said, “It’s just something Laf said about me and Danny. It’s been bothering me ever since.”

  
“What did she say?” Carmilla asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

  
“She said that your partner should make your day better because they’re a part of it. And she told me that I had to decide whether I think that Danny and I’s relationship is worth fighting for. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what I think.”

  
Carmilla wanted to know more. She loved that Laura felt comfortable enough with her to confide in her, and she wanted to be able to contribute more. But before she could come up with anything to say, Laura changed the subject, and they returned to talking about their favorite heroines. (Laura couldn't decide if she liked Hermione Granger or Peggy Carter best; Carmilla chose Mary Wollstonecraft, but Laura argued that they were supposed to stick to fictional characters).

 

After they’d finished dinner, and sat and talked for a while longer, (and Laura refused to let Carmilla chip in for dinner), Laura offered to walk with Carmilla back to the recovery shelter, and Carmilla agreed, glad to not have to do the walk on her own. She still didn’t feel entirely confident in her ability to walk through the city by herself without feeling compelled to go off in search of a hit.

  
“Thanks again for this, Laura,” Carmilla said, standing outside the door to the shelter. “It was nice to have a normal night.”

  
“Anytime,” Laura said, smiling warmly. She hugged Carmilla, wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s shoulders, and hugging her for a few seconds. Carmilla was taken aback, but she managed to awkwardly hug Laura back, her arms wrapping around Laura's waist, at least for a moment. “Tell Ms. Brown I said good night! I’ll see you later.”

  
“Good night,” Carmilla said, pressing the buzzer as she watched Laura go, her smile lingering long after Laura was out of sight.


	6. Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla adjusts to her new job and faces a difficult situation as she struggles with her newfound freedom; Laura confronts Danny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: discussion of AIDS; mentions of drug use; description of a panic attack
> 
> Note: JP's story at the very beginning about living in San Francisco during the AIDS crisis is based on the true stories I was told my a wonderful gay couple who've been together for nearly 40 years and lived in San Francisco during that time.

Carmilla’s first week of work at the bookshop passed in a whirlwind of orientation, training, and book shelving. She and JP had set up a schedule that would allow her to work thirty hours each week, without missing of her individual and group meetings: she would work eight hour shifts on Saturdays and Sundays, and then she’d come in three times a week to work four or five hour shifts until everything added up to thirty. Carmilla’s life was suddenly much busier, although she spent most of her time at the bookshop reading books in between helping customers.

 

 

The bookshop was small, but seemed to be a popular destination for people who were looking for a cozy spot to hang out, especially during lunch hours or later in the afternoon. In addition to its fairly impressive collection of books, the bookshop also had a small cafe area, where Carmilla learned to make varying teas, coffees, and iced drinks.

  
By the time JP handed Carmilla her first paycheck, she already felt like a pro. JP had even sat down to talk to her before giving her the check.

  
“Carmilla, usually I’d have you go through a few more weeks of working here before I’d even consider this, but as you’ve seen I’m on my own here. And I’ve been rather impressed with the way you’ve taken to the shop and your responsibilities here. I have already had a few customers pay you compliments. So, if you’re interested, I’d like to offer you full time hours, in a probationary manner. We’ll say you can be on probation for… a month, and if everything is still working out at that point, you’ll be off probation and considered a full employee here. How does that sound?”

  
Carmilla almost slapped herself, just to make sure that she wasn’t dreaming. Everything that had happened over the past six weeks just seemed too unreal to her, and she was constantly afraid of waking up from such a wonderful dream, only to find herself coming down from her last high, still tucked into her shelter of cardboard boxes.

  
“That would be amazing, JP,” Carmilla gushed. “Thank you so, so much! I am curious, can I ask why you’ve been so kind? Not that I’m complaining,” she added quickly.

  
JP smiled fondly before answering. “I understand the importance of second chances. My husband and I met during the advent of the gay rights movement in San Francisco. That was the place to be for gays and lesbians at the time, and so I, like my husband, and like so manner others, flocked to the area. Unfortunately, this was also the advent of the AIDS epidemic. No one knew what it really was, no one knew what was causing it or how it spread; the only thing anyone seemed to know for sure was that it seemed to only affect gay men. We were all terrified of who would get it next. The gay community became even more exiled by the straight folks, for fear of this disease. Which, of course, made it very difficult to be openly gay and lead a normal life. My husband, Ralph, and I were already together at that point, and I was so madly in love that I wasn’t willing to live in the closet for the sake of a job. So although neither Ralph nor I were positive for AIDS, we struggled quite a bit. We lost more friends than I care to count, and for years we feared that one of us would be next. I can’t pretend that living through the AIDS epidemic really compares to a drug addiction, but it taught me the importance of giving people a chance to prove themselves. And what I see when I look at you, Carmilla, is someone who is eager to do just that.”

  
Carmilla was stunned. She’d read about the AIDS epidemic, and what it had meant for the gay community, but it was completely different to hear about it from someone who had been there, had actually lived through it. “Thank you, JP,” Carmilla said, trying to convey just how much she meant it.

  
“But of course,” JP replied, nodding his head slightly. “Now, thank you for your help again today, but you should probably head back to the shelter before Ms. Brown begins to worry. I wouldn’t want to cross her.”

  
“No, I agree completely,” Carmilla said, pulling on her jacket as she stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  
“You know where to find me,” JP replied. He followed Carmilla to the door, flipping the ‘open’ sign over so that the side that said ‘closed’ now faced the street. Carmilla waved through the window as he locked the door shut behind her.

  
Carmilla headed back to the shelter, her hands in her pocket, and her head down as she walked the now-familiar route back. She was halfway there when she glanced up, and noticed the streets signs of the intersection she was at. She recognized the cross-street: it was the same street that Mark lived on. Suddenly, every nerve in Carmilla’s body seemed to be screaming for her to turn left, to keep going until she got to Mark’s, to use the money in her pocket to buy herself a bundle. She couldn’t help but imagine how good it would feel: the snap of the rubber tie around her arm, the prick of the needle against her vein, and finally, the rush of drugs through her system, making everything else seem insignificant. The only thing that would matter would be the numbing sensation, that always seemed to make everything in the world seem right.

  
Carmilla tried to fight against the pull, trying to reason with herself. She’d worked hard to get clean, and withdrawal had been painful enough once. She didn’t want to have to experience that all over again. But she stood, as though glued to the sidewalk, a war waging silently in her brain as half of her fought to go back to the recovery shelter, while the other half fought to turn left and seek shelter in a needle instead.

  
Shaking, Carmilla pulled the prepaid cell phone from her coat pocket. She’d only had it for two days, and there were only three numbers programmed in: Ms. Brown’s, JP’s, and Laura’s. JP had bought it for her, in case she were ever running late or needed to call in sick. But now, her hands shaking so badly she could barely press send, Carmilla dropped onto the sidewalk, leaning against the building behind her.

  
The phone rang three times, and Carmilla could practically hear her heart pounding as she whispered, “Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up.”

  
“Hello?” Laura answered on the fourth ring, sounding confused.

  
“Laura?” Carmilla gasped. She felt like there were an invisible hand around her ribs, crushing her, making it impossible for her to breath.

  
“Carm?” Laura asked, her voice changing from confused to scared immediately. “Carm, what’s wrong? Where are you?”

  
Carmilla managed to tell Laura the names of the streets where she was sitting before her craving to shoot up and her attempts to fight against it turned into a full-blown panic attack. She dropped the phone, and didn’t even hear Laura say, “I’m on my way. Hang in there, Carm!”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

“Hang in there, Carm!” Laura said, already pulling her shoes on and reaching for her jacket. Her heart was racing. Carmilla had sounded so scared, so vulnerable. It terrified Laura to think what could have happened.

  
“Where are you going?” Danny demanded, rising from her seat on the living room sofa.

  
“Carmilla’s in trouble,” Laura answered, her patience nearly gone. She needed to get to Carmilla now. She didn’t have time for this. “I have to go, she needs me.”

  
“No,” Danny said, standing in front of Laura. “You’re always running off to help someone these days. Carmilla’s not your responsibility. And you have no idea where she is or what she’s gotten herself into! You could be headed straight for serious trouble.”

  
“Danny, get out of the way,” Laura snapped. “Carmilla needs my help, and I’m going to be there for her. Besides, I can take care of myself.”

  
“I won’t let you,” Danny said, crossing her arms.

  
“Won’t let me?” Laura demanded, her voice rising dangerously high. “As if I need your permission before I go help my friend?”

  
“Of course you don’t need permission,” Danny snapped impatiently. “But it’s my job to protect you, and if you just keep going out there like some knight in shining arm trying to save everyone, then I can’t do my job!”

  
Laura’s voice changed, her mood changing from impatient to icy in a flash. “Your job? It’s not your job to protect me. Like I said, I can do that fine myself. But I can’t do this with you anymore, not tonight. Don’t wait up.”

  
With that, Laura walked past her stunned girlfriend, and stormed out of the apartment. She hurried across town as fast as she could, practically sprinting through town. She kept a tight grip on her phone the whole time, just in case Carmilla called again. It took her nearly twenty minutes to get there, and by the time she got to the intersection Carmilla had named, her heart was racing. She scanned the intersection, trying to find Carmilla. It was later in the day, and the sun had almost set, so everything was darker, and it took a minute for Laura to spot the small figure, huddled against the side of the office building on the corner opposite her.

  
“Carmilla!” Laura shouted, sprinting across the street and dropping to her knees next to Carmilla. “Hey, hey, I’m here, everything’s going to be okay. You’re going to be alright, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Laura recognized all the signs of a panic attack––Carmilla was hyperventilating, her hands were shaking, and her eyes were darting in every direction, as if she were trying to scout the best escape route. So Laura sat with her, leaning against the building as well. She put her arm around Carmilla’s shoulders, and pulled Carmilla close against her. As she held her, Laura felt herself calm down. She’d been so afraid of what she’d find when she got to the intersection… although she’d been most afraid of simply not finding Carmilla at all.

  
“Everything’s going to be okay,” Laura said again, as Carmilla’s head dropped onto her shoulder. “I’ve got you.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

It took nearly half an hour for Laura to calm Carmilla down, and even then, Carmilla still felt shaky and scared. She stayed where she was, her head on Laura’s shoulder, as she listened to Laura’s mantra. She felt more and more calm each time Laura repeated it.

  
“It’s okay, I’m here. Everything’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.”

  
Finally, Carmilla calmed down enough to sit back up. Laura pulled her hand from around Carmilla’s shoulders, and studied Carmilla for a moment before she spoke. “So, do you want to tell me what happened?” Her voice was gentle, and Carmilla knew that if she didn’t want to explain what had just happened to Laura, she didn’t have to. But she felt like she had to get it off her chest––especially since Laura had just run several blocks to come find her.

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla choked, wiping her eyes, even though there were no tears. “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

  
“I’m glad you did, Carmilla,” Laura said. “I just want to know what happened. You really scared me when I heard your voice––you sounded like you were hurt, or in trouble. I’m glad you’re okay, but I would like to know what happened, if you’re willing to talk.”

  
Carmilla stared at her hands as she picked at her fingernails. “My dealer lives fifteen minutes that way,” she said finally, pointing down the street that would have led her to another hit. “I hadn’t realized it before today, and then I got here, and I realized how easy it would be for me to just turn left, head to Mark’s and shoot up instead of going back to the shelter.” Carmilla couldn’t stand the concerned look on Laura's face, so she went back to staring at her hands. “I wanted, so badly, to just go to his house and get high. There’s nothing like the feeling of heroin, and it felt like every part of me was craving it. But I’ve made so much progress that I couldn’t just throw that away.”

  
“But you didn’t,” Laura said, glancing over at Carmilla. “Right?”

  
“No,” Carmilla insisted. “No, I didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t move, I felt trapped. That’s why I called you. It was like I was completely conflicted. I couldn’t make myself go back to the recovery shelter, but I also couldn’t bring myself to go to Mark’s. I couldn’t do anything; I just felt so weak!”

  
“You’re not weak, Carmilla!” Laura interjected. “You’ve been clean for barely more than a month, but you were able to call for help instead of getting high! Do you have any idea how much strength that takes? It’s amazing, Carm, it really is. There’s not many people who’d be able to do something like that. I’m proud of you, okay?”

  
Carmilla nodded, afraid that she might start crying if she spoke.

  
“Come on, let’s get you back to the shelter before Ms. Brown comes out looking for you.” Laura stood up and held her hand out to Carmilla, pulling her to her feet when Carmilla took her hand.

  
Carmilla shuffled down the sidewalk alongside Laura, her arms crossed, her thoughts completely consumed by her desire to get high and her drive to stay clean. Recovery had been so easy after withdrawal, Carmilla hadn’t been prepared to deal with such intense cravings. It was just too much for her to handle. Carmilla had no idea what she would have done if Laura hadn’t answered the phone; if she hadn’t come to Carmilla’s side so quickly.

  
“Thank you,” Carmilla said, after nearly five minutes of walking next to Laura in silence. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come.”

  
“Of course,” Laura said, smiling at Carmilla. “Please, I want you to feel like you can call me whenever you need anything. I’m your friend, that’s what I’m here for. Well, that and for discussions of kickass female heroes, of course.”

  
Carmilla couldn’t help but chuckle, her face finally cracking into a smile. “Well, thanks anyway. I really appreciate it.”

  
“Any time,” Laura answered.

  
Carmilla eased up slightly, uncrossing her arms and tucking her hands into her pockets. They walked for another block before Carmilla felt Laura slide her hand under Carmilla’s arm, her hand coming to rest on Carmilla’s arm, just above her elbow. Carmilla stiffened for a moment, taken aback by the contact. She hadn’t had someone act that comfortable with her since she’d been with Ell, and she certainly wasn’t used to it. But after a moment, Carmilla relaxed. It felt nice to have a friend again.

 

 

When they got back to the recovery shelter, Laura pulled her hand from Carmilla’s arm and pressed the buzzer.  
“How can I help you?” Ms. Brown’s voice crackled through the speaker.

  
“Ms. Brown, it’s Carmilla.”

  
“Carmilla,” Ms. Brown said, although she didn’t buzz her in right away. “I thought you finished work well over an hour ago.”

  
“I’m afraid that’s my fault,” Laura said. The door clicked open a moment later, and Carmilla led the way back into the recovery shelter.

  
“Carmilla, welcome back,” Ms. Brown said. “Laura, it’s wonderful to see you, as usual. So, where did you run into each other?”

  
Laura started to speak, but Carmilla cut across her. She guessed that Laura had been about to come up with some story, in an attempt to protect Carmilla, but Ms. Brown had done so much for her that Carmilla couldn’t lie to her. “I was on my way home from work and I realized that I wasn’t far from my old dealer’s house. I was hit with cravings so bad that I couldn’t move. Half of me wanted to go get high, half of me wanted to come back here. I couldn’t get myself to move in either direction, and then I started having a panic attack, and I didn’t know what to do. I just felt so vulnerable, and weak. So I called Laura for help, and then I just sat against the side of a building and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Laura helped me calm down, and then we came back here. I’m sorry,” Carmilla added, shrugging her shoulders.

  
“You don’t need to apologize to me, Carmilla,” Ms. Brown said, her demeanor softening significantly. “You did exactly what you should have done. You’re doing very, very well, Miss Karnstein. In fact, I think that this incident proves that you are ready to get your own apartment.”

  
“Thank you. That means a lot, coming from you,” Carmilla replied.

  
“It was good seeing you again, Carm,” Laura said, patting Carmilla’s arm. “I’ll see you again soon. Have a good night!”  
“Yeah, you too,” Carmilla said, waving as Laura headed back out the front door.

  
Once Laura was out the door, Ms. Brown turned to Carmilla. “I’m glad you have a friend like Laura, Miss Karnstein,” she said, although she sounded mischievous, like she knew something that she wasn’t telling Carmilla.

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla replied, “me too.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After leaving the recovery shelter, Laura pulled her phone from her pocket and called LaFontaine. They answered almost immediately, and Laura breathed a sigh of relief.

  
“Hey, Laf. Listen, I’m sorry to call up out of the blue like this, but I was wondering if I could stay with you and Perry tonight?”

  
“Yeah, of course,” LaFontaine said immediately. “Are you okay?”

  
“I think Danny and I are breaking up,” Laura admitted, tucking her hair behind her ear as she spoke. “Can I just come over and we can talk about it then?”

  
“Yeah, ‘course. Perry wants to know if you want cookies––nevermind, she actually just said that she’d going to make cookies whether you want them or not. I guess she just feels like baking. I’ll see you in a bit, Laur.”

  
“Thanks,” Laura said, hanging up the phone and shoving it back in her pocket. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so many conflicting emotions in her life. She was upset over her fight with Danny, and she felt empty. She knew that she was going to lose Danny. For a few weeks, Laura had assumed that she and Danny would be able to sort things out, and get back to the way things had been, but after their argument that night, something had changed, and Laura just knew that they weren’t going to be together much longer.

  
But at the same time, Laura felt as though there were a warm glow in her heart after getting Carmilla’s call. One of her favorite things about being a counselor was getting to know someone, and watching them start to make changes in their life. Even after a year of working in the women’s shelter, Laura had never gotten to be as involved in someone’s growth as she had been with Carmilla. It was a great feeling.

 

 

LaFontaine hugged Laura tightly as soon as they opened the door to their apartment. Laura hugged back, grateful that she had friends that she could talk to and stay with while she tried to decide what exactly to do next.

  
“Hey, Laur, I’m sorry to hear about you and Danny,” LaFontaine said, locking the door to their apartment as Laura took a seat on the couch. “What happened?”

  
“Cookies will be ready in ten!” Perry called from the kitchen, making Laura laugh.

  
“We had another fight,” Laura said, shaking her head. “I guess we’ve been kind of drifting apart more and more recently, but I just didn’t expect it to come to this. I always just kind of thought that we could work things out. But I’ve been thinking about what you said lately, and I realized that I don’t want to fight for Danny and I’s relationship. And I haven’t fought for it in a long time. I’ve spent so much time fighting for my families at the shelter, and more time recently fighting for Carmilla that I just didn’t have time to fight for my relationship on top of all that. And I guess I just realized that I didn’t miss her as much as I thought I should?”

  
LaFontaine was listening intently, nodding occasionally, though never interrupting. Perry was listening from the kitchen, her eyes moving back and forth between Laura and the oven where the cookies were baking.

  
“I don’t know if that makes sense,” Laura continued. “And I didn’t really think of it at the time, but I realized that in the beginning of the relationship, I missed Danny like crazy when we weren’t together. I wanted to be with her, even if we were just doing homework and not even talking to each other. I just liked having her with me and knowing that she was there. But I’ve spent so much time at the shelter and with Carmilla lately that I haven’t been spending as much time with Danny. And it didn’t bother me.”

  
“Just checking,” LaFontaine said carefully, “but are you saying that you’re breaking up with Danny because you don’t miss her the way you did when you first started dating?”

  
“No! Well, yes, but that’s not it. That’s just the easiest way to explain it. It’s just that she’s not the same person I fell in love with, and I’m not even sure that I’m in love with her anymore. And then we fought this evening when Carmilla called and needed help, and she just said things that she shouldn’t have. First she said that she wouldn’t let me go see Carmilla, as if I’m not an adult capable of making my own decisions too. Then she said that she didn’t want me seeing Carmilla anymore, because it’s her ‘job’ to protect me, and she doesn’t feel like she can do her ‘job’ when I’m with Carmilla.”

  
LaFontaine winced. “Yeah, that was definitely the wrong thing to say to you. I could’ve told her that.”

  
“If you need anything, Laura, please just let us know,” Perry said, setting a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies down on the coffee table. “And you’re more than welcome to stay in the guest room for as long as you need to.”

  
“Thanks, Perr,” Laura said, smiling sadly. “I’ll have to go back to the apartment tomorrow and figure things out with Danny, but I very well may be back here again tomorrow night.”

  
“I really am sorry,” Perry said, taking a seat next to LaFontaine, and grabbing their hand. “But if it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing the right thing. You have to stay true to yourself, you know. You can’t change who you are as a person in order to stay with someone. And it’s not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where you’ve lost the love.”

  
“That’s really great advice. Thank you, both, for having me and for always knowing exactly what I need to hear… And for the cookies. The cookies are awesome.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Even though both Laura and Ms. Brown had told Carmilla that she’d done the right thing by calling Laura and resisting the urge to go seek Mark out, Carmilla still couldn’t fall asleep that night. She lay awake, staring at the ceiling. She still felt horribly shaken up. She’d been doing just fine, but she’d also been living in a bubble for the last month. She wanted, more than anything, to be out in the real world, putting her life together and starting to build a new life, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t be strong enough to constantly battle her addiction.

  
Carmilla felt like it took her hours to fall asleep that night, and when she finally did drift off into fitful sleep, her dreams were haunted by heroin.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The next day, a Sunday, Laura woke before either LaFontaine or Perry had gotten out of bed. She’d slept in their guest room, borrowing some of Perry’s clothes for pajamas, but now she knew that she needed to get back to her apartment and talk to Danny. She changed back into her own clothes, made the bed, folded the clothes she’d borrowed, and set the neatly folded pile on top of the bed in the guest bedroom. She crept out of their apartment, making sure that the door handle was at least locked, since she couldn’t deadbolt the door from the outside.

  
Laura headed back to the apartment she and Danny shared, running over and over in her mind the things that she wanted to say. She didn’t want to hurt Danny, but she also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. She might have realized that she didn’t want to fight for their relationship anymore, but that didn’t mean that Danny wasn’t going to put up a fight. Laura just hoped that she’d be able to say everything she needed to say before she started crying.

  
When she got back to her apartment, Laura stood outside the door longer than she needed to, her heart hammering against her chest, her keys dangling in her hand. After nearly twenty minutes, she couldn’t justify standing in the hall any longer. So she unlocked the door as quietly as possible, pushed the door open, and headed into the apartment.

  
Danny was in the kitchen, eating cereal for breakfast as she scrolled through something on her phone. Laura saw her move slightly when the door shut, but she made no move to acknowledge Laura’s presence.

  
“Danny?” Laura asked, her heart hammering so fast she was afraid it would burst. She’d never done anything like this before. “Can we talk?”

  
“Why not,” Danny said, not bothering to mask the edge to her voice.

  
“I, um… I just,” Laura stammered, trying to find the right words to begin. She knew what she wanted to say, but she had no idea how to start saying it. “I feel like we’ve been fighting a lot lately. And, um, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past month or so. It’s just… it hasn’t been easy––I mean, I know we both have about a million things going on right now, and I feel like we’ve been drifting apart.”

  
“No thanks to your obsession with Carmilla,” Danny spat.

  
Laura flinched, and stared at Danny, her fear of confrontation suddenly turning to anger. “I’ve been trying to help her, Danny. And for your information, the reason she called me last night was because she was craving another hit, but she didn’t want to screw up a month of recovery. She’s doing much better! But that’s not even what I wanted to talk about. I just… I feel like we’re two different people lately, and I don’t know if this is working anymore.”

  
That got Danny’s attention. She finally put her phone down and turned to face Laura. “What do you mean this isn’t working anymore? It’s working fine.”

  
“No, Danny, it’s not,” Laura replied, her voice quivering. “We’ve been fighting all the time lately, and things just feel––different between us. Can you honestly tell me that things with us are as good as they’ve always been?”

  
Danny thought for a moment before finally admitting, “No, I guess not. But we can talk about, we can fix it!”

  
“I’ve tried fixing things,” Laura said softly. “When you were upset about the amount of time I was spending with Carmilla, I did my best to limit the amount of time I spent with her, and I tried to make us a priority. But it’s just, I don’t…”

  
“You don’t what, Laura?” Danny demanded, her face stony.

  
“I don’t think I can do this anymore. I love you, but the way things have been going lately, I just feel like we’re going down two completely different paths.”

  
“I don’t understand,” Danny said, sounding dumbstruck.

  
“I feel like we’re just not working together as well as we used to. Like, okay, I used to think that one of the best things about you was how protective you are of the people you love. But lately, I haven’t felt protected as much as limited. I know you’re just trying to keep me safe, but I felt constricted. And I know that you used to love the way I go out of my way to help people, but with Carmilla, I feel like you don’t love that aspect of me quite as much as you used to.”

  
“I’m only trying to protect you because sometimes you make dumb choices!” Danny said, rising from her seat. “That’s why things changed with Carmilla! Not because you were trying to help her, but because you brought a stranger, who was detoxing from heroin into our house without even talking to me about it first! She could have been dangerous, but you didn’t even think about that! You just brought her home, and expected me to be okay with it! And now you’re acting like it’s my fault that things have changed between us!”

  
“That’s not––Danny, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel!”

  
“Well don’t bother,” Danny shot back. “I already know that you’ll choose Carmilla over me every time.”

  
At that, something inside Laura seemed to snap. Without even taking a moment to think about what she was going to say next, Laura muttered, "We're through."

  
“What?” Danny asked, staring at Laura as though she’d said it in a different language.

  
“I said we’re through. I can’t do this anymore, Danny. You’re not the same person that I fell in love with, and I’m not going to fight for this relationship anymore.”

  
“What are you talking about? We’re just having a fight, for fuck’s sake!” Danny was yelling now, her hands running through her hair as she tried to make sense of what was happening.

  
“I don’t love you anymore,” Laura whispered.

  
“What did you say?” Danny asked, her voice dangerously quiet.

  
“I said I don’t love you anymore.”

  
“Well,” Danny said, her voice breaking. “If that’s how you really feel, then… I guess it really is over. I’ll see you around, Hollis.” Danny stormed past Laura, blinking furiously as she tried not to let Laura see her cry. She walked straight out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her.

  
Laura stared at the door for a moment before she let herself start to cry––she knew this had been coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful. It started with tears running down her cheeks, but soon Laura was curled up on the kitchen floor, sobbing uncontrollably, and clutching at her sides. She’d never meant to hurt Danny, and yet Danny had fled the apartment in tears, and Laura crying so hard she didn’t think she could move, even if she wanted to. She hadn’t expected it to hurt so much.


	7. A Place to Call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla gets settled into her new apartment, and begins her life outside the shelter. Laura figures out how to live life now that she's single again. Carmilla comes to a slightly overdue realization.

It took Danny less than a week to move all her belongings, along with half the stuff she and Laura had bought together. The apartment felt empty, and Laura felt like her heart was heavy every time she walked back into the apartment. It had been weird, trying to adjust to being single. With Danny, she always felt like she was a part of something, like she was connected to something more than herself. And now that she was newly single, she was trying to get used to doing everything without thinking about Danny at some point. Laura felt like she’d lost a part of her life, and it was taking some getting used to. The only nice thing about being single was that she was able to devote much more time to her work.

  
Laura was still dividing her time between the women’s shelter and Carmilla, but now she went to the women’s shelter from eight to five each day, and spent more of her evenings with Carmilla.

 

 

On Wednesday night, Laura headed to the bookshop to meet Carmilla when she got off work. Carmilla was still working in the cafe area of the restaurant, pouring two mugs of coffee for a middle-aged couple. When she caught sight of Laura, she grinned, her beating a tiny bit faster, the way it always seemed to do when Laura was around.

  
“Hey, how’s it going?” Carmilla asked, setting the coffee pot back on the counter behind the register. “Do you want a coffee or anything?”

  
“I could go for a hot chocolate,” Laura said, taking a seat. She hadn’t told Carmilla about breaking up with Danny yet. She knew that she should tell her eventually, but she didn’t want Carmilla to worry about her––or maybe she just wanted to keep letting Carmilla think that she had her life together.

  
“Yeah, sure,” Carmilla said, stepping back behind the bar to make Laura’s hot chocolate. “Hey, don’t you have to be back home? Your girlfriend must be missing you lately, all the evenings you’ve been spending with me.” Carmilla hated herself as she said it. Why was she complaining about getting to spend so much time with Laura?

  
“Um,” Laura said, clenching her teeth slightly. “Not really. And she’s my ex, actually.”

  
“Wait, what?” Carmilla asked. That was just about the last thing she expected to hear Laura say. Secretly, she was kind of happy about their break-up, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on why. But she’d never let Laura know that, of course.

  
“We broke up a little over a week ago. We’d been fighting a lot recently,” Laura failed to mention that Carmilla had been the source of many of their arguments, “and then I was talking to my friend Laf about it and they gave me some really good advice that just made me kind of stop and take a look at the relationship. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I didn’t love Danny anymore. At least not the way you should love someone that you’re living with and supposedly in love with.”

  
“Well, I’m sorry to hear it,” Carmilla said, setting Laura’s hot chocolate down in front of her and taking the seat across from her.

  
“Yeah, it was rough,” Laura admitted. “I mean we’d been together for almost three years, and she’s been like my best friend for so long that it’s weird not being able to call her and talk about everything. I don’t know if she ever wants to talk to me again, actually.”

  
“Well if she doesn’t want to talk to you ever again, then she’s a fool,” Carmilla said firmly. “You’re amazing.”

  
Laura smiled, her cheeks revealing only a slight tinge of pink.

  
“Hey, I wanted to ask you something, actually, and since you’re single now I won’t feel like I’m stealing you away from your girlfriend.” Laura raised an eyebrow, wondering what Carmilla was trying to get at. “I was wondering if you’d be willing to help me move into my new apartment this weekend? I don’t have much stuff, but I’ve got a few pieces of furniture to try and put together, and I’d love to have a little extra help.”

  
“Yeah, of course,” Laura said. “I’m free all weekend these days.”

  
“Awesome, thank you so much,” Carmilla replied, getting back up from the table to take a customer’s order. “I’ll text you the address at some point, and you can just come over sometime on Saturday whenever you’re free.” After a few days at her job, Carmilla had bought herself a pay-as-you-go cell phone. So far, it only had three numbers programmed in: Laura’s, JP’s, and Ms. Brown’s.

  
“Yeah, sounds good.” Laura watched Carmilla work as she finished the rest of her hot chocolate. When Carmilla’s back was turned, she tucked a ten dollar bill into the tip jar––Carmilla would make her take it back if she knew, but since Carmilla paid for Laura’s drinks in the bookshop, it was Laura’s way of trying to pay her back.

  
“See you later!” Laura called as she left, waving to Carmilla over her shoulder.

  
“Have a good one,” Carmilla replied, watching Laura as she left.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

By Saturday morning, Carmilla had had several pieces of furniture delivered to her apartment, but she hadn’t started to put anything together yet. She’d visited the apartment several times, but she hadn’t moved in just yet. She’d been so eager to get her own place, and to get out of the recovery shelter, but now that she was getting close to actually doing it, it made her anxious. She still wasn’t completely confident that she’d be able to manage her cravings for drugs once she was out on her own. But she had to do it eventually, and she was just about as ready as she’d ever be.  
Carmilla got up early to head to the apartment. Ms. Brown was already at the desk, and wished Carmilla luck as she headed out the door. Carmilla wondered when Ms. Brown went home; she seemed to be at her seat at the front desk nearly every time Carmilla walked past.

  
The apartment was only a fifteen minute walk from the shelter, so it didn’t take long for Carmilla to get to the place she’d soon be calling home. It was a fairly small apartment building, with three floors, and five apartments to each floor. Carmilla’s apartment was on the top floor at the end of the hallway––apartment 15. There were already a few furnishings in place––two armchairs that Carmilla had found in a goodwill store had been delivered earlier that week, and she’d pushed them back into the middle of the living room. The futon she’d bought at a warehouse store was still in a long thin box, lying on the ground in the general area where Carmilla thought it would look nice.

  
The living room, dining room, and kitchen were all in one large, shared area, with a small kitchen island serving as the only real divider between sections. The kitchen came with a refrigerator, microwave, dishwasher, and oven, and Carmilla had filled the cabinets with a few sets of decent plasticware. She didn’t have much, but she’d managed to buy two plates, two bowls, two mugs, and two sets of silverware. She didn’t have any pots and pans yet, so she figured she’d probably be sticking to microwave meals for at least a little while.

  
The bedroom was small but cozy, with enough space to fit a full size mattress, two dressers, and a nightstand. There was no closet, but Carmilla didn’t own enough clothes to really need one anyway. The bathroom was through a door in the bedroom, and although it was small, it had a nice shower. Carmilla was looking forward to getting settled in, and finally getting comfortable having a place that she could call home.

  
It was still early, so Carmilla guessed that Laura probably wasn’t even up yet, but she sent her a text anyway: Hey, if you’re still up for helping me move some of my stuff in, just let me know. Then, she tucked her phone into her back pocket and turned her attention to the dresser she’d bought from a furniture store (some assembly required). Carmilla dumped the contents of the box out and sat on the ground to start sorting out the parts.  
Twenty minutes later, Carmilla was completely surrounded by a mess of wooden pieces, screws, and metal parts, and she was no closer to having a completed dresser. She checked her phone again and found a text from Laura.

 

_Hey, how’s it going? I’m ready to go, so I should be there in twenty minutes or so. Want me to bring anything?_

  
Carmilla texted back quickly _, No, unless you know a master carpenter. I think I might need a damn engineer to put this stupid dresser together._

  
_I’m afraid you’re out of luck,_ Laura texted back. _See you soon._

  
Carmilla tossed her phone on the ground, just outside her circle of dresser parts, and went back to trying to figure out how to put the silly thing together.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura was glad for a reason to get out of the apartment. Without Danny there, it felt empty, almost foreign. She hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be for the apartment to feel like home again when there wasn’t someone to share it with. So Saturday morning, she got up early, eager to get out of there and help Carmilla set up her own apartment. She got Carmilla’s texts, laughing as she imagined Carmilla struggling to assemble a dresser.

  
She dressed casually; usually when she was with Carmilla she was coming from work and was wearing dress pants and a blazer. It was nice to be able to visit her on the weekends now, when she could be more comfortable and relaxed. She dressed in skinny jeans, rolled at the bottoms so they didn’t fall past her heels. She grabbed a soft, flannel button-down and a loose jacket to stay warm on the walk there. Finally, Laura grabbed her bag and a neatly wrapped box; a house-warming gift for Carmilla.

 

 

Just like she’d texted Carmilla, it only took her about twenty minutes to get to Carmilla’s apartment. Carmilla had texted Laura the address earlier that week. It was a decent place, in a fairly good area of town, and Laura knew that Carmilla was grateful to have a place so close to the recovery shelter. Laura headed up two flights of stairs to the third floor, and walked slowly down the hallway, checking the number on each door as she went. When she found number fifteen at the end of the hall, she knocked, and shifted her weight from the balls of her feet to her heels as she waited.

  
“Hey!” she said cheerfully, handing Carmilla the box as soon as Carmilla opened the door.

  
“What’s this?” Carmilla asked, holding the door open with her foot as she let Laura in.

  
“It’s a housewarming gift.”

  
“You shouldn’t have,” Carmilla said, though she was already setting it down on the kitchen island so that she could open it up. She carefully tore away the wrapping paper, crushed it into a ball, and tossed it into an open plastic bag that was hanging from one of the cabinet handles. She eased the top of the box off, and smiled broadly.

  
Laura had bought her an over-large woven blanket. It was green, somewhere between neon and forest green. Carmilla knew immediately that it would be the perfect compliment to her all-black living room furniture. Laura felt nervous as she watched Carmilla open it; she’d spent nearly an hour in Target, trying to decide on the perfect gift for Carmilla’s new apartment, and she really wanted her to like it. She immediately felt like she’d made a good choice when Carmilla lifted it from the box, grabbing fistfuls of the fabric to feel it.

  
“Thank you so much, Laur!” Carmilla said, setting back into the box. “It’s perfect, and it’ll bring some much needed color to the place.”

  
“I’m glad you like it,” Laura said, tucking some hair behind her ear. “So, let’s get to this dresser, shall we?”

 

 

It took both of them more than an hour to figure out where all the screws were supposed to go, to get all the parts in the right places, and the screws fixed in tight enough. When Carmilla finally slid the last drawer into place, she collapsed back onto the bed, letting out a sigh of relief. Laura sat on the bed next to her, leaning over slightly, but keeping herself propped up on one arm. She couldn’t help but notice how free and happy Carmilla looked. Laura couldn’t think of a time she’d seen Carmilla look as carefree and happy––almost joyful as she was in that moment.

  
“Alright, I can’t do the futon right after that nightmare,” Carmilla said, sitting back up. “Do you want to grab lunch? There’s a nice little deli around the corner, they make some pretty great subs.”

  
“Yeah, sounds good,” Laura said, getting up from the bed. “But you’re buying, after the dresser debacle, you owe me.”

  
“Fair enough,” Carmilla replied, raising her hands in surrender. She loved that Laura was telling her to pay for lunch. Usually, Laura was so insistent on paying for everything, or at least paying for her own. The fact that she was going to let Carmilla pay for her meal felt like another huge step forward for Carmilla.

  
“I really do like the apartment,” Laura said as they headed out of the building. “It’s a pretty good space, and I have to say, I’m impressed with everything that you were able to buy, given that you’ve only been working for a few weeks now.”

  
“Yeah, Ms. Brown helped me figure out how to shop on a budget. So I got some stuff from goodwill, and I checked out a few yard sales too. Of course, it also helps that I get such a good rate for rent. And that I’m working full time now.” Carmilla reached the door of the deli first, and pulled the door open for Laura, waving her in.

  
“Why thank you, milady,” Laura laughed, winking at Carmilla as she entered. Carmilla felt her stomach to a weird––pleasant, but weird––flip. Laura made a beeline for the counter and ordered a tuna salad sandwich with tomatoes and lots of greens. Carmilla ordered a cheesesteak with peppers and onions, and they took a seat at one of the tables against the wall.

  
While they were waiting for their food, Laura glanced cautiously up at Carmilla before asking in a delicate voice, “Can I ask you something, Carm?”  
“Sure,” Carmilla said, shrugging her shoulder.

  
“When you were telling me about your past, you were talking about Ell and how you think that you loved her.”

  
“Yeah…”

  
“Um, well, I guess I was just wondering, and I don’t mean to pry, I think it’s just a remnant of when I thought I was going to be a counselor for LGBT youth rather than abused women and children…”

  
Laura kept rambling on and on, and Carmilla smirked, her eyebrows raised slightly as she watched Laura talk. She loved the way Laura could talk so fast, for so long, whenever she was nervous or passionate about something. Finally, Laura got to the point. “So, um, I guess I was just kind of curious how you identify?”

  
Carmilla had never heard that particular question so delicately phrased; Laura had a special talent for that. Carmilla let out a small laugh as she answered, “I’m gay.”

  
“Oh,” Laura said, searching for something to say. “I was just wondering cause that time I ran into you, and you were…”

  
“Well, I’m not exactly a gold star,” Carmilla said, the smile falling from her face. “Drugs will make you do things that you would never do otherwise. But yeah, I’m definitely not into guys. It took me a while to figure it out, and then I pretty much never had the chance to come out and get comfortable with it, because my mother would have just gone nu––I always thought I’d join a gay-straight alliance in college or something, but that never happened. And then I had bigger things to worry about. So I’ve known that I was gay for years, but I’ve never really had the chance to get involved with the community as much as I might have liked.”

  
“Well, I have to say, I am impressed that you know what gold star means, given that you never felt like you got to join in the community. It took me a couple years to figure that one out. If you do want to get more involved, let me know. I’ve got a lot of queer friends––actually, pretty much all my friends are at least a little queer.”

  
“Thanks. It’s nice having JP too. He was telling me some of his stories from living in San Francisco at the outbreak of the AIDS epidemic, and I can’t even imagine. It was a crazy time to be alive. Scary.” They fell into silence for a moment before Carmilla asked, “So what about you? I mean, obviously you had a girlfriend, but are you gay? Bi? Maybe pansexual?”

  
“Um, well I’m definitely gay. I mean the only way I can imagine sleeping with a guy would be if it was down to me to repopulate the earth to try and save humanity.”

  
“That’s a little extreme.”

  
“Yeah… Thankfully it shouldn’t ever come to that. But I’m also demisexual.” She recognized the befuddled look on Carmilla’s face, so she explained, “Demisexual just means that I have to have an emotional connection with someone before I feel attracted to them. So like I could meet the hottest woman on the planet tomorrow, and sure, I might say ‘yeah, she’s gorgeous,’ but I probably wouldn’t be interested in hooking up with her until I got to know her better.”

  
“Damn Hollis, that’s deep,” Carmilla said. If it had been anyone else, Laura would have been defensive, afraid that they were making fun of her. But she knew that Carmilla was just joking around. “So then is there an amount of time that you’d have to spend with someone before you start to feel attracted to them?”

  
“Not really,” Laura said, pausing to thank the cashier as he brought them their sandwiches. “Plus, Danny’s really the only person I’ve ever had a serious relationship with. But we were friends for nearly six months I think before anything happened. But it’s nice that way, because then you really get to know someone before you get involved with them.”

  
Carmilla couldn’t help but note that she’d known Laura for a mere two months. “That’s cool. I never even knew that there was a term for that kind of thing. I don’t think I’m de-demisexual?” Laura nodded, and Carmilla smiled, relieved, before continuing, “It’s just been so long since I was actually in the position to have a relationship, so I guess I’m not really sure what it even feels like. I mean with Ell, it was all so weird. One day, we were just friends, and then things just changed and suddenly I was in love with her, and it was like I was seeing her in a different light.”

  
“Did you feel anything for her before she kissed you?”

  
“Well, things did kind of change a bit before that, I guess. We used to spend all our time together, and then after a while, I started to notice that I was more worried about what I wore before going over to her place. I always wanted to look my best around her. And my heart started beating faster every time we were together. Not all the time, that’d be concerning, but the closer I got to meeting up with her, and then for the first few minutes we were together…” Carmilla trailed off. She’d just described the way she felt around Laura. Was she really so out of tune with herself that she couldn’t tell whether she was attracted to someone or not?

  
“Well, maybe you are a little bit demi,” Laura offered. “I feel like in the best relationships, people do talk at least a bit before they start dating. And sometimes you can be friends with someone for years, and then one day, for whatever reason, things change.”

  
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Carmilla said, her mind racing. Was she attracted to Laura? Or did she just get nervous around Laura because it had been Laura who helped her get clean, and Carmilla just wanted to prove that Laura had made the right choice.

 

 

Thankfully, the futon proved to be far easier to assemble than the dresser had been. It came nearly fully assembled, and it took Laura and Carmilla longer to decide how to set up the living room than it did for them to put the futon together. As soon as they got everything into place, Carmilla grabbed the blanket Laura had given her and draped it over the back of the futon.

  
“Perfect,” she said, stepping back to admire it. The apartment still wasn’t quite finished––Carmilla still wanted to get some bookshelves, and some wall decorations––something to make the apartment feel more personalized. But it was still home, and Carmilla was thrilled to finally have one, for the first time in more than five years.

  
“I agree,” Laura said, flopping onto the futon and stretching out. “And very comfortable too. I guess that means it’s nap time!”

  
Carmilla laughed and crossed to one of the armchairs, draping herself over the chair, one leg on the ground and one over the arm of the chair. “I’m glad you like it. Now all I need is a decent collection of books, and it’ll really start to feel like home.”

  
“Have you visited any used bookshops?”

  
“Laura, I work in a bookshop. I get a fifty percent discount on everything.”

  
“Oh,” Laura muttered, blushing slightly. “Yeah, I guess that would be the best spot then. Although, there’s some used book stores where you can get books for less than five bucks. You could get a whole collection of books for about fifty bucks.”

  
“Well, maybe I will have to check it out… after I get my next paycheck, at least. And I’ll have to find a bookshelf too.”

  
“Preferably one that’s easy to put together,” Laura joked. “I like you, but not enough to go through something like that horrible dresser again.”  
Carmilla’s stomach did another flip. “Deal.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Carmilla’s last day at the shelter was more emotional than she’d expected. Even though she’d been spending more and more time away from the shelter, it was hard for her to say goodbye to Will after their last counseling session. She’d been resentful of him at first, but the more she’d opened up, the more he was able to help her. Even worse than saying goodbye to Will was saying goodbye to the others from group––especially Brody. Carmilla hugged Elsie and wished her all the best, but she spent longer talking to Brody.

  
“Promise me you’re going to get your own place out there someday soon,” Carmilla said, hugging Brody.

  
“Yeah, sure thing, hottie,” Brody replied, winking at Carmilla.

  
Carmilla just rolled her eyes. “I guess some things never change.”

  
Finally, Carmilla headed out to the front desk to say goodbye to Ms. Brown. She knew that she’d see Ms. Brown again, but after everything Ms. Brown had done for her, it was still hard to say goodbye on her last day. No longer would Ms. Brown be there to greet her every day when she got home from work.

  
“So, you’re off into the real world,” Ms. Brown said when Carmilla finally made her way to the front desk.

  
“Yep. Thank you for everything,” Carmilla replied. “You’ve been so helpful to me, I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

  
“What you did, you did on your own,” Ms. Brown insisted. “You wouldn’t have accomplished everything you have if you didn’t want to. I am very proud of you, Miss Karnstein. And should you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”

  
“Of course,” Carmilla said, hugging Ms. Brown tightly.

  
“Good luck, with everything, Miss Karnstein.”

  
And with that, Carmilla pulled her backpack over her shoulder and headed out. It felt weird, leaving the shelter for what would probably be the last time. She’d been there for almost two months, and it almost felt like home. Leaving the shelter and knowing that she wouldn’t be coming back later that night just felt a little weird. She headed back to her apartment, let herself in, and dropped her bag next to the door.

  
“Welcome home,” she said, looking around at the empty apartment.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Over the next two weeks, Carmilla got her apartment more and more furnished, and feeling more and more like home. She got a few paintings to hang on the walls and spruce the place up a bit. For the living room, she got a set of three canvases, all part of a set. They were paintings of a field of flowers, all cooler colors of darker blues and purples. She bought an abstract that she hung in her bedroom; it was a dark painting, entirely made of straight lines, with streaks of vibrant blues, yellows, and reds throughout. In what was going to be the dining room, Carmilla hung an old-world, antique-looking map. She still didn’t have any furnishings for the dining room, so for the time being, the map was the only thing that made it distinctive.

  
Carmilla’s favorite painting though was one of a skull, which was detailed and hyper-realistic on one half, and overlaid with flowers and bright colors on the other side. Carmilla decided to hang it in the living room, on the wall opposite the three-set painting. With her next paycheck, Carmilla finally bought herself a bookshelf––another piece of furniture with ‘some assembly required.’

  
_Don’t hate me_ , Carmilla texted Laura. It was a Saturday, so Carmilla knew they both had the day off work, _but I finally got that bookshelf. Want to come over and help me put it together? You can see some of the new stuff I got for the place too_.

  
Carmilla and Laura usually met up several times a week, but they usually went to Laura’s apartment, or out for dinner somewhere. Laura had even taken Carmilla to the movies (the first time Carmilla had been to the movies in years) to see The Avengers. Carmilla was completely enamored with Black Widow by the time the movie was over, talking about her the whole way home. But despite the number of times they hung out, Laura hadn’t been to Carmilla’s apartment since the day she’d helped her put together the dresser and futon. Carmilla hadn’t felt like showing Laura the apartment, not when so few things had changed. Now that she had a little more to show for it, she figured it was about time to let Laura come back over and check it out.

  
_If it’s as much of a nightmare as that dresser was, you owe me dinner for a week_.

Half an hour later, Carmilla heard a knock at the door. She got up from the futon, where she’d been reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_ ––the first book she’d bought herself from JP’s bookshop.

  
“Hey, Laur, thanks for coming!”

  
“I’m glad you invited me,” Laura said, smiling warmly. Carmilla felt her heart flutter again––it was just something about Laura. “I was starting to wonder if I’d ever see your place aga––what is that?” Laura had stopped dead in her tracks, staring at the painting of the skull.

  
“It’s one of my new decorations,” Carmilla said defensively. “I got a couple paintings to try and brighten the place up a bit. And I’ve always kind of been fascinated with the macabre.”

  
“Clearly,” Laura said, still staring at the painting. “I mean, it is really… cool. It’s just a little odd to walk into your apartment and find myself face to face with a skull. But this one is really gorgeous,” Laura added, turning her attention to the three-piece painting. “The living room’s really coming together. And now, with the bookshelf, that’ll help pull it together even more. You know, if you had a TV, then you’d have everything!”

  
“Uh, I think I’ll probably stick with books for the time being. TV’s a little out of my price range at the moment.”

  
“Yeah, that makes sense. Although, if you’re interested, I’ve got about a hundred TV shows that I could introduce you to.”

  
“I’ll think about it,” Carmilla replied. “But for now, I think I’ll just focus on books. And my bookshelf.”

  
“Ah. That. Yes, let’s get started.”

  
Carmilla opened the box and slid out and sorted all the parts. The biggest piece of wood was obviously the back of the bookshelf, and the two long, thin pieces were the sides. There were six shelves, all the same size, and the bottom of the shelf, which was just barely larger than the other shelves, made of a thicker block of wood, and more adorned than any of the other parts. There were a couple of metal brackets, and a dozen small metal pegs.

  
“Well, this doesn’t look anywhere near as intimidating as that dresser was,” Carmilla noted.

  
“I bet it still takes us an hour to put together,” Laura laughed.

 

 

Laura turned out to be right. It wasn’t terribly difficult to assemble, but neither of them had proven to be particularly adept when it came to anything related to construction. It was a simple design: the metal brackets held the top, sides, and bottom together. The small metal pegs plugged into little holes drilled into the sides of the bookshelf, and there were notches on each bookshelf that lined up with each peg. But even with such a simple design, and step by step instructions to follow, it still took them nearly an hour to get everything put together in the right way.

  
“Yes!” Laura said, punching the air in celebration when Carmilla set the last shelf in place. “Nailed it.”

  
“Technically, there were no nails involved,” Carmilla teased.

  
“Oh, stop being such an ass,” Laura shot back, shoving Carmilla playfully. “It looks good. You got any books to put on it?”

  
“Just one, for now,” Carmilla said, setting _To Kill a Mockingbird_ on the top shelf. “There. I like the place better already.”

  
Laura tilted her head slightly as she watched Carmilla. She was nearly unrecognizable compared to the person she’d been when Laura had first run into her. She looked younger, happier. Her face had more color, and her hair fell around her face in loose, dark curls. Laura had started to notice the way Carmilla’s eyes lit up whenever she was talking about something that she loved––from books, to philosophy, to her hopes for the future. It was incredible to watch, and Laura felt lucky to get to watch Carmilla grow. She couldn’t believe it had already been nearly three months since she’d first convinced Carmilla to go to the recovery shelter.

  
“So, lunch?” Carmilla asked. “We could go to that deli again, or order pizza or something.”

  
“Why don’t we go back to my place,” Laura offered. “We can order Chinese food, and I can introduce you to Nikita. It’s on Netflix, it’s this super awesome show about this woman who’s a spy/assassin, and it’s just so cool.”

  
“Sure,” Carmilla said, smiling, “Sounds like an interesting show.”

 

 

Carmilla ended up spending hours at Laura’s apartment, curled up on the couch as they watched episode after episode of Nikita. When they were getting closer to dinnertime, and they were starting to get hungry, Laura made a bag of popcorn for them to split. She curled up in the couch again, and she and Carmilla shared the bag of popcorn while they watched a few more episodes.

  
Once they’d finished nearly half the first season, and it was dark outside, Carmilla finally said that she had to go. She had work the next day, and she didn’t want to be up too late.

  
“Alright, well thanks for hanging out with me today,” Laura said. “Text me when you get home.”

  
“Yeah, sure thing,” Carmilla replied, heading toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”

  
Carmilla headed home, unable to stop smiling the entire way. She loved just getting to spend time with Laura, and by she felt buoyant as she headed back to her apartment. She couldn’t stop thinking about Laura, about the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous or shy; the way she could spout off entire paragraphs in less than a minute when she was excited, or trying to make sure that she didn’t offend anyone. Before then, Carmilla hadn’t been sure how she felt about Laura––she knew they were friends, obviously, but she didn’t know what it meant that her heart always beat faster when they got together, or the way her stomach sometimes felt like it did flips. But suddenly, as she was heading home, Carmilla realized that she liked Laura, as more than just a friend.

  
It was just too bad that Carmilla was too broken to ever be a match for someone as good as Laura.


	8. A Bump in the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura introduces Carmilla to new female heroes. Carmilla has a bit of a health scare, and realizes how much Laura cares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of drug use and its consequences

Carmilla went over to Laura’s apartment several times over the next two weeks, until they were completely finished with _Nikita_.

  
“I can’t believe the last season only had six episodes!” Carmilla protested when they’d finished. “I mean, it was a good ending, but really?”

  
“I know, I need more,” Laura agreed. “It was such a good show.”

  
“I especially love the fact that we get two women just completely kicking ass,” Carmilla noted. “I mean, how often do you get to see that on TV or in movies? You know what I would love? A TV show for Black Widow. Like what does she do between the movies? Does she just train all the time? Because I could totally see her being an international vigilante or something.”

  
“Oh, then you definitely have to watch _Agent Carter_!” Laura replied excitedly. “Have you seen _Captain America_?” Carmilla shook her head. “Oh my god, we have to watch it! I think I have it here, actually.”

  
“Uh, Laura, I should probably head back home actually,” Carmilla interrupted. She didn’t want Laura to get too far in her search for the DVD.

  
Laura looked at her phone for the time. She really didn’t want Carmilla to leave yet, but it was already past 9:00. And she knew that Carmilla had to work the next day. Grudgingly, Laura nodded, and walked Carmilla to the door. “Well, you have to come over soon so we can watch it. You’ll like it, and you’ll love Peggy Carter, I promise.”

  
“I’ll take your word for it. I’ll text you when I’m free… I think I should be free again Thursday night, if that works?”

  
“Yeah, sounds good,” Laura said. It was Tuesday now, so she only had to wait two more days to get Carmilla to watch _Captain America_. “Text me when you’re back home.”

  
“Sure thing. Later, Hollis.”

  
Laura smiled. Carmilla was the only person who’d ever called her Hollis, and she was surprised at how much she liked it. Laura shut the door once Carmilla was gone, locked it up, and then went back to the sofa. She grabbed _To Kill a Mockingbird_ from the end table to pick up reading where she’d left off. It was Carmilla’s copy of the book––Carmilla had been horrified to learn that Laura had only read the Sparknotes version when she’d been in school, and she’d made Laura promise she would actually read it this time. So in her free time, when she wasn’t working or hanging out with Carmilla, Laura was curled up on her couch, immersed in the world of Atticus Finch.

 

 

A little more than twenty minutes later, Laura’s phone buzzed with a text from Carmilla. _Back home. Said hi to your favorite skull for you._

  
Laura laughed and texted back, _Ha ha. As long as you don’t tell it where I live. Sleep well. See you Thursday?_

  
It didn’t take long for Carmilla to reply, _Sure thing. I’m expecting big things of this Peggy Carter woman. Good night._

 

 

When Laura went to bed that night, she couldn’t stop replaying the day in her head. Work had been mostly uneventful, which she was always grateful for, given her workplace. But she’d had so much fun with Carmilla. She loved watching Carmilla’s reactions to everything that happened on _Nikita_. Carmilla had a habit of physically reacting to different scenes––when one of her favorite characters was in a fight, Carmilla would wince if they got hit, and she’d make a fist whenever they hit the person they were fighting. Carmilla was usually much more stoic, so Laura loved seeing her come a little bit further out of her shell.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The next day, Carmilla and Laura texted back and forth nearly all day, with occasional pauses (a couple minutes for Carmilla, when she had to help a customer; over an hour for Laura, when she was helping someone in her shelter).

  
_So, how about tomorrow night for Captain America?_  Laura asked.

Carmilla: _Works for me. I work with JP, we should close up around 6. Your place at 7?_  
Laura _: Sounds good! I’ll grab something for dinner. Italian work for you?_  
Carmilla _: Perfect. I’m excited to see what’s so great about this Peggy Carter._  
Laura _: You. Will. Love. Her._

  
Carmilla laughed at Laura’s text, but she didn’t have anything to add, so she tucked her phone back into her pocket. A few minutes later though, her phone buzzed again. And again. And again. Carmilla pulled it from her pocket quickly; what could be so urgent that it required multiple text messages.

Laura: _She’s incredibly kick-ass, but she’s not really formally trained. She just fights kind of brutally, with whatever’s available to her. It’s so real, you’ll love it._  
Laura _: And she’s got the perfect sense of humor...kind of like yours, actually. Just really dry humor, and she does a lot of insulting people through her jokes as well._  
Laura _: I didn’t mean that you insult people. I meant like the dry humor part._  
Laura _: I’m sorry, sometimes I think my words get out before my brain realizes how they sound._

Carmilla laughed again as she read Laura’s texts. Laura was always so worried about making sure that Carmilla knew what she meant.

Carmilla: _I knew what you meant, Laur. Tomorrow night sounds great._

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura kept looking over her texts with Carmilla from that day. She loved the way their conversation slid between jokes, passionate discussions of fictional characters, and plans for the next couple of days. She’d never have expected it from the girl who’d told her to ‘fuck off’ when they first met, but Carmilla was so easy to talk to. And even when they didn’t have a steady stream of conversation, Laura never felt uncomfortable, or like she had to fill the space.

  
She felt herself growing more connected to Carmilla. Over the course of just two months, they’d gone from strangers, brought together by a few random run-ins, to friends. Laura was even starting to think of Carmilla as one of her best friends.

  
Laura couldn’t sleep, so she texted Carmilla again. _Why are you so fascinated with the macabre?_

  
Carmilla didn’t take long to text back, _Really? You’re asking me this at midnight? When we both live alone?_

Laura: _Ugh, I just can’t sleep. You can pick the topic if you want._  
Carmilla _: Try having some camomile tea or something. That always knocks me out… well, heroin works too, but I wouldn’t recommend it._

Laura winced, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. She knew that Carmilla made jokes like that in a self-deprecating manner. She acknowledged her addiction and her past struggles by joking about it. But it still made Laura uncomfortable.

Laura:  _Don't say that._

Carmilla:  _You know I don't mean it. I've come too far to mess up now._

Laura:  _I know, but I worry about you anyway._

Carmilla:  _I know you won't listen to me, but you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing really well, and I have too much to lose to start using again._

Carmilla:  _So, my fascination with the macabre?_

Laura:  _Maybe we should do a different topic. It is a little eerie to get into you fascination with death when it's the dead of night._

Carmilla:  _Well, maybe if I knew who Peggy Carer was, I could talk about her. Have you read any books by Tamora Pierce? I really think you'd like her._

Laura and Carmilla continued texting for well over an hour, going back and forth about their favorite heroines, whether they were from books, movies, TV shows, or comic books. Finally, Laura’s eyes felt too heavy to stay awake any longer. She texted Carmilla a quick ‘good night, sleep tight,” and then rolled over and fell asleep herself. She was still holding her phone, a smile on her face.

 

 

The next day, Laura had trouble not thinking about Carmilla coming over that night. She was able to stay focused on her counseling sessions with the women in her care, but when she wasn’t having a one-on-one with them, her mind wandered. She couldn’t wait for Carmilla to see _Captain America_ and meet Peggy Carter. But she was mostly looking forward to talking to Carmilla afterwards, and seeing what parts of their conversation made Carmilla’s eyes light up.

  
Laura was leaving work when her phone started ringing. When she pulled it from her bag and checked the name on the caller ID, her brow furrowed. It was Ms. Brown’s number.

  
“Hello?”

  
“Miss Hollis? It’s me, Ms. Brown.”

  
“Is Carmilla okay?” Laura asked, her heart skipping a beat as her mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion.

“Miss Karnstein is fine… Or at least, I hope she is. I was actually calling because I couldn’t get ahold of her, and her answering machine doesn’t seem to be set up. I figured I could trust you to get a message to her?”

  
“Of course.”

  
“Typically, when users of intravenous drugs stay with us, we urge them to get tested for any bloodborne illnesses that could arise from sharing needles. For whatever reason, we never made this suggestion to Miss Karnstein. If she’d been sober for two months now, I would think she’s in the clear. Symptoms tend to present within the first few weeks. However, it is better to be safe. Will you let her know?”

  
“Absolutely,” Laura promised. She hadn’t even thought about that––she always worried that Carmilla might relapse, but she’d never even considered the possibility that Carmilla might have already suffered some more severe consequences of her drug habit.

  
“Thank you, Miss Hollis. Have a good night.”

  
“You too, Ms. Brown.” Laura hung up the phone, and tucked it numbly back into her pocket.

Her mind was suddenly in overdrive, conjuring worst-case scenarios. Carmilla, diagnosed with some horrible virus; Carmilla, finding out there was no cure; Laura, watching as Carmilla got sick and her health started to go downhill.

  
Laura shook her head forcefully, as though if she shook her head hard enough, she’d be able to force out those kinds of thoughts. She tried to convince herself that Carmilla was fine. After all, Laura spent enough time with her that she’d notice if Carmilla seemed off. It was ridiculous for her to get herself all worked up for nothing. So she went to the Italian restaurant, waited in the lobby while the food was prepared, and then headed back to her apartment to meet Carmilla. But she couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

It took a little longer than usual for Carmilla and JP to close up the shop, so by the time she reached Laura’s front door, it was nearly 7:00. Carmilla ran her fingers through her hair, hoping that the loose curls looked fairly presentable, and then she rapped her knuckles against the door.

  
“Come in!” Laura called.

  
Carmilla pushed the door open, and found Laura sitting at the dining room table, taking take-out containers out of a paper bag and setting them on the table. “Hey,” she said, pulling her jacket off as she crossed the room. “It smells delicious.”

  
“I didn’t know what you wanted, so I just got spaghetti,” Laura said, her voice clipped.

  
“That sounds perfect,” Carmilla replied, sliding into her seat against the wall. “How was your day?”

  
“Busy. But no new cases.”

  
Carmilla hesitated, glancing Laura over a few times. Laura was definitely upset about something; her brow was furrowed slightly, and she kept biting her bottom lip. “Laur, is everything okay?”

  
“It’s just––” Laura felt flustered as she tried to answer Carmilla’s question. “Ms. Brown called. She said she couldn’t get ahold of you, and she asked me to give you a message. She said that usually when someone’s used any kind of injected drugs, the recovery shelter recommends that they get tested for any bloodborne illnesses they could have picked up from sharing a needle or something. But she said as far as she knew, you never got tested.” Laura looked up, hopeful for a moment that Carmilla was about to tell her that of course she’d been tested, everything was negative. Or maybe that she’d never even shared a needle, and never used the same needle twice.

  
But Carmilla just frowned slightly and said, “No, I’ve never been checked for any of that stuff… shit! I didn’t even think about that!”

  
“Neither did I,” Laura admitted. “All I thought about was getting you sober.”

  
“Which was no small feat,” Carmilla inserted quickly. She hated when Laura started to belittle the things she’d done for Carmilla. “Well, I don’t work until 10:00 tomorrow, I could go get some blood drawn before work, at one of those health clinics.”

  
“Yeah…” Laura muttered.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla said gently, “hey, everything’s going to be fine, I promise. I grew up with the mother from hell, and then spent the last five years as part of the city’s homeless population. Do you really think some virus could get me?”

  
Laura let out a small, almost choked laugh, shaking her head.

  
“Come here,” Carmilla said, holding her arm open. Laura crossed the kitchen and gave Carmilla an awkward half-hug, since Carmilla was still sitting at her spot at the table. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

  
Once Laura had calmed down, and they’d started digging into their dinner, Carmilla spoke again. “I did have a question though.”

  
“What’s up?” Laura asked.

  
“Do you think you could maybe come with me to the doctor? It’s just that I haven’t had blood drawn since I was a little kid, and it kind of freaks me out.”

  
Laura’s eyes widened slightly. She couldn’t believe that Carmilla, who’d spent over a year injecting herself full of heroin, was freaked out about having a trained medical professional stick her with a needle to draw a fairly small amount of blood. She almost made a joke about it, but she figured the timing wasn’t quite right. “Of course. I don’t have any meetings with any of my families at the shelter tomorrow morning anyway, so that works out well.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said gratefully. She knew it’d be easier if she had a friend there with her. “Now, how about we enjoy dinner so we can finally get to the movie?”

 

 

“I think I’m in love,” Carmilla said at the end of the movie.

  
“I told you you’d love her!” Laura said triumphantly. “Is Peggy Carter not the greatest?”

  
“Yeah, she’s great,” Carmilla agreed, although slightly less enthusiastically than Laura. She was going over all her concerns for the blood test the next day. “I think my favorite scene was when she punched that asshole army recruit in the face.”

  
Laura and Carmilla went back and forth for over an hour, their conversation moving from their mutual love of Peggy Carter to which fighting styles they thought they’d have (Laura had taken a couple years of krav-maga, so she assumed she’d be a more disciplined fighter; Carmilla had learned to fight living on the streets, so she knew that she would fight dirty).

  
Finally, it was late, and Carmilla was starting to get tired. “I think I’m going to head out,” she said, failing to smother her yawn.

  
“Are you sure? You could just spend the night here, and then we can head out in the morning,” Laura offered.

  
Carmilla thought about it for a minute before she answered, “Can we stay at my place instead? I don’t have any stuff here, and that way you could pack a little bag or something. And the futon is actually very comfortable… I may have tried it out the other night when I was supposed to be reading. Plus I finally got some pots and pans, and I make pretty awesome omelets.” Carmilla hoped Laura would say yes; it would be the first time either of them had slept at the other’s place since Carmilla had gone through withdrawal in Laura’s guest room.

  
“Yeah, that sounds good… on one condition,” Laura countered. Carmilla raised an eyebrow, waiting to hear Laura’s stipulations. “That skull is not going to stay on that wall and stare me down while I’m trying to sleep.”

  
“The skull will stay with me tonight,” Carmilla promised. She tried to keep from grinning like an idiot––she couldn’t believe Laura was going to be staying with her. It reminded Carmilla of having sleepovers as a kid, something she hadn’t really done after her dad died, and she felt giddy with excitement; although her trepidation over the blood tests still lingered at the back of her mind.

 

When they got back to Carmilla’s apartment, Carmilla changed into her pajamas while Laura used the bathroom, and then they traded places. By the time Carmilla reemerged from the bathroom, Laura was already pulling the blanket on the futon over herself.

  
“As promised,” Carmilla teased, lifting the skull painting off its hooks and taking it into her room. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  
“Sleep well, Carm,” Laura said, rolling onto her side.

  
Carmilla smiled as she turned out the light in the living room. She felt better––safer, and more at ease––just knowing that Laura was sleeping in the next room.

 

The next morning, Laura woke to the sound of someone moving around in the kitchen––sounds that she hadn’t heard since Danny had moved out of the apartment. She sat up, pushing her hair back off her face, blinking to clear her eyes as she looked around.

  
“Morning,” she said, giving Carmilla a drowsy half-smile as she sat up, the blanket still draped over her lap.

  
“Morning,” Carmilla answered. “I feel like I should give you a disclaimer: I do not like mornings. At all. There’s a reason I usually work at ten or later at the bookshop.”

  
Laura looked down at her phone; it was only 7:30 in the morning. It was around the time Laura usually left her apartment to get to work. “Why are you up so early, then?”

  
“Couldn’t sleep,” Carmilla answered brusquely. The weight of her pending blood tests was still hanging over her head. “What kind of omelet do you want? I was just cutting up some peppers and onions for myself.”

  
“That would be perfect,” Laura said, running her fingers through her hair to pull it up into a ponytail. “I’ll be right back out.” Laura headed to the bathroom to change into jeans and a button-down flannel.

  
“So, I was just going to go to the clinic about twenty minutes from here,” Carmilla said, sliding Laura’s omelet out onto a plate. “It’s a walk-in clinic, and I’ve heard that they work pretty quickly. And their prices are a little cheaper than some of the other places around here.”

  
“That sounds good,” Laura said, grabbing a fork and digging into her omelet. “You have insurance, right?”

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla said, flipping her own omelet. “I don’t exactly understand all of it, but it’s supposed to cover most stuff. I know that for doctor’s visits, I’m only supposed to have to pay about twenty bucks or something for doctor’s visits.”

  
“It’s going to be fine,” Laura said, trying to convince herself of that as much as she was trying to convince Carmilla. Laura wished that she could protect Carmilla from everything; Carmilla had been through enough.

 

When they got to the clinic, Laura sat next to Carmilla while Carmilla filled out the stack of forms the receptionist had handed to her. She seemed to have everything memorized, and she whisked through the forms with ease, her cursive handwriting neater than Laura would have expected. It took about twenty minutes for Carmilla to finish all the forms, and when she handed them back to the receptionist, it took another ten minutes for her to get called back. Laura got up to go with her, her heart beating faster than usual.

“Ma’am, I’ll need you to wait here,” the nurse said, motioning to Laura to go back to the seats in the lobby.

  
“It’s okay, I’d like her to come back with me,” Carmilla said quickly. The nurse looked from her to Laura, but then shrugged, and motioned for both of them to follow her.

Laura acted like she couldn’t hear it as the nurse read over Carmilla’s forms, listing off different aspects of her life, but she kept feeling pangs as Carmilla nodded ‘yes’ to having used each of the drugs the nurse read off.

  
“Alright, let me just get some blood from you then,” the nurse said, grabbing a long, thin strip of rubber, a short needle, and a few empty vials. She wiped the crook of Carmilla’s elbow with an antiseptic wipe, and then tied the strip of rubber just above her elbow. For a moment, Carmilla felt suddenly at peace––it was a familiar feeling, that strip around her arm. She almost felt high just at the thought of having a needle in her arm again. But she felt the needle, and there was no following rush of drugs into her system. She looked down at the needle in her arm, saw blood running through the tiny tube and down into the vial. She couldn’t decide if she felt nauseous or if she felt like she were about to faint. She glanced over at Laura, who offered her a half smile and a nod of encouragement.

Once the nurse had filled a few vials with Carmilla’s blood, she grabbed a small square of gauze, pressed it to Carmilla’s elbow, pulled the needle out, and untied the strip of rubber.

“It’ll take a day or two to get the results of the test back,” the nurse said. “We’ll call the number on file to let you know what the results show.”

  
Carmilla nodded, and headed out of the clinic, Laura close behind.

  
“It’s going to be fine,” Laura assured her. “Just you wait, that phone’s going to ring and they’re going to tell you that everything came back negative, and you can go back to just living life the way you’re used to.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Every time Carmilla’s phone rang over the next few days, her heart would start racing uncontrollably for fear of the news she might get from the person on the other end of the call. It took the clinic three days to call her.

  
“Hello?” Carmilla asked, her voice shaky. She was sitting at home, reading from a philosophy book Laura had bought for her. It was her first day off that week, and she’d just wanted to relax.

  
“Miss Karnstein? This is Nurse Eva, from the clinic. You were seen here for some lab work recently, and we’ve gotten your results back.”

  
“And?” Carmilla asked, her heart in her throat.

  
There was a long pause before the nurse answered, “We’re going to need you to come in so you can speak with a doctor. Can you come in this afternoon?”

  
“Yeah, sure,” Carmilla answered, her heart sinking. If she needed to talk to a doctor, she didn’t think that she’d be getting good news. “What time?”

  
“How about three o’clock?”

  
“Okay,” Carmilla said numbly, before hanging up the phone. That was nearly four hours away, and Carmilla didn’t know if she could wait that long. without going a little crazy, thinking up all the possible scenarios.

  
She pulled up Laura’s number and typed out a quick text: _Got a call from the clinic. Results are in, they want me to go in and talk to a doctor. 3:00._

  
Carmilla knew that Laura was at work, but she needed to let someone know what was going on, just to calm herself down a tiny bit. She tried to go back to reading her book, but even that just wasn’t enough to distract herself. Her phone buzzed, and she read the text from Laura: _Are you at home? I’ll be there in half an hour._ Carmilla smiled, grateful to have someone like Laura looking out for her.

By the time Laura got there, Carmilla had started pacing back and forth in her living room, trying to talk herself out of worst-case scenarios. When she heard the knock at the door, she ran to open it, grateful for the distraction.

  
“Hey, how are you doing?” Laura asked, pulling Carmilla immediately into a hug, Carmilla stiffened for a moment, but then wrapped her arms around Laura as well.

  
“I’m just crazy nervous,” Carmilla admitted. “I was doing some research on the computer at work the other day, and like who knows what could happen––”

  
“Calm down,” Laura said, leading Carmilla over to the living room to sit down. “You don’t know what’s going to happen. For all you know, the doctor just wants to tell you that you have a horrible diet, and you need to work on that. Okay? Try not to freak out before you even know what’s going on.”

  
Carmilla nodded, and took a few deep breaths to try to calm herself down.

  
“We’ve got time to kill,” Laura said. “Why don’t we go get lunch? My treat. And then, when the doctor says that you’re completely fine, you can pay for dinner.”

  
“Fair enough,” Carmilla laughed. “I’ll grab my jacket.” Carmilla ducked into her bedroom and came back out as she pulled on her new leather jacket. She’d had one once, as a teenage, and she loved the look and feel of it. Once she actually had some savings, it was one of the first things she bought.

  
“Woah, looking good,” Laura said appreciatively. “Leather suits you… you look badass!”

  
“Good, that’s what I was going for,” Carmilla laughed. “Maybe it’ll make me feel a little more like a bamf when we get to the doctor’s office.”

 

They spent lunch talking about books. Laura didn’t read nearly as much as Carmilla did, but they had both enjoyed some of the same books. And Laura had finally starting reading some of Tamora Pierce’s books (she started with the Alanna series, and was already on the third book), so they spent almost an hour discussing their favorite characters, and their favorite scenes from each book.

  
Carmilla kept catching herself staring at Laura’s lips as she spoke. She noticed everything about them, from the way they moved when certain words rolled off them to the way she’d bite her bottom lip when she was thinking of what she wanted to say next. Carmilla wished that she could just lean across the table and kiss Laura, to feel what those lips would feel like against her own. But she knew it could never happen. Laura would never like her like that, and Carmilla cherished Laura’s friendship too much to jeopardize it.

  
“So, if everything in your life goes perfectly, where do you think you’ll be in five years?” Laura asked after they’d finished lunch, but still had over an hour to kill.

“Hmm… Well, I want to go to college, but I still need to save up some more money and I’m pretty sure I have to retake the SATs, since I last took them almost six years ago. So maybe in five years, I’ll be walking down the aisle on my way to getting my diploma. What about you? Still working at the women’s shelter?”

  
“Maybe. But I think what I’d really like is to have my own practice as a psychologist. My favorite part of working at the women’s shelter is getting to counsel these women, and getting to know and work with them. I’d love to open up my own practice and get to work one-on-one with people all day. I could work with different types of people that way too. Right now, I just work with women and children who come from abusive situations, but if I had my own practice I could have all different kinds of people.” Laura noticed Carmilla staring at her, and she asked, “What?”

  
“Nothing, I just had yet another one of those moments when I realize what a painfully good person you are,” Carmilla said, scuffing her foot on the sidewalk. “I am legitimately confused as to how we became friends.”

  
“You’re not a bad person, Carm,” Laura said adamantly. “You just had a shitty upbringing, and then you made a few bad choices. But look at where you are now––you’re getting your life together and talking about going to university! You’re pretty awesome yourself.”

They got to the doctor’s office a little early, in the hopes that Carmilla could be seen faster, but they ended up just sitting in the waiting room for half an hour, waiting patiently for Carmilla’s name to be called. When it finally was, Laura grabbed Carmilla’s hand, gave her an encouraging squeeze, and followed her back to the patient’s room. It took another ten minutes for the doctor to come in.

  
“Miss Karnstein,” he said, holding out his hand to shake Carmilla’s. “I’m Dr. Carlson, I just wanted to go over your test results with you.”

  
Carmilla didn’t know if it was possible for her heart to beat any faster. Her palms were sweating as she gripped the edge of the cot she was sitting on. She just wanted to hear the doctor tell her that everything was going to be okay.

  
“Well, first, let me tell you that we didn’t detect any active viruses, and you are completely negative for HIV and Hepatitis C, as well, both of which are usually some of our concerns for former intravenous drug users. That said, the tests did come back indicating that you have inactive Hepatitis B.”

  
“What does that mean?” Carmilla asked. She was sure that the doctor could actually hear her heart hammering against her ribs.

  
“That’s actually good news,” the doctor said. “Do you remember a time, at some point after you started injecting drugs, when you were very ill? Possibly with a fever, throwing up. Your skin may have seemed slightly yellow?”

  
Carmilla thought for a minute before nodding slowly. She’d one spent two whole weeks at Mark’s house, barely eating, pressing damp washcloths to her face, and puking whenever she tried to eat something.

  
“That’s what I expected. At some point when you were using heroin, you may have shared a needle with someone who was infected, and you became infected with Hepatitis B. That’s what most likely caused that episode of sickness you’re talking about. When I say that it’s inactive, what I mean is that it is still in your system, but you are not currently contagious, although there is always a chance that the disease could reactivate.”

  
“So what can I do about it?” Carmilla asked.

  
“Well, since it’s inactive, there’s really nothing that you can do,” the doctor explained. “It won’t cause any ill effects so long as it remains inactive. Should it reactivate, and cause you to get sick, then we would treat that outbreak, and wait until it became inactive again. If it were to become chronic, which I think would be very unlikely in your case, then there are different treatment options for that. The greater concern is making sure that your loved ones are protected. If the virus were to reactivate, you might not be aware of it, but you would still be contagious and could infect the people that you spend the most time with. If you have a roommate, a significant other… anyone that may be around you enough to be at risk, they should get vaccinated. That way if the virus does reactivate in your system, they will not be at risk.”

  
Carmilla nodded, thinking. There really weren’t that many people in her life who would need to be vaccinated. Maybe Laura, since they spent so much time together. But she was really the only person that Carmilla could think of. “Well, I’m not dating anyone, and I don’t have a roommate, so I can’t think of anyone who might need to––”

  
“I want to get the vaccine,” Laura said, cutting across Carmilla.

  
“What?” Carmilla spun to stare at Laura.

  
“I spend enough time with you, and if you get really sick, I’m going to be there to take care of you.” Laura was insistent, and Carmilla smiled; she knew that no matter what she or the doctor said, Laura was going to get that shot. “I want to get the vaccine, just to be safe.”

  
The doctor looked momentarily taken aback, but recovered quickly. “Do you have a primary care doctor? I would have to call and check your medical records first to see if you’ve received the vaccination already. If not, I can give you the first shot today. It’s a series of three shots, so we would do one today, the next a month from now, and the final shot six months from now.”

  
Laura gave Dr. Carlson the information for her doctor, and her headed out the door to go check.

  
“You didn’t have to do that,” Carmilla said, though she truly appreciated it.

  
“I want to,” Laura said. “You know that if anything happens to you, I’ll be there, so I just want to make sure that I’m not paranoid about whether I’m going to get sick if I help you out.”

  
“Thank you,” Carmilla whispered. She loved that Laura was so willing, even eager, to be there for her whenever she needed it. But at the same time, she hated that she was the kind of person that her friends felt they had to worry about.

  
“Don’t mention it,” Laura said, smiling.

  
Dr. Carlson came back several minutes later. “Well, the good news is that you received the shot as a child, so you’re already protected. And your doctor said that you’re in good health, so there’s no need for you to get a booster shot either. You’re both good to go!”

  
“Thank you, very much,” Laura said, shaking the doctor’s hand as they left. Once they were out of the clinic, Laura slung her arm around Carmilla’s shoulders in a weird side-hug. “See, Carm? I told you there was nothing to worry about. Now you owe me dinner.”

  
Carmilla fell into step beside Laura, feeling much more relaxed than she had at the doctor’s office. She watched Laura walk slightly ahead of her, and she replayed the scene from the doctor’s office in her head. She realized with a sigh that she liked Laura even more than she’d originally realized. She knew that Laura would always be there for her, and she also knew that she’d do just about anything Laura asked.


	9. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla finally gets to meet LaFontaine and Perry. Laura comes to a surprising revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just kind of a light, feel-good chapter, after everything that's been going on lately! And it's shorter than I planned, but I thought that was a good point to end it. But that just means that the next chapter will be a bit longer :)

After the visit to the hospital, Carmilla started spending most Friday nights sleeping over at Laura’s, back in the guestroom where she’d first spent a night at Laura’s (although she much preferred the circumstances now-a-days than originally). Carmilla always had off on Saturdays, and worked on Sundays, so she’d spend Friday at Laura’s, and they’d watch some TV or a movie and then they’d each go to bed. Carmilla would make breakfast for both of them whenever she got up on Saturday, and then they’d find something to do for the rest of the day Saturday.

  
The more time Carmilla spent with Laura, the more she wished that she could kiss her. They spent enough time together that it was easy for Carmilla to sometimes forget that they were only friends. But, Carmilla always reminded herself, there was no way Laura could ever like her the same way in return. Carmilla figured she had pretty much ruined her chances for that when she’d stayed in Laura’s apartment during withdrawal. Carmilla had vowed, several times, to find something to get involved in without Laura, so that she could start meeting new friends and maybe lessen the amount of time she spent with the girl she really needed to stop crushing on. And yet, every time Laura texted, Carmilla almost immediately agreed to whatever plan Laura had hatched for them.

  
That was how she’d ended up roped into going with Laura to her friend’s apartment for dinner. Laura went to their place for dinner once a week, and she had practically begged Carmilla to come along so she could meet them.

  
“They’re going to love you!” Laura had insisted, when Carmilla protested that it would be too awkward.

  
So now, Carmilla was getting dressed in a nicer outfit––purple skinny jeans (the same ones Ms. Brown had bought for her), a loose white tank top with black flowers that seemed to grow up from the hem, and her new leather jacket. She’d even drawn on eyeliner. It was the first time she’d be meeting any of Laura’s friends (Carmilla didn’t count Danny, since Danny had pretty much cut all contact with Laura after the break-up), and Carmilla felt even more nervous than she had when JP had interviewed her for the position at the bookshop. At least now, Carmilla was four months sober, had a job and an apartment of her own, and at least felt like she had something to show for herself. And she assumed that Laura had already told her friends all about Carmilla, so there was no need for her to feel awkward about her past.

  
Laura knocked on her door a half an hour before they were supposed to meet Laura’s friends at their apartment.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla said, her heart already beating a little faster as Laura stepped into the apartment. Laura was wearing teal skinny jeans, rolled a few times at the ankle since she was too short for pants her size. She wore a white sweater with the outline of a black owl on the middle. Carmilla felt the now-familiar tug on her heart when she looked Laura over.

  
“Hey,” Laura replied brightly, stepping into the apartment and glancing over Carmilla’s clothes. She looked good, _really_ good. Laura didn’t know why it hit her just then, or why she hadn’t noticed it sooner, but she was suddenly struck with the realization that Carmilla was hot. And especially for someone who had only built their clothing collection over the course of a few weeks, Carmilla’s clothes fit her wonderfully. “Wow. You look great. I really do love the leather on you.”

  
“Thanks, Laur,” Carmilla said, running her hands over the front of the jacket. “It makes me feel like I can do anything.”

  
“You can do anything,” Laura pointed out. “Okay, so I don’t think I went over this with you before, but we’re going to LaFontaine and Perry’s house for dinner. They’ve been dating for years, they’re adorable together. LaFontaine is my friend from high school. They’re the one that I was telling you made me interested in becoming a counselor for LGBT kids. They went through a lot, and it was really hard watching them go through all that. But when they met Perry in college, it was like none of that mattered. Laf was a completely different person––you’ll see when we get there. LaFontaine is also non-binary and they prefer they and their pronouns.”

  
“They and their,” Carmilla repeated. “Got it.” She really, really hoped she wouldn’t mess anything up during dinner.

  
“And Perry is just a total sweetheart, and definitely the mothering type. Don’t take it personally if she asks you really personal questions or something, she just wants to make sure that everyone’s doing okay in their lives.”

  
“LaFontaine and Perry,” Carmilla said, running over everything she knew about them in her head. “Alright, I think all that’s left now is to meet them.”

  
“Well, let’s go!” Laura said eagerly, leading the way out of Carmilla’s apartment.

  
Carmilla’s apartment was almost a half an hour’s walk from LaFontaine and Perry’s place. Carmilla offered to call a cab, but Laura enjoyed walking, and Carmilla wasn’t about to argue the point. They were heading down the sidewalk, enjoying the slightly warmer weather, when Laura looped her arm through Carmilla’s, the crook of her elbow resting on Carmilla’s forearm. Carmilla stiffened slightly––Laura’s movement had thrown her off guard, but she certainly didn’t want Laura to pull her arm away. It was nice; Carmilla almost felt like she was showing Laura through the town; or like Laura just wanted to make sure that she was holding onto Carmilla. Either option was fine with Carmilla.

  
“One of these days, I really want to get out of the city and go stargazing,” Carmilla said, her hands in her pockets (Laura’s arm still linked through hers), staring up at the sky. There were a few stars that were visible, but ever since Carmilla had gone camping with her dad when she was young, she wanted nothing more than to see a sky so full of stars that it looked like someone had spilled glitter.

  
“That would be amazing, wouldn’t it?” Laura asked. “I always wanted to hang out with someone––and you’d need a car––but I’ve always wanted to just like drive out to the middle of nowhere with someone and then lie on the hood of the car to see the stars.”

  
Carmilla was practically planning a romantic get-away for her and Laura, where they’d camp in the same tent, watch stars at night, and just spend time doing whatever made them both happy during the day. Carmilla wished she could have that kind of life.

  
“Alright, you ready?” Laura asked as she led the way up a few flights of stairs in an apartment building that was much larger than Carmilla’s.

  
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Carmilla would never admit that she was insanely nervous. She had to make a good impression with Laura’s friends.

  
“Don’t worry,” Laura encouraged, squeezing Carmilla’s upper arm before sliding her own arm away, “they’re going to love you.” And with that, Laura knocked on the door they’d stopped in front of.

  
A girl only slightly taller than Carmilla, with a head of tight, bright orange curls, opened the door almost immediately. “Laura, good to have you again,” she said giving Laura a quick hug. “And you must be Carmilla, Laura’s told us so much about you. We’re so glad you’re here. I’m Perry.” Perry pulled Carmilla into a hug, and Carmilla hugged her back, glaring as Laura snickered slightly.

  
“Hey, nice to meet you,” the person behind Perry said, holding out a hand to shake Carmilla’s. “I’m LaFontaine, but you can just call me Laf. Oh, and I hope you like fish. Perr here’s been on a fish-only, no-meat type diet lately.”

  
“You said you liked it,” Perry said, sounding hurt.

  
“No, babe, it’s great,” LaFontaine assured her. “But I wouldn’t complain if you made bacon-wrapped mahi mahi one of these days.”

  
“I honestly don’t know why I bother to make sure you eat healthy sometimes,” Perry complained, rolling her eyes. “Come on, everyone, let’s get started. The food won’t be nearly as good if we let it all get cold!”

  
Carmilla took the seat on Laura’s right, opposite LaFontaine. She eyed the food, trying to gauge whether there might be anything she didn’t like. She wanted to do everything possible to avoid offending her hosts, but everything looked so good she didn’t think she had anything to worry about.

  
“Well,” Perry said, watching Carmilla eagerly. “Please, dig in! You’re our guest, so you have to go first. And you’re Laura’s friend, so she’ll make you pick yours before she serves herself.”

  
Carmilla knew that was true, so she helped herself to breaded flounder, asparagus with melted parmesan over top, and brown rice with chopped veggies mixed in. She noticed that Perry seemed to relax once her plate was full.

  
“So, Laura told us that you’re working at a bookshop near your apartment?” Perry asked, waiting for everyone else to fill their plates before she helped herself.

  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve been working at JP’s Bookshop for––geez, I think it’s been two months already? It’s really great. Usually I come in early––well, I start at ten, which is plenty early for me––and I get the store set up and the shelves straightened out and all that good stuff. Once everything’s set I work the register and manage the cafe area.”

  
“She makes the absolute best hot chocolate,” Laura bragged.

  
Carmilla just laughed. “Now that I’ve got the hang of more of the day-to-day stuff, JP’s started teaching me how to do inventory and ordering. I’ve only just started learning inventory, but it’s nice to be getting some more responsibilities. I’m actually already the second in charge, behind JP of course.”

  
“That’s awesome,” LaFontaine said, hiding their mouth full of food behind their hand.

  
“Yeah, I really like it. Especially as my first job, I didn’t expect to find something that I enjoy so much. So what about you two, what do you do?”

  
“Well, I work in a scientific research lab,” LaFontaine answered. “I won’t go into too much detail, but basically I run a lot of tests and get to play with lots of fun chemicals. I’m working on making blood tests more efficient. My lab just got more grant money, so it’s really helping things out. I think we may actually be able to mass produce this and get it into hospitals soon, which would improve patient care. Imagine just getting a finger prick instead of having a pint of blood drawn!”

  
Carmilla’s mind wandered back to her nerve-wracking blood tests at the doctor’s not too long ago. She also felt a twinge of jealousy; she loved her job at the bookshop, but LaFontaine’s job, much like Laura’s, sounded like such an impressive, grown-up job. Carmilla felt like the kid of the group, despite everything she’d gone through in her life.

  
“I hate getting blood drawn,” Carmilla replied after a short pause. “Ask Laura, she came with me to get some blood work done, just to make sure I’m in good health, and I was so freaked out. I’d love to just get a finger pricked instead!”

  
“Well, when we finally get everything working right, you can be the first to test it out,” LaFontaine said. Carmilla couldn’t tell if they were being serious or not.

  
There was a pause, where everyone waited for someone to say something. When no one spoke, Perry broke the silence, “And I teach kindergarten. For the rest of this school year at least, and then I’ll be moving up to teach fourth graders.”

  
“Oh, really?” Carmilla asked. She still thought she could make a good teacher someday (although most definitely not for elementary school kids). “What school do you teach at?”

  
“I’m at St. Mary’s,” Perry answered.

  
“No way!” Carmilla replied, her face lighting up. “That’s where I went to grade school! Does Mrs. Calpin still teach fifth grade?”

  
“She actually retired a couple years ago,” Perry answered, unable to stop smiling. Now that she knew she had something in common with Carmilla, she could talk for hours. “She was such an amazing teacher though. Did you have her for homeroom, or just for classes?”

  
“Homeroom,” Carmilla answered. Her eyes lit up as she talked about her childhood, but her voice was still soft and slow. “She was great, I still remember science with her––she was the one that first got me interested in outer space and the stars and all that. She actually took our class on a field trip to the planetarium. It was such a great day.”

  
“Yeah, she certainly had a knack for that kind of thing. I can’t believe you were a St. Mary’s kid! Such a small world!”

 

 

Laura spent most of the dinner sitting back and watching Carmilla talk to LaFontaine and Perry, thrilled that everything was going so well. She’d been a little nervous that dinner would be awkward, but after they’d finished dinner, the four of them sat around and traded more stories, talking and laughing. Laura did notice that Carmilla spun every story to carefully avoid any mention of her mother, drugs, or her time spent living on the streets.

  
As she watched Carmilla, listened to her stories, and watched the way Carmilla’s facial expressions shifted throughout the conversation, Laura couldn’t keep the smile from her face. She loved listening to Carmilla talk; she thought she could probably listen to Carmilla talk about her life––the good, the bad, and everything in between––for days and never grow bored.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

On Friday night, Carmilla went to Laura’s house for their usual movie night. Laura had already made popcorn, and she was sorting through a stack of DVDs on the living room table when Carmilla entered the apartment. By now, Laura was just leaving her apartment door unlocked every Friday, and Carmilla would just knock on the door as a formality before letting herself in.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla said, her heart feeling lighter as Laura smiled at her.

  
“Hey,” Laura replied, straightening up and smiling at Carmilla. Every time Laura had seen Carmilla lately, she caught herself staring, practically studying the lines of Carmilla’s jaw and prominent cheekbones. Maybe it was just because she’d been sober for so long now, but Carmilla looked good. “Uh… yeah, so I’ve been trying to pick a movie that we haven’t seen yet, but I wasn’t sure what you would like.”

  
“ _Balto_?” Carmilla laughed, picking up one of the DVDs from the table.

  
“Don’t laugh,” Laura pouted. “It’s a cute story! And it’s based on a true story, and it always makes me cry!”

  
“Of course it does,” Carmilla shot back, laughing again. “Well, I’ve never even heard of Balto, why don’t we watch this one?”

  
“You just want to see me cry,” Laura said, sticking her tongue out. But she walked over to the DVD player to set it up anyway.

  
“You want a water or anything?” Carmilla asked, tossing her leather jacket over the back of one of the chairs in the dining room as she headed to the refrigerator to pour herself a water.

  
“Yeah, can you get me a glass of wine? Just a little bit, please.”

  
Carmilla poured herself a glass of water from the Brita pitcher in Laura’s refrigerator, and then filled one of Laura’s stemless wine glasses about a third of the way with the bottle of red wine that Laura had had in the refrigerator for nearly three weeks now.

  
“Here you are, milady,” Carmilla said, handing Laura the wine.

  
“Many thanks,” Laura replied, taking a sip of her wine, and setting the bowl of popcorn between them on the couch.

  
They settled into the couch, both munching on popcorn, and Laura started the movie. Halfway through the movie, Laura had stopped paying attention to the movie, instead keeping an eye on Carmilla’s reactions to the movie––something she found herself doing more and more when they were together. And when she finally turned back to watch the movie (it was her favorite part after all), Laura suddenly realized that she wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss Carmilla.

  
It happened so suddenly, without any kind of warning, that Laura was taken aback. Of course, Carmilla was her best friend, but Laura hadn’t even realized that she was starting to feel anything more for her. And all of a sudden, she didn’t care about the movie. She kept glancing at Carmilla’s lips, wondering what they’d feel like on her own.

“You aren’t even crying!” Carmilla said, twisting her head to see Laura’s soft, brown eyes at different angles, just in case Laura was tearing up, and she couldn’t quite tell.

  
“Oh, uh, yeah,” Laura said, trying to come up with something to say. She couldn’t just tell Carmilla that she’d been too distracted staring at her to actually watch the movie. “Yeah, it was a, uh, it was just a long day at work.”

  
Carmilla squinted at Laura suspiciously for a moment, but then she nodded. “Yeah, I can only imagine, with the kind of work you do. Well, I guess I should just let you get to bed.”

  
“Are you staying over?” Laura asked, eager for Carmilla to stay. It would give her time to think about how she wanted to handle her newly realized feelings for Carmilla.

  
“It is Friday, isn’t it?” Carmilla asked, making it clear that yes, she would be staying over. She’d slept in the guest room at Laura’s apartment every Friday for over a month now.

  
“Okay, cool,” Laura said. “Cause I’ve gotten used to you making breakfast for me.”

  
“How’s eleven sound for brunch?” Carmilla asked.

  
“Works for me,” Laura replied. She usually woke early, but Carmilla cooked good enough meals that she was willing to wait.

  
“Alright. G’night, Laur,” Carmilla said, heading into the guest room. She could’ve stayed up for hours talking to Laura, but whenever Laura sounded like she needed some sleep, Carmilla would let her go.

 

Laura stared at her ceiling for over an hour that night, her thoughts racing each other through her head. She remembered when this had all happened with Danny––they’d been friends for weeks, hanging out, talking, getting to know each other. The more Laura learned about her, the closer to Danny she’d felt. And then, one day it had come rushing in like a flood, and suddenly she’d realized all these little things about Danny that she loved. Every time she’d been with Danny after that, she’d just wanted to kiss her. But even more than that, she’d wanted all the little things that came with a relationship; the hand-holding, the curling up together to watch movies, the falling asleep with someone next to her.

  
And now she wanted that with Carmilla.


	10. Looking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla each share stories about their childhoods. Laura gets a little more drunk than she intends, and looses her filter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: descriptions of abuse

The next morning, Carmilla was up and making breakfast before ten. She’d bought more cooking supplies (Laura’s apartment was frightening void of any ingredients), and so that morning Carmilla had taken over most of the kitchen counter to make pancakes. She already had a stack of pancakes balanced on a plate when Laura came out of her room, her hair a little messy, still wearing her baggy t-shirt and loose-fitting pajama pants.

  
“Good morning,” she said, smiling warmly.

  
“Morning,” Carmilla replied, smiling as she went back to pouring out pancake batter. She felt like she was blushing, and she hoped that her cheeks weren’t pink. Even when Laura had just rolled out of bed, Carmilla still thought she looked cute.

  
Laura took a seat at the dining room table, and watched Carmilla finish making breakfast. Now that she’d realized that she liked Carmilla, Laura felt different as she watched her cook. She watched the way the muscles in Carmilla’s arms moved as she flipped pancakes; the way she ran her fingers through her hair when she needed to flip it out of her way; the way she focused so intently on whatever she was doing on the time.

  
“Smells good,” Laura said as Carmilla set down the stack of pancakes on the table.

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla replied, smiling. She got butter and syrup, as well as plates, forks and knives, moving around Laura’s apartment as comfortably as if it were her own home. “Sleep well?”

  
“It took me a while to fall asleep,” Laura admitted, although she’d never tell Carmilla why. “But once I finally did fall asleep, I was out like a light. You?”

  
“I always sleep well here,” Carmilla said softly. She wished she had the nerves to tell Laura how she made her feel. But she knew that Laura would never feel the same, and Carmilla knew that she couldn’t afford to mess up her first real friendship in years.

  
“Alright, you’re going to just have to cook for me forever,” Laura said, digging into her pancakes. They were delicious, but Laura was still in awe. She couldn’t figure out when, during Carmilla’s life on the street, she’d have learned how to cook so well.

  
“Too much of a good thing will just spoil it for you,” Carmilla replied, winking.

  
Laura felt her heart skip a beat, and she swallowed before answering, “Where did you learn to cook? I mean, you didn’t exactly have a full-range kitchen when I first met you.”

  
Carmilla’s smile dropped suddenly, and she played with her food for a minute before she answered. “My mother taught me. Or I guess, more accurately, my mother kicked the crap out of me until I figured it out.”

  
Laura felt her heart sink. As much as she loved learning more about Carmilla, it pained her to hear about the worst aspects of her background. Carmilla had started to loosen up when she talked about her issues with drugs, and her time spent on the streets, but she was still fairly tight-lipped about the abuse she’d suffered at her mother’s hands. Laura had seen that more times than she’d ever wanted to through her job; there was something about being abused by loved ones that made people clam up.

  
“I’m sorry, Carm,” Laura said, reaching out to squeeze Carmilla’s hand.

  
“It’s in the past,” Carmilla said, but her voice had already flattened into a monotone. “But it started when I was about twelve. She used to cook, but I guess once she figured I was old enough to figure it out on my own, she just decided she’d had enough. I still remember the first night I had to cook dinner––I’d been home from school for almost two hours before my mom got home. She was in such a miserable mood when she got home, and she just started screaming at me before the door had even shut behind her. She told me to make dinner while she went to get a bath.”

  
Laura’s jaw was clenched, almost painfully, as she listened to Carmilla continue her story. Every time Carmilla told a story about her mother, Laura felt like her heart was actually heavy.

  
“So I decided to make pasta. I thought it would be easy enough. I made the pasta, and the tomato sauce, and my mother had bought a loaf of bread, so I cut that up, and I set everything out on the table. When my mother came down from her bath, she immediately started throwing back wine. She ate about half her dinner, and then she started screaming again. She was drunk, and angry, and she was shouting that I was a horrible cook… I’m pretty sure she told me I’d never find a husband, which is just ironic since I turned out to be about as straight as her morals. But anyway, she was in the middle of this screaming match, and I was scared, so I ran for my room. My mother tried to stop me by hurling the knife I’d used to cut the bread.”

  
Laura gasped, clapping her hands to her mouth in horror.

  
“Thankfully,” Carmilla continued, still playing with her food (she hadn’t met Laura’s eyes the entire time), “my mother was drunk, and so her aim wasn’t all there. But that’s how I got this.” Carmilla rolled up the left sleeve of her shirt to reveal a long, raised white scar across the outside of her upper arm. It wasn’t too thick, but it was big enough to be immediately noticeable without the sleeve covering it.

  
“Oh my god,” Laura breathed, reaching out to run her finger down the scar before she could stop herself. “Carmilla, I’m so sorry.”

  
Carmilla just shook her head. “Like I said, it’s in the past. I wouldn’t have ended up here, with such wonderful cooking skills if I hadn’t gone through shit like that.” Carmilla’s voice had regained more of the emotion, and she was finally able to look up and meet Laura’s eyes.

  
“Well, I wish none of that had ever happened to you, but I am glad that you’re here,” Laura said, smiling shyly. She wished she had the guts to tell Carmilla just _how_ glad she was to have Carmilla in her life.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura tried to convince Carmilla to stay at her apartment longer, determined to pluck up enough courage to tell Carmilla how she felt. At least then they could talk about it. But Carmilla had to work the next day, so she eventually had to head back to her apartment.

  
Once she was on her own in the apartment, Laura finally had time to really sit down and think. It had been years since she’d had to figure out a potential new relationship, and she wasn’t quite sure what would happen next. She knew that she liked Carmilla, but she knew there was no way that Carmilla felt the same about her. Carmilla had been through so much, fought through so much, and come out stronger for it. She was the biggest bad-ass Laura knew. The worst thing Laura had been through was growing up without a mother––but her mother had died shortly after Laura’s birth, so it wasn’t like Laura had ever had to deal with the loss; she’d simply grown up only knowing one parent. And her father had spoiled her––her life had been a breeze compared to everything. Laura thought of the old saying ‘opposites attract,’ but she couldn’t imagine Carmilla ever being with someone who hadn’t been through some kind of hardship.

  
Laura went back and forth, trying to decide between working up enough nerve to actually ask Carmilla out, on a date, not just to hang out again, or to say nothing at all, and just continue to enjoy their friendship. One minute, she was completely convinced that she would ask Carmilla out, and she would start planning the perfect date. The next, she was listing all the reasons why asking Carmilla out would be the worst decision she could possibly make.

  
Eventually, Laura talked herself out of saying anything to Carmilla about her newfound feelings. It had taken her nearly six months to develop feelings for Carmilla; she was sure it would only take her at least six more to get rid of those feelings.

  
Work wasn’t much fun that day. Laura was barely able to help her families as she fought back and forth with herself. One minute, she was completely determined to tell Carmilla how she felt, and the next she swore that she’d take this with her to the grave. Since she couldn’t decide what to do, she decided to just invite Carmilla out for dinner and see what happened.

  
_Hey, I need to get out of the house tonight. You want to get dinner? My treat._

  
It only took a few minutes for Carmilla to text back, _Sure thing. Am I coming to your place or are you coming to mine?_

Laura: _I’ll come to you. How’s seven?_  
Carmilla: _Perfect. I’m off work at six, so that’ll give me time to get ready. See you later._

The rest of Laura’s day at work could not go by fast enough. She was going to get to see Carmilla again, to spend time with Carmilla, and she just wanted time to move faster so that she could be knocking on the door to Carmilla’s apartment already. Instead, she sat in her little office in the women’s shelter, filling out paperwork for one of the women she was counseling. Sitting there with nothing but a stack of paper and her pen made the time crawl by even more slowly.

 

Finally, Laura finished her paperwork, and reached the end of her shift. She practically sprinted out of the shelter, waving good-bye to some of her families as she passed their rooms. She’d originally planned to go home and change her clothes, but instead she decided to just head straight to Carmilla’s apartment.

  
The back-and-forth that she’d been having all day continued as Laura walked across town to meet Carmilla. She couldn’t decide if it was going to be just another dinner, or if Laura was going to try to tell Carmilla how she felt at some point during the night. She tried to plan out what she was going to say as she walked through the city, editing herself as she went. Maybe she’d just be blunt–– _“Hey, Carm, so remember how I said I’m demisexual? Well, the more time we’ve spent together, the more I’ve started to realize that I like you, as more than just a friend.”_ –– or maybe she’d be a little more subtle, and try to ask Carmilla about her feelings instead–– “ _So, now that everything in your life is going so well, do you think you might want to start dating? Have you met anyone you might be interested in yet?”_

  
No matter what Laura practiced saying, it all sounded stupid in her head. She shook her head, frustrated with herself. She was always so awkward when it came to these kinds of situations. She’d lost one of her closest friends in high school because she’d misjudged the situation, and then botched it badly. With Danny, Laura already knew that Danny had feelings for her when she started to develop feelings for Danny, so there was very little awkwardness. Although Laura had mumbled and stuttered rather spectacularly when she’d asked if Danny still felt the same about her. But once Danny admitted that she still had feelings for Laura, and Laura said that she had developed feelings for Danny as well, everything fell into place so easily it was like it had been predetermined.

  
Laura just had no idea how to handle relationships, and she was so worried about messing things up with Carmilla. Maybe it would be best if she just didn’t say anything after all.

 

By the time Laura knocked on Carmilla’s apartment door, she’d decided, with complete certainty, that she wasn’t going to say anything to Carmilla about how she felt. She couldn’t imagine Carmilla feeling the same way about her, and she didn’t want anything to mess up their friendship or get in the way of Carmilla’s recovery.

  
“Come in!” Carmilla called from inside the apartment.

  
Laura opened the door and headed in, looking around to find her friend. She caught a glance of Carmilla in her bedroom––the door was ajar, and Carmilla was standing in just the right spot for Laura to see her from where she stood. Laura watched as Carmilla pulled her work shirt over her head and changed into a more relaxed button-down. Laura knew she shouldn’t watch, but she couldn’t help herself––Carmilla was fit. Laura didn’t know what she’d expected, and she knew that Carmilla was thin, but she hadn’t expected to be able to see muscles shifting as she moved.

  
“Shit,” Laura whispered, barely audibly. She was so in over her head.

  
“Hey, how was your day?” Carmilla asked, stepping into the living room and pulling the bedroom door slightly shut behind her.

  
“It was good,” Laura replied. “It was mostly paperwork, but even that’s worth it when I know that it’s going to help someone get into a better situation.”

  
“That’s awesome,” Carmilla said sincerely. If she was more of an emotional person, she might have told Laura that she loved how selfless and devoted to her work Laura was. But instead, Carmilla said, “So, what do you want to do for dinner?”

  
“I was thinking we could go to that new place on the edge of town? We’d have to take the bus to get there, but I’ve heard they’ve got really good stuff. It’s a good variety of stuff, and it’s kind of on the nicer side. But still casual.”

  
“Works for me. Although I hope you know how to manage the buses, because I’ve always walked everywhere.”

  
_No wonder you’re in such good shape_ , Laura thought, relieved that she managed to keep from actually saying it out loud. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Do you have some coins for bus fare though?”

  
“Yeah, give me a second,” Carmilla said, rummaging through her backpack. She hated purses, so she carried a backpack most places, but when she and Laura went out, Carmilla just stuck whatever she needed into her pockets. Occasionally, she’d give Laura a few things for Laura to keep in her purse. “Alright, got it.”

  
“Cool, let’s go!”

  
Laura had been better at using the buses when she was still in college. Once she and Danny had moved into the apartment she lived in now, Laura had lived so close to all the places she needed to go that she just walked everywhere. So her skills at navigating the city via public transportation had deteriorated. According to the map app on Laura’s phone, it was only supposed to take twenty minutes for the bus to get there, but it took Laura and Carmilla almost an hour.

  
“Well how was I supposed to know that the bus stopped on that side of the street?” Laura asked defensively. She’d insisted on waiting on the sidewalk in front of the corner store, and the bus, which stopped on the opposite side of the street, had zoomed right past them.

  
“Maybe because the sign for the bus stop was across the street from us?” Carmilla teased. Any time she got to spend with Laura was time well spent, so she wasn’t even remotely annoyed about the prolonged travel time, but it was entertaining to needle her anyway.

  
“Well, we’re here aren’t we?” Laura demanded. “And, added bonus, now we’ve both got bigger appetites. So come on, let’s go get some food.”

 

The restaurant was nicer than either of them had anticipated: the tables covered in neat, white tablecloths; the lights hung low over the tables, and offered slightly dimmed lighting. The hostess that greeted them was wearing all black, complete with a black tie tucked into her waistband.

  
“Just two tonight?” she asked, already grabbing menus for each of them.

  
“Yes,” Laura answered immediately. She and Carmilla followed the hostess through the restaurant to a table against the wall.

  
“Here you are. Your waitress will be with you shortly.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, taking the seat in the corner. She always felt safer with a wall to her back. She grabbed the menu as Laura took the seat opposite her. As she scanned the options, she felt relieved. As they’d walked through the restaurant, Carmilla had been afraid that the restaurant would be too expensive, but the prices were all reasonable.

  
“Mm, everything looks so good,” Laura commented as she scanned the menu. “I think I might get some wine––do you drink at all?”

  
“No, I don’t think so,” Carmilla said uneasily. “I think I should probably at least wait until I’m a little further into my recovery to pick up anything else that could become addicting.”

  
“You’re handling this really well,” Laura said, smiling. “I’m really impressed with how committed you’ve been to this. It’s really amazing to see you work so hard. And it’s really paying off. I’m glad I get to be here to see you get better.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She was proud of all the steps she’d made towards recovery, but she wasn’t accustomed to praise, and sometimes she felt awkward when Laura offered her so many compliments on her recovery.

  
Their waiter came over before the silence stretched too long between them. “Hi, my name’s John, I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Can I start you ladies off with something to drink?”

  
“Yeah, I’ll have water,” Carmilla answered.

  
“And I’ll have a glass of Beaujolais,” Laura added.

  
“Great, I’ll be right back with those, give you two a minute to look over the menu.

  
“Any idea what you want?” Laura asked after the waiter had walked away.

  
“I think I might go with the steak and asparagus dinner,” Carmilla answered. It wasn’t expensive, so Carmilla didn’t feel bad about Laura paying for it. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good steak. What about you? You’ll have to get something to pair well with that wine.”

  
“Yeah, but it’s a good red, so I think it should go well with just about anything. I might go with the breaded chicken. Or the vegetable grilled chicken––I guess just something with chicken.”

  
The waiter came back with water for Carmilla and a fairly generous glass of wine for Laura. He took their orders, and then headed off to the kitchen to enter them, leaving Carmilla and Laura alone again. Carmilla had spent too much of their time together lately talking about herself, and her past, so she decided it was about time she learned a bit more about Laura.

  
“You’ve never told me much about what things were like for you growing up,” Carmilla noted, watching as Laura sipped her wine. “You’ve heard all about my monstrosity of a mother. What about your parents, what’re they like?”

  
Laura thought for a minute. She’d never wanted to talk about her childhood around Carmilla for fear of sounding like she was bragging. But that was ridiculous––Carmilla had _asked_ about her childhood, and it was true: Laura knew much, much more about Carmilla than Carmilla did about her.

  
“Well, it was just me and my dad growing up. My mom died shortly after I was born. She apparently had cancer and she had to decide between having me and getting chemotherapy, and so she chose to have me. Unfortunately that meant that by the time they actually could start chemo, she was already too far along and there wasn’t really much they could do for her.” Laura caught sight of Carmilla’s pained expression and hastily said, “No, it’s okay. I mean, I do wish I’d gotten to know her better, but I have pictures, and my dad’s told me so many stories about her. It was weird growing up without a mother, but what she did was so brave. I’m proud of her… and I guess it helps that if she hadn’t made that choice, I might not be here to talk about it.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t known about Laura’s mother. They’d both lost a parent to cancer, and she couldn’t believe that it had never come up before.

  
“So yeah, it was just me and dad from the time that I was about six months old. I’m so glad I’ve got pictures with my mom––she actually looked just like me. But dad did a great job with me. He was really protective of me, and he was always worried about my safety. I think after he lost mom he was terrified of losing me. Sometimes I had to kind of argue to be able to do the things I wanted. Dad wanted me to learn martial arts, but I wanted to study art and photography. So we made a compromise, and I had to take two years of krav maga before I got to take some art classes.”

  
Laura had already finished her first glass of wine, and the waiter came over to pour her another as she continued her story, “He was pretty thrilled when I got to high school and joined the gay-straight alliance, since he considered that to be a ‘safe’ activity. He was afraid I’d join a sport or something where there was a chance I could get hurt.”

  
Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh. “You know, I can’t really picture you as the sporty type.”

  
“Probably because I most definitely am not,” Laura replied, also laughing. The wine was starting to hit her, and her cheeks were starting to go slightly pink. “But yeah, it was actually me and Laf in the GSA––that was back when they were still kind of struggling to figure things out and they were still going by ‘Susan.’”

  
“Susan?” Carmilla asked. “LaFontaine suits them. I can’t imagine them as a Susan.”

  
“Yeah, well neither could they,” Laura said. “They’re the friend that really sparked my interest in psychology and getting into social work. I think I’d still like to get back into a job where I can help LGBT kids out. I really loved getting to LaFontaine come out of their shell, and I’d love to be able to help kids go through that kind of thing.”

  
“Well, what about you?” Carmilla questioned. “How was it for you coming out?”

  
“I never really had a huge coming out,” Laura said, speaking slowly. She paused as their waiter came back, and set their meals down in front of them: steak with asparagus and mashed potatoes for Carmilla, and grilled chicken with grilled vegetables spread over top for Laura. Laura thanked the waiter, and continued her story as they both started eating. “I mean, for a while I thought there was something wrong with me, because I never dated anyone in high school. I mean, I did have kind of a summer thing, but I never really had any feelings for the girl, even when we were making out.”

  
The wine was making Laura much more loose with her words. She was already on her third glass, and they weren’t even halfway through their dinners. She usually didn’t drink much, but the wine was helping to keep her more calm around Carmilla. “I’d learned about asexuality, but I wasn’t really sure if that applied to me or not. I knew I definitely wasn’t aromantic, but I was starting to wonder whether I was asexual or not. And honestly, my dad and I never even had a huge conversation about it. When I started seeing the girl in high school, my dad just said he loved me and he just wanted me to be happy. Actually, he also told me that he was glad I liked girls, because he’d rather worry about me dating a girl than a guy.”

  
Carmilla had to chuckle at that. Laura’s dad sounded incredibly laid back––unless you hurt his daughter. Carmilla guessed that anyone who hurt his daughter would forever be on his bad side.

  
“It really wasn’t until college that I learned about demisexuality and realized that that was what applied to me. Freshman year was kind of just a really long adjustment period, and I just met a lot of new people and made lots of new friends. LaFontaine and I were at the same school, and they loved the fresh start. That’s when they started going by their last name, and by gender neutral pronouns. And then they met Perry freshman year, and everything changed. It was like I got to see them blossom into this whole new person. Them and Perry––they’re just better when they’re together.”

  
“But freshman year is when I figured out that I was demisexual. There was there girl that I was interested in––she was cute, and we had a good time whenever we were together. We were interested in a lot of the same things, so we always had a lot to talk about. But she was a much more sexual person, and she wanted more out of the relationship more quickly than I did. I always knew that I needed more time to know whether I was interested in someone or not, and I was just starting to think that I liked her when she told me that she’d met someone else that she was interested in, and that their relationship felt more natural and it was moving faster. So I made a last-ditch effort, and tried to tell her how I felt, but it was too late, and a little disingenuous, and we ended up never being together. But it helped me realize that I was demisexual, so I’m really grateful for that.”

  
Carmilla smiled. She’d never heard Laura talk so much about her own past, and she loved the chance to learn more about the girl who’d done so much for her.

  
Laura had continued drinking wine, and she was starting to get a little tipsy. They’d finished their dinners, and were just waiting for the check. Laura was polishing off her fifth glass of wine, and her words were starting to slur together.

  
“Youshould come fur a movie or somethin’,” Laura stammered, her cheeks bright pink as she slurred. She struggled to write out a tip amount and then sign her signature.

  
“Let’s get you out of here,” Carmilla suggested once Laura had successfully signed the bill and they were good to go. Laura was starting to speak louder, and Carmilla knew that she should get Laura out of the restaurant before Laura very loudly announced something that might embarrass herself.

  
“Your place or mine?” Laura asked, leaning against Carmilla as Carmilla led her out of the restaurant.

  
“Yours,” Carmilla answered, trying to keep from laughing. She’d never seen Laura drunk before, and it was incredibly entertaining.

 

Thankfully, it only took them a half an hour to get home, since Carmilla remembered the bus route and got them on the right buses and waited on the right side of the street. Her heart was fluttering the entire time, since Laura was leaning against her when they walked, and even rested her head on Carmilla’s shoulder when they were sitting on the bus.

  
Finally, they reached their stop, and Carmilla led Laura off the bus, holding out her hand to help Laura down onto the sidewalk. They started walking down the sidewalk to Laura’s apartment, and Laura looped her arm through Carmilla’s. Carmilla tucked her hand into her pocket, keeping her arm straight as Laura kept her grip on Carmilla’s arm.

  
“You got your key?” Carmilla asked when they got to the door. She smiled, her heart warm, as she watched Laura fumble through her purse for the key, which she passed off to Carmilla. Carmilla opened the door and let Laura into the apartment.

  
“Stay with me?” Laura asked, flopping onto her back on the couch.

  
“Of course,” Carmilla replied. “You’re drunk, I can’t leave you here on your own.”

 

They sat in silence for so long that Carmilla started to think that Laura had fallen asleep. But then Laura sat up, and leaned slightly towards Carmilla.

  
“You’re beautiful, you know that?” Laura asked, her eyes slightly glazed over from the amount of alcohol she’d had.

  
“Let me get you some water,” Carmilla said, blushing as she got up to go to the kitchen and pour Laura a glass of water.

  
“No, I’m serious,” Laura insisted. She wasn’t slurring her words so badly anymore, but Carmilla could tell that she was still very, very drunk.

  
“Come on, Laur, drink this,” Carmilla said, handing the glass to her friend. Laura wrapped both hands around the glass, her hands resting over Carmilla’s.

  
“I mean it though, Carm. You’re beautiful. I like you, and you’re beautiful.“

  
Carmilla blushed. She knew that Laura was only saying that because she was drunk, but it made her feel giddy. It was exactly the kind of thing she wished that Laura would actually say for real.

  
Laura drank her water quickly, and set the glass down on the coffee table. There was more silence before Laura looked up at Carmilla and said, “Can I kiss you?”

  
Carmilla felt like her heart froze. She’d thought about kissing Laura more times than she could count, but she couldn’t do it like this. It took everything she had to keep from leaning forward, running her fingers through Laura’s hair and pressing her lips to Laura’s. But she didn’t want to kiss Laura when Laura was drunk, it just didn’t feel right.

  
“Let’s get you to bed,” Carmilla said, holding her hand out to Laura.

  
“Fine,” Laura said. “But only if I can kiss you.”

  
“Not tonight, Laur,” Carmilla said gently, leading Laura to her bedroom.

  
“Okay, how about tomorrow?”

  
Carmilla laughed. “If you ask me again tomorrow, when you’re sober, I might just say yes.”

  
“You promise?” Laura asked, lying down on her bed and watching Carmilla, who stood in the doorway. Carmilla nodded. “Are you staying here?”

  
“Sure,” Carmilla said. She’d planned on going back to her apartment, but with Laura being drunk, and asking if she could kiss Carmilla, Carmilla decided that it would be a good night to stay over. She had the next day off anyway.

 

The next morning, Laura woke up with a headache that was only a few steps short of a migraine. She sat halfway up in bed, running through everything that had happened the night before. Dinner had been fine, but then Laura remembered getting back to her apartment. She groaned and dropped back into her bed. She couldn’t believe she’d actually drunkenly asked Carmilla if she could kiss her. She really didn’t have any tact whatsoever.

  
Laura changed into a fresh set of clothes, and then headed into the kitchen to find some advil and a glass of water. She opened her bedroom door and saw Carmilla curled up on the couch, a book balanced on her knees, her back to Laura.

  
“Hey,” Laura said as she opened one of her cabinets and fished out a couple tablets of ibuprofen.

  
“Morning,” Carmilla said smirking.

  
“Sorry about last night,” Laura said, frowning as she filled a glass of water and took the ibuprofen. She hoped it kicked in quickly. “I didn’t mean to drink that much.”

  
“No need to apologize,” Carmilla replied. “It was actually rather entertaining. And you were very… uh, you were kind of just talking a lot.”  
Laura couldn’t decide if she wanted to bring her her request for a kiss. It was embarrassing enough just to think about it. “Yeah, sorry about that. It’s been awhile since I was that drunk.”

  
“Do you remember everything you said?” Carmilla asked, hopeful. She really wanted Laura to remember asking about the kiss. Now that they were both sober, Carmilla would have immediately said yes if Laura would’ve just asked again.

  
Laura’s heart was beating entirely too fast. “Um… yeah, actually I do.”

  
Carmilla froze. She’d been completely ready for Laura to say no; she wasn’t at all prepared for Laura to say yes. Now Carmilla’s heart was beating faster as she watched Laura come into the living room and sit down on the sofa, at Carmilla’s feet.

  
“And, I know I’m fairly awful at these things, and I’m sorry I’m so awkward,” Laura said, running her finger over the hem on her pants. “But I meant it. You really are beautiful.” Laura’s heart was in her throat as she tried to figure out what to say next. Carmilla was just staring at her, waiting for her to say something. She really was beautiful, and it was making it difficult for Laura to find the right words. “And… uh… I, uh, I was serious… when I… when I asked if…”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes. Laura really could take her time in getting a sentence out, especially when she was nervous. Carmilla was sick of waiting, so she set her book on the coffee table, leaned forward, and kissed Laura. It was just a short kiss, Carmilla’s lips just pressing gently to Laura’s for a few seconds before she pulled away, watching Laura for a reaction.

  
“I mean, I just didn’t know how you felt, so I didn’t want to––” Carmilla cut Laura off with another kiss, this time capturing Laura’s upper lip between her own. She thought she understood why cats purred; the feel of Laura’s lips against her own was enough to make Carmilla feel warm and fuzzy, and her heart to feel full. They kissed for a little while longer before Carmilla pulled away again. She didn’t want to push Laura too much.

  
“I know that you’ve had a lot going on, and I didn’t want to complicate anything,” Laura said, not really sure why she was still talking.  
Carmilla just smiled and kissed Laura again, her hands moving to rest on either side of Laura’s face, just under her ears, her thumbs brushing over Laura’s cheeks. They kissed longer this time, Carmilla biting Laura’s bottom lip gently, earning a smile from Laura as she kissed Carmilla again.

  
“Wow,” Carmilla said, leaning back slightly, her hand sliding from Laura’s jawbone to her arm.

  
“What?” Laura asked, biting her lip as she looked up at Carmilla. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was, to first be one of the few people to get to see Carmilla overcome her addiction and grow into a better person, and now to actually be the girl who got to kiss her.

  
“It’s been a long time since I kissed someone that I actually care about,” Carmilla said, looking down at her hand, which was resting on Laura’s forearm, her fingers tracing patterns against her skin.

  
“And?” Laura asked. Her heart was still beating faster than it was supposed to, and all she wanted to do was spend the rest of the day feeling Carmilla’s lips against her own.

  
“So much better,” Carmilla said, smiling as she kissed Laura again, her skin tingling as Laura’s hands moved, one to rest on her arm, and the other to the back of Carmilla’s head. Neither of them could stop smiling, and their teeth kept bumping each other, but Carmilla didn’t care. It was perfect.


	11. Relationship Rollercoaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla tries to figure out her and Laura's new relationship. Carmilla's self-consciousness leads to some struggles with her addiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: descriptions of abuse; struggles with addiction

As much as Carmilla wanted to stay at Laura’s for another night, she had to go home that night so that she could get up and ready for work on time the next morning. She walked home after she’d made dinner for both of them, and she couldn’t stop smiling the whole way home. She really wasn’t sure if this was real; it all felt too good to be true. And when she finally got into bed that night, it took her hours to fall asleep. She just wanted to keep replaying her kisses with Laura; there was no way her dreams could top everything that had actually happened that day.

The next morning when Carmilla woke up, she already had a few texts from Laura:

Laura: _Good morning!_  
Laura: _I hope you slept well._  
Laura: _Let me know if you want to come over after work!_

Carmilla smiled as she read through the texts. She could practically hear Laura’s voice: not entirely sure that she was saying the right thing, but smiling broadly the whole time anyway. She could still hear Laura, unsteady, stuttering and mumbling as she tried to soberly repeat her drunken question of the night before. It had been absolutely adorable, but Carmilla was so glad she hadn’t let Laura stutter through the whole thing. She wasn’t sure Laura would have ever gotten the question out.

  
Carmilla headed to work, beaming and grinning at nearly everyone she passed on the sidewalk. She didn’t even feel like her feet were touching the sidewalk as she walked.

  
“You look happy,” JP commented as Carmilla stepped into the bookshop.

  
“You sound surprised,” Carmilla shot back.

  
“Well, usually you just don’t… smile quite so much.”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes. She knew JP was right; she did have a tendency to be more on the broody side, but she did her best to be pleasant with all the customers. She actually thought she did quite well, particularly for a recovering addict. “Since you asked, I am happy,” Carmilla said, tossing her backpack under the register and going over to the cafe side to check on the coffee makers. “You remember me telling you about Laura?” JP nodded. “Well, I’ve kind of really, really liked her for a while now, but I didn’t want to say anything to her and risk ruining our friendship. But two nights ago, she got really drunk, and she asked if she could kiss me.”

  
JP’s face fell slightly. “Carmilla, you didn’t…” he said, his voice trailing off.

  
Carmilla felt a pang in her chest: why did people always seem to assume the worst of her? “I tucked her into bed and told her that if she still wanted to kiss me when she was sober, then I’d probably say yes. Luckily for me, the next morning she still remembered pretty much everything about the night before. She stammered her way through explanations, and she was trying to ask if she could kiss me again, when I kissed her.”

  
“Well, no wonder you’re grinning so broadly,” JP said, smirking at Carmilla. “So are you guys dating now?”

  
Carmilla froze. She hadn’t actually thought about that. They hadn’t really discussed things; they’d both been a little preoccupied. She knew that Laura was demisexual, so she wouldn’t jump into a relationship without getting to know the other person first. But what if she spent the day thinking about it, realized how messed up Carmilla really was, and decided that she was better off just staying friends.

  
“Um,” Carmilla said, frowning again. “Um, I think we’re just going to see how things play out for now. I mean we literally only kissed for the first time yesterday. And I don’t think either of us were really in the mood for talking.”

  
“Oh, to be young and in love,” JP said, laughing.

  
“Shut up,” Carmilla groaned, rolling her eyes again.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Even Laura’s families could tell that there was something different about her at work that day. She struggled to maintain impartial facial expressions as she talked to two of her families during their counseling sessions that morning. Laura had set strict rules for herself in order to keep the women and children she counseled comfortable, and that included never talking about relationships. She never wanted to talk about how happy she was in a relationship, for fear of rekindling any fondness the women in the shelter might still harbor for their abusive partners.

  
So when Maria, one of the women Laura counseled, asked Laura why she seemed more cheerful than usual that day, Laura just shrugged her shoulders and said that she’d just woken up on the right side of the bed that morning. Plus, it wouldn’t exactly be professional for Laura to tell the women she counseled that she was beaming so much because she couldn’t stop thinking about the way Carmilla’s lips felt against her own; the way Carmilla liked to bite her lower lip gently, tugging for a moment before releasing her. As much as Laura loved her job, she would have gladly taken a sick day just to continue kissing Carmilla.

  
Laura kept checking her phone throughout the day, waiting for Carmilla to text her back. She hadn’t expected Carmilla to answer her right away, but as more time wore on, the more Laura started to second guess things. Maybe the kiss hadn’t meant as much to Carmilla as it had to Laura. Maybe Laura really had messed things up between them. She was relieved, and then nervous again when she finally got a text from Carmilla: _Your place around 7? I kind of want to talk._

  
Laura hated that phrase more than anything. Every time she’d heard it, particularly from her dad, she’d always been terrified that she’d done something wrong and was going to get in some kind of trouble. Even when she knew she had nothing to be worried about, that phrase was enough to send her into a panic. And now, reading that text from Carmilla, Laura was scared of what it might mean.

 

7:00 couldn’t come fast enough. Laura was pacing in her apartment, tucking her hair behind her ear as she talked to herself nervously, trying to sort out every possible way the conversation with Carmilla could play out. She was relieved when there was finally a knock at the door; if only because it finally meant that she could stop playing through worst-case scenarios in her head.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, her cheeks feeling warm as she let Carmilla into the apartment. “How are you?”

  
“Hey,” Carmilla replied, crossing straight to the living room and sitting down on one end of the couch. “I’m good. You?”

  
Laura took a seat in the middle of the sofa, her knees practically touching Carmilla’s. “I’m good. But honestly, I’ve been kind of freaking out about this whole ‘I want to talk’ thing, so can we just go straight into it?”

  
Carmilla was surprised to hear how anxious Laura sounded, so she nodded and said, “Yeah, um, so I just––what are we?” The words were out of her mouth before Carmilla’s brain even had the chance to approve of them. She cursed herself silently as she corrected herself, “I mean, I was talking to JP today and I told him about us, and then he asked if we were dating, and I didn’t know what to tell him.”

  
Laura stared at Carmilla, dumfounded. Of all the things that Carmilla might have wanted to talk about, this was definitely not one of the possibilities Laura had considered. “Of course we are,” Laura said immediately, reaching out to grab Carmilla’s hand.

  
“Really?” Carmilla asked, shifting her hand so that her palm was pressed against Laura’s, and their fingers laced together. “Cause that’s what I was hoping, but I just wasn’t sure.”

  
“Carm, you remember me saying I was demisexual, right?” Laura asked. Carmilla nodded. “I don’t kiss just anyone, I promise. I kissed you because I like you. And I kind of want to keep kissing you.”

  
Carmilla grinned, and raised the hand that wasn’t holding Laura’s to cup the back of Laura’s head. She pulled Laura closer to her, and then kissed Laura. She thought it might even be better than any of their kisses from the day before. Her kisses were still more rushed, like she wasn’t sure when she might get to kiss Laura again, and she wanted to make sure she wasn’t missing out on anything.

  
“Carm, slow down,” Laura laughed at one point, pulling away from Carmilla slightly. I’m not going anywhere, alright? So just take your time.”

  
“Sorry,” Carmilla said, abashed. “It’s just… I’ve never had a girlfriend before.”

  
Laura practically squealed as she covered Carmilla’s lips with her own again. Girlfriend. She really did love the sound of that.  
Carmilla let Laura take the lead, slowing down and savoring the kiss more. She didn’t know how her life could get any better than it was at that moment, but when Laura’s lips parted, and her tongue brushed against Carmilla’s lip, Carmilla felt like she might actually start purring; she was so happy.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After they started dating, Carmilla felt like her days had become a blur of different things that made her smile: waking up every morning to a ‘good morning’ text from Laura; going straight to Laura’s apartment after work every day and making dinner for them; spending time after dinner hanging out, talking, and––the best part––kissing. If Carmilla had her way, she could spend all day kissing Laura.

  
But one of her favorite things was watching TV shows or movies with Laura. They’d done it for months, but now that they were officially a couple, it was different. Carmilla always sat at the end of the couch, her back against the armrest. She’d bend her right knee, resting her leg against the back of the couch, and she’d let her left leg dangle off the edge of the couch. And then Laura would nestle in against her, slouching lower into the couch so that her head rested on Carmilla’s chest. Usually, Laura would have a bowl of popcorn in her lap and they’d share it throughout the movie, but Carmilla always loved when they finished the popcorn. As soon as Laura set the bowl on the coffee table, Carmilla would drape her arms over Laura’s shoulder, hugging her from behind, and Laura would raise one of her hands to hold Carmilla’s while they watched the rest of the movie. It really didn’t even matter what they were watching; movie nights were some of Carmilla’s favorites.

  
That Friday, Carmilla was looking down at Laura’s profile, oblivious to whatever movie Laura had chosen for them to watch that night. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was to be there, with Laura curled up in her lap, holding tightly to her hand. It had been over a week now, and Carmilla still couldn’t believe it.

  
“You sleeping over?” Laura asked as the credits rolled, twisting slightly to look at Carmilla.

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla answered, smiling. “I never work on Saturdays, so I always stay over, remember?”

  
“I just figured I’d check now that we’re actually dating,” Laura teased. “I thought maybe you’d be trying to keep up your air of mystery or something.”

  
“Air of mystery?” Carmilla asked, raising her eyebrows. “Do you not remember seeing me get pushed out of a car by a john, and then sitting with me during my entire detox process? When it comes to you, I really don’t think I’ve got much of an air of mystery left.”

  
Laura laughed and patted her hands on Carmilla’s knees before pushing herself up. “This is true. I guess you’ll just have to keep the air of mystery for everyone _but_ me.”

  
Carmilla got up, grabbed her backpack with her pajamas and her change of clothes, and headed towards the guest room.  
“Where are you going?” Laura asked, watching Carmilla with her head slightly tilted.

  
“To get ready for bed,” Carmilla said flatly, raising the backpack to show Laura.

  
Laura held her hand out to Carmilla, and when Carmilla took it, she pulled Carmilla into her own bedroom. “I thought maybe you could sleep here tonight,” she said, waving her hands in a sweeping gesture over her bed.

  
Carmilla thought that her heart might burst on the spot. She dropped her backpack and stepped closer to Laura, her eyes skimming from Laura’s eyes to her mouth. She waited for a second, and then tilted down slightly and kissed Laura. Their lips brushed against each other a few times, and then Carmilla pulled back, and touched her forehead to Laura’s.

  
“I’d love to.”

 

Once they’d both finished getting ready for bed, and had both changed into their pajamas (pajama pants and a tank top for Laura and black leggings and a dark tank top for Carmilla. Carmilla still wore her leather wristlet as well.), Laura climbed into her side of the bed and tossed back the covers, inviting Carmilla to join her.

  
Carmilla slid into bed, so that she was facing Laura, and snuggled into her pillow as Laura threw the blanket over them. They weren’t too close––just close enough that when they were curled up, their knees bumped, and Carmilla reached out and rested her hand on Laura’s waist, her thumb running over Laura’s side.

  
“G’night Carm,” Laura said, shifting forward enough to kiss Carmilla.

  
“Good night,” Carmilla answered. She fell asleep quickly, her knees just barely touching Laura’s; her hand resting on Laura’s ribs, smiling from ear to ear.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Carmilla didn’t stay over at Laura’s apartment every night. It started out with just that one Friday night, but after that it didn’t take much for Laura to convince Carmilla to stay over. Carmilla thought that maybe this was her new favorite part of their relationship. There was something about falling asleep next to Laura that made her heart feel all warm and fuzzy.

  
On Saturdays, Carmilla usually woke up before Laura and made breakfast for both of them, but during the week, when Laura started work at 8:00 but Carmilla didn’t work until 10:00, Laura always let Carmilla sleep in. And even though Carmilla wasn’t even awake to notice it, Laura always kissed her on the forehead before she left for work in the morning. And Carmilla loved waking up in Laura’s apartment, even if she did wake up after Laura was already gone. Even without Laura there, the apartment was starting to feel like home for Carmilla. Laura had even presented Carmilla with a key to the apartment, and ever since, Carmilla couldn’t help but grin every time she reached for her keys.

  
Carmilla was sitting in Laura’s apartment, reading _Strength in What Remains_ while she waited for Laura to get home from work. A few times a week, Carmilla had started heading to Laura’s apartment after she got off work. Laura always got home before Carmilla, but she’d gotten caught up with a new family at her shelter, and she’d texted Carmilla to let her know that she wouldn’t be home until later. And so Carmilla waited, glancing up at the door every once in a while.

  
Laura didn’t get home until nearly 8:30, when Carmilla was already almost finished with her book. She leaned over the back of the sofa to give Carmilla a quick peck of a kiss. “Hey,” she said, walking over to one of the armchairs and dropping into it, and letting her bag fall to the floor.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla said, tucking a piece of paper into the book and setting it down on the coffee table. She ran her fingers through her hair, flipping her dark hair to the opposite side. “What happened?”

  
“It was so sad,” Laura said, her hands in her lap and her eyes bright with tears. “This fifteen year old boy came in, black eye and arm still in a cast, and he was holding his little brother’s hand, and his little brother was crying. So I brought them in and started the intake session that I usually do. It was just,” Laura shrugged her shoulders, looking defeated, “I can’t imagine how these kids live like that. Their mother’s an alcoholic, and their dad left years ago, and their mother is just horrible. She threw the older kid down a flight of stairs and broke his arm. That was a week ago. And then today she smacked him across the face, which gave him the black eye. And he does everything in that house––he cooks, he cleans, he makes sure he and his little brother get to school and everything on time.”

  
Carmilla watched Laura, and although her face was impassive, she felt her heart breaking. She couldn’t stop thinking of Brody and his story of his family. She wondered if he was still hanging out at the recovery shelter, not quite ready to be out on his own in the world.

  
“So they came in, but the only family they’ve got is their mom’s sister, and she lives halfway across the country! It’s not fair to uproot them and send them to a totally new environment just because their mother’s such an awful person. I had to call child services, we’re legally obligated to, and we ended up getting into an hours-long argument over where to send the kids for the night. We’re not really supposed to keep them in the shelter without a parent or guardian to stay with them. But child services couldn’t find a foster home that would take both of them, and I really didn’t want to split them up.”

  
“What’d you do?” Carmilla asked softly.

  
“They had to go to separate homes for the night,” Laura said, her face crumpling as she looked like she was about to start crying.

“Come here,” Carmilla said, holding her arms open for Laura.

  
“Actually, I’d kind of like to be alone tonight,” Laura said softly. “It’s just been a really long day, and I just kind of need to take some time for myself to recharge.”

  
“Yeah, sure,” Carmilla said, although she felt her heart sink. “Call me if you need me, alright?” Carmilla grabbed her book from the coffee table and headed toward the door.

  
“Carm, wait,” Laura said, grabbing Carmilla’s hand. She pulled Carmilla back and kissed her softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
“Sure thing, cupcake,” Carmilla said, smiling sadly. “I hope you feel better.”

  
Carmilla headed home, her heart feeling heavy. She was getting used to curling up with Laura every night, and spending so much of her time with Laura. She had thought that things were moving a bit fast between her and Laura, but she’d never really had a relationship that she could compare it to. And she loved it––she honestly couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather spend her time, or anyone she’d rather spend it with.

 

As Carmilla made her way home, she felt the old, familiar cravings creeping back up. It had been a little more than six months since she’d gotten sober, but whenever she started to feel even a little down, for whatever reason, she felt like there was a voice in the back of her head, reminding her how beautiful heroin made everything seem. Most of the time, she was strong enough to push those thoughts away without much effort, but sometimes it was much, much harder.

  
Carmilla reached into her pocket, instinctively moving to call Laura. But her finger froze just above the send button. Laura had already had a difficult day at work, Carmilla didn’t need to complicate it any further. Carmilla thought about calling Ms. Brown for a moment, but she only had Ms. Brown’s work number, at the front desk of the recovery shelter, and she wasn’t even sure if Ms. Brown was working. So she shoved her phone back into her pocket and continued trudging towards her apartment, a debate raging in her head with each step.

  
At every street corner, Carmilla would start calculating the fastest route to Mark’s house, the fastest route to another hit. A few times, she even came to a stop, rolling from her heels to the balls of her feet, fighting with herself, before forcing herself to continue on to her apartment.

  
It felt like it took her ages to get back to the safety of her apartment. Carmilla slammed the door behind her, flipping the locks quickly, and sinking to the ground, her back against the door. She felt exhausted, and she hated herself for having such a hard time getting home. She used to find shelter in the city’s streets, and the way she could find her way through them no matter where in the city she was. She hated that now the very streets she used to call home now felt like a threat to her––an invitation to fall back into her old habits. Habits that very well could have killed her.

  
It took Carmilla another hour just to drag herself away from the door and drop into bed. She never checked her phone; never saw Laura’s texts.

 

Laura: _Carm, I’m sorry for sending you away like that. I love being with you, I really do. Today was just really overwhelming. And honestly, you always seem so strong I guess I was kind of scared what you’d think of me if you saw me break down. It was silly, I’m sorry. Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow? I promise I won’t try to cook anything._  
Laura: _Let me know when you make it home. I know you’re tough and everything, but I just want to know you’re safe. With your skull painting._  
Laura: _I hope you made it home by now. Sleep well, Carm. xo_

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The next evening, Carmilla was in her apartment, reading. She’d decided to just head home after work, even though Laura had asked if she’d wanted to come over for dinner. Despite Laura’s texts, Carmilla was still second-guessing things. She hadn’t heard anything from Laura since her texts from the night before, so she figured she’d just wait until she heard from her again. And after her struggle against her cravings the night before, Carmilla was still feeling a little shaken up.

  
Carmilla had been home for nearly two hours when there was a knock at the door. She got up lazily, walking slowly to the door. She flipped the lock and pulled the door open, leaning against the door frame.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, looking up slightly to meet Carmilla’s eyes. She was wringing her hands together, and seemed unsure of what she should say next.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla replied. She didn’t know why she was being so distant, just that things between her and Laura felt off to her.

  
“Can I come in?” Laura asked, glancing past Carmilla. Carmilla just nodded and stepped out of the way, letting Laura past her. Laura walked straight into the living room, shooting an uncomfortable glance at the painting of the skull. She sat down on the futon, and watched as Carmilla walked across the apartment and took a seat in one of the armchairs across from her.

  
“What’s up?” Carmilla asked, trying to keep a straight face.

  
“What’s up?” Laura repeated incredulously, raising her eyebrows. “Carm, you haven’t talked to me since last night! You never even answered my texts. What’s going on?”

  
“We don’t need to talk about it,” Carmilla said, though her tone suggested the opposite.

  
“I think maybe it is,” Laura replied, frowning slightly. She waited for Carmilla to say something, but when Carmilla remained silent, Laura said, “I didn’t ask you to leave last night because I didn’t want you there. I just––you always seem so strong, and you’ve been through so much, and I just wasn’t ready for you to see me break down. I spent half the night just crying, and I guess it’s stupid, but I didn’t want you to think I was weak or something.”

  
“I’m not strong,” Carmilla said softly, thinking of how hard it had been for her to get home the night before, when all she’d wanted to do was get high. “And I wish you’d stop painting me like I did this all on my own. I never would’ve recovered without you and everyone at the shelter.”

  
Laura looked at Carmilla like she was realizing something for the first time. “Still, it took a lot for you to get clean. I just felt like me crying my eyes out over a long day at work was weak.”

  
“Caring about other people isn’t weak,” Carmilla said, her voice so quiet Laura could barely hear her.

  
Silence stretched between them, Carmilla staring at her hands in her lap; Laura watching Carmilla. Laura was impressed by Carmilla’s ability to go so long without saying anything, especially when Laura could tell that something was on her mind.

  
“Come on, Carm, this relationship’s not going to get very far if we can’t talk to each other,” Laura said gently, reaching out to squeeze Carmilla’s hand. “What’s going on?”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes before she started talking. “I guess I was just surprised when you asked me to leave.” Carmilla paused for a moment before adding, “Are things going too fast for you? We were… just friends, for months. Then we kissed, we started dating, and all of a sudden we’re sleeping in the same bed. I just… I don’t really have anything to compare this to. I don’t want to overstep either. I know you’re demisexual, and I don’t want to push you faster than you’re comfortable.”

  
“Carmilla, I was the one who asked if I could kiss you. I’m the one that assured you that yes, we are a couple, and I’m the one who asked you to sleep over. It’s not going too fast for me.”

  
“I guess I just thought that you’d move a little slower. Honestly? You were the first person to tell me anything about demisexuality, I just don’t really understand much about it.”

  
Carmilla glanced up at Laura, and she was surprised to find Laura smiling slightly.

  
“You should’ve just asked,” Laura said, laughing. “Demisexuality’s different for everyone, but essentially it just means that I don’t really feel attracted to someone until I get to know them. Okay, how long did it take for you to feel attracted to me?”

  
Carmilla stared at Laura for a minute, before she practically whispered, “Possibly when I was cursing at you when you ran into me on the sidewalk. I kind of hated you, but I still thought you were hot.”

  
“That’s a more ‘normal’ type of sexuality,” Laura said, signing air quotes as she said ‘normal.’ “Where as for me, I could tell that you were pretty, obviously, but I really didn’t feel any kind of attraction to you until after I’d already known your for a few months. The reason things have moved so fast since then is because by the time I realized I was attracted to you, I already knew you so well. When I asked if I could kiss you, I felt like I was asking you out. And when I asked if you’d sleep with me––well, I mean in the same bed––you’d already been sleeping over every weekend. It didn’t seem that weird for you to just switch bedrooms.”

  
Carmilla got up from the armchair, sat on the futon next to Laura, and smiled as Laura leaned against her, dropping her head onto Carmilla’s shoulder. “And even though I’ve known you for months now, and we’ve started dating, but occasionally I might still need some time on my own every once in a while.” Laura twisted slightly, sliding her hand across Carmilla’s stomach, and leaned up to kiss her. “Just promise me you’ll try to let me know when something’s bothering you? Just because I studied psychology doesn’t mean I can read your mind.”

  
Carmilla smiled, raising her hand to stroke the back of Laura’s head, running her fingers lightly over Laura’s hair. “I’ll work on it, creampuff.”

  
Laura laughed. “You come up with the funniest pet names.”

  
That was the first night Laura spent the night in Carmilla’s bed. She was curled up against Carmilla, the hair on the back of her neck standing up slightly when she felt Carmilla’s breath against her neck. She didn’t know if Carmilla was still awake, but she whispered, “I like sleeping here. Especially now that I get to sleep in the bedroom, instead of in the living room, with that creepy skull.”

  
Carmilla laughed, and pressed a kiss to the back of Laura’s neck. “I like sleeping here better with you in the bedroom too.” She draped her arm over Laura’s waist, and smiled again as Laura grabbed her hand, and nestled back further against Carmilla.

  
It took Carmilla awhile to fall asleep. She couldn’t stop thinking about Laura, and how everything and every place was just better when Laura was there. When Carmilla was at Laura’s apartment, it felt like home. And now that Laura was in Carmilla’s apartment, Carmilla’s apartment felt more like home too. Maybe, Carmilla thought, Laura was all she needed to feel at home.


	12. A Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla plans something special for her and Laura's one-month anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of addiction and prostitution

“When’s your birthday?” Laura asked, looking up at Carmilla. They were in Laura’s apartment, and Carmilla was sitting on the bed, leaning back against the headboard, playing with Laura’s hair. Laura was laying across the bed, her head in Carmilla’s lap.

  
“Why?” Carmilla asked, though she was smiling.

  
“Well, we’re coming up on one month together, and I was just thinking about other important things that we could celebrate,” Laura replied, her eyes sparkling as she looked up at Carmilla. “Especially if it involves cake. Perry loves baking, she practically runs a bakeshop for everyone’s birthdays. Mine, Laf’s, literally every single person in her family, Danny…” Laura trailed off, nervous about mentioning Danny around Carmilla.

  
“It’s been a long time since I celebrated a birthday,” Carmilla said softly. “The last birthday I really enjoyed was my eighteenth. But… that was because I could finally leave my mother.”

  
“Come on, Carm,” Laura pleaded. “It’s not like your birthday’s coming up anytime soon, just tell me when it is! And then I can plan something special for you when it does come around. Trust me, birthdays are much better when you have a girlfriend to plan something for you.”

  
“I’ve got a few suggestions for things you could plan,” Carmilla teased, her voice low as she tried to be seductive.

  
“Oh really?” Laura asked, raising an eyebrow. “If it involves surprise parties and delicious homemade cakes, we might already be on the same page. Come on! Just tell me when your birthday is so I don’t have to break out my investigative skills to figure it out. I’m sure I could find something in public records.”

  
“Alright, alright,” Carmilla said, running her fingers through her ever-curly hair. “It’s December 17.”

  
“Are you serious?” Laura asked, sitting up, and turning to look at Carmilla. “That was like three months ago! You couldn’t have mentioned that any earlier? We could have celebrated it! Jeez, Carm, now I’ve got to wait nine months to throw a party for you, silly.”

  
“I guess you’ll just have to plan something special for the one-month anniversary,” Carmilla said, leaning forward to kiss Laura.

  
“We’ll see about that,” Laura said, laughing into the kiss.

  
“Well, what about you?” Carmilla asked, pulling away, her hand still resting on the back of Laura’s head. “When’s your birthday? I might like planning the occasional surprise, for the right person.”

  
“June 8,” Laura answered. “So it’s coming up soon, you should probably start planning something.”

  
“Laur, that’s in like three months,” Carmilla laughed. “I think I can manage.”

  
“I expect great things,” Laura said, before kissing Carmilla again, pushing her back into the mattress. She swung her leg over Carmilla’s legs, so her knees were on either side of Carmilla’s hips. She had one hand on Carmilla’s jaw, her thumb brushing against Carmilla’s cheek. Her other hand was on Carmilla’s side, her fingers twisting into Carmilla’s shirt.

  
Carmilla couldn’t stop smiling between each kiss, her hands running over Laura’s back. This was exactly what she looked forward to every day. Spending time with Laura was the highlight of each day, and when she spent that time kissing Laura, it made it even better.

  
Laura slid her hand under Carmilla’s shirt, tracing her fingers over Carmilla’s ribs. Carmilla leaned up into her touch, biting Laura’s bottom lip again. As she sat up, Laura reached for the hem of Carmilla’s shirt and pulled, easing it up over Carmilla’s arms and head.

  
As soon as her shirt was off, it was like someone had flipped a switch: Carmilla wasn’t in Laura’s bedroom anymore, she was back in one of the backseats of some john’s car, trying to think of anything else as she did what she needed to to make a few bucks. Her heart started racing, she had to gasp for air, and she pushed Laura off her before she realized what she was doing.

  
“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” Carmilla gasped. As much as she tried to take a deep breath, she felt like she just could get enough air.

  
Laura shifted to Carmilla’s side, immediately shifting into caretaking mode, taking her hand and stroking her hair back out of her face. “Carm? It’s okay, Carm, it’s fine. I’m here, sweetie. Breathe, just breathe, alright?”

  
It took Carmilla more than half an hour to calm down, her grip on Laura’s hand tightening as she came back to herself. She was still lying on the bed, slightly propped up on the pillows, wearing just her pants and bra. She glanced up at Laura, who was sitting next to her, still holding Carmilla’s hand in both of hers.

  
“What happened?” Laura asked, passing Carmilla her shirt.

  
Carmilla pulled the shirt over her head before she started talking, “I just… I don’t know why. God, we were having such a good time, I’m such an idiot!”

  
“Just talk to me,” Laura said gently, squeezing Carmilla’s hand. “It was as soon as I took your shirt off. Did that trigger something?”

  
Carmilla nodded, frowning. “Yeah. It was like one minute I was here, with you, and everything was good, and then as soon as you took my shirt off, I was suddenly in the back of some guys car. I know it’s you, but I felt like I was letting someone do whatever they wanted just so I could afford another hit. I’m sorry, Laur, it’s just I’ve never really… done… this without being high.”

  
Laura’s throat felt thick as she ran her fingers over Carmilla’s forearm. “I’m sorry, Carm. I shouldn’t have pushed for more than you were ready for.” She hated the thought of Carmilla’s past, when she’d slept with strangers just to make enough money to stay high. But she couldn’t think of anything she could say to make it right, or at the very least make Carmilla feel a little better.

  
“It’s not you,” Carmilla said, punching the mattress at her side. Even though it was the hand that Laura wasn’t holding, Laura still jumped slightly. “I’m just sick of being so fucked up, alright cupcake?”

  
“Carm,” Laura said, practically in tears. “You’re not… Yes, you’ve had a crazy hard life, but look at you! You’re doing amazing things, you’ve got a job, you’ve got your own apartment, and… you’ve got me. We all have parts of ourselves that we have to work on to get to where we want to be.”

  
“Some of us more than others,” Carmilla scoffed.

  
Laura didn’t know what else she could say to try and make Carmilla feel better, so instead she just laid down, and curled into her girlfriend. Carmilla shifted so that her arm was around Laura’s shoulders, and Laura nestled her head into Carmilla’s shoulder, letting her hand slide across Carmilla’s waist to rest on her side.

  
“You know that I’m here for you no matter what, right?” Laura asked, looking up at Carmilla.

  
Carmilla smiled slightly, pressing a kiss to the top of Laura’s forehead. “I know.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After Laura’s disastrous attempt to remove Carmilla’s shirt, she dialed things back and they started moving much more slowly. Although Laura still ran her hands all over Carmilla, she never slipped her hands under Carmilla’s clothes, and she didn’t try to take her shirt off again. She figured that it was up to Carmilla: when Carmilla was read for more, she could be the one to make the move.

  
For her part, Carmilla started just tried to forget that it had ever happened. She didn’t want to bring it up around Laura, for fear that Laura would try to bring her psychology degree into it, and everytime she did try to think about it, she just started to feel either panicked or ashamed all over again. So Carmilla just let it be. She spent a few less nights sleeping over at Laura’s; if she didn’t sleep over, there was a much smaller chance that she and Laura would go much further than kissing. Carmilla just figured that it would get easier with time.

 

  
The day of their one month anniversary, Carmilla decided that she wanted to do something special for her girlfriend. She’d never really had a serious relationship before, so even though one month didn’t seem like all that long, it was a big deal to Carmilla. And she suspected that it meant more to Laura than she let on, since Laura had only had one or two serious relationships. Carmilla talked to JP and shifted her schedule around so that she could have the day off, and that afternoon, when she knew that Laura would be in the middle of her counseling sessions with some of her families, Carmilla headed over to Laura’s apartment to get things ready.

  
There wasn’t too much to do; Carmilla had ordered dinner and asked to have it delivered. But she still wanted to do something special for Laura. She still couldn’t quite believe that they were actually together, and no matter how many times Laura insisted that she just wanted Carmilla to be comfortable, Carmilla was still afraid that she was going to lose Laura. She could never quite shake the feeling that she wasn’t, and never would be, good enough for her girlfriend. She had to do something special to show Laura how much she meant to her. Carmilla couldn’t lose her.

 

By the time Carmilla heard Laura’s key in the lock, she’d just finished laying out dinner (steak, brussel sprouts, and butternut squash). There were chocolate-covered strawberries in the refrigerator, and Carmilla had a bottle of champagne on the table, waiting to be popped.

  
“Hey, you,” Carmilla said, crossing to the door when Laura came in.

  
“Carm?” Laura said, jumping slightly before pulling the door shut. “Holy Hufflepuff, you scared me. What’s going on?” Laura looked around at everything Carmilla had set out, and then up at Carmilla, whose lips were curled into a tiny smirk, her eyes sparkling as she watched Laura.

  
“Did you forget?” Carmilla asked, reaching out to grab Laura’s hips and pull her closer. “It’s our anniversary… well, for one month, at least.”

  
“I did forget,” Laura said, groaning as she dropped her head, letting her forehead hit Carmilla’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Carm, it’s just that work was so hectic today, and it just completely slipped my mind! That kid that was trying to get away from his mother was in again, and I just kind of forgot about everything else.”

  
Carmilla felt her heart sink, and she changed the subject before Laura could talk too much about her job. Usually, Carmilla would’ve loved to sit and listen to Laura talk about her job, but she wanted that night to be special, and she didn’t think it could be if she was busy thinking about a mother abusing her kids.

  
“Come on, Laur, let’s have dinner,” Carmilla said, taking Laura’s hand and leading her towards the dining room. “I wanted to take you out stargazing,” Carmilla said, her voice deep as she chose her words slowly. “I’ve always loved the stars; they’re very… comforting. But, seeing as I don’t have a car, I thought we’d just have to settle for this.”

  
“This looks amazing, Carm, thank you!” Laura said, taking a seat at the dining room table. “You didn’t need to do all this! I would have been happy to just hang out and watch a movie with you.”

  
“I know,” Carmilla said. “But I thought that maybe if I did something special, I might earn some kind of thanks.”

  
Laura raised her eyebrows. That was the most bold Carmilla had been in their entire relationship, and Laura was a little taken aback. But she was at least glad that Carmilla was getting more and more comfortable with her. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to see what exactly you’ve got in store for the night.”

  
Carmilla grinned, and grabbed the champagne bottle. She tried to play it cool, but she’d never actually opened one before, and she was afraid of getting a faceful of bubbles. So Carmilla eased the cork out, twisting back and forth carefully, until finally she freed it with a loud pop. She couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief when she wasn’t immediately greeted with a shower of bubbles. She’d only ever seen champagne on TV, when it seemed to just spray everywhere.

  
“You’ve never done this before, have you?” Laura asked, her eyes bright. She laughed as Carmilla shook her head, but her smile dropped slightly as she realized that Carmilla was pouring two glasses of champagne. “So you’re drinking now?”

  
“Just a tiny bit,” Carmilla said softly, filling her glass only halfway. “Cheers,” Carmilla said, raising her glass and clinking it against Laura’s.

  
“Cheers,” Laura echoed, taking a sip of champagne. Laura cut into her steak and ate the first bite, her eyes widening slightly as she took a sip of champagne afterwards. “Carm, did you cook this? This is incredible!”

  
“No,” Carmilla laughed. “I know I make decent food, but I wanted to leave this one to the experts. And I’ve been told that burning down your girlfriend’s apartment is a poor surprise.”

  
“Yeah, that may have been a good decision,” Laura said, laughing lightly. “So have you just been sitting in my apartment all day?”

  
“Just all afternoon,” Carmilla said. “But I was mostly just reading.”

  
“I’ve never met anyone that reads as much as you do,” Laura commented. “It’ll come in handy if you decide to go to college.”

  
“ _When_ I go back,” Carmilla said mildy. “I’m going back to school, Laura.”

  
Laura paused, studying her girlfriend, before she said, “You’re amazing. You fought your way through recovery, and now you’re really not going to let anything get in your way, are you?”

  
Carmilla smiled, although she felt her stomach flip. She knew Laura meant well when she praised Carmilla for getting over her addiction, but Carmilla didn’t feel like she’d earned it. She’d been sober for barely more than six months, and she still sometimes found herself daydreaming about pressing a needle into the crook of her arm. But now that she was dating Laura, she couldn’t bring herself to tell Laura about her cravings. She didn’t want anything to get in the way of their relationship; it meant too much to her.

  
“We should take a weekend trip or something,” Carmilla said halfway through dinner. “Just take a couple days. We could camp, watch the stars come out at night and the sun rise in the morning. Get out of the city, just you and me.”

  
“You know, I actually do have a bit of camping gear,” Laura said, much more enthusiastically than Carmilla had expected. “Danny and I used to go camping every once in a while when we were still in college, but we never had much time for it once we both started working.”

  
Carmilla bit her tongue. She knew that Laura had loved Danny, and Danny had been a huge part of her life for a long time, but even though Carmilla had never really known Danny, she still had to keep herself from making disparaging remarks about Laura’s ex-girlfriend. “Then we just need a car,” Carmilla said instead. “Pick a weekend and I’ll get off work.”

  
“Really?” Laura asked, sounding excited. She beamed when Carmilla nodded. “That would be so amazing, because I could really use a weekend away from the city and work and all––I mean, you know how much I love my job, and my families, but sometimes listening to the stories that some of the people have had to experience just makes me so angry. I think a weekend away would be really good for both of us!”

  
Carmilla smiled. Maybe she’d finally get to go stargazing with Laura––something she’d been daydreaming about long before she and Laura had started dating. “I actually know a lot about different constellations… and the mythology behind them.”

  
“I can’t wait to hear all about it,” Laura said, grinning broadly at Carmilla. “Why do you like the stars so much? You’ve mentioned it a few times, but you’ve never really said why.”

  
Carmilla played with her silverware as she answered, “It’s comforting, to think how small we are in comparison… we’re nothing to that light.”

  
“Well that’s cheerful,” Laura teased sarcastically.

  
“It’s just something that I used to think about, when I was still living with mother. I hated my life. Maybe it was because my dad took me stargazing and it reminded me of him. But I also liked the thought that maybe, everything I was going through couldn’t be that bad when it was such a short experience in comparison to the near-permanence of the stars.”

  
Laura smiled softly. Despite everything she’d been through, Carmilla had a way of looking at things that wasn’t nearly as pessimistic as she could have been.

  
“Come on, let’s get dessert,” Carmilla said, getting up from the table. It only took her a minute to clear the table and get everything loaded into the dishwasher (she really didn’t want to worry about dirty dishes later that night).

  
“Dessert?” Laura asked, picking up her glass of champagne. “Dinner was amazing, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for dessert.”

  
“I actually made dessert,” Carmilla replied, opening the refrigerator to get out the plate of strawberries she’d made that afternoon.

  
“That looks awesome,” Laura said eagerly, eyeing the plate as Carmilla carried it over to the coffee table.

“I have a few hidden talents,” Carmilla said, her voice low. She picked up one of the strawberries, and held it out to Laura, who giggled as she bit off the chocolate-covered end.

  
“I know that,” Laura teased, returning the favor by holding out a strawberry for Carmilla. Carmilla still felt awkward when she tried to flirt, but she slid her hand down Laura’s arm, cupping Laura’s hand in her own as she took a bite of the strawberry.

  
“Those turned out really good,” Carmilla commented, licking her lips after she’d finished the strawberry Laura had given her. She looked up at Laura, just in time to see Laura toss the stem of the strawberry back onto the plate and lean forward across the sofa, her fingers sliding through Carmilla’s hair as she leaned in for a kiss.

  
Carmilla kissed back, her tongue pressing against Laura’s lips for a moment before Laura parted her lips with a sigh. Usually, Carmilla let Laura take the lead, but now, she pushed slightly against Laura, so that Laura ended up lying back against the sofa, Carmilla leaning on top of her. Carmilla tried to convey all her feelings through that kiss, in the way her tongue moved against Laura’s, the way her lips brushed against her girlfriend’s. She reveled in the feeling of Laura’s hands on her: moving up and down her sides, Laura’s fingers tracing the shape of Carmilla’s muscles as she moved. Carmilla’s fingers slipped under the hem of Laura’s shirt. She smiled slightly as Laura moaned into the kiss, her back arching into Carmilla’s touch.

  
Feeling bold, and more confident than usual, Carmilla tugged gently at the bottom of Laura’s shirt. Laura immediately pushed herself up, and pulled her shirt over her head, her loosely curled hair falling back around her face as she tossed the shirt to the side.

  
“Can I…. ?” Laura asked, her fingers ghosting over the hem of Carmilla’s shirt.

  
Carmilla didn’t answer; instead, she unbuttoned her own shirt, tossing it to the side before turning back to press her lips against Laura’s.

  
“Carm, wait,” Laura said, pushing Carmilla slightly away from her. Carmilla pushed her weight away from Laura, propping herself up on her hands. “Let’s just, can we move this somewhere a little more comfortable?”

  
Carmilla nodded, got up from the couch, and held out her hand to Laura. As soon as Laura dropped her hand into Carmilla’s, Carmilla led the way into Laura’s bedroom. She tugged lightly on Laura’s hand, pulling her around so they were face to face again, and then she kissed Laura again, pushing against her until Laura landed on her back on the bed. Laura wrapped her hands around Carmilla’s back, and pulled her closer. Carmilla crouched over Laura, her knees on either side of Laura’s legs, one hand next to Laura’s head, the other running up Laura’s stomach towards her breasts.

  
Carmilla couldn’t believe how well the night was going, and she felt like the luckiest person on the planet as she ran her hands over Laura’s chest, her fingers slowly creeping their way towards Laura’s bra. She felt warm wherever Laura’s fingertips traced over her own skin, but as Laura’s hands moved closer to her waistband, Laura’s touch started to feel cold instead. She tried to push it out of her mind, but as Laura reached to unbutton Carmilla’s jeans, Carmilla froze up.

  
“I’m sorry,” Carmilla sighed, rolling to the side, lying on her back next to Laura, and staring at the ceiling. “I thought I could… I guess I’m just not ready yet, I’m sorry, Laur.”

  
“Can I try something?” Laura asked, rolling onto her side and propping herself up on her elbow as she looked over Carmilla.

  
“Sure,” Carmilla said, nodding cautiously. She was eager to see what Laura had in mind, but she was nervous about having yet another panic attack while they were together. She stayed almost completely still as Laura crawled over her and kissed Carmilla again. Carmilla let out a soft sigh as Laura moved to her neck, kissing under her jaw, and down her neck, biting lightly as she went.

  
Carmilla twisted her fingers through Laura’s hair, scratching against Laura’s scalp as Laura continued kissing gently down Carmilla’s neck, across her collarbone, and down her breastbone. Laura moved slowly, listening carefully to Carmilla in case her breathing picked up too much and she started to have a panic attack. But although Carmilla was breathing heavily, her hands were still in Laura’s hair, urging Laura to keep kissing her.

  
But as Laura neared the hem of Carmilla’s jeans, Carmilla pulled her away gently. “I’m sorry, Laur, I just can’t,” Carmilla sighed, frustrated with herself. “I’m just not ready for this yet.”

  
“Don’t worry about it,” Laura said, crawling up the bed to curl up alongside Carmilla again. She traced her fingers over Carmilla’s stomach, smiling as Carmilla raised her hand to stroke Laura’s hair.

  
“I just wanted tonight to be special,” Carmilla said, looking down at Laura.

  
“It has been special, Carm,” Laura insisted. “I couldn’t have asked for a better night with you. And I want to make sure that you’re comfortable. You’ve been through a lot, and I know you haven’t told me much about the things you did to get by and make money, but I know that it hasn’t been easy for you. This has been such an amazing night, I loved it. And you know we don’t need to sleep together so soon, right? I mean, not saying that I don’t want to of course, but I’m not going to like you any less just because you’re not quite ready yet, okay?”

  
“I know,” Carmilla said softly, turning to kiss Laura again. “And thank you. For not pushing me too much––not for this,” Carmilla motioned to herself and Laura. “I mean for not asking more about when I lived on the streets. There are some things I just don’t talk about.”

  
“I know you’ll talk when you’re ready,” Laura said confidently. “And I’ll be here.”

 

 

They spent nearly an hour more, just lying there, talking, curled up in each others arms. And as Carmilla fell asleep, Laura’s arm still draped over her bare stomach, she realized that she’d never felt as safe and as comfortable as she did just then.


	13. One Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An incident at work leaves Carmilla shaken and struggling to do the right thing; Laura worries about Carmilla, but decides that a weekend away needs to come sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: verbal/emotional abuse; addiction; drug use
> 
> Sorry everyone, things are going to get a little rough for Carmilla again. Addiction is hard, and most people don't get over it with such ease.

Nearly a week after their one month anniversary, Carmilla was headed to work early, covering for one of the part-timers at the bookshop. It was much earlier than she liked getting up, but she’d stayed over at Laura’s house the night before, and she was more cheerful than she usually felt that early in the day, especially since it meant that she and Laura were actually up and getting ready at the same time.

  
Carmilla couldn’t help but watch, a half-grin practically glued to her face, as Laura changed into her work clothes for the day. Laura pulled on her thin-legged dress pants, and turned to Carmilla, pulling on a button-up over her bra.

  
“What?” Laura asked with a laugh, raising her eyebrows as she looked Carmilla over.

  
“Nothing,” Carmilla answered. “Just enjoying the view.”

  
“You are ridiculous,” Laura teased, buttoning up her shirt and pulling on a well-fitted blazer. “Aren’t you headed out?”

  
“Yeah, I guess so,” Carmilla said, getting up from the bed. She crossed over to Laura, wrapped her arms around Laura’s shoulders, and pulled her in for a kiss. “I hope you have a great day, Laur.”

  
“Mm,” Laura sighed, biting her lip as Carmilla pulled back from the kiss. “I think you should get up early more often. I’ll see you for dinner?”

  
“Of course.”

  
Carmilla headed to work that morning with a broad smile, even nodding to people she passed on the sidewalk. She couldn’t think of a better way to start her day than with Laura.

  
“Good morning, Miss Karnstein,” JP said cheerfully as Carmilla came into the shop. “I have to admit, I was a little worried about having you here this early. I didn’t know if you had it in you to get here this early!”

  
“Yeah, every once in a while I like to surprise people,” Carmilla said, trying to hide a yawn behind her hand.

  
“Well, don’t worry, it should be a slow morning. We have a few regulars that come in for their coffee before heading to work, but other than that you should be able to just hang out, maybe get some reading done or something.”

  
“Sounds good,” Carmilla said, moving behind the counter and dropping her backpack on the floor next to her stool. “You’ve got inventory?”

  
“Yes, I’ll be in the back if you need me. We actually just got a shipment for that big release coming up next week, so I have to sort out what’s for that and what’s just our usual shipment. Give me a call if you need anything.”

  
Carmilla just nodded as she moved to the coffee maker to get herself some caffeine so she could get through the morning. By the time she’d mixed in her cream, JP was in the back, and Carmilla had the bookshop all to herself. She pulled out her book, _Fangirl_ , and started reading.

  
The regulars trickled in one by one, with just enough of a break between each customer for Carmilla to read a couple pages before the bell on the door rang again, announcing the arrival of yet another coffee-craving customer.

  
“An espresso with extra cream and a pinch of sugar?” Carmilla asked, holding out the coffee for the man waiting at the cash register. He took it gratefully, dropped his change into the tip jar, and headed on his way.

  
It was almost nine when Carmilla heard the bell ring again. She was at a particularly interesting part of the book, so she continued reading for a minute before the woman who’d entered the store interrupted her.

  
“Carmilla?”

  
Carmilla froze, the very blood in her veins running cold, her heart leaping into her throat at the sound of that voice. She set her book to the side, trying to keep her hands steady as she turned to face the customer. “What can I get for you today,” Carmilla said, her voice barely louder than a whisper, “Mother?”

  
“Is that really all you have to say to me?” Carmilla’s mother asked, her eyes icy as she stared at her daughter. She was smartly dressed, wearing a black pencil skirt and a black blazer. Her hair, just as dark as Carmilla’s, was pulled back into a slick ponytail, so tight that Carmilla thought it must hurt her.

  
“That is my job,” Carmilla replied coldly, her lips curling into a slight frown as she clenched her jaws. Her mind had already jumped into fight or flight mode, and it took all of Carmilla’s self-control to keep from sprinting out the door. She hadn’t seen her mother since she finished high school, she couldn’t believe that her mother was here, at her job, of all places.

  
“After everything you put me through, you don’t even have the decency to apologize to me? I knew you were worthless, but I never realized I’d raised you to be quite so rude.”

  
Carmilla’s shoulders sank, her heart sinking as she turned to the coffee pot to start making a new pot of coffee. She knew that she shouldn’t be surprised––after years of abuse at her mother’s hands, Carmilla wouldn’t be surprised by anything her mother was capable of. “Can you just tell me what you want so that I can make it and you can be on your way?” Her voice was dull, and she didn’t seem like herself. Carmilla hated the fact that it had taken less than a minute for her to fall apart all over again.

  
“Caffé Mocha, and make it fast. I’m running late.” Carmilla’s mother leaned against the counter, pulling out her phone and tapping at the screen.

  
Carmilla’s hands shook as she got her mother’s drink ready, pouring slowly for fear of spilling scalding coffee on herself.  
“Dear lord, you’re not even capable of making a damn coffee, are you? Perhaps you did me a favor by running away. I knew you would never amount to anything.”

  
“Can I help you?” JP asked, emerging from the back of the shop, crossing his arms as he stared down Carmilla’s mother.

  
“You could try to find someone who can actually do their job to replace this girl,” Carmilla’s mother said, waving dismissively at Carmilla.

  
“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” JP said, stepping between Carmilla and her mother. “I won’t have customers in here treating my employees like that.”

  
Carmilla mother glared at both of them before turning to leave. As she reached the door, she turned back to look at Carmilla. “When you end up watching your life fall apart around you, you know where to find me.”

  
Carmilla watched her mother leave, and as soon as the door swung shut behind her, Carmilla dropped to the floor, curling her knees to her chest and tucking her chin into her knees. Her entire body was shaking, and although she felt like she was about to cry, she just stared at the floor, her eyes practically glazed over as she stared.

  
“Carmilla?” JP asked, crouching next to her. “Carmilla, what happened? You’ve dealt with rude customers before, what’s wrong?”

  
“That…was my mother,” Carmilla choked out, trying to take deep enough breaths to calm herself down. Her mind was racing, trying to figure out how to get her heart to beat normally again, and how to get her body to stop trembling so badly.

  
“Ah,” JP said softly, understanding suddenly crossing his face. “I’m sorry, Carmilla. She’s been in here before, I had no idea who she was.”

  
“Can I leave early?” Carmilla asked suddenly, sitting up straighter. She knew exactly what she needed to do to calm herself down. When it came to her mother, especially when she was so unprepared to run into her, Carmilla was too weak to pull herself back together without help. “I’m sorry, I know it’s the beginning of my shift, but I just––”

  
“Of course, Miss Karnstein,” JP said, patting Carmilla gently on the arm. “Let me know when you make it home, will you?”

  
Carmilla nodded and pushed herself up from the floor. She was still trembling as she retrieved her backpack and tossed it over her shoulder. Her legs were shaking so badly she could barely figure out how to put one foot in front of the other as she headed out the door. Carmilla moved without really thinking about where she was going. Her mind was consumed with memories of her mother; memories that she’d fought to suppress for years. They flashed in front of her eyes like scenes from a horror movie:

  
_Carmilla was nine, and her mother refused to take her to the hospital to visit her father, whose condition was getting worse by the day._

  
_Carmilla was fourteen, and her mother dragged her through the house by Carmilla’s hair, all because she didn’t approve of the outfit Carmilla had changed into after school._

  
_Carmilla was sixteen, and the door to her bedroom was shaking as her mother tried to force her way in, despite the fact that Carmilla had pushed her dresser in front of the door. Carmilla was sitting in the corner, her knees curled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees. She didn’t even know what she’d done to make her mother so angry._

  
By the time Carmilla realized where she was, she was already standing on the porch of Mark’s house. Carmilla swallowed hard, staring at the front door. She was still so shaken up from her run-in with her mother that Carmilla could practically feel herself being dragged into the house in search of a hit of heroin, anything to make the pain her mother always caused her go away.

  
Carmilla thought of Laura, and her heart sank. Laura had done so much for her, and Carmilla couldn’t think of a worse way to repay her. Carmilla knew that she had to get herself away from that house, before she relapsed. She’d made so much progress, if she took so much as one more hit, Carmilla knew she’d fall right back into addiction. She didn’t want to do that to herself, and she certainly didn’t want to do it to Laura. Carmilla could practically see the look on Laura’s face if she did relapse, and it broke her heart.

  
But Carmilla was an addict, and as she stood outside the front door, she realized that she hadn’t put as much work into her rehab as she should have. She realized, with a sinking feeling, that she was too weak to walk away. Heroin had never been far from her mind since she’d first detoxed, and now that she was just standing there, so close, she realized that she was incapable of making herself turn away.

  
In her head, Carmilla knew that she ought to hate herself for being so weak, but as she knocked on Mark’s front door, all she could think about was how relieved she was to be so close to getting high for the first time in months.

  
“Carmilla,” Mark said, leaning diagonally across the doorframe. “I was wondering how long it’d take for you to show up again.”

  
“Are you going to let me in?” Carmilla asked, glaring up at her former dealer.

  
“What do you want?” Mark asked, leading the way into his house. “The usual?”

  
“Just one,” Carmilla replied, already pulling some cash from her wallet. She thought of Laura again, and she felt ashamed of herself as she traded cash for the tiny bundle Mark held out to her. “Can I hang out here, use your stuff?”

  
“Sure thing,” Mark said, motioning towards the living room. “You know where it is.”

  
Carmilla felt like she was fighting a battle that she knew she was going to lose as she walked into the living room, dropped her backpack on the floor, and collapsed into a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor. She found a spoon and a lighter, but as she searched for a needle, she remembered her trip to the doctor’s office, and how scared she’d been while she’d waited for the results.

  
“Mark! Are there needles that haven’t been lying in lord-only-knows-what all week?” Carmilla demanded, her heart pounding. She just needed to get a fix; she needed to feel drugs coursing through her veins; she needed to get away and escape from her mother once and for all. Running away hadn’t done it. Putting her life back together and finally moving in the right direction hadn’t done it. Carmilla didn’t know what else to do.

  
“Here,” Mark said, shoving a new needle towards Carmilla. “I usually save this for the rich kids, but since you’re a good customer…”  
Carmilla took the needle, eager to feel the rush of heroin through her system, and the remarkable calm that she knew would follow. She fumbled with the rubber strap for a moment before she tied it successfully around her arm, using her teeth to pull it tight. She heated the drugs in her spoon, her heart hammering faster in anticipation of the hit. Finally, it was ready, and Carmilla pulled back on the plunger of the needle, drawing the heroin up into the needle.

  
When she’d been using, Carmilla used to take time to savor the build-up before she pressed the needle through her skin. But it had been too long, and Carmilla couldn’t wait any longer. She needed it. She found the vein easily, as though she’d never even stopped using in the first place. She pressed her thumb down, flushing her blood with a dose of heroin. She felt another twinge of guilt at the thought of Laura, but as she untied the rubber strap from her arm, her feelings of guilt were soon overwhelmed by the flood of calm that seemed to fill every part of her.

 

Carmilla had no idea how long she’d been out. She woke up on the floor of Mark’s living room, her backpack next to her head, the spoon, lighter, rubber strap, and needle all scattered around her. She blinked contentedly, looking around.

  
“So,” Mark drawled from the sofa, taking lazy drags from a carefully rolled blunt, “What brings you back here? You were gone for so long, I figured you for prison or rehab.”

  
“I _was_ in rehab,” Carmilla replied, speaking even slower than usual.

  
“Guess it didn’t work very well.”

  
“‘It works if you work it,’” Carmilla scoffed. “Guess I didn’t work it particularly well.”

  
Mark just nodded empathetically.

  
“Mind if I hang out for a while?” Carmilla asked, already starting to drift back to sleep.

  
“No problem. Not like I’ve got anywhere to go.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura was just finishing up some paperwork for one of her families when her phone rang. She checked the caller ID, but didn’t recognize the number, so she frowned slightly as she pressed the phone to her ear.

  
“This is Laura,” she said.

  
“Ms. Hollis?” a man said on the other end.

  
“That’s me,” Laura answered, waiting for the man to get to the point.

  
“Sorry to bother you, I’m sure you are at work. This is JP, Carmilla’s boss. She listed you as her emergency contact.”

  
Laura’s heart rate immediately skyrocketed. “Is Carm okay? Did something happen?”

  
“She had a bit of an incident this morning,” JP said carefully. “I heard a customer being rather nasty with Carmilla. I kicked the woman out of the store, naturally, but when I asked Carmilla what had happened, Carmilla told me that the woman had been her mother.”

  
"Oh no." Laura’s heart sank, and she dropped her head into her hands, sighing heavily. Carmilla had already been through enough at her mother’s hands, she didn’t deserve to keep going through so much shit. “Is she still with you?” Laura asked.

  
“No, I sent her home. That’s why I’m calling, actually. I asked her to let me know when she got home. I worry about her, given her history.”

  
Laura nodded, even though she knew that JP couldn’t see her.

  
“But she hasn’t gotten in touch with me. She left nearly three hours ago, I would have expected to hear something by now. I was hoping perhaps you had heard from her.”

  
Laura frowned, her heart racing again. “No, I haven’t heard from her since she left this morning. Let me try getting ahold of her, I’ll give you a call when I hear something.”

  
“Thank you, Ms. Hollis,” JP said.

  
Laura hung up the phone, and stared dead ahead at the wall for a moment. Every worst-case scenario was already starting to run through her head. She dialed Carmilla’s number and held the phone to her ear. She just needed to hear Carmilla’s voice, to know that she was alright. But the phone just rang and rang, without Carmilla ever answering. The answering machine eventually picked up.

  
“Hey, Carm, it’s me. JP called and said you left work a few hours ago, and he hadn’t heard anything. Just wanted to make sure you’re alright. Call me, okay?”

 

Laura checked her phone every couple of minutes for the next hour, desperate for Carmilla to get in touch with her. But soon, afternoon rolled around, and Laura had to go to her counseling sessions with her families. She sighed and switched her phone to silent, sending a text message before heading out of her office.

  
_Carmilla, I’m getting worried. Please just let me know that you’re alright._

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When Carmilla woke up a few hours later, it was nearly time for Laura to be getting home from work. She sat up with a start. The heroin had worn off; she didn’t feel calm anymore––Carmilla just needed to get home before Laura figured anything out.

  
“Leaving already?” Mark asked as she got up and gathered her things. She hesitated for a second before slipping the needle she’d used into her backpack. “Want anything for the road?”

  
Carmilla hated herself more than she’d ever thought possible as she said, “I’ve two hundred with me, give me whatever that gets.” Carmilla had gotten the cash out two days earlier, so that she could pay part of her rent right away. But then she’d ended up staying at Laura’s, and the cash had remained in her backpack.

  
Mark packaged up a bundle for her, and set it on the counter, just out of Carmilla’s reach as he counted out her money. Once he was satisfied that it was all there, he handed the bundle to Carmilla, and walked her out.

  
“I’m here whenever you need more, babe!” Mark called, waving at Carmilla as she headed down the street.

 

Carmilla walked briskly back to her apartment. She felt sick to her stomach every time she thought about shooting up that afternoon, and yet she still wanted to stop before she got home, just so she could get high again. The calm, numbing feeling that heroin always gave her had worn off, and Carmilla needed to feel numb again. It was so much better than everything she was feeling at that moment.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When Laura got home from work that evening, she still hadn’t heard anything from Carmilla. She rushed home, hoping that when she got back to her apartment, Carmilla would be curled up on the couch, a book resting on her legs as she read. She was practically holding her breath as she turned her key in the lock and eased the door open.

  
“Carm?” she called hopefully, pulling the door shut behind her. She dropped her bag at the door, her heart sinking; she could already tell that Carmilla wasn’t there. All the lights were off, and none of Carmilla’s usual adornments (her jacket, backpack, or shoes) were in their usual places. Still, Laura was hopeful. Maybe Carmilla had just gone to sleep early, drained from her run-in with her mother. Laura hurried through the apartment, checking her room first, and then the guest room. She’d already known they would be empty, but she still felt worried and anxious when she didn’t find Carmilla.

  
Laura checked her phone again. She still hadn’t heard from Carmilla, and by now, it had been nearly ten hours since Carmilla had left the bookshop that morning. Laura grabbed her keys and headed out the door. If Carmilla wasn’t going to tell Laura where she was, Laura would just have to go find her.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When Carmilla got back to her apartment, she went straight to the bedroom. She dropped her backpack next to her bed and crawled in, laying on top of the covers. She felt as though there were a gaping hole in chest where her heart should have been. She’d let everyone down: JP, Ms. Brown, Laura. But worst of all, she’d let herself down. Before that morning, Carmilla really thought she’d done well with her recovery. But her mother had ruined everything in a matter of minutes. As Carmilla thought of everything that had happened that day, she wanted nothing more than to cry, but she didn’t seem to have any tears.

  
Carmilla moved robotically, barely able to control her emotions as she rolled over and reached into her backpack. She felt like the weight of the empty feeling in her chest would crush her if she didn’t have another hit. Her muscles seemed to know what to do without her brain having to work too hard; before she even realized it, she’d drawn the liquid heroin into the syringe and tied the rubber strap around her arm. The bite of the rubber was familiar, and comforting. It meant that soon, everything would be alright again.

  
As Carmilla injected the heroin into her veins, she rolled her head back on her shoulders, her mouth slightly agape. It just felt so good.

  
Carmilla tucked her supplies away into her nightstand before curling back up on her bed, still dressed in the skinny jeans and black top she’d worn to work that morning. She stared at the wall, a few tears finally rolling down her face before the heroin really hit, and she suddenly felt lighter; all her problems had simply been erased.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura’s hands were shaking as she unlocked Carmilla’s door, grateful now that Carmilla had insisted on giving her a key to the apartment, ‘just in case.’ Laura walked into the apartment quietly, looking around for Carmilla. She eased the door shut behind her, but didn’t lock it. If Carmilla wasn’t there, Laura would be out again in a heartbeat, headed to the bookshop or the shelter, or anywhere that there was even the tiniest chance of finding Carmilla.

  
When Laura pushed open the door to the bedroom, and saw Carmilla lying on her side, her knees curled up to her chest, she felt as though an invisible fist that had been squeezing her heart had finally released her. Carmilla was safe.

  
“Carm?” Laura asked softly, moving towards the edge of the bed.

  
Carmilla heard Laura, but she didn’t move. She shut her eyes, and prayed that Laura would just assume she was asleep. She couldn’t handle the look of disappointment on Laura’s face if she realized what Carmilla had done.

  
“Carm, you awake?” Laura asked, her voice so soft. She touched her fingertips to Carmilla’s shoulder, and when Carmilla didn’t stir at all, she sighed. Carmilla must be asleep. Laura went back into the living room and grabbed the blanket she’d bought for Carmilla as a house-warming gift. She went back to the bedroom and set it on the bed. She was going to tuck Carmilla into bed, but she realized that Carmilla was still wearing her worn-out old combat boots. Gently, Laura untied the laces and eased the boots off.  
Carmilla stayed stiff, too high to truly feel afraid, but nervous nonetheless that Laura would realize she was just pretending to be asleep.

  
Once Laura had gotten Carmilla’s shoes off, she grabbed the blanket again and pulled it over Carmilla, double checking to make sure that Carmilla was covered from her shoulders down to her toes. Then, she headed back into the living room to call JP and let him know that Carmilla was home, safe and sound, and seemed to just need some rest.

  
Carmilla heard Laura on the phone, assuring JP that everything was alright, and she felt another surge of self-hatred. She couldn’t believe she’d done this to Laura; she couldn’t believe she’d screwed up everything she’d done right in the past few months. She kept her eyes tightly shut as Laura came back into the room and crawled into bed with Carmilla. Carmilla almost winced, ashamed of herself, as Laura put her arm around Carmilla and snuggled up against her, Laura’s forehead resting against Carmilla’s chest.

  
“Good night, Carm,” Laura said, kissing Carmilla’s chest, just above her heart.

  
As Carmilla laid there, her girlfriend curled up against her, she realized that even with the heroin flowing through her veins, she still hated herself. She couldn’t even imagine how horrible she’d feel the next morning, when she woke up and didn’t even have the drugs in her system anymore to keep her numb.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The next morning, Laura announced that she’d talked to JP, and she’d arranged for Carmilla to have the weekend off so that they could take their camping trip.

  
“Wait, what?” Carmilla demanded, finally looking up from her bowl of cereal. Laura had called in sick to work so that she could stay with Carmilla and make sure that everything was okay, but Carmilla still seemed to be on edge. She’d even turned away when Laura had kissed her good morning, so that Laura’s lips just brushed against her cheek.

  
“JP’s worried about you, Carm,” Laura said, sitting down across from Carmilla, whose long dark hair was pulled up into a messy bun. She was wearing a baggy sweatshirt––mostly to hide the nasty bruise that had formed in the crook of her elbow––and there were dark circles under her eyes (although Laura had just assumed that the dark circles were because Carmilla hadn’t slept well after the run-in with her mother). “Honestly, I’m worried about you too. I think it would be good for us to get out of here for a weekend. And the weather’s supposed to be beautiful. We can go stargazing, just like you keep talking about!”

  
Carmilla thought for a minute before she answered. Maybe it was a good idea to get away that weekend. Carmilla had made a huge mistake by going to Mark’s and getting high. Maybe if she and Laura went away for the weekend, and she flushed the drugs, she could just pretend that none of it had ever happened, and things could go back to the way they were supposed to be. “I think that’s a great idea, Laur,” Carmilla said, smiling. “Can you rent a car? Because I can’t drive.”

  
“You can’t… ?” Laura asked, trailing off.

  
“Well, my mother tried to teach me, but then she realized that she couldn’t hit me while I was controlling the vehicle she was also traveling in without risking harm to herself. So that didn’t last long. Once I was homeless, I didn’t really have much use for a license.”

  
Laura frowned, just like she always did whenever Carmilla started talking about her past again. “Yeah, I can drive. But Laf has a car, I think I’ll just see if I can borrow theirs for the weekend. Although I’m sure that they’d be more than happy to have a reason to stay in with Perry for a few days.”

  
“Do we have everything we need?” Carmilla asked, her attitude suddenly brightening. It was already Thursday. If she could just make it through two days without shooting up again, she’d be on the road with Laura, and she wouldn’t even have to worry about it. “And when are we planning on leaving? Because I already have off Saturday, so we could leave when I get home on Friday.”

  
“Actually, I was kind of thinking we could leave today,” Laura said, sounding hopeful. “I could use a long weekend, after everything that’s been going on at work lately. And JP said that if you’re only missing work on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, he can still pay you for a full week’s work, if you're willing to work the Saturday after we get back. I kind of already told him you could, sorry!" Laura gave Carmilla a sheepish grin before continuing, "Plus, something tells me you could use a long weekend too.”

  
Carmilla felt a rush of relief. If they were leaving that day, it would be so much easier for her to refrain from shooting up again. “That sounds great. What do you need me to do?”

  
“Well, most of the stuff’s at my apartment, so just get your clothes ready, we can head over to my place, and I’ll call Laf and make sure that we can use their car.”

  
“Sure thing, cutie,” Carmilla said. She felt like the events of the day before had been erased, although she couldn’t completely get rid of the pit in her stomach.

 

Once Carmilla finished breakfast, she headed into the bedroom to get some clothes and toiletries together for the weekend. She grabbed her backpack so that she could pack her clothes into it, and then remembered the bundle of heroin sitting in the bottom.

She hurried into the bathroom, intent on flushing them down the toilet. If they were gone, then she’d have to go back to Mark’s house if she wanted to use again, and she’d be forced to actually stop and think about what she was doing.

  
But as she stood there, the heroin in her hand, hovering just above the toilet, Carmilla realized she couldn’t do it. She rationalized it, telling herself that she’d spent two hundred dollars on the drugs, and she couldn’t just flush that much money. If she really wanted to get rid of it, she could just take it back to Mark and sell it back to him to get some of her money back.

  
She knew that she couldn’t take it on the camping trip with her though, so Carmilla tucked the drugs, and everything that came with it, under the sink. At least there, she wouldn’t be able to use them during her weekend away with Laura. She wanted the weekend to be perfect, and she was determined not to let anything, even her addiction, get in the way of that.


	14. Night and Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla enjoy a great weekend together––until Laura realizes that something's not quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: discussions of addiction and drug abuse
> 
> Note: I finished this chapter a little faster than usual because I'm getting LASIK today, and I'm not sure when exactly I'll be able to post again. Hopefully soon, but I wanted to get this posted before then. 
> 
> Also, please don't hate me for the cliffhanger! :)

“You really couldn’t find anything better than One Direction for the car ride?” Carmilla asked, turning to glare at Laura. They were already an hour out of the city, and Carmilla had been rolling her eyes the entire time, thanks to the seemingly never-ending stream of boy band songs.

  
“Well what would you like to listen to, Mr. Grumpy Gills?” Laura asked, turning to look at Carmilla for a fraction of a second before immediately turning back to the road.

  
“Mr. Grumpy Gills?” Carmilla asked, raising her eyebrows. She ran her fingers absentmindedly over the crook of her arm, where she knew there was an impressive black and blue bruise from the drugs she’d used for the first time in months just one day earlier. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so guilty, but she tried to leave her guilt back in her apartment, hidden under the sink with the rest of the heroin she’d bought from Mark.

  
“Have you seriously never seen _Finding Nemo_?” Laura asked incredulously. “I know what we’re doing when we get back on Sunday.”  
Carmilla smiled and reached out her hand, resting it on Laura’s thigh. Laura’s eyes never left the road, but she smiled and dropped her right hand from the steering wheel to rest it on top of Carmilla’s. “Fine, you can change the music if you want,” Laura acquiesced. “My iPod’s plugged in, just go through the library until you find something more to your liking.”

  
Carmilla lunged for Laura’s iPod, eager to put an end to the string of ridiculous songs. She scrolled through the list of artists in Laura’s library, until she finally settled on Hozier. She hit shuffle, and Hozier’s album started playing, with “Sedated” starting first.

  
“Good choice,” Laura said, squeezing Carmilla’s hand.

  
“I know,” Carmilla said, grinning as Laura glanced at her again, her lips slipping into a smile for a moment before she straightened her face again, focusing her attention back on the road. But as Carmilla listened to the opening lyrics of the song, she felt her mind wander back to the drugs under the sink. She almost wished she’d brought them with her as she listened to the words:

  
_“Just a little rush, babe… to feel dizzy, to derail the mind of me.”_

  
“How long until we get there again?” Carmilla asked after three hours of driving. She had never been a huge fan of car rides, and even the promise of stargazing with her girlfriend hadn’t really changed that.

  
“Should only be another hour or so,” Laura promised. “Do you need to stop?”

  
“No, I’m good. Just don’t like highways. Or cars. Or driving,” Carmilla groaned. She closed her eyes, and tried to pretend that they weren’t racing down the highway, headed towards the middle of nowhere. “So, why did you need a break from work? You sounded frustrated.”

  
“There’s been a lot going on at my shelter lately,” Laura said. Carmilla could hear the edge in her voice. “And some of it’s making me feel like the work I’m doing doesn’t actually make a difference.”

  
“What do you mean?” Carmilla asked, tilting her head slightly to look at her girlfriend. Laura did so much for others, Carmilla couldn’t imagine how she could feel like she wasn’t making a difference.

  
“Well, earlier this week, one of the women I’d worked with before came back, and she had been beaten really badly. And I was so upset, because we’d worked so hard to get her out of her marriage, and I couldn’t believe she’d ended up in yet another abusive relationship. Then I found out that she had actually gone back to her husband, and so it was the same person she’d already gotten away from once who was hurting her again. And even though she had a broken nose and two black eyes, she kept telling me that he loved her, and he never meant to hurt her. It was like all the weeks of counseling we did didn’t change anything!”

  
Carmilla frowned as she patted Laura’s leg in an attempt to comfort her. “I’m sorry, Laur. But you know, some people just can’t change. It doesn’t matter how much you work with them, or how hard they try to improve themselves, some people are just incapable of changing themselves or their situation.”

  
“I don’t believe that for a second,” Laura said immediately. “I mean, just look at you! After everything you went through with your mother, and everything that happened to you after you ran away, and you’re doing great! You had a horrible life, you got addicted to drugs, and now you’ve cleaned your life up, and you’ve got it headed in the right direction. If that’s not a sign that people can change, I don’t know what is.”

  
Carmilla hated herself so much she thought, for a fraction of a second, about just flinging herself from the car. Surely that would be less painful than letting Laura down. She had backed herself into a corner. She should have just called Laura after she’d run into her mother, but Carmilla hadn’t wanted to bother Laura with her problems, not when Laura had so much to deal with at work, not now that they were dating. Carmilla should have told her what had happened after she’d relapsed. They could work on things together, make things better. But now it was too late for any of that, and Carmilla knew that she couldn’t tell Laura anything about what had happened. It would just be too disappointing, for both of them. And, Carmilla rationalized, if she actually said it out loud, told Laura that’d she’d gotten high again the day before, that would make it real. If she never said anything, she could just pretend it had never happened.

  
“You’re awfully quiet,” Laura noted after a while, frowning at Carmilla. She was worried; Carmilla hadn’t really been herself since she’d seen her mother at work. Carmilla never really did talk much about the horrible things that had happened to her, and when she did, she told the story as though it had happened to someone else. But Laura was worried that Carmilla wasn’t talking to her about this.  
“I would just really like to get out of this car,” Carmilla answered honestly. She always got a headache on long car rides.

  
“You didn’t really tell me anything about what happened when your mother came into the shop yesterday,” Laura pried gently, hoping to finally get some information from Carmilla. She felt Carmilla’s hand, still resting on her thigh, stiffen before Carmilla drew it away.

  
“There’s not much to tell,” Carmilla said, shrugging her shoulders. She just wanted to forget the whole thing. “She’s still the same charming, evil wench that raised me, and I’m still not strong enough to stand up for myself. She had me shaking in a matter of minutes. Everything I’ve worked for, and that… _woman_ still reduces me to a blubbering child with such ease.”

  
Laura reached over to grab Carmilla’s hand, but when Carmilla kept her arms folded tightly over her chest, Laura just dropped her hand to rest just above Carmilla’s knee. “You are not weak, okay? Your mother had so much power over you for so long, and sometimes it takes longer than we expect to really start to heal from those kinds of things. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for what happened yesterday. In fact, I think it’s really amazing that your mother came in and treated you like that, and you dealt with it the way you did. I mean, it would have been nice if you had talked to someone, instead of just leaving the bookshop and not telling me or JP anything, but I’m glad you just went back to your apartment.”

  
Carmilla wished someone would just punch her, or yell at her for being so stupid. She couldn’t believe she’d screwed up so badly. And the longer she went without telling Laura what had happened, the worse it got. Carmilla was thrilled to finally be going on his camping trip with Laura, but at the same time, she felt like she didn’t deserve it anymore. She leaned her head against her window, and watched the scenery whipping past. At least it kept her from accidentally meeting Laura’s eyes.

 

 

When they got to the campground, the sun was still up, but it was starting to sink towards the horizon, so Laura and Carmilla immediately got to work to set up the tent. Carmilla hadn’t used a tent in years; not since her father had died. She followed Laura’s lead, snapping bendy metal poles into place and threading through the right straps on the tent.

  
“Perfect!” Laura said after they’d been working on it for nearly half an hour. She stepped back and wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist, leaning against her to admire their work. “You know, you did pretty well for someone who hasn’t set up a tent in ten years.”

  
Carmilla leaned down slightly and kissed Laura, breaking a smiling for what felt like the first time in hours. Maybe she could just forget about everything that had happened, and enjoy the weekend with Laura after all.

 

 

After dinner that night, Laura broke out marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars as Carmilla coaxed the fire from a few flickering flames to a near-bonfire. Carmilla had roasted marshmallows with her father, but when she’d told Laura that she had never made s’mores, Laura was scandalized. So, when she was packing for their trip, she made sure to pack the fixings for s’mores.

  
“Alright, so I like mine lightly toasted, so please don’t light it on fire,” Laura teased as she passed to marshmallow skewers to Carmilla, who dropped them toward the fire, keeping Laura’s higher than her own. Laura turned back to the rest of her supplies to get the chocolate and graham crackers ready.

  
“It’s supposed to be a new moon tomorrow,” Carmilla commented as she watched the flames lick over her marshmallow, blackening the outside.

  
“That’s when there’s no moon, right?” Laura asked, returning to Carmilla side and taking her marshmallow skewer back.

  
“Yeah. It’ll be perfect for stargazing. We should be able to see a ton of stars once we find a good spot.”

  
“And I’ll bring a blanket so that we can lay out and enjoy it without having to worry about bugs crawling all over us.”

  
“That sounds perfect,” Carmilla said, turning to kiss Laura again. She forgot all about her marshmallow as she deepened the kiss, her tongue pushing against Laura’s, her free hand moving into Laura’s hair.

  
“Carm!” Laura shrieked, suddenly breaking their kiss, although her eyes still sparkled. “You’re turning your marshmallow into a torch!”

  
Carmilla returned her attention to her marshmallows, which, just like Laura had said, were completed engulfed in fire. Carmilla laughed as she raised the marshmallow to her lips and blew on them. It took several tries, but finally, the fire was out, leaving only a completely blackened crisp of a marshmallow behind. “That is what a marshmallow is supposed to look like!” Carmilla declared triumphantly, laughing again at the look on Laura’s face as she put her s’more together.

  
“You’re weird,” Laura commented, though she was trying her best to keep from giggling.

  
“You love it,” Carmilla shot back. Her cheeks reddened as soon as she said it. Neither she nor Laura had used the ‘l-word,’ even when they’d still just been friends. And even now, as they joked around, Carmilla wasn’t sure if it was okay that she’d said it. But Laura just kissed her again, her tongue brushing against the smear of chocolate on Carmilla’s upper lip.

 

 

By the time they crawled into the tent to go to sleep, Carmilla felt content again. Just as she’d hoped, she’d been able to push the mistakes from the day before out of her mind. And as they curled up in the tent, Carmilla holding Laura against her side, her arm around Laura’s shoulders, and Laura’s head on her chest, Carmilla swore that she’d flush the rest of the drugs as soon as they got back. Laura never needed to know how close Carmilla had come to slipping back to her old habits.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

“Carm, this is incredible!” Laura said as she parked the car. They’d followed a dirt path from their campground until they’d found themselves in the middle of a deserted field. Carmilla had poured over her map before they’d left, and she assured Laura that there were no cities around to cause light pollution. They should have the best view of the stars possible.

  
The sun was just starting to set, and the sky was painted with incredible shades of orange, pink, and purple. Carmilla took a minute to admire it as Laura pulled out the over-sized blanket she’d brought just for this occasion.

  
“Carmilla, can you help me with this?” Laura asked as she started to unroll the blanket. Carmilla snapped back to attention as she turned away from the sunset and grabbed one end of the blanket. She and Laura spread the blanket out on the ground, and then Laura kicked her shoes off and crawled toward the middle of the blanket. She patted the ground next to her, grinning up at Carmilla.

Carmilla ran her fingers through her hair, flipping the part to the other side as she sat down, on the edge of the blanket. She untied her combat boots, and left them at the edge of the blanket before sliding over to Laura.

  
“Come here,” Carmilla said, dropping her arm to the side and motioning for Laura to curl up with her again. Carmilla smiled as Laura shifted, nestling against her. Carmilla tightened her arm around Laura’s shoulders, and traced her fingertips over Laura’s upper arm.

  
They laid there like that, each of them more than happy to watch the sun set, the sky darken, and the stars start to appear. As the stars became more and more visible, Carmilla started pointing out the constellations and telling Laura about the stories and mythology behind them.

  
“See those three stars in a line there?” Carmilla asked, pointing up at the sky. She felt Laura nod against her. “That’s Orion’s belt. It’s one of my favorite constellations. Probably because my dad was the first one who showed me how to find it.”

  
“What’s the story?” Laura asked, running her hand over Carmilla’s stomach.

  
“Well, there are a few different stories about his birth. But all the legends say that eventually, he drove the beasts from the island of Chios, and there, he fell in love with Merope, who was the king’s daughter. The king didn’t approve of Orion, and he kept pushing back the date of the marriage until eventually he blinded Orion. Orion recovered his vision by staring into the rays of the rising sun, and he went to Crete and lived and hunted with Artemis. The accounts of his death vary too. Some say that he was murdered by Artemis after he tried to rape her. Others say he was killed by a giant scorpion. But Orien had gained favor with Zeus, and so Zeus let Orian live in the stars forever.”

  
“I love the way you tell stories,” Laura said, twisting slightly and kissing Carmilla gently. She never would have expected to feel so safe in the middle of nowhere, but with Carmilla’s arm around her, Laura felt as though there was nothing that could hurt her.

 

 

Laura lost track of time as she laid there with Carmilla, listening Carmilla’s low, occasionally raspy voice as she narrated the stories of the stars. The stars were beautiful; Laura had never seen so many stars across the night sky. But the thing that made the night perfect was Carmilla.

  
“I think I’m out of stories, cupcake,” Carmilla sighed after a while, finally dropping her arm back down to her side.

  
“That’s okay,” Laura said, rolling over and straddling Carmilla. “I’ve been waiting for an excuse to do this anyway.” Laura leaned down and kissed Carmilla.

  
Carmilla smiled, and pulled away from the kiss, dropping her head back against the blanket and admiring Laura. She’d thought that Laura was beautiful since the first day they’d met, but now, after spending so much time with her, and falling for her, Carmilla realized that Laura was probably the most beautiful person she’d ever met. The fact that the star-studded night sky served as a backdrop was just an added bonus.

  
Laura leaned back down to kiss Carmilla again, and Carmilla was more than happy to kiss back, nipping at Laura’s lower lip and tugging gently. They kissed, and their hands ran over each other, each of them trying to explore the other as much as they could. And, as Laura’s hands ran down Carmilla’s stomach, Carmilla realized that she felt completely comfortable. The pit in her stomach that had formed every time they’d actually gotten close to sleeping together simply wasn’t there. Carmilla couldn’t help but grin as she sighed into the kiss. Maybe she’d finally gotten over her anxiety.

  
Carmilla sat up slightly, her fingers gripping the hem of Laura’s shirt. She eased it up over Laura’s head, breaking their kiss for only a moment as Laura raised her arms over her head. Carmilla dropped Laura’s shirt to the side and went back to kissing Laura. Laura arched her back, pushing into Carmilla as she practically hummed into Carmilla’s mouth. Laura sat up again, and set to work unbuttoning Carmilla’s shirt. Carmilla sat up slightly, making it easier for Laura to push her shirt open, and slide the shirt down Carmilla’s arms.

  
Carmilla sat up, pulling the shirt the rest of the way off. She turned back to Laura, and raised her hands to the back of Laura’s head to kiss her again. She was not expecting Laura to push her away, her eyes fixed on Carmilla’s arm.

  
“Carmilla, what is that?” Laura asked, stiffening. Carmilla squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t believe she’d been such an idiot––she’d been so caught up with kissing Laura that she’d completely forgotten about the black and bruise that stretched across the crook of her elbow. It was dark out, but they’d been in the dark for a few hours, and their eyes had adjusted well enough that Laura could see the bruise clearly, even if she couldn’t make out the track marks.

  
“It’s just… I was…” Carmilla stumbled over her words, trying to come up with a story that would be believable enough to get Laura to believe her.

  
“Damn it!” Laura said softly, her face falling. She rolled off Carmilla, reaching for her shirt. “Damn it, Carmilla. When?”

  
Carmilla stared at Laura, her eyes dark. She couldn’t think of anything she could say that would make this better. “Laur, it’s not what you think.”

  
“Really?” Laura asked, pulling her shirt over her head and turning back to glare at Carmilla, her eyes blazing fiercely. “Because it looks like you relapsed. Recently. And Carmilla, I swear if you lie to me, I will leave you here to find your own way home.”

  
Carmilla sank into herself. All the self-loathing she’d felt since she first found herself at Mark’s door came rushing back, and Carmilla was nearly overwhelmed with self-hatred. She left her shirt on the ground next to her as she started talking. Her eyes stung as she spoke, and she felt tears running down her cheeks. “Laura, I’m sorry,” Carmilla said. She couldn’t believe she was crying––she never cried. “I didn’t mean to. After my mother came into the bookshop, I was so shaken up I didn’t know what to do. There’s something about my mother that makes me fall apart. I left the shop and I meant to go home, and instead I ended up at Mark’s.”

  
“You could have called!” Laura snapped, her voice rising. “You could have called me, or Ms. Brown, or you could have talked to JP! Do you even know how many people are here for you? Do you have any idea how many people want to see you succeed? Or do you just not care?”

  
“I wasn’t thinking, Laura!” Carmilla said, raising her voice until it nearly matched Laura’s. “I have been trying, for months, to stay clean. You have no idea how hard it’s been; no idea how many times I couldn’t think of anything other than heroin. I really did think I was getting better, but once I was at Mark’s house, I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I’m an addict. It’s like I told you earlier today: some people just can’t change.”

  
“I thought you could,” Laura said, clearly disappointed.

  
“Some things aren’t that easy,” Carmilla snapped, frustrated. “Heroin has been the only thing that was always there for me, ever since I first started using it. It’s hard for me to realize that there are other ways of dealing with things. But you have to know that I can’t just change who I am overnight just because I love you.”

  
Laura and Carmilla both froze, the weight of Carmilla’s words hanging in the air. Carmilla didn’t know how she could follow that up, so she waited for Laura to say something. But when Laura didn’t answer, Carmilla just muttered, “Let’s go.”

  
Carmilla grabbed her shirt and headed to the car, pulling it back on as she walked around the car to the passenger side. She got in and slammed the door shut behind her, crossing her arms over her chest as she took her seat. They drove back to the campsite in silence, each of them consumed with their own thoughts. Carmilla was angry with herself for handling the situation so poorly, from start to finish. Laura was hurt, but mostly she was just trying to think of how they could start working to make things better.

  
When they got back to the campsite, they both got out of the car and headed to the tent, but as they neared the tent, Laura realized that she just couldn’t sleep next to Carmilla that night, as though nothing was wrong. She was still to upset for that.

  
“I think I’m just going to sleep in the car,” Laura said, turning back.

  
Carmilla let out a sigh, feeling her heart sink even deeper. “No, I’ll sleep in the car. It’s my fault we’re in this position.”

  
Laura didn’t bother to argue you that. She tossed the keys to Carmilla and, as she headed into the tent, looked over her shoulder. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

 

Neither of them slept very well that night. Carmilla was furious with herself, and if that wasn’t bad enough, it was impossible to find a sleeping position that was even remotely comfortable. Carmilla tossed and turned all night, torturing herself with thoughts of how the weekend could have gone different, if only she hadn’t fucked everything up.

  
Laura laid in the tent, staring up at the blank tarp. She wasn’t sure whether or not she fell asleep; if she did, she was only asleep for a few minutes throughout the night. She couldn’t decide what to do. She thought that maybe what Carmilla needed was tough love, but Laura didn’t want to push her too far. Laura had to make sure that Carmilla knew how upset Laura was, but she also wanted to make sure that Carmilla knew she could talk to Laura about anything. As she struggled to come up with a solution, Laura couldn’t help but laugh at her situation: she spent her days counseling women and children who had been severely abused, and yet she had no idea what to say to her struggling girlfriend.

  
“A counselor who can’t even help herself,” Laura muttered to herself at one point.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

They packed up the tent in silence the next morning, neither of them sure what they could say to the other to make the situation better. The car ride home felt infinitely longer than the ride there. There was no banter over what music to play; neither of them sang, or even hummed along to the songs that they did like. The silence, Carmilla decided, was deafening.

  
“I’m going to take the camping stuff home and take Laf their car back,” Laura said, pulling up outside Carmilla’s apartment. “I’ll be back this afternoon so that we can talk.”

  
Carmilla thought about the rest of the bundle hidden under her sink upstairs. “Laur, can’t you come up with me? I think it’s better if we talk now.”

  
Laura hesitated. She knew that Carmilla needed her, but she also needed some time alone to decide what she was going to say. “It’ll only take me a couple hours. I’ll be back before you know it.”

  
Carmilla clenched her jaw, but she nodded, grabbed her phone and keys, and headed up to her apartment. She felt empty. Just the week before, she’d felt so full of life and love. Recovery had been going well, she was starting to learn what it felt like to be proud of herself again, and she was learning what it meant to be a part of something bigger than just herself. And now she sat on the futon, staring at the painting of the skull across from her, trying desperately to ignore the pull of the heroin hidden in her bathroom. She needed Laura; she needed someone to talk to her, to remind her what a horrible mistake she’d be making if she used again.

  
Carmilla started pacing back and forth in her living room, a debate raging back and forth in her head. She could flush the drugs before Laura even got back, and they could talk, and decide what they were going to do next, and Carmilla would feel better knowing that, even though she had messed up, she’d at least done the right thing by flushing the drugs. Or she could shoot up again, calm herself down before Laura got back. She knew that it was a stupid idea, but Carmilla was an addict, and the idea of giving into her addiction was more than tempting.

  
After what felt like hours of going back and forth, fighting with herself, Carmilla felt her will power break. She couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t keep waiting for Laura to show up. She practically ran to the bathroom, feeling as though a weight had been lifted and she ripped open the cupboard under the sink and hastily grabbed for her bundle and her kit of supplies. Her heart was pounding in anticipation, but as she measured out a dose into the spoon, the look on Laura’s face when she’d seen the bruise on Carmilla’s arm flashed through her mind.

  
With shaking hands, Carmilla lowered the spoon and pulled her phone from her pocket. She needed to call Laura before that moment of resolve was gone.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

“So, how was your weekend getaway?” LaFontaine asked, raising their eyebrows and winking at Laura.

  
“It was amazing… for the first two days,” Laura said. She seemed to crumble in on herself as she continued, “But then on Saturday night, we were out stargazing, and then we were kissing, and things were going great, and I thought Carmilla had finally started to loosen up a bit. But when I took her shirt off, she had this black and blue bruise across her elbow.”

  
“Shit, Laura, I’m sorry,” LaFontaine said, reaching out to rest their hand on Laura’s shoulder. Laura had told LaFontaine and Perry about Carmilla’s past, and so she didn’t have to go into much detail for LaFontaine to realize what had happened. “So what are you going to do?”

  
“I don’t know,” Laura admitted. “I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. I don’t know how to handle it, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. And, Laf, she said she loved me.”

  
“Really?” LaFontaine asked, grinning.

  
“Yeah, but not in the way you’re thinking. She said that I couldn’t expect her to change who she was just because she loves me. I think Carm thinks that she’s always going to be an addict, no matter how hard she works to get into recovery.”

  
“Do you love her?” LaFontaine asked softly.

  
“What?” Laura replied, surprised. “I mean, I’ve only known her for like a few months, and we’ve only been dating for a little more than a month.”

  
“Come on, Laura,” LaFontaine urged. “I know you. You’re one of the most loving people I’ve ever met, and you always believe the best in people. I’m not asking if you’re _in_ love with her, and I’m not asking you to propose. I’m just asking if you love her enough to be there for her, whatever happens next. Even if that might mean that you can’t be together right now.”

  
Laura hadn’t thought of it that way before. She stammered, searching for the right answer, but before she could find the words she was looking for, her phone started buzzing. Laura thought her heart stopped when she saw Carmilla’s name on the caller ID.

  
“Carm?” she asked, shooting a worried look at LaFontaine.

  
“I need help,” Carmilla said.

  
Laura felt her heart start beating faster: it sounded like Carmilla was in the middle of a breakdown. “Where are you?” Laura asked. “What’s going on, are you okay?”

  
“I’m at home,” Carmilla answered, breathing heavily. She thought she might start crying, and it was taking all her strength to call Laura and ignore the drugs lying at her side. “I didn’t tell you everything––I’ve got more of it here, and I can’t… I’m not strong enough––”

  
“I’m coming,” Laura said immediately. She shifted the phone away from her ear and motioned frantically to LaFontaine. “Can you take me to Carmilla’s apartment? I need to get there, fast!”

  
LaFontaine moved quickly, grabbing their coat and their keys as they followed Laura out the door and down to the car. Laura stayed on the phone, trying to keep Carmilla talking as she sprinted down the stairs so fast that LaFontaine feared she might fall.

  
“Carmilla, just keep talking to me, I’m on my way,” Laura said. She was so scared. She never should have left Carmilla alone, not when Carmilla was feeling so vulnerable. And Carmilla had asked Laura to go up to her apartment with her. Laura had just brushed her off. If anything happened to Carmilla before they could get there, Laura knew that she would never forgive herself.


	15. Not Broken Just Bent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla continues to struggle with her addiction, and Laura tries to figure out their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: drug use
> 
> LASIK went well, and I'm pretty much back to 100% Thank you for the well wishes! My right eye's still a little fuzzy though, so please forgive me for any typos you might find!

Carmilla stayed on the phone, mostly just listening to Laura assure her that everything was going to be okay. She was sitting on the floor of her bathroom, leaning back against the bathtub, the spoonful of heroin still sitting on the ground next to her, practically begging to be used.

Carmilla stared at the drugs, and although she still had the phone to her ear, Laura’s voice started to fade into the background. There were times when it felt like heroin was the only thing Carmilla could think about, and now that it was right there next to her, it seemed to be the only thing that actually mattered. Carmilla dropped her phone to the floor and picked up the drugs again. She heated them, running the lighter impatiently under the spoon.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura was staring at the street, praying that they’d get to Carmilla’s apartment before Carmilla had the chance to shoot up. She couldn’t stop cursing herself for leaving Carmilla alone when she was obviously in such a bad place. Laura never would have left one of her families at the shelter on their own if there was a chance that there abuser might show up; why on earth had Laura assumed that Carmilla would just sit in her apartment, waiting patiently for Laura to get back?

  
Laura was keeping up a constant string of encouragement, assuring Carmilla that she would be there soon, and that everything would be okay. Carmilla didn’t say much, but Laura could hear her breathing, and that was enough to know that she was okay. And then, suddenly, there was a loud crash––Laura guessed that Carmilla must have dropped the phone, and Laura heard it bounce off the floor.

  
“Carm?” Laura yelled, tears starting to well in the corners of her eyes. She was terrified, and the silence only made it that much worse. “Carmilla, answer me!” When she didn’t hear anything through the phone, Laura turned to LaFontaine, tears spilling over and running down her cheeks. “Please, Laf, hurry!”

  
LaFontaine pressed their foot a little harder on the gas pedal. They didn’t want to get pulled over and end up even more delayed, but they were worried about Carmilla too. LaFontaine had studied drugs and their impacts during college, and they knew that Carmilla was in an especially bad place: it had been so long since she’d used that there were more risks to worry about.

  
Laura felt like the drive through town was taking much longer than it usually did. They seemed to hit every red light on the way, and pedestrians kept crossing the streets at all the worst possible moments. And Laura had tried calling Carmilla (she’d hung up after over a minute of nothing but silence), and Carmilla hadn’t answered. Laura had called her more time than she could count, and still, nothing.

 

Finally, LaFontaine pulled up in front of Carmilla’s building. Laura leapt from the car as it slowed, just barely waiting for LaFontaine to stop.

  
“I’ll be up in a minute!” LaFontaine called, pulling away to find a parking spot as Laura sprinted into the building.

  
Laura took the stairs two at a time, praying that she wouldn’t actually need LaFontaine’s help. LaFontaine had done some basic medical study before they started focusing on more scientific studies. Laura knew that their expertise would come in handy if Carmilla needed any kind of medical help, but Laura was praying that it would come to that.

  
Her hands were shaking as she pulled the keys from her pocket and flipped through them until she found the keys to Carmilla’s apartment. She unlocked the door, and sprinted into the apartment, calling Carmilla’s name as she glanced around, looking for her girlfriend.

  
“Carm? Carm!” Laura turned the corner into Carmilla’s bedroom, and through the open door, she saw Carmilla’s legs, sprawled out in front of her. Laura rushed forward, careful not to swing the bathroom door open as she dropped to Carmilla’s side. “Carm! Carmilla, can you hear me?”

  
Carmilla’s head was lolled back against the edge of the bathtub, the thin strip of rubber still tied tight around her bicep, cutting off the blood supply to the rest of her arm. Tears ran down Laura’s face as she shifted towards Carmilla. She tugged at the knot on the rubber strap, letting it fall from Carmilla’s arm so that the blood could return to her hand. Laura wiped tears from her cheeks as she recognized a fresh injection spot, just above the bruise she’d spotted that weekend.

  
“Carmilla, please, come on,” Laura begged through her tears, shaking Carmilla’s shoulders. She didn’t know what she’d do if Carmilla wouldn’t wake up.

  
“Laura?” LaFontaine must have found a parking spot right away, because they’d

arrived at the door faster than Laura had expected.

  
“In here!” Laura choked, relieved. LaFontaine would know what to do.

  
“Shit,” LaFontaine said as they came into the bathroom and saw Laura clutching Carmilla’s shoulders. “Is she breathing?”

  
“I don’t know,” Laura gasped.

  
“Does she have a pulse?”

  
“I don’t know!”

  
LaFontaine moved forward quickly, and Laura shifted to the side, leaning against the tub and letting Carmilla’s limp form slide against her. They held their hand out in front of Carmilla’s nose, waiting for a moment. “Good, she’s breathing,” they said. “Um, Laura?”

  
“Yeah?” Laura asked, wiping more tears from her eyes.

  
“You’re not going to like this.”

  
“Wha––” Laura never didn’t get the chance to finish her question. LaFontaine raised their hand and, before Laura even realized what had happened, they slapped Carmilla hard across the face.

  
“What was that?!” Laura shouted, turning on LaFontaine. But they just nodded towards Carmilla, who was stirring groggily.

  
“What the…” Carmilla mumbled, pushing herself up slightly to look around. Her face went ashen as she saw LaFontaine standing in front of her, and then turned and saw Laura sitting next to her. “Great,” Carmilla said, her voice dry. She knew that she should be upset about Laura seeing her like this, and embarrassed that LaFontaine was there too, but the drugs were too fresh in her system for her to care.

  
“So,” LaFontaine said, clearly feeling uncomfortable with the situation. “I’ll just leave you two to it. Laura, call me later?”

  
Laura just nodded, mouthing her thanks to LaFontaine. They waved over their shoulder as they headed out the door. Laura waited until she heard the door shut again before she rounded on Carmilla. “Carmilla Karnstein, you better start talking.”

  
“Uh oh,” Carmilla drawled, smirking slightly, “Full name. Guess that means I’m in trouble.”

  
The tears that had just barely dried were back as Laura turned to glare at Carmilla. “You cannot be serious right now. You were talking about how you wanted to make a real change, and instead you shoot up less than an hour after we get back? I thought we were going to talk about this!”

  
“I’m an addict, creampuff.” Carmilla’s voice was slow, her words slightly slurred as she spoke. “And I’m much better at shooting up than I am at talking.”

  
Laura stood up and ran her fingers through her hair, her eyes getting red as she cried. “Carmilla, I can’t do this with you right now.”

  
“Good, because I really don’t feel like doing it anyway,” Carmilla hissed back. She pushed herself up from the floor and staggered slightly as she walked past Laura, bumping shoulders with her as she crossed into the bedroom. She made it to the bed and then collapsed across it.

  
Laura watched her for a moment, frustrated. She felt so helpless. She knew that addiction could be powerful (she’d learned all about in in college), but she’d never seen it so up close and personal before. Classes couldn’t prepare her for how painful it was to care so much for someone who struggled to stay clean. Laura couldn’t find the words to describe how much it hurt to see Carmilla struggle so much; she felt like her heart had been torn into tiny pieces. She realized that walking into that bathroom, and seeing Carmilla lying there, and not knowing whether she was still alive or not––that moment had hurt Laura more than breaking up with Danny. And she knew that it wouldn’t get any less painful when Carmilla woke up.

  
Laura crossed over to the bed to check and make sure that Carmilla was just sleeping. She held her hand in front of Carmilla’s nose, just like LaFontaine had done. When she felt a small puff of air, she let out a sigh of relief, and then headed into the bathroom to clean things up.

  
The lighter, spoon, rubber strap, and syringe, Laura threw straight into the trash can. She picked up the bundle of heroin––a collection of tiny plastic bags filled with brown powder. Laura thought she’d run out of tears, so she just shook her head as she opened each bag individually and poured the contents into the toilet. She flushed all the drugs, feeling some tiny sense of relief as she watched them disappear. She tossed the bags into the trash bag as well, and then took the entire thing out to the trash chute.

  
Once everything that Carmilla had used to get high had been thrown out or flushed down the toilet, Laura went back to Carmilla’s bedroom. She sat down next to Carmilla, and leaned against the headboard, her knees curled up to her chest. She couldn’t leave Carmilla’s side until she knew that Carmilla was going to be okay.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When Carmilla woke up, she blinked drowsily, looking around at her surroundings. The last thing she remembered what sitting in the bathroom, on the phone with Laura… who was now sitting right next to her on the bed, her face a mix of disappointment and fear.

  
“Oh no,” Carmilla groaned. She didn’t remember everything that had happened, but she could just about guess: she’d gotten high again, probably passed out shortly afterwards, and Laura must have found her on the bathroom floor.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, unable to find anything better to say.

  
“Laura, I’m so, so sorry,” Carmilla said, pushing herself up from the bed.

  
“Carmilla, I don’t know if I can do this,” Laura said, staring down at the tops of her knees. “When I got your call, I was so afraid that something had happened to you, or that something was going to happen to you. And then I got here, and I found you lying against the bathtub, and I honestly thought I’d lost you. You have to know how much you mean to me, but I just can’t watch you self-destruct like this.”

  
Carmilla turned to look at Laura, her eyes dull. “I never meant to do this, Laur,” Carmilla started. “You know how hard I’ve been trying to get my life back together. I just––after my mother came into the bookshop, I fell apart, and when I went to Mark’s house I didn’t even know what I was doing. It was like someone else was controlling my body. I had bought the drugs and gotten high before I even realized I was doing it. And when Mark asked if I wanted more, I couldn’t stop myself from buying a bundle.”

  
“Which I’ve now flushed,” Laura interjected.

  
Carmilla’s shoulders sank slightly as she spoke again. “Thank you. That’s what I wanted to do, but I’m just not strong enough.”  
Silence stretched between them for a few uncomfortable minutes before Laura spoke again. “Carm, I think we need to have a serious discussion about what we’re going to do next. I mean, obviously you’re not completely recovered, and I just don’t know that you’ve got the right kinds of coping mechanisms to deal with things like this. I hate to say it, but there’s always a chance that you could run into your mother, and you have to be able to stay strong in bad situations.”

  
Laura couldn’t stop thinking about what LaFontaine had said to her. “I’m just asking if you love her enough to be there for her, whatever happens next.” Laura knew that, of course, she’d be there for Carmilla. That was just the kind of person she was. And although she couldn’t answer the question of whether or not she loved Carmilla––it was still too soon––Laura knew that she would do anything in her power to take care of her. It was the second part of LaFontaine’s question that bothered her: “Even if that means you can’t be together right now.”

  
“I know,” Carmilla said, her voice hollow. “I just don’t know how to fix it.”

  
“Carmilla,” Laura said, practically ready to laugh. If the situation hadn’t been so frustrating, she probably would have at least chuckled as she said, “You do realize you’re dating a counselor, right? I may not know much about addiction and how to deal with it, but I do know quite a bit about different types of treatment and counseling that you could consider.”

  
Carmilla just nodded, and finally met Laura’s eyes. “Laura, you know I never meant to hurt you, right?”

  
“I know that,” Laura said, reaching out to take Carmilla’s hand. “I know.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Carmilla went back to her usual routine, wearing long sleeves so that she could hide the bruises on her arm from JP and her landlord. She couldn’t afford to lose her job or her apartment––both of which would be in danger if either JP or her landlord found out that she had relapsed. Carmilla and Laura had been working hard to figure out what steps Carmilla should take next, and Carmilla knew that if she could just keep her head down and keep moving forward, everything would be fine soon enough.  
The whole process of getting back on track was made easier since Carmilla had only used three times during her relapse, and she didn’t go through withdrawal like she had when she’d first met Laura. But it was still a struggle. She’d had another taste of heroin, and it made it so much harder for Carmilla to resist it. She’d started calling Laura as soon as she left work, afraid that if she didn’t talk to someone on her way home, she’d end up taking the wrong turn and heading straight to Mark’s house.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla said, her phone to her ear barely five feet from the front door of JP’s bookshop.

  
“Hey,” Laura answered. Carmilla knew that she was already in her apartment; Laura always finished work at 5:00, and hour before Carmilla usually finished up. “How was work?”

  
“It was good,” Carmilla answered. “Just the usual, peaceful, mother-free shift.”

  
Laura laughed, but it was hollow. Things between her and Carmilla just couldn’t seem to get back to the way they’d been––not since Laura had seen the bruises on Carmilla’s arm. “Hey, um, do you maybe want to come over tonight?”

  
Carmilla had been staying at her apartment since that weekend getaway. It just didn’t feel right sleeping next to Laura after disappointing her so badly. But as soon as Laura asked her over, Carmilla felt her heart soar. Maybe things were starting to move back in the right direction. “I think I’d like that very much,” Carmilla said softly.

  
“Good, because you’re cooking dinner,” Laura said with a laugh.

  
“I can do that. It should only take me about twenty minutes to get there. How was your day?”

  
“It was good,” Laura said simply. She’d decided not to go into any detail about her job anymore, just in case it triggered Carmilla. There was a pause for a while before Laura said, “So, I thought we could watch a movie tonight?”

  
“What did you have in mind?” Carmilla asked. Anything that made things feel a bit more normal was perfectly fine with her.

  
“I was just thinking whatever we find on Netflix… have you ever seen _Silence of the Lambs_?”

  
“No, I don’t think so.”

  
“Well, it’s kind of freaky, but I think you’ll like it. It’s about this fairly new FBI agent, who’s played by Jodie Foster who I happen to know you like, and she goes to interview this really, really weird serial killer, and then things just kind of spin out from there.”

  
“We don’t have to watch something if you’ve already seen it,” Carmilla offered.

  
“Carmilla, it’s a great movie, and I really like it. Trust me, if I hated it, I wouldn’t be recommending it. Are you almost here? I’m kind of hungry.”

  
“Snack on some cookies, I’ll be there soon,” Carmilla teased. “And if you’re okay watching it, Silence of the Lambs sounds good to me.”

  
“Alright, I’ll go ahead and get it set up. And I was just thinking spaghetti or something pasta-related for dinner.”

  
“Laura, that’s all you have in your apartment,” Carmilla replied.

  
“Fair point. But I’m craving spaghetti anyway, or I’d just ask you to stop at the store on the way here.”

  
“I’m past the store already, so I guess spaghetti will just have to do.”

  
“You know, we should go out to the movies sometimes,” Laura offered. “We watch movies and TV shows at my place all the time, but we should go on more like normal dates.”

  
“Hey, if you find a good movie, I would love to.” Carmilla thought she’d join a circus if that’s what it took to repair her relationship with Laura. “Unlock your door, I’m coming up now.”

  
“See you soon!”

  
When Carmilla got to Laura’s apartment, she found the door unlocked and Laura waiting for her in the doorway. Carmilla smiled, and gave Laura a quick kiss on the lips. “Alright, I’ll get started on dinner,” Carmilla said, dropping her backpack by the door and heading into the kitchen.

 

A few hours later, they were halfway through the movie. They’d spent dinner talking about what Carmilla was going to do next to keep up her attempts at fighting her addiction, but by the time they’d each finished their spaghetti, they weren’t any closer to deciding what the best option would be. Laura was all for Carmilla going back to the rehab shelter several days a week, but Carmilla was leaning towards seeing a counselor one-on-one so that she could continue her normal work schedule without having to tell JP what was going on. So they’d given up on their back and forth and decided to just watch the movie––before they ended up getting into an argument over Carmilla’s recovery.

  
Carmilla was sitting on the end of the sofa opposite Laura, her legs curled towards the end of the sofa, and her entire upper body leaning away from Laura. Laura was at the other end of the sofa, her legs stretched out towards Carmilla.

  
“Carm, come here,” Laura said, motioning towards herself. Carmilla hesitated, looking Laura over for a moment. “Carm. Just because we’ve been struggling a bit doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you. Now get over here.”

  
Carmilla didn’t need telling twice. She shifted across the sofa, and Laura shifted as well, dropping her legs over the side, so that Carmilla ended up lying across the length of the sofa, her head in Laura’s lap. She closed her eyes, content, as Laura ran her fingers through Carmilla’s hair.

  
“Do you think we can get back to where we used to be?” Carmilla asked. She used to think that nothing could phase her, but when it came to her relationship with Laura, Carmilla felt more vulnerable than she was used to.

  
“I hope so,” Laura said, continuing to stroke Carmilla’s hair. “But right now, all I know is that we’re working on it, and for now, that’s enough.”

  
Carmilla nodded slightly. She wished she could take back the relapse, and just go back to the way things had been. Everything had been so perfect, until she’d shoved a needle into arm and ruined it. She felt lucky to still have Laura by her side, and, for what must have been the hundredth time, Carmilla swore she’d do whatever it took to get things back the way they’d been.

 

After the movie, Carmilla headed into the guest room to go to sleep. Neither she nor Laura had said anything, but Carmilla didn’t feel right going back to Laura’s bed––not yet. And Laura didn’t say anything to stop Carmilla. She just watched from the sofa, her heart sinking as Carmilla shut the door behind her.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After work on Friday, Carmilla decided to go talk to Ms. Brown before going to Laura’s. She texted Laura, telling her that she was stopping at the recovery shelter to say hello to Ms. Brown and some of the other addicts she’d gotten close to while there. But Carmilla left out the fact that she wanted Ms. Brown’s input on what she thought Carmilla should do to continue her recovery.  
Even though the walk to the shelter was fairly quick and still familiar for Carmilla, she called Laura as soon as she left the bookshop anyway.

  
“So are you excited? Or nervous?” Laura asked.

  
“It’ll be nice to see Ms. Brown again,” Carmilla said noncommittally.

“Are you going to tell her about what happened?”

  
“I might,” Carmilla said. It wasn’t exactly a lie. She knew that she was going to tell Ms. Brown everything. It wouldn’t be fun, admitting everything to Ms. Brown, but Carmilla knew that Ms. Brown needed to know everything if she was going to give Carmilla her honest opinion. “I’ll call you again when I leave the shelter,” Carmilla promised. It helped her, talking to Laura when she was going from place to place, but Carmilla did it more to put Laura at ease. She knew how much Laura worried, and she didn’t want to be a cause for Laura’s concern.

  
“Okay. You’re coming over for the night, right? Because I picked out a movie–– _Baby Mama_. I thought we could both use a comedy after everything that’s happened lately, but if you don’t want to watch it we could always pick something else once you get here.”

  
Carmilla smiled. She was starting to think that no matter how long she and Laura knew each other, Laura would always fire out run-on sentences at inhuman speed. “Yes, Laur, I’m coming over. And a comedy sounds good. I’m just around the corner from the shelter. I’ll call you when I leave.”

  
“Okay. Say ‘hi’ to Ms. Brown for me!”

  
“Will do. See you, Laur.”

  
“Bye!”

  
Carmilla rounded the corner, and found herself standing outside the shelter’s front door. She took a deep breath as she tucked her phone into the back pocket of her jeans, and she squeezed the straps on her backpack as she pulled herself together. Finally, Carmilla pressed her finger to the buzzer.

  
“Hello?”

  
Carmilla immediately felt more at ease as she recognized Ms. Brown’s voice. “Hey, Ms. Brown, it’s Carmilla.”

  
“What are you waiting for? Get in here!” Ms. Brown called through the speaker as she buzzed Carmilla in.

  
Carmilla pulled the door open and felt her heart start beating a little faster again. She was not thrilled about the prospect of telling Ms. Brown about her relapse, no matter how understanding she knew the older woman could be.

  
“Ms. Karnstein, how are you?” Ms. Brown came out from behind her desk to give Carmilla a hug as soon as Carmilla walked into the lobby.

  
“I’m doing alright, Ms. Brown,” Carmilla said, only half-heartedly returning the woman’s hug. “Laura told me to say ‘hello.’”

  
“How is Ms. Hollis?” Ms. Brown asked, beaming at Carmilla. It made Carmilla feel sick to her stomach. She knew that Ms. Brown wouldn’t be happy with her for much longer.

  
“Laura’s great,” Carmilla replied, a smile stretching across her cheeks. “Actually, she’s my girlfriend.”

  
Ms. Brown looked taken aback, but she didn’t miss a beat. “Isn’t that lovely. I thought that you two seemed good together. And how have you been?”

  
“That’s actually what brings me here today,” Carmilla said hesitantly.

  
“Oh?”

  
“I… I had… some trouble recently,” Carmilla admitted, taking long pauses between her words.

  
“Trouble?” Ms. Brown’s face had already fallen into a more somber expression, her lips forming a straight line.

  
“My mother came by my job recently. I thought that I was doing well, but that woman still has the ability to flip things upside down for me. I fell apart.”

  
“And what exactly does that mean?” Ms. Brown didn’t sound mean, but she was stern, and Carmilla knew that she was worried about what Carmilla was going to say next.

  
“I…” Carmilla didn’t want to say it out loud. It was just such an ugly word, and it only ever brought disappointment to the people she cared about. “I relapsed.”

  
“Carmilla,” Ms. Brown sighed, her face dropping.

  
Carmilla felt her shoulders sag. “I used three times. Laura found out after the second time. The third time, I called Laura. It was just too hard. The drugs were right there. She found me passed on in the bathroom, and flushed the rest of the drugs. I’ve been working on making things right since then.”

  
“How long ago was this?”

  
“A few days,” Carmilla said, not meeting Ms. Brown’s eyes.

  
“And you just, what? Went back to work like nothing had happened?”

  
“Laura and I have been talking about the best thing. I wanted to come talk to you and get your opinion.”

  
“I don’t know that you’re going to like my honest opinion,” Ms. Brown warned.

  
“I think I need to hear it,” Carmilla replied, her voice soft.

  
“Ms. Karnstein, you need to truly address the problems that started you using in the first place. I know that you started to talk about some of the things you dealt with while you were here, but I don’t think you delved into them nearly enough. Particularly since, like you say, your mother’s reappearance played such a large role in your relapse. I certainly don’t think you should go back to living your life as though this relapse never happened. And honestly, I’m not sure that dating Ms. Hollis is such a good idea. She is an excellent support system, I’m sure, but it isn’t healthy for either of you to be in a relationship when she is your sole supporter in this.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She knew Ms. Brown was right, even if she really didn’t want to admit it. And she wasn’t sure what Ms. Brown was going to suggest as a solution, but she didn’t think she was going to like it. “What do you think I should do?”

  
“In my opinion, I think you need to consider going to a more long-term, inpatient rehabilitation program. Most last from four to twelve weeks, depending on your needs and how quickly you show progress. I think that being away from this environment, this city for a little while would do a great deal for your recovery. I also think that taking some time away from Ms. Hollis would allow you to both consider your relationship more clearly.”

  
“I thought you might say something like that,” Carmilla said, giving Ms. Brown a sad smile. “I have looked into inpatient rehab, but everything was so expensive. I want to get better. I really do. There’s just no way I could pull together thousands of dollars for a program like that.”

  
“I could work with you, and Mr. Armitage, if you’re willing to talk to him, in order to find something that you could afford. But this is a decision that you have to make for yourself. In the meantime, you are always more than welcome to come back to group sessions here. I am sure that Mr. Armitage would be more than happy to alter your work schedule to accommodate you.”

  
Carmilla nodded slowly, thinking. She knew she wasn’t going to make a decision on the spot, but Ms. Brown had certainly given her quite a bit to think about. “Can I come back later this week after I’ve had some time to think about it?”

  
“You’re always welcome here, Carmilla,” Ms. Brown assured her, nodding kindly. “And you have my number. Please give me a call if you find yourself struggling again.”

  
“Thank you, Ms. Brown,” Carmilla said, giving the older woman a small smile. “I’ll see you later.”

  
“Stay safe,” Ms. Brown said as she watched Carmilla head back out the door.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The whole time she was watching the movie that night, running her fingers through Laura’s hair as they watched the movie together, Carmilla couldn’t stop thinking about Ms. Brown’s advice. She knew that an inpatient rehab center would help Carmilla more than pretty much anything else, but she just didn’t see how she could afford it. As for leaving Laura––Laura was the only bright spot in Carmilla’s life. She didn’t want to give that up.

  
“Are you staying over?” Laura asked when they finished the movie.

  
“I think so,” Carmilla replied. She hesitated before asking, “Would you like me to stay in the guest room again?”

  
“I think that would be best. At least for tonight,” Laura said, sounding apologetic even as she said it.

Carmilla nodded, looking down at the floor. “Hey Laura? When do you think things will go back to the way they were?”

  
Laura turned and bit her lip. She hesitated, trying to decide whether she should be nice, or brutally honest. She decided to shoot for a happy medium between the two. “Maybe when I can forget the image of you lying on your bathroom floor. Maybe when I can look at you and feel like I’m not going to lose you. Right now, I just don’t know. I want to trust you, but I don’t know if I can just yet.”

  
“I’m going to start going to group at the recovery shelter again next week,” Carmilla offered. She knew it wouldn’t change anything right away, but she had to say it.

  
“That’s great, I’m proud of you,” Laura said, though she sounded half-hearted. Carmilla knew that Laura wanted more from her.

“Good night, Carm.”

  
“Good night,” Carmilla replied. She stayed where she was, not looking at Laura, until Laura got up and headed into her room. Even though there’d been no talk of breaking up, Carmilla felt more distant from Laura than she’d ever felt before. She just wished she could figure out what to do to gain Laura’s trust back.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

They spent the next day spent just hanging out in Laura’s apartment, alternating between discussing potential rehab options for Carmilla and sitting in the living room reading books. Things were still tense between them, and Carmilla was starting to wonder if it was even possible for them to get things back to the way they’d been.

  
“I just don’t understand how it can be so hard to figure out what to do!’ Laura exclaimed after lunch, exasperated. “You start counseling, and you stop using, and then everything sorts itself out and things’ll be the way they’re supposed to be!”

  
“It’s not that easy, Laur,” Carmilla said, equally frustrated. She knew that Laura just wanted to see her get better, but for someone who’d studied psychology in college, Laura really was clueless when it came to addiction. “Addiction is a monster all of it’s own. One that I made a choice to get myself into, yes, but one that I have to fight like hell against now. At some point it stopped being a choice for me. It became something I had to do, like breathing or sleeping. And now I’m in the fight for my life because it’s not an option anymore. I just need you to know that just because I slipped up doesn’t mean that I’m done fighting. But you need to understand that now matter how long I stay sober, this addiction is always going to be a part of me.”

  
Laura was teary-eyed again as she reached across the table to take Carmilla’s hand. “I know how hard you’re trying, Carm. It was just so hard to find you in your bathroom and not know whether I was going to lose you or not. But I want so badly to see you beat this, and I’m going to be there every step of the way until that happens.” Laura hesitated. She could still hear LaFontaine’s words about love echoing through her head as she continued, “That’s what we do for the people we love.”

  
Carmilla’s head shot up; she wasn’t sure if she’d heard correctly. It wasn’t the same as saying ‘I love you,’ and Carmilla knew that, but she hadn’t expected to hear Laura say that she loved Carmilla so soon. “Thanks, Laur,” Carmilla said, smiling as she squeezed Laura’s hand. She wished she could tell Laura how much it meant to her to know that Laura would be at her side, but the right words just wouldn’t come to her. So instead she leaned across the table and kissed Laura. It was their first real kiss since the camping trip, and Carmilla felt a little more whole, and put together, as she felt Laura’s lips, curling into a smile against her own.


	16. Sometimes Failure is an Option

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla try to figure out how to get help for Carmilla's addiction, and Carmilla turns to Ms. Brown for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: drug abuse
> 
> Note: It may be fairly bleak at the moment, but I promise brighter things are on the horizon... eventually. And this may be a bad chapter for me to mention this on, given some of the angst, but my tumblr is hurtleturtle.tumblr.com for anyone that was interested :)

After work the next day, Carmilla headed back to the recovery shelter to talk to Ms. Brown again. She hadn’t been able to sleep very well the night before, thanks to Ms. Brown’s advice, which seemed to be playing on repeat in her head, no matter how many times she tried to think of something else. She thought that Ms. Brown might be on the right track with inpatient rehab, but she couldn’t get herself to agree with Ms. Brown’s opinion of her and Laura’s relationship.

  
When she got to the shelter, Carmilla rang the buzzer, let Ms. Brown know that it was her, and then headed into the lobby as soon as Ms. Brown buzzed her in. She was nervous, but Carmilla knew that she needed to figure out how to get her recovery back on track, and soon. There was no one better suited to helping her with that job than Ms. Brown.

  
“You said we could talk about different options for inpatient treatment?” Carmilla asked.

  
“Are you considering going inpatient?” Ms. Brown asked, sounding surprised. “I had the impression that you wanted to stick to more one-on-one counseling in the area.”

  
“That’s what I preferred, but I know that I need to do whatever it takes to actually beat this and learn how to deal with cravings better.”

  
“That’s all I needed to hear,” Ms. Brown said approvingly. “After you dropped by the other day, I started looking into different inpatient options for you, and I’ve got some information on some of the programs that I am more familiar with, if you would like to go over that.”

  
Carmilla just nodded. Ms. Brown laid out information on each center: there were seven in total, and Ms. Brown had put together sheets full of bullet points for each of them. Each page had the name and location of the rehab center. Below that, Ms. Brown had listed the overall price, whether any of it could be covered by insurance, and if they had any kind of payment plans. Finally, she’d listed the different kinds of facilities and treatments each center offered.

  
“Wow, Ms. Brown, thank you,” Carmilla said. She knew that Ms. Brown must have put in quite a bit of work to have all that information gathered in the short amount of time since Carmilla had talked to her.

  
“It’s my job,” Ms. Brown replied gruffly. “Now, in my opinion, these three would be best. They’re further away from the city, so you wouldn’t be tempted to come running back––whether that’s due to cravings or to see someone in the city. They’ve also got the best treatment options. I have had other former residents here go to some of these facilities, and they have been enormously successful. But, you have to decide what treatment is going to be best for you. So, let’s get started, shall we?”

  
Carmilla nodded. “Well, I don’t really know much about this kind of thing. But I think that I want to go somewhere that’s not in a city––if I’m in a city, it’s going to be too easy for me to find drugs if the temptation gets strong enough.”

  
“We can get rid of these two right away then,” Ms. Brown said.

  
Carmilla was impressed. She hadn’t expected to narrow it down to just five choices with one criteria. “Okay, well then obviously I need something that insurance will cover some of so that I can actually afford it.”

  
“I would like to narrow these down without considering cost, at least at first,” Ms. Brown suggested. “We have options when it comes to financing, but I don’t want you to make any compromises when it comes to choosing the right treatment for you.”

  
“Okay. Well, I think a combination of one-on-one counseling and group therapy would be good.”

  
“Have you considered other forms of therapy as well?”

  
“Not really,” Carmilla said, confused. “Are there many other options?”

  
“Of course,” Ms. Brown confirmed. “There are things like art therapy, music therapy, some places put more of an emphasis on physical activity. Does any of that sound like something you might be interested in?”

  
“I might be interested in trying some kind of art therapy––not painting, or anything like that. I think I might like writing. I think music therapy could be interesting too.”

  
Ms. Brown pushed three sheets towards Carmilla. “These centers would be the best fitted for you. They’re further away from the city, so you won’t have as many distractions. They do multiple forms of therapy, and their counselors are fully qualified psychologists, so if they diagnose you with any form of mental illness they can begin treating that as well. Each of these has also successfully implemented numerous forms of therapy that should help you open up a bit more. I know one of your problems here was opening up in group therapy. Writing or music therapy could help you there.”  
“What about visitation?” Carmilla asked. “Are any of these centers that Laura could come visit me at?”

  
“Well, none of these centers allow visitors for a certain period of time. Once you’re admitted, you will go to an initial evaluation, and they will determine then what your minimum stay should be and at what point you can have visitors. You won’t be completely cut off; you will have your phone, and you can always write letters. But it’s important that you’re doing this on your own. As wonderful as Ms. Hollis is, these centers want to make sure that you are completely focused on your recovery. Visitors just distract from that.”

  
Carmilla nodded, frowning slightly. She didn’t like the idea of being so far away, and Laura not even being able to visit. But she needed to recover. Her relationship with Laura wouldn’t mean anything if she just kept relapsing and struggling with her addiction without truly addressing it.

  
“Ms. Karnstein?” Ms. Brown asked.

  
“Sorry, it’s just––it’s a lot to process.”

  
“Would you like to go ahead and go over the pricing for each of these? There are still other factors that you should consider before you make your final decision, but I can go over some of the financing options with you now, and then you’ll be more informed when you look over these on your own.”

  
“Sure,” Carmilla agreed. She was feeling nervous again though: Ms. Brown was talking like Carmilla had already committed to going to an inpatient rehab center, and Carmilla was still nervous about making such a huge commitment. Despite her recent relapse, Carmilla was still convinced that she could quit heroin just by focusing on her job and her relationship with Laura.

  
Ms. Brown went over the costs for each center. All three took partial insurance, but each would still cost thousands of dollars. Carmilla didn’t understand how she could possibly afford to pay for anything like that. But Ms. Brown patiently explained the different payment plans that each center had in place, and she assured Carmilla that there were other options. Ms. Brown didn’t go into any detail, but she mentioned that she knew several of the recovery shelter’s benefactors, who may be willing to contribute to the cost of Carmilla’s rehab program.

  
“Why don’t you take these, think over everything we’ve talked about, and get back to me in a week or so. I understand that this is a very important decision for you, and I don’t want you to decide on anything until you are completely sure. Think about it, talk to Ms. Hollis, and I will speak to some of our benefactors. And Carmilla?”

  
Carmilla raised her eyebrows, waiting for Ms. Brown to speak.

  
“You will need to talk to Mr. Armitage. If insurance is going to cover any of the costs of this program, he will have to keep you on his company’s insurance for the duration of your rehab. I know you don’t want to disappoint him, but he has to know what is going on.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She didn’t know much about how insurance worked, but she knew that she only had insurance through her job. She didn’t love the idea of laying out all her dirty secrets for JP, though. “Thank you, Ms. Brown. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out with everything. It means a lot.”

  
“Of course,” Ms. Brown said, smiling warmly. “I just want to see you beat this addiction, Ms. Karnstein. If you have any other questions, you know where to find me.”

  
Carmilla nodded again, and tucked the papers into her backpack before heading out the door. Ms. Brown had given her a lot to think about.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Since Carmilla was busy working with Ms. Brown that night, Laura went to LaFontaine and Perry’s for dinner. She needed to talk to her friends anyway: as committed to Carmilla as she was, dealing with Carmilla’s addiction was exhausting, and Laura needed to talk to someone other than Carmilla about it. She headed straight to their apartment after work, looking forward to seeing them again. Laura hadn’t really had the chance to talk to LaFontaine after they’d helped Laura with Carmilla when she’d last relapse, and she felt like she owed it to them to tell them what was going on.

  
“Hey, Laur,” LaFontaine said, greeting Laura at the door. “What, no Carmilla tonight?”

  
“She’s busy,” Laura said, not offering much more of an explanation.

  
“Well that’s cool, it’ll be just like old times,” LaFontaine laughed. They grinned as Perry came into the room. That was one of Laura’s favorite things about LaFontaine: the way that they, after all these years, still seemed to light up whenever Perry came into the room. “How is Carmilla doing, by the way?”

  
“She’s doing much better, thanks,” Laura replied, glad to be able to give a positive report. “She hasn’t used again since that night that you helped me out with her, and we’ve been working on figuring out what steps she should take next, to continue her rehab process. I think she may have left the recovery shelter too soon, but she wants to keep her job, and keep her life the way it is now, so I don’t think she wants to go back to a full-time recovery center.”

  
LaFontaine just nodded, listening intently.

  
“I just worry about her. I’m just afraid that she’ll choose the wrong type of rehab, and it won’t actually help her, and we’ll end up in this cycle of getting sober, and then using again, and I just don’t have it in me to deal with that. It’s been really, really hard to be there for her through just this one relapse. I don’t know if I could do this over and over.”

  
“Hey, it’s going to be alright, Laur,” LaFontaine said, patting Laura on the shoulder. “Everything’s going to work itself out, one way or another.”

  
Laura just nodded, willing herself not to start crying again. She wished she could stop crying about this whole situation; Carmilla was doing better again, and she was completely committed to getting sober. But Laura always worried about the people she cared about, and these days it felt like all she did was worry about Carmilla.

  
“Laura, if you ever need to just get away for a bit, you know we’re always here,” Perry offered.

  
“Thanks, Perry,” Laura said softly. “I don’t want to get away though––I’m going to be there for her, whatever she needs. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard. I had no idea how much it could hurt to watch someone that you love fight so hard and struggle so much with something. I guess I just thought––we didn’t start dating until she’d been sober nearly six months, and I guess I thought that was long enough. I had no idea that she might relapse again!”

  
“No one can predict those kinds of things,” LaFontaine assured her. “And addiction is hard. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good someone’s life is going, if they’ve got a bad enough craving for whatever they’re addicted to, and they don’t have the right support system, they could still relapse. It doesn’t matter if they’ve got six months clean or six years.”

  
“Not sure that makes me feel any better,” Laura pouted.

  
“Listen, you guys are doing the right thing. You’re working on figuring out a rehab option for her, and once you find the right one, she’ll be back on the right path, and then you can figure out everything else.”

  
Laura knew that the ‘everything else’ referred to Laura and Carmilla’s relationship. She knew that LaFontaine wasn’t crazy about Laura dating Carmilla––not when Carmilla was struggling so much with her addiction. They were just worried about Laura, and how Carmilla’s struggle to get and stay clean would affect her. But Laura couldn’t leave Carmilla, not after everything they’d worked through together. Plus, she figured, it had taken her long enough to realize that she liked Carmilla, she wasn’t going to give her up so easily.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Carmilla headed back to her apartment, the papers from Ms. Brown tucked away in her backpack, but still weighing heavily on her mind. She trusted Ms. Brown’s judgment, and she knew that if Ms. Brown though inpatient rehab was the best choice for Carmilla, then she was probably right. But at the same time, Carmilla still didn’t think her addiction was bad enough to warrant spending thousands of dollars on a rehab program when she could just stay at her job, stay with Laura, and go to counseling a few times a week.

  
Carmilla knew that Laura was going to LaFontaine and Perry’s place for dinner that night, and although ordinarily, Carmilla would have joined, just to spend more time with Laura, she didn’t feel up to seeing LaFontaine that night. She vaguely remembered LaFontaine being there in her bathroom when she’d last used, and Carmilla guessed that they weren’t exactly her biggest fan at the moment. So Carmilla just returned to her apartment instead, heated up a frozen dinner, and sat down at the dining room table to look over the information Ms. Brown had given her.

  
There was the Zach Oliver Rehabilitation Center, which was nearly three hours from the city. It was a ranch near the mountains, and offered individual counseling, group therapy, art, music, and exercise therapy, and allowed visitors on weekends only, after residents had achieved several steps in the recovery process. Carmilla like the sound of a lot of what they had to offer, but they were also the most expensive of the three options. Insurance would only cover a third of the costs, and it would cost Carmilla $16,000 a month after insurance.

  
The second option was Lifestyles Recovery, which catered to young women with a variety of addiction: from alcoholism and drug abuse to self-harm and eating disorders. They also offered individual and group therapy, as well as numerous alternative forms of therapy. They also had a more structured approach to developing coping mechanisms, and allowed for more visiting hours, although visitation had to be earned at this center as well. Lifestyles Recovery was only an hour and a half from the city, and although it was still close enough to the city to be near suburban neighborhoods, the center itself seemed to have as much space as a private country club. Insurance would cover a little more than half the costs for Lifestyles Recovery, and Carmilla would have to figure out how to pay $5,000 each month.

  
Finally, there was Heroes and Heroines Addiction Recovery (Carmilla swore that if the name of the center was meant as a pun, she was _not_ going to go there for treatment). They offered most of the same treatment options as the other two centers, but were much farther away. It was nearly ten hours driving from the city, and Carmilla couldn’t help but calculate when and for how long Laura would be able to visit her when she was so far away. Heroes and Heroines was more expensive than Lifestyles, but not by much. Carmilla already knew that it would come down to a decision between Lifestyles and Heroes and Heroines.

  
Carmilla felt exhausted from looking at all the information for the recovery centers, especially when it was obviously that even if she did need an inpatient rehab center, she would never be able to afford it. She got up from the table and crossed over to the refrigerator. Carmilla grabbed herself a bottle of wine and poured herself a generous glass before heading into her living room, grabbing a book as she started drinking.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura spent a good portion of the night with LaFontaine and Perry, catching up with them on all the things she’d missed while she’d been busy with her new relationship with Carmilla. Perry was busy making lesson plans for her fourth grade class, even though the start of the new school year was still several months away. LaFontaine had gotten their new grant, and they were excited about their research moving forward. They ranted on and on about their research, using words that Perry seemed to be able to follow, but that was completely unintelligible to Laura.

  
“Thank you both so much for having me tonight,” Laura said, hugging each of them as she pulled on a thin jacket. “I miss hanging out, just the three of us.”

  
“We do need to do this more often,” Perry said cheerfully. She stepped back and immediately leaned against LaFontaine’s side, fitting against them like that’s where she was meant to be. “You know we’re always happy to have you.”

  
LaFontaine beamed, their hand already resting on Perry’s back. “Anytime, Laur. And tell Carmilla I said hi. If she’s still worried about that whole ‘finding her in the bathroom’ thing, tell her it’s no big deal.”

  
“Thanks, Laf,” Laura said, smiling. “Alright, I’ll see you guys later.”

  
“See you, Laur,” LaFontaine called as Laura headed out the door.

  
As Laura headed down the stairs of LaFontaine and Perry’s apartment building, she pulled her phone from her pocket and called Carmilla. She knew that Carmilla was spending time with Ms. Brown that evening, but it was nearly 8:00 and Laura figured that she was probably back home by now. But the phone rang and rang, and eventually went to voicemail. Laura frowned as she ended the call. She wished that she didn’t worry so much, but when she couldn’t get ahold of Carmilla, Laura’s mind always wandered to the worst case scenario. So when she walked out of LaFontaine and Perry’s apartment building, she headed for Carmilla’s apartment rather than her own.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

After an hour of drinking wine, Carmilla was feeling well on her way to being drunk. She wasn’t drunk enough to slur her words, but she was drunk enough that she was starting to feel numb. All her frustrations with the process of trying to figure out recovery options had faded away, and the only thing Carmilla cared about was making all her problems fade into the background. She looked down at her alcohol, and she knew that the glass of wine just wasn’t enough. She needed something stronger––she needed heroin. Carmilla sighed. She’d been trying not to use, and she knew that using again would be like taking several steps backwards.

  
Carmilla drained her glass of wine. She got up from the couch, grabbed her phone, her headphones and her leather jacket, and headed out the door. Carmilla fumbled with her headphones for a minute, before finally getting them plugged into her phone and getting the earbuds successfully into her ears. She put on a random playlist, and started walking through the city, staring at the toes of her scuffed combat boots as she walked.

  
She wasn’t thinking as she walked; her feet seemed to know where to take her. Carmilla had spent so much time walking the streets of her city that it was second nature to her. Even though she didn’t think about where she was going, she just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and before she knew it, she looked up from the sidewalk, and found herself staring at the front door to Mark’s house.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Laura speed walked her way to Carmilla’s apartment, checking her phone every few seconds to see if Carmilla had texted or called her back. But she still hadn’t heard anything, and she was getting worried. So she got to Carmilla’s apartment as fast as she could, and let herself in.

  
“Carm?” Laura called, wandering through the apartment. Her heart was pounding; the last time she’d been in this situation, she’d found Carmilla lying practically unconscious on her bathroom floor. But Laura walked through the entire apartment, through the bedroom, and into the bathroom, and found no sign of her girlfriend. She tried calling her again, sitting on the edge of Carmilla’s bed as she listened to the phone ring repeatedly before going to voicemail yet again.

  
Laura cursed as she hung up and tucked her phone back into her pocket. She walked back around the apartment, looking around to see if Carmilla had left any sign of where she might have gone. Laura wandered through the bedroom, and through the living room, before she noticed Carmilla’s backpack hanging off the back of one of the dining room chairs, and a few sheets of paper spread across the dining room table. She crossed over to the table and started sifting through the papers, skimming them to see what they said.

  
“Inpatient?” Laura read aloud. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Was Carmilla seriously looking into leaving, going to an inpatient facility for her addiction? She’d never mentioned anything like that to Laura, and Laura couldn’t believe that _that_ was what Carmilla and Ms. Brown had been discussing. Why hadn’t Carmilla said anything to Laura? And where was she? As far as Laura could tell, the only things not in the apartment were Carmilla and her phone. So why wasn’t she answering her phone?

  
Since it was obvious that Carmilla wasn’t in her apartment, Laura decided to head to her apartment instead. Sometimes Carmilla hung out at Laura’s apartment rather than her own, so it was entirely possible that she had gone there instead.

  
Laura tried calling Carmilla again as she headed back across town to her apartment, but there was still no answer. The more time that passed without any word from Carmilla, the more worried Laura got. As fast as she walked, it still took Laura twenty minutes to get to her apartment. She hurried up to the apartment, and called out Carmilla’s name as she entered her apartment.

  
“Carm, you here?”

  
Laura took a lap of her apartment, even though she’d known as soon as she walked into a dark apartment that Carmilla wasn’t there. She still checked both bedrooms, and even poked her head into the bathroom. But, just like she’d thought, Carmilla wasn’t there. Laura tried calling Carmilla again. By now, she was frustrated. Why would Carmilla just take off, especially when she knew how worried Laura would get about her?

  
Laura tried to think of the places that Carmilla might go: her first thought would have been either of their apartments, but Laura had already checked both of those. If Carmilla’s backpack hadn’t been at her apartment, Laura might have guessed that she was at the recovery shelter with Ms. Brown. The only other spot Laura could think of was JP’s bookshop, but that had been closed for hours.

  
Laura’s heart sank as she realized the only other place that Carmilla might be: her dealer’s house. “Shit,” Laura cursed, closing her eyes and turning her face towards the ceiling. Carmilla had just used almost a week ago, and Laura knew that Carmilla wasn’t in the bed place in terms of her recovery. Laura dialed Carmilla’s number again, praying that Carmilla would answer this time.

  
When the call went to voicemail again, Laura finally left a message this time. “Carm, call me. I’m getting really worried. Just tell me where you are, okay?”

  
Laura started pacing the living room, trying to think of where Carmilla might be. Carmilla had never told her where her dealer lived, and Laura was racking her brains, trying to remember anything Carmilla had said that might indicate where her dealer lived, and where Laura might be able to find Carmilla now.

  
Suddenly, Laura remembered the night that Carmilla had called her, in a panic, because she’d had a panic attack as a result of trying to resist her cravings for heroin. Laura had found her curled up on a street corner, and she remembered that Carmilla had pointed down one of the streets, and told Laura that her dealer lived just fifteen minutes down that street. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

 

 

Half an hour later, Laura knew that she had to be in the right area for Carmilla’s dealer’s house. She walked to the street corner where she’d helped Carmilla through her panic attack, and then she’d walked fifteen minutes in the direction that she remembered Carmilla pointing. But now, it seemed kind of pointless. There were dozens of house around, lining either side of the street, and there was no way for Laura to know which house Carmilla might be in at that moment.

  
Laura tried calling Carmilla again, although she didn’t really expect an answer. And, sure enough, the phone just rang several times before bouncing to voicemail again. Laura sank to the curb, and dropped her head into her hands. She had done everything she could to find Carmilla, and it still just wasn’t good enough. She felt like she’d failed.

 

 

Laura sat on the curb for what felt like hours. She felt like someone had just torn her heart out, and left her with an empty chest, and she just couldn’t get herself up off the sidewalk and on her way back home.

  
“Can I help you with something?”

  
Laura looked up, and found a young man, probably just a few years older than her, standing over her. She realised how it must look, her sitting there on the curb for so long. “Oh, sorry,” she stammered. “I just… I’m trying to find my girlfriend, and I thought she might be around here somewhere. It was stupid.”

  
The man’s face shifted slightly, his lips turning into a thinner line. “I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but is your girlfriend at all interested in drugs? Because if so, she’s in the grey house just over there––number 756.”

  
Laura stared at him, surprised. He just shrugged and said, “The cops won’t do anything about it because apparently they don’t have enough reason to get a warrant. But everyone in the neighborhood sees the kind of people that are always going in and out of there.”

  
Laura wanted to strangle the man. He was being so flippant, and Carmilla was one of those people that he was talking about with such disdain. He didn’t know the first thing about Carmilla, who was he to judge? Laura just glared at him as he turned away and headed back into his house. Laura sat on the curb for a minute longer––for some reason, she felt self conscious about the man watching out his window. But she barely waited for a minute before she shot up from the curb and hurried over to the house with the numbers 756 over the door. She knocked, hard, on the door, shifting back and forth as she waited for someone to answer the door.

  
“What’s up, short stack?” the man who opened the door asked lazily. His eyes were half-closed, and his nearly shoulder-length hair was greasy and slicked back. Laura decided on the spot that she didn’t like him.

  
“I’m looking for Carmilla,” she said shortly, crossing her arms.

  
“Hot chick with black hair?” the man asked, his lips curling into a creepy smile.

  
“Sounds like her,” Laura snapped.

  
“Sure thing. She’s in the living room.” The man stared after Laura as she pushed past him into the house. “Yo, wait! What’s your poison?”

  
“Don’t have one,” Laura hissed as she rushed into the living room. She glanced around––there were twelve people, all draped over sofas and lying across beanbags on the floor. But––Laura recognized her with a sinking heart––there was Carmilla, speaking slowly, her eyes slightly puffy as she looked over at Laura.

  
“There she is,” Carmilla said, smiling lazily. “That’s my girl!”

  
“We’ll see about that,” Laura muttered under her breath, crossing the room and reaching out for Carmilla’s hand. “Come on, can we go home?”

  
Carmilla raised her hand, dragging it through the air like it was too heavy for her. “For you, cupcake? Anything.”

  
Laura felt tears pricking at the edges of her eyes as she pulled Carmilla to her feet, but she couldn’t tell if she was ready to cry out of sadness or anger. Carmilla practically fell against Laura’s side as Laura tried to lead her out of the house. She wrapped her arm around Laura’s shoulders, and pressed a sloppy kiss to Laura’s cheek.

  
“I’m glad you’re here,” she slurred, as Laura led the way out of the house and out onto the sidewalk, ignoring Mark’s protests that they should stay.

  
“Sure, I’m so glad we could have such a great date night together, Carm!” Laura snapped. She’d only gotten Carmilla a few feet down the sidewalk, and she was already frustrated with her girlfriend. Carmilla could barely walk straight; Laura felt like she was back in college, trying to take care of an overly drunk friend. It didn’t help at all that Carmilla was obviously too high to feel bad about the fact that she had relapsed yet again.

 

 

It took Laura over forty minutes to get Carmilla back to Carmilla’s apartment. She walked Carmilla into her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. She was angry, but Carmilla was way too out of it to have a serious conversation about anything at that moment. So Laura helped Carmilla out of her clothes and into her pajamas, doing her best to ignore the ugly bruise and track marks that marred Carmilla’s inner arm. She sat Carmilla down in the bed, and dragged a chair in from the dining room so that she could keep an eye on her girlfriend in case anything happened.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

The next morning, the first thing Carmilla saw when she woke up was Laura, slouching in one of her dining room chairs, her arms folded over her chest, and her head drooped forward onto her chest. Carmilla was confused for a second––until the memories of the night before came rushing back.

  
“Fuck,” Carmilla groaned, rolling onto her side and slamming her fist against the mattress. She couldn’t believe she’d screwed up so badly–– _again_. She remembered drinking her wine, and then it felt like someone else had controlled her actions: taking her to Mark’s house, promising him that she would pay him for the drugs the next time she came by, and injecting the drugs into her veins. Twice. She’d gotten drunk, and shot up _twice_. “What a fucking failure,” Carmilla breathed.

  
It only took a few minutes for Carmilla to decide what to do next. She got up, dressed, and headed out the door to go see Ms. Brown. She couldn’t bear the thought of Laura finding her in that god-awful house. And Carmilla knew that for Laura to even get to Mark’s house, she must have been worried sick. It was time for Carmilla to make some big changes––even if that meant that she had to do things that she wasn’t crazy about.


	17. A Parting of Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla reaches the tipping point and must decide what to do next; Laura has to deal with Carmilla's choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of drug abuse

As soon as Carmilla left her apartment, she headed straight for the recovery center. She was furious with herself for relapsing yet again, but she hated herself for the fact that Laura had found her, in Mark’s house, completely high. She couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like for Laura to go through that. Until then, Carmilla had been convinced that she could work through her addiction with some counseling and a few people supporting her. But now, it was like a switch had been flipped. She knew that she had to go to an inpatient facility if she really wanted to get better.

  
Carmilla pressed the buzzer twice when she got to the front door of the recovery shelter. She felt frantic, like everything could fall apart at any moment if she didn’t get the help that she needed immediately. Ms. Brown’s voice echoed through the machine, and when Carmilla said she needed to talk to her, Ms. Brown buzzed Carmilla in immediately.

  
Ms. Brown could tell that something was wrong as soon as Carmilla stormed into the lobby of the recovery center. “Miss Karnstein?”

  
“I want to go to Lifestyles Recovery,” Carmilla blurted out. “As soon as possible.”

  
Ms. Brown stuttered for a moment, trying to find the right words. “Carmilla, I don’t even know if they have any spots open at the moment. And we haven’t discussed financing, and you haven’t talked to Mr. Armitage yet to see if he will keep you on his insurance. There are a lot of things that we have to do before we can get you into an inpatient center.”

  
“Fine. Can you call JP? I need to do this now.”

  
“Of course,” Ms. Brown said. Carmilla could tell that she wanted to hear more about the newfound urgency behind Carmilla’s decision, but she just reached for her phone and calmly punched in JP’s number. Carmilla listened anxiously as Ms. Brown spoke. “Mr. Armitage, hello. Yes, I am actually here with Ms. Karnstein and we were wondering if you might be free to come over here. There are a few things we both would like to discuss with you.” Ms. Brown paused, nodding. “Ms. Karnstein is safe. She is with me right now… Okay. Excellent, thank you. We will see you soon.”

  
Carmilla looked up expectantly as Ms. Brown hung up the phone. “He’s on his way. Now, would you like to tell me what’s going on? You seem a lot more frantic about this than you did last night.”

  
“I messed up,” Carmilla said, her voice thick. “I was frustrated. It was a lot to think about, and I couldn’t make a decision. I had some wine… the next thing I knew Laura was in my dealer’s house, dragging me out.” Carmilla couldn’t meet Ms. Brown’s eyes; she couldn’t bear to see the look of disappointment that she was sure she’d find. “I didn’t think I was bad enough for inpatient treatment. I guess I was wrong.”

  
Ms. Brown nodded. “Well, we can sort this out as soon as Mr. Armitage arrives. Are you sure that Lifestyles is the center you liked best?”

  
“They have all the different facilities and treatment options I’m looking for. They are the most affordable.”

  
“Very well. I’ll start making a few calls while we wait for Mr. Armitage to arrive.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

When Laura woke up that morning, she sat up and stretched, her back stiff. She didn’t know when she’d fallen asleep, but she knew that she must have spent hours sleeping in the dining room chair. Laura looked around, realizing suddenly that Carmilla was no longer in the bed. She ran through the apartment, her heart starting to race again. She couldn’t keep doing this. Carmilla was gone––again. Laura felt like she was about to have a heart attack as she pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed Carmilla’s number with shaking hands.

  
“Carm?!” Laura practically started crying with happiness when she heard her girlfriend’s voice on the other end of the call. “Carm, are you okay?”

  
“I’m fine, Laur. I’m sorry for taking off. I’m with Ms. Brown right now. I’m so, so sorry, Laura. I really did think I was better than that. I never wanted you to see me in a place like that.”

  
“We can talk about it later,” Laura sighed, sinking into the futon in the living room. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so drained. “Just text me to keep me posted on where you are.”

  
“I will.”

  
Laura hung up the phone and laid back on the futon, draping her arm over her eyes. She would do anything for Carmilla, but it was getting really, really hard for her to be there for her girlfriend, especially when Carmilla was struggling so much with her addiction. It didn’t take long for Laura to fall asleep, still clutching her phone, the green blanket she’d bought Carmilla as a house-warming gift draped over her legs.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When JP arrived at the recovery shelter, Carmilla felt herself getting more and more anxious. She’d come to really respect JP, and she wasn’t looking forward to telling him everything that had happened and asking if she could stay on his insurance while she went inpatient. He walked into the lobby, glancing from Ms. Brown to Carmilla, his brows knitted together in concern. It was a Sunday, and he was dressed a little bit nicer than usual: pressed grey dress pants, a matching vest, a white button-down under the vest, and a bowtie that was carefully tied. Carmilla knew that Ms. Brown’s call had probably pulled him from a lovely day with his husband.

  
“You two look like you’ve been plotting something,” JP said, pulling up a seat next to Carmilla. “So, what’s going on?”

  
Ms. Brown looked at Carmilla, waiting for her to speak. Although Carmilla was glad she could speak for herself, she did kind of wish that Ms. Brown would do all the talking for her. She took a deep breath, and then started talking. “JP, I’ve been really struggling lately. I thought that I had my addiction under control. I thought that if I just threw myself into work and trying to have a normal life that everything would be okay. But it’s not.”

  
“I have noticed that you haven’t quite been yourself lately,” JP noted. “So, how bad is it?”

  
Carmilla looked down at her hands again. This was the part she hadn’t wanted to admit to anyone. It was hard enough to admit it to herself. “I relapsed. A few times.”  
JP just nodded, frowning. He didn’t seem surprised, but he didn’t seem overly upset either. “I am sorry to hear that, Carmilla. What’s the next step?”

  
“That is why we asked you here, Mr. Armitage,” Ms. Brown said. “We found a treatment facility for Ms. Karnstein that should help her beat her addiction and learn better coping mechanisms. However, she can only afford it if she has insurance to help cover some of the costs.”

  
JP looked from Ms. Brown to Carmilla. “So you’re asking me if I can keep Carmilla on my shop’s insurance policy for however long it takes for her to complete inpatient rehab?” Ms. Brown and Carmilla both nodded. JP bit at the inside of his lip, thinking. “As much as I want to see you recover, that’s a lot to ask. There are a lot of things I have to consider. Can you be sure that this will work? Will you be willing to come back to work once you complete your treatment? If I am going to continue paying insurance costs for your coverage, I need to know that it will be worth it.”

  
Carmilla bit her lip. She hated making promises when she wasn’t sure whether or not she would be able to keep them. “I can’t guarantee that it will work,” Carmilla said carefully. “But I’m going to do everything I can to make it work. And I would love to come back to work at the bookshop after I get out of treatment. If you still want me to work there.”

  
“How soon do I need to make a decision?” JP asked.

  
“We need to know as soon as possible,” Ms. Brown answered. “I talked to the woman who runs intake at the rehab center and they have a few beds open. The sooner we know if Ms. Karnstein can afford this, the sooner we can get her in treatment.”

  
“I’ll try to have a decision to you by the end of the day,” JP said. He nodded to Carmilla, his brow furrowed. Carmilla knew that she’d given him a lot to think about, and she hated herself for having put so many people in her life in such an uncomfortable position.

  
“Can I stay here until we get this figured out?” Carmilla asked. She didn’t want to go home and face Laura, and she didn’t trust herself to go anywhere else without taking a detour to Mark’s house.

  
“Of course. There’s a group session this afternoon if you would like to join. I’m sure that Will and Brody and the others will be happy to see you back in session. Have you talked to Laura?”

  
“She knows I’m here,” Carmilla answered. She didn’t want to give much more of an answer than that.

 

 

When Carmilla walked into the group session that day, Brody practically ran across the room to her and scooped her up in a bear hug. Carmilla groaned, pushing against him.

  
“Never do that again,” Carmilla said, rubbing her side as Brody set her back down. “And what are you still doing here?”

  
“Oh, I’m still going for the record for longest stay,” Brody said, nodding and grinning smugly.

  
“Alright, Brody,” Carmilla said, turning away from him to find a seat. Despite Brody’s jokes about having the longest stay at the clinic, Carmilla knew that he was just afraid of going back out into the real world and having to face his addiction outside the confines of the shelter. Carmilla couldn’t blame him; she’d had so much trouble lately that she could understand why someone might want to spend as long as possible in such a sheltered environment.

  
“Okay, everyone, let’s get to work,” Will announced, entering the room. He did a slight double-take when he saw Carmilla, but he recovered smoothly and continued, “Today we’re going to talk about different coping mechanisms when you find yourself craving drugs.”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes. She really didn’t want to talk about coping mechanisms of all things the day after she’d relapsed.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Carmilla spent most of the afternoon just reading in the common room, waiting to hear back from JP. She tried to focus on the book she was reading, and to push thoughts of her boss from her head. She’d come to really respect JP, and she felt like she’d betrayed his trust. And worse than that, she was now asking him to keep paying her insurance despite the fact that she’d be gone for months. Carmilla felt like she’d let down everyone let down everyone she cared about. The book just wasn’t enough to get her out of her own head.

  
Near dinnertime, Carmilla’s phone buzzed. She answered it after the first ring, grateful for the distraction. “Hello?”

  
“Hey, Carm.” It was Laura, and even though Carmilla knew that Laura must be angry with her, it felt good to hear her voice.

  
“Hey,” Carm answered, smiling as she set her book down.

  
“So… what’s going on?”

  
“I’m at the recovery shelter. Ms. Brown said I can stay here until we figure out something else. I’m going to be staying the night here.”

  
“Can I come by? I think we need to talk.”

  
“I’ll be here,” Carmilla sighed.

  
“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” Laura said.

  
Carmilla went back to her book, although now trying to read was pretty much pointless. She couldn’t focus on the words on the page. She was too nervous about whether or not JP would keep her on his insurance, and on what Laura wanted to talk to her about. Sighing heavily, Carmilla tossed the book aside and headed back out to the lobby to talk to Ms. Brown again.

  
“Any news?” she asked, leaning against the counter.

  
“Not yet,” Ms. Brown answered, shaking her head. “Mr. Armitage is a good man, Carmilla. And he seems to be quite fond of you. Try not to worry about it too much at the moment.”

  
Carmilla nodded. “Um… Laura’s going to come by in a bit so that we can talk. I hope that’s alright?”

  
“Of course,” Ms. Brown replied. “I am always glad to see Ms. Hollis. I am sure that the two of you have quite a bit to talk about.”

 

 

Half an hour later, and still with no news from JP, Laura rang the buzzer at the recovery center. Ms. Brown let her in, and they greeted each other warmly before Ms. Brown pointed Laura into the common room, where Carmilla was leaning back against the sofa, her eyes closed.

  
“Thanks,” Laura said, nodding to Ms. Brown as she headed into the common room. “Hey there,” she said softly as she walked up nearly silently behind Carmilla.  
“Hey!” Carmilla said, swinging her legs off the side of the couch and looking eagerly at her girlfriend. “I’m glad you came.”

  
“I wanted to talk to you,” Laura said, shrugging. “A lot has happened lately, and I think that we need to talk about it.”

  
“Do we have to?” Carmilla asked, frowning, even though she already knew the answer to that question.

  
“I kind of think we do,” Laura said. She pulled up a chair and sat down across from Carmilla, twisting her hands together as she started talking. “Carm, I really, really like you. I like spending time with you, and hanging out, and it’s easy to talk to you, and things used to feel so easy with you. But lately, I feel like I spend all my time worrying about you, and where you are, and what you’re doing, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be sitting at work, trying to do my job, wondering if you’re at home reading a book or out at your dealer’s house getting high. I just––I don’t have the brain space to deal with your addiction all the time.”

  
“I know, Laur, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to bring you into the middle of all this. I never want to hurt you.”

  
“I know that, Carm,” Laura assured her. She wanted to reach out and grab Carmilla’s hand, but there were things she needed to say and she didn’t want to lose track of her train of thought. “And I know you’re trying, I just… I can’t keep worrying about whether or not you’re going to be okay at the end of each day. I don’t think you understand how scary it is to walk into your apartment and not know if I’m going to see you sitting on the sofa or find you unconscious in the bathroom.”

  
“I’m doing everything I can to beat this,” Carmilla said. She still hadn’t told Laura about the inpatient facilities she was looking at; she just didn’t know how to bring it up.

  
“You mean by going to an inpatient rehab center somewhere far away from the city?” Laura asked, not meeting Carmilla’s eyes.

  
“Wha––how did––”

  
“You left your papers out on your table in the dining room. When I was trying to find you last night, I saw them. I didn’t know that you were looking into those. I mean, I know it would help you out a lot, but we never talked about that?”

  
“I know,” Carmilla admitted. “It’s something Ms. Brown and I have been talking about. We both think it would be the best way for me to get the kind of treatment I need. I obviously didn’t get far enough during my stay here. I don’t think I can get to where I need to be just by going to counseling for an hour a few times a week.”

  
Laura nodded slowly. She was trying to justify wanting the best for her girlfriend with her desire to keep Carmilla close to her. True, she was exhausted from worrying about Carmilla, and angry for the times she’d had to find Carmilla, passed out in a bathroom, or nearly limp in her drug dealers house. But that didn’t mean she wanted her gone.

  
“Laura?” Carmilla asked hesitantly. She waited until Laura looked up at her before she said, “You know I would do anything for you, right?”

Laura frowned as she felt tears in her eyes. “It’s not enough, Carm.”

  
“I know,” Carmilla said, frustrated. “I know. But I am doing everything I can.”

  
There was a long pause before Laura said, “I am glad you’re staying here tonight. I think it’s good for you. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

  
“No, I think I’m good,” Carmilla said. She wanted nothing more than to hug Laura, or kiss her, or even just pull her close and curl up on the couch with her. Anything to make things feel better between them, even if only for a moment.

  
“Okay. Well, call me if you need anything. Good night, Carm.”

  
“Good night.”

  
They sat there for a few more seconds, Carmilla looking down at her hands, Laura watching Carmilla. And then Laura got up, and started to walk out. She was almost at the door before she turned around, hurried back over to Carmilla, and hugged her awkwardly from the side. Carmilla was taken by surprise, and only managed to pat awkwardly at Laura’s arm.

  
“I’m still here for you,” Laura said, kissing Carmilla on the cheek. “Whatever happens next, we’ll deal with it when we get there.”

  
Carmilla just smiled slightly. Laura kissed her cheek again and then headed out, leaving Carmilla on the couch, still upset with herself for screwing things up, but feeling at least a little bit better after talking to Laura.

 

 

It took another hour before Ms. Brown finally called Carmilla back into the lobby. “Mr. Armitage just called,” she said.

  
Carmilla was nervous. She felt like there was a lot riding on what Ms. Brown said next. “So what did he say?”

  
“He’s going to keep you on––but he has a few conditions.”

  
“Name them,” Carmilla said. She would do whatever it took to be able to afford this rehab program.

  
“First, he said it costs him $400 per month for your insurance. He would like you to pay that back within a year of completing the rehab program. Second, he asks that you commit to working at his bookshop for at least one year after finishing the program––and before you say anything, Mr. Armitage wanted me to assure you that, should you decide to start college, he will work with your schedule so that you can do that.”

  
It only took Carmilla a few moments to think it over before agreeing. It would be hard to pay JP back however much she owed him at the end of her stint in rehab, but Carmilla felt like it was the least she could do.

  
“Of course,” Carmilla agreed.

“Excellent. Well, in that case, I can actually get you to Lifestyles as early as tomorrow. You just need to let me know when you are ready. It’s a big decision to make.”

  
“Can I sleep on it?” Carmilla asked. She knew that she needed to go to Lifestyles if she wanted her life to get to where she wanted it, but at the same time, Carmilla hated the idea of moving so far away from Laura for so long.

  
“Of course,” Ms. Brown said. “You have to do what’s right for you.”

  
Carmilla nodded and headed back into the shelter. She had a different room than the one she’d had when she’d first stayed at the recovery shelter, but the layout still felt familiar. She laid down on the bed, but her mind was working far too fast for her to go to sleep. Carmilla just laid there, staring at the ceiling, practically wishing that someone could make up her mind for her.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Carmilla barely slept that night. She couldn’t remember a decision ever being so difficult for her, and even though she woke up and knew that she was going to go to Lifestyles, she didn’t feel like her heart was truly in it. She felt like she had built a life for herself, with a job and a girlfriend, and even though she knew that her job at least would be waiting for her when she got back, Carmilla didn’t want to leave.

  
Carmilla practically dragged herself from her room to the front desk, where Ms. Brown was sitting, reading through some of the mail the center had received that morning.

  
“Ms. Brown?” Carmilla asked. She took a deep breath as Ms. Brown turned to face her. “I’d like to go to Lifestyles.”

  
“I’m glad to hear it,” Ms. Brown replied. “What do you need to do before you go? I know you’ll need to pack your things, and I assume you would like to say farewell to Ms. Hollis as well?”

  
“Actually, I think I’m going to leave Laura a note. The hardest part about all this is leaving her. If I actually go see her, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make myself go.”

  
“Very well. I can have someone go with you to your apartment to pack your belongings. If we leave here this afternoon we should be able to get you there in time for dinner.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She would have offered to go to her apartment and pack her things on her own, but she knew that the temptation to run off to Mark’s house would be difficult to fight. So she just agreed with Ms. Brown, and soon, Will was standing in the lobby, ready to go.

  
“So, you’re going inpatient?” Will asked as he and Carmilla headed down the street towards Carmilla’s apartment.

  
“Yes. I did my best to do this mostly on my own, but that obviously isn’t working. I think it’s time to really commit to my recovery.”

  
“I think it’s great,” Will offered. “You know, we do our best at the recovery shelter, but resources are limited, and there’s only so much we can do and only so many people we can help.”

  
Carmilla just shrugged noncommittally. She knew that everyone that worked in the recovery shelter did their best, but it was clear to her that they just didn’t building lasting support networks to help recovering addicts once they left the shelter. And Carmilla needed more than that.

  
After that, the walk to Carmilla’s apartment was silent and a little bit awkward. Carmilla was painfully aware of the fact that Will knew more about her than just about anyone else in her life, except for Laura. But that didn’t mean she had anything she was particularly keen to talk to him about. She just wanted to get to her apartment, pack her bags, and head to Lifestyles before her resolve had the chance to crumble at all.

  
“Nice apartment,” Will noted as Carmilla let them in. She had no idea what she was going to do about the apartment. She hadn’t even told her landlord that she might be moving out, but she knew that she couldn’t afford to pay her rent while she was gone, on top of the money she would owe to JP for insurance, and everything she would owe the clinic itself.

  
“Thanks.”

  
Will just sat in the living room, scrolling through an app on his phone while Carmilla packed her clothes, toiletries, and a few books into a duffel bag Laura had lent her for their camping trip. Carmilla packed almost everything––she still didn’t own much clothing, and used very few toiletries. The only books she took with her were the ones she’d be furious to find missing if her landlord cleaned out her apartment while she was gone. Finally, Carmilla grabbed the green blanket Laura had given her from the futon, and tucked it carefully into the top of her bag.

  
“All set?”

  
Carmilla just nodded. She took one last look around at her apartment, and then pulled the door shut behind her and followed Will out of the building.

 

 

When they got back to the recovery shelter, Carmilla dropped her bag by the front desk and asked Ms. Brown for a pen, a few pieces of paper, and an envelope. She had no idea what she was going to say to Laura, but she knew that she couldn’t leave without any kind of explanation. But once she started writing, everything seemed to come naturally, and she wrote without stopping, until she had three full pages covered in writing.

  
“Are you ready?” Ms. Brown asked, once Carmilla came back to the front desk and handed Ms. Brown’s pen back.

  
“I think so. I just need to stop by Laura’s apartment so I can leave this for her.”

  
“That won’t be a problem,” Ms. Brown said. “Now, Will is going to cover the desk for me, and I am going to drive you out to Lifestyles. This is your last chance… you’re sure that this is what you want to do?”

  
Carmilla nodded. She didn’t trust herself with words at that moment.

  
“Well then, let’s go!”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

When Laura got home from work that day, she dropped her bags at the door, and draped her jacket over the back of the sofa as she made her way into the kitchen to grab something to eat. She was starving, and she figured she’d get something to eat before she called Carmilla to see what was going on. As she turned around to head into the living room, she noticed an envelope on the dining room table that definitely hadn’t been there when she’d left for work that morning. She crossed to the table to pick it up.

  
Even though Laura had never really noticed Carmilla’s handwriting, she knew as soon as she saw the thinly curved writing that it had to belong to her girlfriend. Carmilla had written Laura’s name in large letters across the envelope, and she must have left it sitting on the table so that Laura would find it. Laura swapped the cookies for the letter and headed to the living room, her heart racing. She immediately jumped to the worst possible case scenario––had Carmilla just given up trying to fight against her addiction? Was she really so afraid of hurting Laura that she’d decided to just leave?

  
Laura’s hands shook as she opened the envelope and pulled out three pages, covered front and back in Carmilla’s handwriting.

 

_My dearest Laura,_

  
_I am so sorry to just leave you a letter like this. I wanted, more than anything, to sit down and talk to you, but I was afraid that as soon as I saw you, I would lose what little resolve I had. I know it’s crazy to say it––I’ve only known you for seven months, and we’ve only dated for a little more than one--but you are the best part of my life. I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and so the fact that I’m willingly walking away from you right now must mean I’m insane._

  
_You deserve better than this, some note left on the dining room table because I didn’t have the guts to talk to you face-to-face. Especially after everything you’ve done for me. I am sorry I’m not strong enough to be the person you deserve, and to give you the things you deserve. I hope that some day I can be._

  
_I’ve been struggling with this so much more than I’ve even told you. I didn’t want to tell you how hard this has been for me, especially once we started dating, because I wanted everything to be perfect. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I should have talked to you. I should have told you that most mornings, the first thing I think of when I wake up is still heroin. I still think of heroin with love. I still crave the feeling it gives me, the escape it gifted me with so frequently. There are days when I genuinely do not know whether I love you or whether I still love heroin more, and it kills me to admit that. I wanted everything to be okay. I wanted everything to be perfect._

  
_But after you found me in that house, I knew that I had to go. I have to make a change if I ever want to be the person that you think I could be. I am not the person you think I am, and I am not even remotely deserving of someone as good as you. After every mistake I have made, and every relapse, that is more clear to me now than it has ever been._

  
_That’s why I’m leaving. I honestly believe that Lifestyles Recovery will give me the best possible chance at a normal life. I know you and I didn’t talk much about the possibility of me going to an inpatient clinic, but Ms. Brown and I have both agreed that this will be the best option for me. I’ll be living there, going through counseling and different kinds of therapy for at least one month, but most likely more. According to Ms. Brown, in order to get the most effective treatment, I’ will need to stay for at least three months. I’ve no idea how I can go so long away from you, but I do know that I have to do this if I want to think about any kind of future for myself._

  
_I know that you’re the kind of person to take everyone under your wing, and you always want to know if you could have, or should have done more. I want you to know that you did everything right for me, Laura. You gave me a real shot at recovery, and you helped me see that I can be more than my addiction has turned me into. I’m not leaving because you weren’t enough. I’m leaving because I am not enough––for you, or for myself._

  
_My life has been a mess since the day my father died. It wasn’t the greatest life before that either, but after he died, everything fell apart, and I never bothered to pick up the pieces. I need to figure out who I am, because all I see when I look in the mirror right now is a monster controlled by addiction, and that cannot be all I am. I need to escape the hold my mother has over me, and I need to know that heroin isn’t the key to solving all life’s problems. I am excited that I have the chance to do this, to change my life. I hope you can be there to see what lies ahead._

  
_This may be the cruelest part of all this, and I am so sorry. But I need to focus on my recovery first and foremost, so I have to ask you not to come see me until I ask. I may be able to call you, and I would love to write to you. I understand if you are angry with me. I understand if you never want to speak to me or see me again. I hope that is not the case, but if it is, just say the word, and I will leave. If, by some miracle, you still want me to be a part of your life, then please know how desperately I still want you to be part of mine._

  
_I am sorry for everything I have put you through in the past several months. You are such a good and kind person, and you have helped me see a side to myself that I wasn’t sure existed anymore. My hope is that when I come out of this program I can repay you for all the kindness you have shown me. Your support has meant the world to me Laura. Words fail to describe how much you mean to me. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me._

_All my love,_

  
_Carmilla_

 

Laura had to read the letter three times before she was sure that she’d actually read it correctly. How could Carmilla just be gone? How could she have left without saying a proper goodbye? And, on top of that, she didn’t want Laura to come visit her? Laura knew how important Carmilla’s recovery was, but she couldn’t believe that her girlfriend was actually gone, and would be gone for so long.

  
Laura knew that Carmilla had been struggling, and she knew that she’d been looking at inpatient clinics, but this was something she really hadn’t seen coming––at least not so soon. She suddenly felt lost. She had done everything she possibly could, and she’d still lost Carmilla.

  
Still clutching the letter, Laura curled up on the couch and started to cry as she read it for a fourth time. She couldn’t believe this was really happening.


	18. A Whole New World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla and Laura both have to figure out how to adjust to their new situations: Carmilla to her life at the rehabilitation center, and Laura to her life without Carmilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mention of drug use and abuse
> 
> It's a little weird to be writing from a different perspective. It's definitely easier to write the two of them together than having them in two totally different places, but hopefully now that I've started to figure it out, it'll be a little easier moving forward.

_Dear Carm,_

  
_I wish you had come to say good-bye before you left. I know that things have been crazy the last few weeks, and I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, and sure I wasn’t happy with you when I had to go searching for you and I ended up having to drag you out of your dealer’s house. But I would have loved to have seen you and wished you luck before you left. I would have even given you a kiss for the road._

  
_But I know that this is something you need to do, and although I’m going to miss you like crazy, I am so, so proud of you for taking such a huge step. You’re going to come out of this stronger than ever, and I am so looking forward to that. I hope everything goes well for you, Carm. Let me know what it’s like. Call me when you can, and let me know when you’re allowed to have/want some visitors. I’ll be the first in line to come see you!_

_Yours,_   
_Laura_

_P.S. I don’t care what you see when you look in the mirror; you’re not a monster in my eyes._

 

Carmilla got her letter from Laura after just three days at Lifestyles. It was a hard adjustment, and she’d spent most of her time thus far wondering if she’d really made the right decision. She shared a room with another girl, who barely talked, but had let Carmilla know that her name was Mel, and that she was also a recovering drug addict. She’d only been at Lifestyles for a little more than a week, so she and Carmilla were both considered ‘freshman.’

  
The first day, Carmilla had arrived after dinner, and so, after saying good-bye to Ms. Brown, she was given a quick tour of the facility, and then shown to her room, where she’d be staying until she earned a single room. The second day, Carmilla had spent nearly four hours listening to a woman explain financing options to her, and by the time they were done, Carmilla had a splitting headache. On the bright side, she knew she could afford Lifestyles. It would by no means be fun, and she would likely spend years trying to figure out how to pay everything off, but she knew that it would be worth it.

  
She was supposed to have her in-take counseling on her third day at Lifestyles, but the counselor was so busy that Carmilla wasn’t going to have the chance to see her until the afternoon. So she spent the morning in her room, reading one of the books she’d packed. She was surprised when someone knocked at her door to deliver Laura’s letter; Carmilla hadn’t been expecting anything. Carmilla read over Laura’s letter repeatedly, her lips curling into the faintest of smiles every time she read through it. She loved that Laura still managed to ramble on, even in writing––even if Laura’s letter wasn’t nearly as long as Carmilla’s. Carmilla looked over Laura’s letter carefully, almost lovingly, examining the way Laura wrote.

 

 

Finally, one of Lifestyle’s coordinators came to get Carmilla and escort her to her counseling meeting. Since Carmilla was still so new to the shelter, she wasn’t allowed to wander the halls alone. Everything at Lifestyles was treated like a privilege that had to be earned: from walking the halls without supervision, to getting a razor and shaving cream during showers, to getting visitors. Since Carmilla had only been there for three days, she hadn’t earned any privileges.

  
So Carmilla trudged down the hallway, her shoulders slouched forward, her dark bangs in front of her eyes as she glanced apprehensively around. Carmilla had expected Lifestyles to be a hospital-like setting, but she’d been surprised to find that Lifestyles was like a sprawling home. Ms. Brown had described Lifestyles as a resort facility, and Carmilla was starting to see what she meant.

  
“Alright, here you are. Dr. Devine’s waiting for you,” the woman who’d escorted Carmilla to the office said, with a nod into the room. “I’ll be here to take you back to you room when you’re done. Have fun!”

  
“Right,” Carmilla said, rolling her eyes as she headed into the office, her arms folded tightly over her chest. It had taken her weeks to open up to Will when she’d been at the recovery shelter, and that was with Laura urging her to start talking. She wasn’t sure how well this was going to go without the promise of seeing Laura making her more willing to open up.

  
“Carmilla Karnstein?” Dr. Devine was a middle-aged woman, probably in her thirties. She was well-dressed in sharp, well-fitted business clothes, and her blonde hair fell around her face in loose curls. She smiled warmly as she stood from behind her desk, and walked into the middle of the room, her hand out-stretched to shake Carmilla’s.

  
Carmilla shook Dr. Devine’s hand awkwardly, and immediately folded her arms back over her chest.

  
“Have a seat,” Dr. Devine said kindly, gesturing towards the couch pushed up against one of the walls in her office. She herself took a seat in an armchair across from Carmilla. Carmilla looked around the office, impressed and a little intimidated by the size of it, and the sheer value of everything in the room. She had never met someone who had so many possessions simply to fill their workspace. “So,” Dr. Devine began, picking up a notebook and opening it up to the first page, “Why don’t we start by talking about what brings you here.”

  
Carmilla stared at the doctor across from her, her eyebrow raising slightly. “I’m an addict. Isn’t that why everyone’s here?”

  
“Yes, that is true. But, Carmilla, I’m more interested in what specifically made you decide to join us here at Lifestyles. There are many stages of addiction, and many different reasons that a person may decide to come here. I’m curious to know what sparked that decision for you.”

  
“My girlfriend couldn’t find me one night. Couldn’t get ahold of me; I was just completely off the radar. She tracked me down and practically had to carry me out of my drug dealer’s house.”

  
“Yeah, I guess that would do it,” Dr. Devine commented, making a note at the top of the page. “Now, I’m going to go over some fairly personal questions, just answer honestly. There’s no judgment here, okay Carmilla?”

  
Carmilla shifted uncomfortably. Delving into her personal life was certainly not high on the list of things she wanted to do. Especially when the person asking the questions was anyone other than Laura.

  
“So, what drugs have you used?”

  
“Weed, at first. Then mostly just heroin. Tried just about everything, but stuck with heroin.” Carmilla’s voice had dropped into a monotone, and she tilted her head slightly to the side as she talked.

  
“Can you be more specific? Even if you just used it once or twice, it’s still helpful for us to know your complete history.”

  
“I tried cocaine a few times, LSD once, shrooms a couple times, ecstasy once… used molly for at least a week…” Carmilla paused, trying to think if there was anything else she had experimented with. “I can’t really count the number of times I’ve smoked pot or shot up though.”

  
“That’s okay,” Dr. Devine said softly, making a few more notes in her notebook. “Can you tell me how long you used marijuana and heroin?”

  
“I smoked pot for a couple years, on and off. And I used heroin for a little more than three years. Almost four, if you count my latest relapse.” Carmilla glared at Dr. Devine as she wrote more notes, scribbling quickly before asking her next question.

  
“How old were you when you first experimented with drugs?”

  
“Eighteen.”

  
“And how old were you when you started using drugs regularly?”

  
“I don’t know… nineteen.”

  
“Were you ever the victim of abuse?”

  
“Only for the first eighteen years of my life.” Carmilla deadpanned. She noticed as Dr. Devine faltered slightly, and she felt slightly gratified that she’d managed to shake the collected doctor, even for a moment.

  
“Were you ever the victim of sexual assault or abuse?”

  
“Don’t think so.”

  
“Have you ever been diagnosed with any form of mental illness?”

  
“I had an abusive mother until I was eighteen, and then I was homeless until about a month ago… what do you think?”

  
“Carmilla, I need you to answer the question please.”

  
“No, but that might just be because no one ever cared to fucking ask,” Carmilla hissed. She didn’t like this, it felt too much like an interrogation. If only Laura had been the one asking the questions, maybe it would have been slightly less mortifying.

  
“Have you been diagnosed with any illnesses as a result of your drug use, such as HIV/AIDS or Hepatitis?”

  
“Hepatitis B. Although that was before my last relapse, so who knows?” Carmilla didn’t know why she was trying so hard to be so cavalier. She knew that if she’d caught something during her relapse, she would never forgive herself.

  
“We’ll get you tested right away, just to be sure,” Dr. Devine said, smiling sympathetically. “Okay, I’ve got more questions, but that’s pretty much it for now in relation to your history with drugs. Now, I’d like to get into more of the lifestyle or personality questions… What kind of support system do you have back home? Including friends, coworkers, significant others, family…”

  
“I’ve got my girlfriend,” Carmilla answered, the ghost of a smile appearing as she pictured Laura. “And I guess my boss.”

  
“What about the woman who brought you here?”

  
“Yeah, I guess she’s like an acquaintance. She runs the desk at the recovery shelter I stayed at when I first tried to get clean.”

  
“What’s your girlfriend’s name?”

  
“Laura Hollis,” Carmilla said, grinning. “She’s a counselor at a shelter for women and children in abusive situations. She’s the one who helped me get clean… before I fucked everything up.”

  
“We try not to use language like that,” Dr. Devine said, her voice kind but stern. “Just because you made a mistake does not mean that you ‘fucked up.’ Try to be more kind with yourself. And what is your boss’s name?”

  
“JP,” Carmilla said simply, before remembering that she should probably give his last name as well. “JP Armitage. And the woman who dropped me off here was Ms. Brown. I actually don’t know her first name.”

  
“Thank you. And how long have you and your girlfriend known each other?”

  
“About seven months. We’ve only been dating for one.”

  
“And your relapse, was that before or after the two of you started dating?”

  
“After,” Carmilla admitted, ashamed. “But it didn’t have anything to do with her––she’s been doing everything to help me get clean. She’s amazing.”

  
“I’m glad you have such a supportive person in your life. I want to get into the spark for your relapse later, but… how long have you known your boss?”

  
“About six months.”

  
“And you’re still employed by him?”

  
“Yes. I have to work for him for at least a year after I get out of here.”

  
“Was that his idea or yours?”

  
“I made the agreements I needed to in order to get the help that I needed,” Carmilla answered defensively. She didn’t like Dr. Devine’s tone, and she certainly didn’t want anyone to think that JP hadn’t gone above and beyond his responsibilities, just to make sure that Carmilla could get sober responsibly.

 

 

By the time Carmilla’s first counseling session was over, she was exhausted. They hadn’t delved too deeply into any issues from her past, but Carmilla felt like she’d been through the Spanish Inquisition. Every time she thought the doctor would finally have run out of questions, she would ask something else, and that question would spark a dozen more.

  
At the end of their hour together, Dr. Devine said that she was giving Carmilla six weeks in the program as a starting point, but she was quick to emphasize that they would change that time frame as counseling went along and could see the kinds of progress Carmilla was making. Carmilla just nodded, eager to get out of the office. When Dr. Devine finally closed the notebook, and said that she was looking forward to working with Carmilla in the future, Carmilla just nodded slightly and breezed past the doctor on her way to the door.

  
“How’d it go?”

  
Carmilla rolled her eyes as her escort launched into step next to her. “Fine,” she hissed.

  
“Great. Well we’re headed to dinner now. Have you started making some friends here?”

  
“No.”

  
“Okay, well for starters, my name’s Sarah Jane. Everyone calls me SJ. I help out escorting around the new residents, like you. I’m a resident too, though. I’ve been here for two months… I think I’ll be heading back home soon. Now if I could just get my ex-boyfriend to straighten out, things would be pretty great.”

  
Carmilla just nodded. The worst part of being escorted everywhere was being trapped into having conversations with people. Even if she’d wanted to talk to the other residents at Lifestyles, Carmilla had no idea what to talk about. It didn’t seem right to start conversations by asking what someone was addicted to, or how badly they’d screwed up their lives before landing at Lifestyles.

  
Carmilla and SJ walked the rest of the way to the cafeteria in silence, Carmilla with her arms still folded tightly over her chest. She just wanted her phone back so that she could call Laura. She just wanted to hear her girlfriend’s voice. And if she was completely honest, Carmilla wanted Laura to remind her why she was at Lifestyles. It was certainly hard for Carmilla to remember why she’d thought this was a good idea––especially as she was handed a tray of food and shared a table with SJ and Mel.

  
After dinner, SJ walked Carmilla and Mel both back to their room, and Carmilla immediately crossed to her bed and grabbed Laura’s letter to read it again. She read it over twice, and ran her fingers over the writing. She imagined Laura sitting in her apartment, probably watching something on Netflix while her pen moved over the page.

  
Carmilla got up from her bed and grabbed the notebook she’d been encouraged to use as a diary. So far, the only thing she’d written was how much she missed Laura and how much she hated being at Lifestyles. Carmilla flipped to a fresh page and started writing a letter for Laura.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

After Carmilla was gone, Laura threw herself back into her job. Ever since Carmilla had come into her life, she’d spent less time at her shelter. When Carmilla had first entered the recovery shelter, Laura had started spending her afternoons there. And once they’d started dating, Laura always left work a little early, just so she could get home and see Carmilla again. But with Carmilla more than a hundred miles away, Laura was spending nearly ten hours a day at the women’s shelter, devoting extra time to her families, and spending even more time pouring over the paperwork.

  
Diving back into her work made things better, but at the end of the day, Laura still had to go back to an empty apartment at the end of the day. She hated going home after spending hours talking to the women she worked with, and trying to figure out how to spend the rest of her night. It was lonely, eating dinner on her own, and working her way through different shows on Netflix. She’d even started reading some of the books Carmilla left behind––anything to pass the time and make her miss Carmilla a little less.

  
Even spending time with LaFontaine and Perry didn’t really help. Although they were happy to have Laura over, Laura always felt like the third wheel in their apartment, and she didn’t want to intrude too much. So most nights, Laura just tried to kill time with mindless television before going to sleep early.

  
After Carmilla had been gone for nearly a week, Laura went to Carmilla’s apartment after work instead of her own. She didn’t know why––she knew that Carmilla wouldn’t be there, but Laura was just desperate to feel close to her girlfriend somehow. She hadn’t talked to Carmilla since Carmilla had left; Carmilla hadn’t even called, and Laura had yet to get a second letter from her. So she found herself heading the opposite direction at the end of her day, grateful that she had a key to Carmilla’s apartment.

  
As Laura headed down the hallway to Carmilla apartment, flipping through her keys to find the right one, she heard someone call out from behind her.

  
“Hey, are you headed to Ms. Karnstein’s apartment?”

  
“Yes…” Laura said softly, turning to face the man standing at the opposite end of the hallway.

  
“I’m the landlord. I haven’t seen her around in a while, and I was just wondering if you might know what’s going on?”

  
Laura looked the man over. She’d never met Carmilla’s landlord before. Even Carmilla paid rent, she just dropped an envelope into the man’s mailbox. He was short and thin, with short-cut hair and neat clothes. There was something about him that made Laura feel comfortable. “Um, I didn’t realize she hadn’t said anything to you. Carm’s gone to an inpatient rehab facility. She was really struggling to stay clean, and after talking with a few of us, we all decided that it would be best if she went to a more intense therapy setting.” Even though Laura felt comfortable around Carmilla’s landlord, she decided she didn’t need to mention the fact that Carmilla had made the decision without ever talking to Laura about it.

  
“Oh. No, I hadn’t heard anything about that. Tell her that I hope it goes well. She seems like a good person.”

  
Laura nodded, smiling.

  
The man paused before adding, “I hate to say this, but, um… Carmilla’s rent is paid through the end of the month, but if she’s going to be gone for longer than that, I can’t really hold the apartment for her without any rent money.”

  
“I understand,” Laura said, nodding again. “I think she’s going to be gone for at least a couple of months. I’ll get her belongings moved out my the end of the month.”

  
“I appreciate that. And really, please send my best to Carmilla. And let her know that when she’s back in town, she’s always welcome in the building.”

  
Laura smiled, and then turned away and headed down the hall and into Carmilla’s apartment. It felt eerie––Laura had rarely been in the apartment without Carmilla, and the space just felt wrong without her girlfriend there. Laura wandered through the apartment aimlessly, noticing that the green blanket she’d given Carmilla when she’d first moved into this apartment. Everything else seemed to still be in the apartment: the futon, armchairs, and bookshelves were still in the living room, and it looked like most of the books were still on their shelves. The dining room was still furnished with the table and chairs Carmilla had bought, and all Carmilla’s paintings (including the painting of the skull Laura hated so much) were still there.

  
Laura wandered into the bedroom, and smiled as she realized that Carmilla had left her leather jacket on her bed. Laura immediately scooped it up and hugged it tightly. She couldn’t believe how much she missed her girlfriend, that even just holding Carmilla’s jacket would make her feel a tiny bit better. Laura sat down on the bed, and looked around at the apartment. Even though Carmilla had only lived there for a few months, Laura had so many memories there: from struggling to assemble that stupid dresser, to finding Carmilla passed out in her bathroom, to lying in that bed, her lips against Carmilla’s.

  
Laura curled up on the bed, still clutching Carmilla’s jacket, and pulled out her phone to scroll through the pictures she had of Carmilla. Carmilla hated taking pictures, so most of the pictures Laura had were of her girlfriend sleeping, or reading, to focused on her book to notice that Laura was snapping a picture of her. There were just two pictures of the two of them together. They were both from their camping trip, before Laura had seen the bruises on Carmilla’s arm. They were standing outside their tent, leaning against one another. They were both grinning at the camera. In the other picture, Carmilla looked surprised as Laura pressed a kiss to her cheek.

  
Laura fell asleep at Carmilla apartment, curled up in her bed and holding her jacket. She just wished Carmilla could have been there with her.

 

 

That weekend, Laura recruited LaFontaine and Perry to help her move everything out of Carmilla’s apartment. She had rented the smallest moving van she could get so that they could do everything in one trip. Laura spent the night at Carmilla’s apartment that night, enjoying one last night in Carmilla’s bedroom. She had already packed some of Carmilla’s few remaining possessions into boxes. There were only three boxes: one for Carmilla’s books, one for the sheets and comforter from the bed, and one for Carmilla’s paintings. Everything else that needed to be moved out was furniture.

  
“Damn, I thought this was going to be a more difficult task,” LaFontaine laughed as they looked around the apartment. “Me and Perr were ready to be here all day.”

  
“No, Carmilla doesn’t have much to begin with,” Laura said fondly. “And half of what she does have she took with her to the rehab center anyway. Thanks again for helping me with this, you guys.”

  
“What’re friends for?” LaFontaine asked. They were dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, which they’d tucked in. They had even completed the look with a black back brace wrapped around their waist and canvas work gloves tucked into their belt. They looked ready for just about anything.

  
Perry, on the other hand, was wearing high-waisted jeans and a turtleneck sweater, with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Laura couldn’t help but smile at the two of them standing next to each other. They looked like they would fit comfortably into the famous painting of the farmer and his wife.

  
“Alright, well, why don’t we get started with some of the heavier items, that way our day will get easier as it goes on,” Perry suggested.  
“Works for me,” LaFontaine agreed, beaming at their girlfriend.

  
“Me too,” Laura added.

  
The three of them got to work, awkwardly hauling the futon down three flights of stairs and out to the van, which they had had to park around the corner from the front door. By the time they got it loaded into the back of the moving van, all three of them were red in the face and breathing more heavily.

  
“Well,” LaFontaine puffed, wiping their forehead with the back of their hand, “That was fun. Glad we’re moving out and not in. I’d hate to be going up those stairs. Where are we putting this stuff once we get it all out anyway?”

  
Laura smiled sheepishly.

  
“You’re kidding,” LaFontaine said, groaning.

  
“I was kind of hoping we could move it into my guest room,” Laura confirmed.

  
“Of course,” LaFontaine complained. “So I guess we will get the joy of taking everything up stairs after all.”

  
“It’s fine, sweetie,” Perry said calmly. “It’s going to be much easier than it was when we moved into our apartment.”

  
“This is true,” LaFontaine agreed. “Well, let’s get this over with.”

 

 

It only took them an hour to get everything moved out of the apartment. LaFontaine and Perry went down to the moving van, leaving Laura alone to look around the apartment one last time. She sighed, remembering how happy Carmilla had been to finally have a place to call her own. Laura was not looking forward to telling her girlfriend that the apartment wouldn’t be there waiting for her when she got out of Lifestyles.

  
Laura dropped the keys off at the landlord’s mailbox, and then headed downstairs to join LaFontaine and Perry in the moving van. They all sat up front, and it was a little crowded as Perry drove through town, letting out nervous squeaks the whole way.

  
“I’m not used to driving something this big!” she hissed defensively, her voice much higher than usual. When Perry finally pulled the moving van up to the curb outside Laura’s apartment building, she turned it off with a sigh of relief. “We’re here!”

  
“I can’t wait,” LaFontaine commented dryly, already pulling their gloves on again.

 

 

It took almost twice as long to move everything up into Laura’s apartment as it had to take it out of Carmilla’s. They kept stopping halfway up the stairs just to catch their breath. LaFontaine kept up a constant stream of curses, alternating between German and English as they struggled to get the futon up the stairs, and around each corner. Perry kept shooting them stern glances, but Laura noticed the way she fought to keep a straight face.

  
When everything had finally been moved from the van up to the apartment, LaFontaine collapsed onto the couch, and draped their arm over their eyes. “Finally,” they groaned happily.

  
“Can I take you guys out for dinner?” Laura asked. “It’s the least I can do after everything that you guys did. It would have taken me days to move all that. And I never would have gotten it up here without you.”

  
“How on earth did you and Danny get everything up here in the first place?” LaFontaine asked, looking around at all the furnishings in the apartment.

  
“Danny just called on the Summer Society,” Laura explained. “I actually didn’t do anything. Danny and like thirty other girls showed up, and the next thing I knew, we had an apartment to live in.”

  
“Sometimes it would be nice if you guys were still better friends. Imagine how quickly this could have gone with the Summer Society behind us,” LaFontaine said with a laugh.

  
“Somehow I doubt that helping me move Carmilla’s belongings into the apartment we used to share would really be Danny’s idea of a good time,” Laura said sarcastically. “So come on, how about dinner?”

 

 

After Laura got back from taking LaFontaine and Perry out to dinner that night, she checked her mail and headed back up to her apartment as she sorted through it. It was mostly just spam letters, with one bill, and a letter that was addressed to her in neatly curled handwriting that made her heart leap. Laura tossed the rest of her mail unceremoniously onto the dining room table and tore open Carmilla’s letter as she hurried over to the couch. It was the first time she’d heard from Carmilla since Carmilla had left for Lifestyles, and Laura was eager to hear how it was going.

 

_My dearest Laura,_

  
_I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I thought I might be able to call once I arrived, to at least hear your voice, but apparently even having a phone is treated as a privilege to be earned here. Just trust that as soon as I am allowed, you are the first and only person I want to speak to. I wish you could be here, I wish I could hold you, and have you by my side through this, but I know this is something I have to do on my own. Everything just feels easier when you are with me._

  
_Thus far, there is little to report on my experience here. I am writing to you at the end of my third day here, so I hope that by the time you read this things will be different, but as of writing this I have no ‘privileges’ here. I have to be escorted everywhere by a resident who has been here longer than I. I share a room with Mel, a charming drug addict much like myself. We don’t talk much._

  
_I met my counselor today. She seems kind, although all she did today was ask as many questions as there are stars. I feared it would never end. She also let me know that they will be testing me for any blood-borne illnesses again, in case I caught something new as a result of my relapse. Again, I will tell you more as soon as I possibly can._

  
_I hope all is well with you. I know it wasn’t right of me to leave the way I did, and I don’t know if I can ever apologize enough for not coming to say goodbye. Now, I truly wish I had. I hope work is going well. I know you are helping so many people._   
_I miss you so much, Laura. I look forward to the day I get to see you, kiss you, and hold you again. I don’t know if I’ll ever let go._

_All my love,_   
_Carmilla_


	19. Slow and Steady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla adjusts to life at the rehab center, and Laura tries to figure out how to fill her time now that Carmilla's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: discussions of drug use, mentions of eating disorders and self-harm

Laura reread Carmilla’s letter a few times, laughing at different parts, and smiling the entire time as she imagined Carmilla reading it to her. Laura loved the way that in person, Carmilla spoke in short sentences, always to the point and never saying more than she needed to. But when she was writing, her language was much more poetic and drawn out. It was just another one of Carmilla’s quirks that made her that much more endearing to Laura.

  
Once she’d read it enough times to have the letter practically memorized, Laura retrieved her laptop. She thought that it might be about time for her to go back to school and get her master’s degree, especially if she wanted to open her own practice someday. Now it was time to start researching different schools and programs in the area to see what programs attracted her attention, and what programs she could afford. It helped that Carmilla had entered inpatient rehab: Carmilla was taking huge steps to move her life forward, and it had inspired Laura to do the same.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

At the end of her first week at Lifestyles, Carmilla still wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She still wasn’t allowed to have her phone, or to go anywhere on her own. She was still sharing a room with Mel, and they still weren’t talking much. SJ seemed glued to Carmilla’s side like an eager-to-please puppy dog, and she was starting to get on Carmilla’s nerves. So when SJ came to pick Carmilla up from her room, and announced that Carmilla was going to get a sponsor, Carmilla wasn’t particularly excited.

  
“Great, yet another person to breath down my neck,” Carmilla mumbled as she rolled off her bed and trudged slowly after SJ.

  
“So, your sponsor is basically going to be like your mentor while you’re here. When it’s a good fit, most people end up being really, really close with their sponsors. Basically, you should feel free to tell your sponsor everything that’s going on: how you’re feeling, if you’re having any urges to use, if you’re feeling frustrated with things, they’re the first person you want to talk to.”

  
“Great,” Carmilla said sarcastically.

  
“It really is,” SJ replied enthusiastically, oblvious to Carmilla’s tone of voice. “Now, the sponsors are mainly former residents here. We generally don’t pair residents up with sponsors who are also still residents, just because we want to make sure that your sponsor has completed the program and is fairly stable in their recovery. Well, here we are. I’ll be back in an hour to come take you to lunch.”

  
“Looking forward to it,” Carmilla said, still sarcastically. She headed through the door that SJ had stopped in front of, her arms folding instinctively over her chest as she walked in to meet her sponsor.

  
Sitting in an armchair in the middle of the room, her posture straight and proud, and dressed in a form-fitting black leather dress was the woman Carmilla assumed would be her sponsor. She was dark-skinned, with shoulder-length black hair that was brushed straight back. She was fairly muscular, and Carmilla noticed a large gold locket that hung around her neck. As Carmilla approached, she rose from her chair and held out a hand.

  
“You must be Carmilla Karnstein. I’m Matska Belmonde,” she said, her voice rich. Carmilla felt more than a little intimidated as she shook the taller woman’s hand. “You can call me Mattie,” the woman added, smiling slightly. “Please, have a seat!” Mattie beckoned toward the chairs around them. They were in one of the group therapy rooms, so they were completely surrounded by armchairs and sofas. Carmilla took a seat on one of the sofas, leaning against the arm and curling her legs up against herself.

  
Carmilla just sat there for a minute, waiting for Mattie to say something. It felt too awkward. She didn’t know what to say to this random person she’d just met. And she was starting to get uncomfortable with the way that her sponsor was just sitting there, watching her.

  
“Do I know you?” Mattie asked after a few minutes. She’d tilted her head slightly as she looked Carmilla over.

  
“I don’t think so,” Carmilla replied uncomfortably.

  
“Are you sure? I could swear I’ve known you before. You’re from the city, yes?”

  
Carmilla just nodded.

  
“Did you ever trespass in the library, after hours?”

  
Carmilla nodded again.

  
“I knew you were familiar!” Mattie declared triumphantly. “Perhaps you fail to recognize me; I have changed quite a bit since those days. At the time you were using the library as shelter, I was using cocaine fairly frequently, and I looked little like I do now. I was nearly forty pounds lighter, my skin was practically grey. I suspect I was not much to look at much of the time.”

  
Carmilla squinted slightly, trying to picture this proud, regal woman as a drug addict. It was hard to imagine, but Carmilla did vaguely remember seeing a young black woman in the library every once in a while. “I do think I remember you,” Carmilla said, though she still wasn’t one hundred percent certain.

  
“Did Mark deal to you? He was always such a pig,” Mattie sneered.

  
Carmilla broke into the first genuine grin she’d had since arriving at Lifestyles. “He really was. He tried to sleep with me once, after giving me a ‘free’ hit.”

  
“That, darling, is why getting clean is such a wonderful thing.”

  
Once Carmilla realized that they had some shared history, she started to open up. She hadn’t found anyone she was comfortable opening up to at Lifestyles, but just knowing that Mattie had been through some of the same things as Carmilla put her at ease.  
“So how are you adjusting to life in rehab? I remember my first week here, and it was hardly a comfortable transition.”

  
“It hasn’t exactly been fun,” Carmilla admitted. “I feel like I haven’t met anyone here that I can actually talk to. I miss my girlfriend. The only way I can keep in touch with her is through letters, since I don’t have phone privileges. In my head, I know I made the right choice. But I feel like I made a horrible mistake.”

  
“That is not uncommon. I tried to run away when I first arrived. I was convinced that I knew best, and I refused to listen to anyone else’s opinion. Of course, that instinct serves me well these days. Now, you mentioned a girlfriend? How long have you been involved?”

  
“We’ve been dating for a month,” Carmilla answered with a smile.

  
“How long were you sober before you started dating?”

  
“About six months…” Carmilla hesitated before adding, “Although I relapsed a couple weeks ago.”

  
“Well, it is generally a good idea to wait a while longer before entering a relationship. Your addiction just puts far too much pressure on the ones you love. But I guess that is just water under the bridge at this point.”

  
Carmilla watched the other woman, waiting for her to say something else. When she didn’t, Carmilla said, “Aren’t you supposed to give me advice or something?”

  
“Are you actually going to take it?” Mattie asked, raising an eyebrow.

  
“I might,” Carmilla shot back defiantly.

  
“All I can tell you now is to really commit yourself to this program. It will change your life, utterly and completely, if you let it. I know how hard it is at first, but if you really want this, Lifestyles will give you everything you could possibly imagine.”

  
“Great,” Carmilla muttered, crossing her arms. Their hour together was almost up, so Carmilla got up from the couch and headed toward the door.

  
“Oh, and darling? If you’re just doing this for that girlfriend of yours, you will be using again before you know it. Make sure you’re in this for the right reasons.”

  
Carmilla paused, but didn’t look back at Mattie. She knew that Mattie had a very valid point, but she was sick of people doubting her relationship with Laura, and her reasons for wanting to get sober. She was tired of having so many people assume that they were one and the same.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

By the time mid-May rolled around, Carmilla had been at Lifestyles for almost three weeks, and Laura was getting ready to start classes again for the first time in years. She hadn’t expected to start work on her master’s degree so soon, but there were two classes that summer that would help Laura get started on the Psychology program. And with Carmilla in rehab, Laura couldn’t think of reason not to start taking classes.

  
One of the classes was an online course, but the other met on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:00. Laura would have to leave work early, but she had worked out her schedule with the other counselor at the women’s shelter. On the first day of class, Laura left her shelter early, waving good-bye to some of the women she worked with as she headed down the hall. Her new textbook was already tucked in her bag, along with her laptop. Laura checked her phone, hoping, although she knew it was pointless, that there might be a text from Carmilla. Laura had hoped that after nearly three weeks at Lifestyles, Carmilla would have her phone privileges back, but it seemed that that wasn’t yet the case.

  
With a sigh, Laura headed across town, eager to start class. The course she’d chosen was one that examined gender roles in society. It was considered an elective for the psychology program she hoped to get into when the fall semester started, and Laura thought that it would make a good basis if she wanted to do more work with the LGBT community.

 

 

When she got to class, Laura wandered through campus, stopping occasionally to look at the maps to make sure she was headed the right way. Even though Laura had attended Silas University for her undergraduate degree, it had been a long time since she’d been on campus, and she wanted to make sure that she was in the right building. She was glad to find that, although so much in her life had changed, she still knew the university like the back of her hand. Sure, there were a few things that had changed––the university seemed to be under near constant construction, and so it wasn’t quite the same campus Laura had spent four years at.

  
She found the building, and hurried through the hallways to find the right room. Laura had always liked getting to class early, and she was especially excited for her first grad-school related class. There were few people in the classroom: there was one man, wearing jeans and a button-down shirt, and two other girls. One was sitting in the back, her light blonde hair falling past her shoulders in perfect curls. The other sat up front, curled over a book. Laura felt her stomach lurch nervously as she recognized the way the girl ran her hand over her neatly braided red hair.

  
_Danny_. Laura thought with a panic. What on earth was Danny doing in a psych class? She was an English student, and English TA, and she’d never expressed a great deal of interest in Laura’s psychology classes. Laura’s brain went into overdrive. She had never wanted to cut Danny out of her life, but she knew that their breakup had been hard on Danny, and Laura just assumed that Danny would reach out to Laura when she was ready. She had not expected them to end up in the same class.

  
Laura took a seat further back, so that she wouldn’t have to walk past Danny to find a spot. She didn’t know if Danny would even want to speak to her, so Laura figured she would just sit back, enjoy the class, and slip out before Danny saw her. She didn’t want her first day of class to turn into a confrontation.

  
The teacher arrived about five minutes before class started, and sorted out a stack of papers on his desk. He was a middle-aged man, smartly dressed in pressed khakis, a white button down, a grey and purple sweater vest, and a matching purple tie. He looked around at the class, which had grown to eight students. It seemed like a small class size to Laura, but she didn’t know much about grad school. She shifted her belongings around on the table, nervously waiting for the teacher to start talking.

  
“Alright, I think that’s everyone,” he began, sitting back on the desk as he started talking. “Let’s go ahead and get started. We’re not going to do too much today, I just want everyone to introduce themselves, I’ll go over the syllabus, and then we’ll meet on Thursday. I’ll start. My name is Nicholas Scott, I have been a professor here at Silas for three years. I teach two grad classes, and the rest of my time is spent conducting research in various fields. I’ll talk more about that when I go over the syllabus, since for those of you who are interested, there may be a possibility to assist me. Now why don’t we go around the room, and each of you can tell us your name, what made you decide to take my course, and what you want to do in the future… career wise.”

  
He turned to Danny, who was seated closest to him. She cleared her throat before she answered, “Um, I’m Danny Lawrence. I’m a grad student in the English department, I’m taking this class because I have a few electives left to take before I can graduate, and this seemed interesting. Once I’ve got my master’s, I’d like to teach English either at a high school or college level.”

  
Laura swallowed nervously. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see Danny’s reaction when Laura introduced herself. There were three more people who had to introduce themselves before it would be Laura’s turn. She was so nervous about Danny’s reaction that she barely listened as Dale, Karen, and Tracy introduced themselves. When it finally was her turn, she twisted her hands together as she spoke.

  
“My name’s Laura Hollis. I’m hoping to enter the psychology program this fall, and I wanted to take this course as a way to kind of get started a bit early. I work at a shelter for abused women and children right now, and someday I think I’d like to open my own practice where I can work more one-on-one with people. I’d really like to work with the LGBT community, so I thought that this course would be a good way to build a foundation for that.”

  
Laura had glanced back and forth in Danny’s direction as she spoke, but she didn’t see her ex-girlfriend make much of a reaction. Laura had seen Danny stiffen when she’d first spoken, but other than that, Danny hadn’t made any attempt to show that she knew who Laura was. She just stayed facing forward, staring at the wall in front of her.

  
The continued around the rest of the class until everyone had made their introductions. In addition to Danny, Laura, and the three other students that had already introduced themselves, there were three others: Alex, Ellie, and Will. Laura wasn’t paying much attention, but when Will introduced himself, it caught her attention.

  
“Hey, I’m Will Luce. I work at the recovery shelter in town, I’m a counselor for recovering addicts. I’m here taking some extra classes to expand my working knowledge on a few different subjects. And in the future, I still think I’d like to work with people trying to recover from addictions, but maybe in my own practice or something.”

  
Laura twisted slightly to see if this Will was the Will that she knew. Sure enough, there, at the back of the classroom, was the man who was a little older than Laura, who’d counseled Carmilla when she’d lived at the recovery shelter. Laura turned back around to face the front of the classroom. She couldn’t believe what a small world she lived in. In a class with a grand total of eight students, how on earth had she ended up even knowing two people? What were the odds that she would now be spending the summer studying alongside her ex-girlfriend, and her current girlfriend’s former counselor.

  
“Oh boy,” Laura muttered under her breath, grimacing as she sank slightly into her seat. It looked like this was going to be a very interesting summer.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

By the time Carmilla got her second letter from Laura, she’d finally earned a room of her own. Now, instead of sharing a room, she and Mel shared a suite, along with two other girls. They each had their own bedroom, and they shared a bathroom and a small living room area. Carmilla was still waiting to get her phone privileges back, but Dr. Devine hadn’t approved it yet. Mattie had suggested that this might be due to Carmilla’s frequent mentions of Laura, and the way Carmilla talked about Laura being one of the main reasons Carmilla was at Lifestyles. So for the time being, Carmilla was stuck just exchanging letters with her girlfriend, like they were incredibly dedicated penpals.

 

_Dear Carm,_

  
_I’m glad to hear that things are going okay so far––although it sounds like you’re being a little stubborn about really committing to everything. I know that you don’t like meeting new people that much, and I know that you really, really hate telling people personal stuff. I know that none of this is easy for you. But if you’re not willing to open up to the people that are there to help you, you’re just going to end up being there even longer. Just promise me you’ll try to open up, alright?_

  
_There’s not much new to report here. Things are (unfortunately) busy as ever at my shelter. I signed up to take two classes, so I’m excited to see how that goes. One’s online, but hopefully I’ll get to meet some of the other people in my program during the Tuesday/Thursday class. By the time you actually get this, I bet I’ll have started classes. If you have phone privileges by then I can tell you all about it! Maybe you could talk to your counselor about starting school. I know it might not be the greatest time to jump into that, but maybe having something new to focus on would be helpful._

  
_Please just try to open up. I know you don’t like it, but the sooner you open up, the sooner you can actually work through your addiction and the other problems that are contributing to it. I know you’ll do great. And try not to worry too much about me. I miss you, but I’m always here, and I’ll see you when I see you._

_Yours,_   
_Laura_

 

Carmilla smiled sadly as she read the letter. She knew that Laura meant well, but she was so tired of people trying to change her; telling her to be more open and to get more invested in her recovery. She was at Lifestyles, was that not enough? Carmilla folded the letter back up and tossed it onto her nightstand. She laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, and let her mind wander until she eventually fell asleep.

 

 

The next day, after breakfast, Carmilla and SJ (who still served as Carmilla’s escort) headed to their group therapy session that morning. There were about fifty girls living at Lifestyles, but group sessions were split into groups of about ten each. The group sessions were split up based on the kind of addiction each girl was seeking treatment for. There were two groups for eating disorders, one for self-harm, and two more groups for drug addictions. Carmilla was part of a group that included both SJ and Mel, along with seven other girls whose names Carmilla still struggled to remember.

  
Carmilla took her seat at SJ’s left, crossing her arms over her chest as she sat down. She was starting to get used to her one-on-one sessions with Dr. Devine, but she didn’t think the group sessions would ever be comfortable.

  
Dr. Devine walked in, dressed in a pencil skirt and loose-fitting cardigan. In addition to being Carmilla’s personal counselor, Dr. Devine also ran the group sessions for Carmilla’s group. She took her seat a few seats to Carmilla’s left, and waited for the rest of the girls to trickle in.

  
“Okay,” Dr. Devine called, trying to get the group to quiet down. “Let’s pick up where we left off during our session yesterday. Mel, you were talking about some of the ways that you tried to quit using, and why you think that those methods didn’t work for you. Why don’t we pick up there?” Dr. Devine looked around the circle, waiting for a moment to see if anyone was going to speak. If no one spoke, she would eventually pick someone. “Carmilla, you’ve mentioned that your relapse drove you back here. Maybe you could start us off? Tell us more about some of the coping mechanisms you were using, and maybe you could tell us why you think those didn’t work.”

  
Carmilla glared at Dr. Devine before she spoke, her voice clipped. “I don’t know much about coping mechanisms. I don’t really think I had any. I just worked, and read, and spent time with my friend… my only friend, who’s now my girlfriend. I do know why I relapsed though.”

  
Dr. Devine nodded encouragingly.

  
“I’m in love with heroin. Yes, I hate what it does to me. I hate the way the girl I love looks at me when I use. I hate the fact that I’m so reliant on it. But the feeling? The prick of the needle in my vein? The way the drugs rush through my system? The way that everything finally goes numb? That is what I love. That is the feeling that is so hard to walk away from.”

  
“Thank you, Carmilla,” Dr. Devine said, although her voice was harder. Carmilla knew that she didn’t like when the residents romanticized their addictions. But she also knew that Dr. Devine wasn’t going to say anything to her in front of everyone else. “Let’s talk about this a bit more. We talk quite a bit about the things that drive each of you to use––triggers. But we haven’t talked much about how to cope with it when you genuinely enjoy the thing you are addicted to, as Carmilla has mentioned. Who else would like to comment?”

  
“I can totally understand that,” a girl sitting across from Carmilla replied. “I pretty much loved percocet since the first time I used it. I mean one minute, everything hurts or you’re stressed or whatever, and then you take this little pill and the next minute, it’s all good!”

  
For the rest of the hour, each of the girls took turns discussing the ways they tried to break their love of their drug of choice. Carmilla didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation; she hadn’t even begun to figure out how to cope with her addiction, or how to diminish the hold that heroin had over her. Instead she just listened, and although her face remained unreadable, she tried to take note of some of the suggestions the other girls offered.

 

 

After lunch, Carmilla headed to her first alternative therapy session. She and Dr. Devine had discussed it during their last one-on-one meeting, and eventually, Carmilla had decided that she wanted to try music therapy. Carmilla had learned to play piano when her father still lived at home, but she’d forgotten most of it after he died. Although it had been hard to find a way to listen to music when she was homeless, but Carmilla had always loved music. She loved the way so much emotion could be packed into a song, and the way that it could translate differently to each person. She didn’t know what exactly to expect out of the therapy session, but she was much more excited about music therapy than she was about group or even one-on-one sessions.

  
When SJ dropped her off at the music therapy room, Carmilla walked into a room that seemed to be a cross between a sound booth and an elementary school’s music room. The walls had been padded with noise-reducing foam that looked like egg cartons. There was one window, on the far side of the room, that looked out over the expansive yard behind Lifestyles. In the room itself were a few microphone stands, a stand-up piano, and instrument cases that looked like they held guitars, various string instruments, and a few brass instruments. Carmilla wandered into the room, unsure of how any of this was supposed to work.

  
“Ms. Karnstein?” Carmilla turned at the sound of her voice, and found herself facing a rail-thin older man whose suit seemed to be meant for a bigger man with much broader shoulders.

  
“Carmilla,” she replied, shaking his hand, a little worried that she might break it if she gripped too hard.

  
“Pleasure to meet you, fraulein,” he said, shaking her hand eagerly. “I am Baron Vordenberg, please feel free to call me ‘Vordie.’ I am quite excited to have you here with me today… I remember when I first began to play––violin for me, I always had a knack for figuring out the strings––but anyway, I remember the feeling that the music gave me, such a gift, I am just tickled that you have chosen to pursue the arts as a form of therapy––but, goodness, do you play?”

  
Carmilla couldn’t decide if his demeanor and shifting style of speech were endearing or off-putting, but she knew she had to give this a try. “I played piano a bit. Haven’t played since I was nine though. Not sure I remember much.”

  
“Not to worry! We can have you try the piano out, see if you remember anything… you can just play whatever comes to mind. If nothing comes to mind, I’m sure I’ve plenty of sheet music around here, I can find you something––what kind of music do you like? Nevermind that, why don’t you just play, and see what we can accomplish!”

  
Carmilla gave Vordie a disdainful look as she crossed the room and took a seat at the piano bench, shifting it slightly so that she was the right distance from the keys. Then she splayed her fingers out, just barely brushing her fingertips over the tops of the keys. She tried to think back, almost fifteen years, to the last time she’d played a piano.

  
“I don’t remember anything,” Carmilla admitted after a moment. “I don’t even remember what the keys are supposed to sound like.”

  
“Well then, I think scales would be the most fitting place to start––get a feel for the keys, you know. In fact, when I first began learning piano, I mastered many of the more––”

  
Carmilla started playing before he could finish, partly just so that she wouldn’t have to listen to him continue to reminisce about his childhood––however long ago that was. And the scales came naturally. They were the easiest things to play, just pressing one key after another, but once Carmilla started to hear the sound of the keys, and the music started to fill the room, something clicked in Carmilla’s head. She didn’t know what she was trying to play, but she shifted from playing scales into some kind of song.

  
Her fingers danced over the keys, and Carmilla wasn’t quite sure what she was doing, but she felt connected to the sounds that emanated from the instrument. The rest of the room seemed to fade to grey, and Carmilla forgot about all the things that had been bothering her. Her fingers just moved, seemingly of their own accord, and although she was playing slowly, the song still felt powerful.

  
When she finally stopped playing, Carmilla looked over to Vordie, who seemed to (finally) be at a lost for word. He stared at her for a moment, his mouth moving although he had yet to actually say anything. Finally, after several attempts, he managed to speak.

  
“I have never seen someone play like that after such little experience with a piano.” His voice was soft, and he shook his head slightly, as if he still couldn’t believe what he had just seen. “Are you quite sure you haven’t played recently, fraulein?”

  
“It’s a little hard to find a piano to practice on when you’re homeless,” Carmilla replied dully. She was still taken aback by what had just happened. Sure, she knew that she’d been much more talented than most when she’d taken piano lessons as a child, but there had never been any indication that she might be capable of something like that.

  
A much longer silence passed before Vordie said, “I think you will find music therapy to be incredibly beneficial. Now, why don’t we try some of that sheet music I mentioned? I would simply love to see what you can do with sight-reading.”

 

 

When Carmilla left music therapy over an hour later, she found SJ sitting in the hall, writing in her journal. She jumped up as soon as she saw Carmilla, tucking her journal under her arm.

  
“Hey! How’d it go?”

  
“It went really, really well,” Carmilla said. She was still trying to process everything that had just happened. She had had such a terribly childhood, and so many difficulties as an adult that she had never expected to be able to create music that could only be described as beautiful.

  
“That’s awesome! I know a few girls who do music therapy, and it’s really helpful. Some of them compose, and it’s great to be able to create something. It gives you something to really pour yourself into. But even just playing, it’s so relaxing, and you can put so much passion into it.” Carmilla just nodded, and they walked in silence for a ways before SJ spoke again. “Oh! I almost forgot… Dr. Devine said that she thought you’d earned this.” SJ grinned from ear to ear as she held Carmilla’s phone out to her. “And, from now on, you get to walk yourself everywhere.”

  
Carmilla stopped in her tracks and stared at SJ. Between the experience at the piano, and now this, Carmilla was waiting to wake up and realize that she had just been dreaming. But she reached out and took the phone from SJ, and SJ walked away, down the hall, glancing back over her shoulder to give Carmilla a thumbs up. Carmilla looked down at the phone in her hand, and only one thought came to mind: _I can call Laura_.


	20. Uncomfortable Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla and Laura finally get to talk to each other again; Laura tries to deal with having class with Danny; Carmilla has to truly face her addiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of drug use, descriptions of abuse
> 
> Note: So Ell, the girl that Carmilla dated in high school, and Ellie, who's in Laura's psych class, are not the same person. I just happened to choose names that were a little to similar.

By the time Laura got home from class on Thursday, she was exhausted. Thankfully, class so far hadn’t involved much group work, but even just sitting in class taking notes, Laura still felt awkward. With her ex-girlfriend sitting in front of her, and Carmilla’s former counselor behind her, Laura always felt a little bit weird. She was relieved to get back home, drop her bag on the floor, and let herself fall into the couch. She raised her hands to cover her eyes and groaned. This summer session was going to be a long one.

 

 

Laura had practically fallen asleep when she heard her phone ringing from inside her bag. She didn’t get many calls these days, with Carmilla in rehab and Laf and Perry off doing their own things most days. So Laura lunged for her bag, digging through it to try and find her phone. She finally found it and pulled it from her bag, and then, a grin lighting up her face, she say Carmilla’s name flashing across the screen.

  
“Carm?” Laura asked excitedly, suddenly feeling much more energetic.

  
“Hey, creampuff.”

  
Laura was grinning from ear to ear. That was definitely her girlfriend––the low, drawling voice, the sugary pet names. Laura hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it. “Oh my god, Carm! You got your phone back already?”

  
“Yeah, I guess they think I earned it.”

  
“That’s great! I’m so glad I actually get to talk to you––we can talk about so much more than we can through letters. I hope my letters were good––I don’t really write letters much, and I know that there’s no way I can write as well as you do. So, tell me, how is everything going? What kind of stuff do they have you doing? Do you think it’s going well?”

  
“Slow down there, Laur,” Carmilla said, although she loved being able to hear Laura’s voice again. She could listen to Laura read a grocery list, if that’s what it took to keep hearing her voice. “I think things are going well. It’s weird here though. I still hate having group sessions. It’s just hard to talk about some of the worst parts of my life in front of nine other girls. The one-on-one sessions are going well, though. My doctor and I have been working on a lot of the issues that made me want to use heroin in the first place. I think it’s helping. Although I still really hate talking about mother.”

  
Laura nodded, before she remembered that Carmilla couldn’t see her. “That sounds good though. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in a group session, especially when I’m sure you guys have already been through so much. But at least you all have similar experiences, so you don’t feel like you’re going to be judged for it.”

  
There was a pause before Carmilla spoke, “I wish that were true. But sometimes I feel like I am getting judged.”

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“There’s ten of us in group. Everyone used drugs of whatever kind at some point. But I’m the only one that ever sold their body to make some money for drugs.” Carmilla’s voice was soft, and Laura knew that she was uncomfortable talking about this. “Most of the girls here come from backgrounds much better off than mine. Families with some money… addicted to things like cocaine or prescription meds. There aren’t many people like me here.”

  
Laura frowned. She knew that Carmilla had been through plenty of horrible things, but she knew that there must be so much that Carmilla wouldn’t tell her. As much as she hated hearing about Carmilla’s painful past, she was also relieved that Carmilla trusted her enough to tell her. “Try not to worry too much about what the others have done or been through. I know it can’t be fun for you to talk about some of this stuff, but you know that you can save the more personal stuff for your one-on-one sessions. Your counselor isn’t going to judge you for any of that.”

  
There was another long pause before Carmilla spoke again, changing the subject this time. “I also started music therapy.”

  
“That sounds cool… what is it? I mean, I’ve studied that a tiny bit, but I don’t play or anything, so I only know the basics. Are you just listening to the music to channel energy?”

  
Carmilla laughed softly before answering. “Actually, I’m playing. I’m working with this man named Vordie––Vordenberg––and I basically just get to play piano for an hour. I’ve only had the one session, but it was amazing.”

  
“I didn’t know you played,” Laura said, impressed.

  
“I don’t. Or at least I haven’t. Not since my dad died. Earlier today was the first time I’ve touched a piano in years. It just felt right though. I didn’t really know how to start. Vordie had me play some scales, and then it was like my hands just took over. I was playing and I didn’t really know what I was doing. But it felt right; it sounded good. Maybe when I get visitation privileges I can play something for you.”

  
“I’d like that,” Laura said smiling.

 

 

They spent over an hour talking, catching up on the new details of each other’s lives. Laura told Carmilla about the families she was working with at her shelter––although she’d learned not to get into too much detail about their situations. She didn’t want to trigger Carmilla. She told Carmilla about the classes she was taking, and although she mentioned that Will was in her class, she didn’t think she needed to tell Carmilla that Danny was in that class as well. She didn’t want Carmilla to be jealous or worried about Laura and Danny spending time together. And Danny still hadn’t said a word to Laura, so there really wasn’t any need to mention it.

  
Carmilla told Laura about some of the girls she’d met, and her new room. She told Laura all about her sessions with Dr. Devine, and how well they seemed to be going. But she didn’t mention Mattie. Carmilla wasn’t quite sure why, but she kind of liked the idea of having someone that she could lean on for support who was separate from the rest of her life.

After they’d been talking for a while, and they were both starting to get tired, there was a long pause and, with a hushed voice, Carmilla asked, “Do you miss me?”

_Like someone cut a hole in me_ , Laura thought automatically. But she just said, “You have no idea. It’s so amazing to just hear your voice again. And I really, _really_ can’t wait to see you again.”

  
“Yeah, me too,” Carmilla said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. She wanted to tell Laura that she loved her, but it just seemed like too big a statement to whisper over the phone when they were both half-asleep. So she just said, “Good night, Laura.”

  
“Good night, Carm,” Laura replied, smiling. They both lingered on the phone for a little while longer before Carmilla eventually hung up. Laura heard the click on the other end of the line, and she pulled her phone away from her ear. She clicked back to her home screen, and grinned at the image on her background: Carmilla, looking surprised as Laura pressed a kiss to her cheek. Laura smiled at the picture. She just wanted to get back to the point when she could actually have her girlfriend at her side again.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Although Carmilla was still closed off during group sessions, she was starting to get comfortable enough with Dr. Devine that they were starting to explore more of the issues she had dealt with that may have contributed to her drug use.

  
“You mentioned before that your last relapse was sparked by seeing your mother when she came into the bookshop you work at, right?”

  
Carmilla nodded.

  
“Maybe it’s time to talk more about you and your relationship with your parents. It’s obvious that your mother is a significant trigger for you, and I think we need to talk about that. We’ve been avoiding discussion of your mother thus far, but I think we really need to delve into that in order for you to make some more significant progress.” Dr. Devine waited for Carmilla to say something, but Carmilla just sat on the couch, arms over her chest, silent. “Did you grow up living with both parents?”

  
“For a little while. My dad left when I was young. He just couldn’t do it anymore. He tried, so hard, to get custody of me, but somehow mother won. I had to live with her. She got worse and worse as time went on. It started with little things: telling me that her life would be better if I had never been born. Telling me that if I disappeared, no one would miss me. Then she started telling me that my dad didn’t actually love me, and that was why he hadn’t gotten custody of me. It wasn’t until after dad died that she started actually abusing me.”

  
“Carmilla, I hope you recognize that abuse includes all kinds of things. Your mother was abusing you long before she laid a hand on you.”

  
Carmilla just nodded stiffly. Laura had once told her the same thing, and Carmilla knew they were both right, but it was hard for her to see her mother’s verbal attacks as abuse––not in comparison to some of the other things her mother had put her through.

  
“When did you father pass away?”

  
“I was nine. He had cancer. I always thought he was going to get better, but he just kept getting worse. He died about six months after I found out. I never even got to say goodbye. Mother stopped taking me to see him after a while. It was too much of a burden on her.”

  
When Carmilla’s pause stretched for too long, Dr. Devine spoke again. “I can tell that you were much closer to your father than your mother. You call him ‘dad’ but your mother clearly never earned that same level of affection. What was your mother like when your dad was still living at home?”

  
“She was distant, but she wasn’t cruel. Maybe she saved that for dad while he was still with her. All I know is it wasn’t until after the divorce that she started getting nasty.”

  
“How do you think that affected you?”

  
“There’s a pretty good chance that’s the reason I’ve got such a sunshine-y disposition these days,” Carmilla said sarcastically. Dr. Devine just stared at her, waiting for Carmilla to say something more serious. Carmilla sighed and continued, “It changed me. Before all that happened, I used to be a pretty normal kid. At least, I guess. I don’t really know. But I know that after, things changed. I stopped having friends over. I hardly ever went out with friends. By the time I got to high school I hardly had any friends left. Just Ell.”

  
“Ell? I don’t think you’ve mentioned her before,” Dr. Devine said, flipping through her notes to double check.

  
“She was my best friend––my only friend, actually, through high school.”

  
“Did she know about your situation at home?”

  
“We didn’t talk about it much,” Carmilla said softly. “But she knew. It’d be hard not to when your best friend shows up at school every day with a new bruise or cut. Or the occasional broken bone. Ell tried to make things better, in her own way. She would invite me over to her house as often as possible. It didn’t take me too long to figure out the right balance. I couldn’t spend too much time away from home, or things would just get even worse when I got home. Things were okay, though. I spent time with a real family, and I felt like a part of their family, for a while.”

  
“Is there a ‘but’ at the end of this?” Dr. Devine prompted.

  
“Feeling like a part of their family just made it that much more painful to go home to my mother at the end of the day. Things changed a bit the closer I got to graduation. I was at Ell’s one night, and she kissed me. And things just kind of came together for us. She was the first girl I ever loved. After we started dating, I practically lived with Ell’s family. And once I turned eighteen, I actually did move in with them. They knew some of what was going on, and they were happy to open their doors to me. But then we graduated, and Ell could afford college, and I couldn’t. So off she went, and I stayed there, living with her parents.”

  
“How long did that last?”

  
“I lived with them for about six months. But Ell and I were living in two completely different worlds. We broke up shortly after Christmas. And I felt like a burden on Ell’s family. They had tuition bills to pay, and a real daughter to support, and I just felt like this stray dog that they took care of because they pitied me. So I left. I figured I would get a job, find an apartment, and someday maybe I could afford to go to college. Obviously, that didn’t work out too well for me.”

  
Dr. Devine wrote a few things down, her pen moving quickly before she spoke again. “I want to come back to your mother, but first let me ask: did you have any issues with your sexuality? I have worked with many girls whose struggles to come to terms with their own identity caused a lot of issues for them, and I’m curious if you had any issues?”

  
“Not really,” Carmilla said with a shrug. “It just kind of happened, and it was what it was. My mother was going to hit me whether I was gay, straight, or anything in between, so it didn’t really matter much.” Carmilla’s voice was flat and unexpressive. When it came to talking about her mother, she always closed off.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

At her next class, Laura’s professor announced that they’d be working in discussion groups for a project over the next two weeks. He had already assigned groups, based on the grades everyone had received on their assignments so far, and Laura kept her fingers crossed as he called out the names, praying that she wouldn’t end up in a group with Danny.

  
“And that’s it for the first group,” Professor Scott finished. Laura felt her heart sink. Neither her name nor Danny’s had been called, and there were only going to be two groups. It looked like she was going to be spending a lot more time with her ex.

  
Sure enough, Professor Scott had grouped Laura in the same group as Danny, Will, and Ellie. Laura had to keep from actually groaning out loud. She hoped that everything would work well, but it was hard for her to be optimistic about working with both Danny _and_ Will.

  
“Okay, so in these groups, I want each of you to break down the more traditionally masculine and feminine aspects that society projects onto men and women. Group one, you are going to look at what is traditionally considered ‘masculine’ and group two, you’ll examine what is considered ‘feminine.’ Once you’ve decided what some of these stereotypes are, I want you to research any historical basis for those stereotypes. For example, if you wanted to present the commonly-accepted belief that blue is for boys and pink is for girls, I would also expect you to mention that prior to the first World War, it was generally the other way around. Alright, go ahead and break into your groups so you can start brainstorming. And, although we will have class time for this next week as well, it would be prudent for you to meet outside of class as well!”

  
The members of their small class immediately broke apart, splitting down the middle to form two separate groups. Laura was already sitting near the edge of the room, so she just stayed where she was as the other three members of her group moved towards her. She noticed that Danny was careful to take the seat furthest from Laura.

  
“So do you guys just want to throw out ideas for what’s feminine and what’s masculine tonight, and then we can split that up to do more research on our own time?” Will asked, already flipping his notebook to a blank page.

  
“Works for me,” Danny said, looking from Will to Ellie without making eye contact with Laura. Laura just nodded to show her agreement.

  
“Alright, so obviously I think you three have this covered better than I do… but I think the first thing that comes to mind for me is that pink is always associated with girls. Like your razors and shaving cream and all that are always pink and purple, while mine are silver and blue and these typical ‘guy’ colors.”

  
“Yeah, that’s a good one,” Laura agreed. “And then we could talk about the ‘pink tax’ and probably mention what he said, about how pink used to be for boys, but then it changed at some point.”

  
“Pink tax?” Will asked.

  
“Basically, it means that products that are targeted to women are slightly more expensive than the same thing for men. So even though shaving cream is the exact same thing, a men’s shaving cream is probably a few cents cheaper than women’s.”

  
“Huh,” Will said. “Yeah, I obviously don’t know much about this stuff.”

 

 

The four of them spent the rest of the class period brainstorming different, stereotypical feminine attributes, and then divided the research portion of the work up between them. Laura took everyone’s email addresses so that they could figure out a time later in the week to meet up, and then they all headed out for the night.

  
“Danny, wait!” Laura called as Danny hurried toward the exit. She stopped, although Laura could tell she was tempted to just keep going, and pretend she hadn’t heard Laura.

  
“What?” Danny asked, turning around to face her ex-girlfriend.

  
“Can we talk?”

  
“Fine.”

  
Laura led the way down the hall until they came to a lounge area, with a few chairs and a coffee table tucked into an alcove. She took a seat on one of the chairs, and waited for Danny to sit down opposite her.

  
“So, what do you want to talk about? Feminism issues?”

  
“No, Danny, I wanted to talk about us,” Laura said. Her heart was racing––she really hated these kinds of conversations.

  
“Us?” Danny said with a laugh. “I didn’t think there was an ‘us’ anymore. At least not since you dumped me.”

  
Laura groaned, pressing her fingers to her forehead for a moment as she tried to think of what exactly she wanted to say. “Listen, I didn’t break up with you to hurt you. You still mean so much to me––I mean, for goodness’ sake, you were the first person I ever loved, and you’ve been such a huge part of my life that I never wanted us to end up being this distant with each other.”

  
“You couldn’t have expected me to want to go out to dinner with you every week,” Danny shot back.

  
“Well, no,” Laura admitted. “But I guess I just assumed that we would still talk. And we’re still both friends with Laf and Perry, so I guess I thought that we’d run into each other every once in a while, and I guess I assumed that we’d be able to talk to each other when we did! I just––I don’t know, Danny, I guess I just wasn’t expecting to go months without seeing you or hearing from you, and then just have you show up here all of a sudden acting like you’ve never met me before. Actually, it’s worse than that! It’s not that you act like you’ve never met me, it’s that you act like I killed your cat or something. You’ve been completely avoiding me, and I could tell that you hated it when we ended up in the same group!”

  
Danny hesitated before speaking, and Laura could tell that it was taking a great deal of effort for Danny to have an actual conversation rather than snapping at Laura. “I guess when I found out that you were dating that addict, I felt like you’d thrown me aside as soon as you found something better. I was really hurt, Laura.”

  
“You really think that’s what happened?” Laura asked, her voice soft. “First of all, I don’t know how many times I told you, I’m demisexual. You know that I have to really get to know someone before I’m interested in them. Don’t you remember how long we were hanging out before I was finally ready to kiss you? I certainly didn’t throw you aside for Carmilla––and we didn’t even start dating until months after I had broken up with you. Plus, how could you say I threw you aside for something better? Carmilla had just detoxed from heroin, and relapsed a few times,” Laura laughed sadly as she said, “I’m not really sure that you can call that ‘better.’” Laura bit her lip as she said it––she didn’t mean to make it sound like Carmilla was second-best.

  
“I’m not saying that she’s better than me” Danny explained. “I mean yeah, I was so broken up when you ended things with me, and then when I found out that you were with her, I just didn’t get it. I guess if you had started dating someone who was more accomplished than me or something, I would’ve understood. But her? I just didn’t get it. I don’t get it.”

  
Laura took a deep breath before she started speaking. She knew that Carmilla was flawed, and they had struggled with a lot of issues since they’d started dating, but Laura knew that deep down, Carmilla was a good person. And she hated the way Danny painted her as someone who didn’t deserve to be with Laura.

  
“Carm’s amazing. You just have to give her a chance. She’s been through so much, that you can’t even begin to imagine. The fact that she has any faith in anyone is a miracle. And I don’t care how accomplished she is, or what her past was like, she’s my girlfriend, and I love her,” Laura smiled slightly. She hadn’t said that out loud before, but it just felt right. “And that’s not what I wanted to talk about anyway. I just wanted to clear the air so that we could actually work together on this group project.”

  
“I want a good grade too, Laura. I’m not going to get a bad grade on something just because I have to work with you.”

  
It wasn’t exactly the reaction Laura was hoping for, but it would have to do. For the time being, at least. “Alright, well then, I guess I’ll see you at the next class, if we don’t all meet up before then.”

  
“Great,” Danny replied. Laura couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. She just grabbed her bag, and, feeling disappointed that she and Danny hadn’t really resolved anything at all, headed back home.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Although Carmilla managed to keep an aloof attitude throughout her session with Dr. Devine, by the time they finished, she felt shaken up again. Every single time she had to talk about her mother, or spent too long thinking about her, Carmilla always started to fall apart again. It seemed that even three weeks at Lifestyles wasn’t doing much to change that. Her mother had been there since Carmilla was born, and it seemed like Carmilla would never be rid of her.

  
She wished she could have had music therapy that afternoon, because sitting down with the piano seemed to help clear her mind. But she wasn’t scheduled, so after lunch, Carmilla headed back to her room, her mind racing. She couldn’t stop thinking about her mother, the things she’d done to Carmilla, the things that had happened to Carmilla because of her mother. She had lost everyone she loved because of her mother. And the more she thought of her mother, the more she wished that there was some way she could get her hands on something to numb herself, something to push the memories of her mother out of her head.

  
Carmilla grabbed her phone, ready to call Laura, but she remembered that Laura had class that evening. Just as she started to feel like she was going to snap, Carmilla remembered that the last time they’d met, Mattie had slipped Carmilla a tiny sheet of paper with her phone number and email address. _“Call me anytime you need to talk, darling. That is what I’m here for.”_ Carmilla hurried to her nightstand and dug through the top drawer for the sheet of paper. She found it tucked into one of her books; she’d used it as a bookmark when she couldn’t find anything else that would work.

  
Carmilla pressed the phone to her ear, pacing back and forth in her room as she willed Mattie to answer the phone.

  
“Hello?”

  
“Mattie!” Carmilla said, relieved. “It’s Carm. I’m so glad you gave me your number.”

  
“Well, I would hardly be a half-decent sponsor if I didn’t,” Mattie mused. “What is going on? You sound upset.”

  
“I really wish I could use right now,” Carmilla admitted, running her fingers roughly through her hair. “I had my usual meeting with Dr. Devine today. We talked about my mother, and I just…”

  
“Breath, darling. I am right here, and I promise you that everything is going to be okay. You are still at the beginning of your recovery, it is completely natural for you to feel frustrated and overwhelmed, particularly after discussing the more sordid details of your past. This is part of the healing process.”

  
“It doesn’t feel like it,” Carmilla complained.

  
“I know, dear,” Mattie said. She somehow managed to use nicknames like ‘dear’ and ‘darling’ without ever coming across as condescending. It actually made Carmilla feel better. “One of the many benefits of Lifestyles is that it is simply impossible for you to get ahold of drugs when you are feeling triggered. It forces you to develop these other outlets to utilize when stressors like this come up. Were you still living in the city, what would you have done if you felt as you do now?”

  
“I would’ve gone to Mark’s,” Carmilla said, frustrated. She hated that, had she been able to get her hands on heroin, it still would have been her first reaction.

  
“Exactly. But that’s not an option at the moment, so instead you called me. Soon, you will find that when you feel triggered, your first response will be to call me, or to turn to a more productive form of coping. You will never completely be free of the pull of your addiction, but you will find that you control it, rather than the other way ‘round.”

  
“I hope so,” Carmilla replied, doubtful.

  
“Trust me, darling. I have been in your shoes before. Have you worked on other forms of therapy? Developed new coping mechanisms you can use to deal with these urges?”

  
“I’m doing music therapy.”

  
“Do you enjoy it?”

  
“I love it. It turns out that I’m actually really good at it. I can just play and play, and get lost in the music. And I can create things. I never thought that someone like me could actually _create_ something.”

  
“Don’t sell yourself short, darling. You can do incredible things if you truly devote yourself to it. Did you try playing when you started feeling triggered today?”

  
“No, I don’t have music therapy again until tomorrow.”

  
“My dear, if you feel that you need to utilize the different forms of therapy that are available to you, just use them. That is precisely why they are there. Yes, you have scheduled times for counseling, and group, and alternative therapy. But if you are really struggling, and you really need to play in order to channel your energy into something more positive, Lifestyles _wants_ you to do that. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Everyone at Lifestyles wants to see you improve, and trust me when I say they are more than willing to go the extra mile for you.”

  
“Alright, I’ll try it,” Carmilla said. She hadn’t even thought that she might be able to use the piano outside her scheduled time. She was eager to see if playing piano really did help her get over her cravings for heroin.

  
“Are you feeling better now that you’ve talked to someone?”

  
“Yes.”

  
“Excellent. That is what I’m here for. Please, call me whenever you need me. And good luck, with everything.”

  
“Thanks, Mattie.”

  
Carmilla hung up the phone, and then headed straight to the music room without a second thought. Thankfully, the room was unlocked, and empty. It looked like Vordie didn’t have any appointments that afternoon. So Carmilla crossed over to the piano, sat down, and set her fingers lightly on the keys. Even just having her fingertips touch the keys made Carmilla feel a little bit better. She felt okay, as though the piano itself had the power to brighten her day.

  
And then, she started to play.

  
The music was sad, in a minor key, but it was beautiful and haunting. Carmilla played slowly, but it was still so easy for her to play without really thinking about where she was going to put her fingers next. She wasn’t even sure if she was playing some song that she’d learned long ago, or if she was making her own music as she went. All that mattered was that the more she played, the more at peace she felt.

  
Carmilla thought of Laura, and what she would think of Carmilla’s newfound musical abilities. Her fingers shifted slightly as she thought of her girlfriend, and Carmilla noticed, with a small smile, that the song had slipped into a much happier, major key.


	21. I'm Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla struggles with her addiction and her craving for drugs. Laura tries to focus on her studies while dealing with her concern for her girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: description of a panic attack, mentions of drugs/drug use
> 
> There's more notes at the bottom to avoid any spoilers for this chapter. :)

Although Carmilla was slowly starting to see improvement in the way she reacted to her cravings for drugs, she still found herself thinking of heroin frequently, wishing that she could use again. Every time she thought of it, Carmilla wished that she could shoot up–– _Just once more_ , she always thought. She knew that she couldn’t do it, but Carmilla wished that she could use heroin just once more, just to enjoy the feeling of numbness coursing through her veins one last time before she had to give it up for good. She just wished there was a way to get rid of her cravings for good.

  
“This is just so much harder than I thought it would be, Mattie,” Carmilla said one night. She’d called her sponsor when she was struggling more than usual with her cravings. “I’ve been here for a month. I just don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.”

  
“Recovery isn’t going to be easy through every step, my dear,” Mattie replied. “That is the hardest part of being an addict. It never really goes away, hard as we may try. All we can really do is build other methods of coping with our addictions and fight against them whenever necessary.”

  
“Maybe I’m just not strong enough for that.”

  
“You truly do not give yourself enough credit, darling,” Mattie protested. “The fact that you have made it this far, that you have ended up at Lifestyles already demonstrates your strength. And I am sure that I need not remind you of the many things you’ve been through in your life. You are plenty strong, Carmilla.”

  
“Yeah, thanks,” Carmilla said, although she still felt unsure of herself.

  
“Are you sure you’re alright?”

  
“Yeah,” Carmilla said, shrugging her shoulders. “Thanks, Mattie.”

  
“Anytime, darling.”

  
Carmilla hung the phone up, and started pacing around her room again. She trusted Mattie’s judgement, but was frustrated by how much she was still struggling with her cravings. She felt like she was failing. Everyone at Lifestyles seemed to be doing so well at battling their addictions, and Carmilla couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe she just couldn’t be helped.

 

 

After pacing back and forth for far too long, Carmilla took off to find the music room again. It was starting to feel like the only thing that really helped, and she needed to start playing before her craving for heroin got worse. It was like having an itch that couldn’t be scratched, and the longer you tried to go without scratching it, the more desperately it bothered you. The stronger her craving for heroin got, the less tethered to reality Carmilla felt. She needed to get her mind off heroin before she lost herself completely.

  
The music room was empty, as it usually was after dinner, and Carmilla practically ran to the piano, her hands shaking as she pushed the cover away from the keys and let her fingers rest on the ivories. She started to play, but she was too flustered, and her hands were too shaky, and the notes weren’t right. Carmilla was hitting half the keys wrong, and it sounded discordant and certainly nothing like the music she’d grown used to hearing herself play.

  
“Fuck,” Carmilla cursed, pulling her hands from the keys. She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down, but it just wasn’t working. She was too shaken up. Carmilla looked around, trying to figure out what to do next. She thought for a moment about calling Laura. Talking to Laura always helped calm her down, but Carmilla didn’t want Laura to know how bad things were for her at that moment. As far as Laura knew, Carmilla was making great progress with her recovery, and Carmilla wanted to keep it that way.

  
Carmilla felt like she was just on the edge of a panic attack––a bad one. The urge to run, as fast as she could, to wherever she could get was overwhelming. She just wanted to get away, before the attack hit and she was left trembling and gasping for air, helpless until she calmed down. And she wanted heroin. _God_ , did she want heroin. She felt like every cell in her body was craving a hit of the drug. Before she could think about what she was actually doing, Carmilla grabbed her phone and took off, slamming the door to the music room behind her, and sprinting away down the hall, her long, dark curls bouncing off her back, and her worn old combat boots slapping against the tiles as she ran.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Laura was in a study room in the library, working on the group project with Danny, Will, and Ellie. They’d each already finished most of the research for their individual parts, and they were just working on putting everything into a presentation that flowed well. Laura had taken control, and was typing rapidly as Will went through the information that he wanted included on his slide.

  
“So, yeah, and then just finish it up with a bullet about how different companies and stuff are trying to combat the whole concept of ‘women as the weaker sex,’ and then I’ll send you a link for the one video I found so you can add that later.”

  
“Great,” Laura said, although her mind wasn’t entirely on her project. She hadn’t heard from Carmilla in a couple days, and she was starting to get worried. Carmilla had had phone privileges for a week, and they had talked every night since. But it had been two days since Carmilla had called, and she hadn’t answered when Laura tried calling her. She hadn’t even sent any texts, and Laura was afraid that something had happened. It just made matters worse that Carmilla was so far away. There wasn’t anything she could do to check on Carmilla and make sure that everything was okay.

 

 

They spent another hour working on the project, Laura trying to push her concerns for Carmilla to the back of her mind as she typed out the powerpoint slides for each person. But as soon as they were finished, she stuffed her belongings into her bag as fast as she could, grabbed her phone, and was out the door, dialing Carmilla’s number before the others had even finished packing up.

  
Laura listened anxiously as the phone rang once… twice… It took four rings, and then dropped to voicemail. It wasn’t even Carmilla’s voice on the answering machine; she’d never gotten around to recording her own outgoing message. So as soon as the automated voice began listing options, Laura hung up the phone.

  
“Damn it!” she cursed, squeezing her fist around the phone as she tried not to start crying.

  
“Hey, are you okay?”

  
Laura cursed under her breath as she heard Danny’s voice behind her. “Yeah, I’m great, Danny,” she said, unable to stop herself from crying. She was just so worried about Carmilla, and she hated that her ex-girlfriend was there to see her break down. “Really great!” Her voice sounded more frantic than she’d intended it to, and Laura knew that Danny could see right through her anyway.

  
“Hey, it’ll be alright,” Danny said, shifting slightly. She looked liked she was going to hug Laura, but she stopped herself from actually moving towards her.

  
“Yeah, yeah,” Laura said, wiping at her eyes to try and brush her tears away. “Why are you here anyway? You could have just gone home.”

  
“Yeah, but I care about you,” Danny said, her cheeks turning pink. “Even if we aren’t together… I guess you’re still my friend, and I don’t like seeing you like this. It was obvious all night that you’re distracted by something, and I just wanted to see what was going on. That’s when I saw you hanging up, and cursing.”

  
“It’s just Carm,” Laura choked out. “I know she’s going through a lot, but she hasn’t talked to me in a few days, and I worry about her. I mean, how could I not?”

  
“I’m sure she’s fine,” Danny said, though she didn’t really believe it.

  
“I just… it scares me so much. I almost thought that I lost her once already, and that was when she still lived around her and I could actually go check on her, and now she’s so far away, and if she doesn’t talk to me, I have no idea what’s going on, and I know that she’s got a lot going on with Lifestyles and trying to recover, but I wish she’d at least send me a text, you know?” Laura had given up trying to wipe the tears off her cheeks. She was crying too much, and besides, Danny had seen her cry plenty of times. Why should this be any different?

  
“That sucks,” Danny said sympathetically. “But listen, she’s at a center that’s designed to help people like her. If she hasn’t been in touch with you, maybe it’s just because they’re doing some kind of program where she can’t have her phone for whatever reason. And if you’re really that worried, can’t you just call the center and ask about her?”

  
Laura felt like an idiot. She’d never even thought of contacting the center. “I’ll do that, thanks Danny.”

  
“Of course.” Danny smiled, and turned to leave, but then turned back to Laura. “So… friends?”

  
“Friends,” Laura agreed, giving Danny the best smile she could manage. It was what she’d wanted from the beginning.

  
“Cool. Well, I hope everything’s okay. And, uh, I guess just call me if you need anything?”

  
“Thanks. Really. And have a good night!”

  
Danny waved her hand over her shoulder as she headed down the hall. Laura waited until she was out of sight, and then immediately googled the number for Lifestyles. It was already nearly 10:00, so she didn’t know if anyone would answer, but she kept her fingers crossed as the phone on the other end rang.

  
“Thank you for calling Lifestyles Rehabilitation Center for Women, if this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.” It was a recording, and Laura listened, impatiently, hoping that it might, at some point, switch over to a line where an actual person would answer. The recording cycled through several different options until, finally, the slightly mechanical voice said, “If you would like to speak to a member of our staff, please press seven.”

  
Laura immediately punched the number seven (much harder than she needed to) and pressed the phone back to her ear. It rang twice before it was answered.

  
“Lifestyles Rehab, this is Jordan,” a woman answered.

  
Laura felt a little rush of relief. She hoped she could at least get some answers about her girlfriend. “Hi, my name’s Laura Hollis, my girlfriend is staying at your center, and I haven’t been able to get in touch with her for a few days, even though she’s had phone privileges back for about a week now.”

  
“What’s her name?”

  
“Carmilla Karnstein.”

  
“Let me look her up.”

  
There was a long pause, and Laura could hear the faint sounds of typing on the other end. She paced back and forth, her fingers crossed as she prayed that Jordan would have some answers for her.

  
“Alright, well unfortunately you just missed lights out, so I can’t go get her for you, but based on everything I’m seeing here, she’s still got phone privileges and she’s been doing pretty well lately. I can let her know tomorrow morning that you called?”

  
“Yeah, that’d be good, thanks,” Laura said. She said goodnight to the woman on the phone, and then tucked her phone back into her pocket. She felt a sense of numb confusion as she started heading out of the library. If Carmilla was doing well and still had her phone, why was she avoiding Laura?

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Carmilla’s run turned into the panic attack, and it took over her body, and she didn’t know where she was or what was happening. She barely knew who she was. She felt it coming on, and she stumbled towards some trees, and collapsed to the ground. Her heart, already beating fast from her run, just kept beating faster and faster. Her hands were the first thing to start shaking, but soon Carmilla was lying on the ground, trembling from head to foot, trying to take deep breaths, but unable to do anything more than gasp for air. She didn’t know how long she laid there like that, curled in on herself, praying that everything would be okay soon.

 

 

It took almost forty-five minutes for Carmilla to calm down and come to her senses. She blinked blearily, looking around to try to get a sense of her surroundings. She was lying on the ground, surrounded by trees. She couldn’t see anything other than trees as far as she looked, and she assumed she was in one of the forest areas that surrounded Lifestyles. With a groan, Carmilla rolled onto her back and stared up through the canopy of leaves. She could see a few stars through the trees, but there was no moon that night, so the forest was especially dark. At least it was May, and even though it was late, it was still fairly warm outside. If it had been earlier in the year, Carmilla would have been half frozen already.

  
Carmilla pushed herself to her feet, and brushed the dirt and bits of leaves from her clothes. She stretched out and checked her phone. There were two missed calls from Laura, along with a handful of texts.

Laura: _Hey, Carm, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Just wanted to make sure everything’s okay._  
Laura: _I tried calling. Danny recommended that I call Lifestyles since I couldn’t get ahold of you. They said you’ve got phone privileges and everything’s been good. What’s going on?_  
Laura: _Carm, please just talk to me._  
Laura: _Listen, we’ve already been through a lot, but I’m still here, and I’m still rooting for you._

Carmilla scrolled through the messages, a pit forming in her stomach. She hadn’t been talking to Laura because she’d been struggling in the few days leading up to that night. Carmilla hadn’t wanted to admit to Laura how bad she’d felt, so she’d just avoided talking to her altogether. She should have known how worried Laura would have been, but Carmilla just wanted to protect her.

  
Carmilla raised her phone and held it out in front of her to try and light the ground around her, but even the flashlight on her phone wasn’t much help. With a sigh, Carmilla tucked her phone into her back pocket and started trudging in the direction she hoped would lead her out of the forest.

 

 

An hour and a half later, Carmilla finally found her way out of the trees. She looked around, and pushed her hair back away from her face.

  
“What have you gotten yourself into, Carmilla?” she muttered to herself. Even now, looking around across the clearing in front of her, she still couldn’t see any sign of Lifestyles. She didn’t know if there was any way she could get back to Lifestyles before morning, and if she wasn’t back by then, she was sure she was going to be in trouble. Carmilla didn’t even know if she was heading in the right direction, but she started walking back across the clearing, hoping that Lifestyles would eventually come into view.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *     *     *

 

Laura couldn’t sleep that night. Concern for Carmilla kept her tossing and turning every time she tried to close her eyes. She kept checking her phone, hoping that there would be a call or a text from Carmilla. Something, anything, just so she would know that Carmilla was safe. After nearly two hours of trying to get to sleep without success, Laura got up from bed and headed out to the living room to watch TV until she could fall asleep.

  
As she headed towards the couch, she noticed the leather jacket Carmilla had left behind, draped over one of the armchairs. Laura immediately crossed to the chair and grabbed the jacket, hugging it tightly to her chest. It didn’t smell like Carmilla anymore, she’d been gone too long for that. But it was the only thing Laura had left of Carmilla––other than the furniture, paintings, and books that were stored in her guest room. But the jacket was the most familiar, the most comforting. Laura crossed to the couch, flipped on the TV, and pulled the jacket over her torso, using it like a tiny blanket.

  
It still took her awhile, but eventually, with the TV playing quietly in the background and Carmilla’s jacket over her, Laura drifted off, her phone just inches from her hand.

 

 

The next morning when Laura woke, the jacket was still draped over her shoulders, and the TV was still playing in the background. She yawned, and sat up, pulling the jacket against her chest again, and then promptly reached for her phone. There was one missed call, and Laura’s heart leapt: Carmilla must have finally called her. She unlocked her phone and checked the calls, her heart sinking as she realized that the missed call wasn’t from Carmilla. It was from Lifestyles, the same number she’d called the night before.

  
She was nervous as she entered the code for her answering machine and listened the the message that had been left for her.

  
“Hello, Ms. Hollis? This is Dr. Devine, Carmilla Karnstein’s counselor here at Lifestyles. I was told that you called last night, and I was wondering if you could give me a call back? I’d appreciate it. My extension is 435”

  
Laura’s brow furrowed, and she started to feel even more nervous. Why would Carmilla’s counselor be calling her? It seemed like if someone wanted to tell her that Carmilla was okay, but didn’t want to talk to Laura, a staff member could have called, even left a message. Laura dialed the number for Lifestyles, and waited for the automation to tell her when to dial the right extension. As soon as she heard the automated voice say “If you know your party’s extension…” Laura punched in the right numbers and waited for Dr. Devine to answer.

  
“Lifestyles Rehab, this is Dr. Carol Devine, how can I help you?”

  
“Dr. Devine, this is Laura Hollis. Carmilla’s girlfriend?”

  
“Laura, yes, thank you for getting back to me so quickly. Jordan told me that you called here last night? That you haven’t been able to get in touch with Carmilla for a couple days now?”

  
“Yeah, that’s right. Is everything okay? Is Carm alright?”

  
“Actually, that’s why I was calling. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Carmilla wasn’t in her room this morning, and we haven’t found her anywhere in the building. I’m afraid she’s disappeared. I was hoping she had reached out to you?”

  
“What, no, I haven’t heard from her!” Laura said, suddenly frantic. How could Carmilla do this? “I haven’t talked to her in a few days, I was hoping she’d eventually call back or answer my texts, but I haven’t heard anything. What are you guys doing? Are you looking for her? Someone has to be looking for her, you have to find her.”

  
“We have plenty of people out looking for her,” Dr. Devine assured Laura. “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and we have plenty of protocols in place for this kind of event. None of our patients has ever been missing for more than twelve hours.”

  
Laura knew that was supposed to make her feel better, but it was hardly enough to assuage her worries. All she could think about was Carmilla, off somewhere on her own, probably upset, and on top of that, she was probably lost now. Laura wondered what kind of state Carmilla must have been in, to just take off running in the middle of the night.

  
“Can you keep me posted on what’s happening?” Laura asked. She had to go to work that day, but now she had no idea how she was going to concentrate when she’d be worried about Carmilla all day.

  
“Of course. And please do contact me if Carmilla gets in touch with you. She hasn’t answered our calls yet.”

  
“Yeah. Yeah, I will,” Laura agreed. She heard Dr. Devine hang up the phone, and she let her cell phone fall from her grip, landing in her lap. She started crying again, for the second time in just two days. She’d thought that with Carmilla off at Lifestyles, working to recover from her addiction, she could finally stop spending so much time worrying about whether or not Carmilla would be okay at the end of the day. She hadn’t expected _this_.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

It was now well past sunrise, Carmilla’s phone had died hours ago, and she still had no clue where exactly she was. She really thought that she’d have come across Lifestyles by now, or at least seen something in the distance, but she was starting to think that she was walking in circles. Maybe she should have just stuck to walking alongside the trees. At least then she could be sure she wasn’t just retracing all the same steps. Now, Carmilla was parched, and her stomach was starting to growl, and she was thinking fondly of the breakfast array back at the cafeteria.

  
“Fuck,” Carmilla cursed, finally dropping to the ground after several hours on her feet. She’d made her way back near the trees, hoping that by following the trees she could at least find her way to somewhere. For now though, she just needed to rest, so she leaned back against the trunk of a tree, closed her eyes, and tried to think back to camping with her father, and whether he’d taught her any navigational skills. But before she could think of anything that might be helpful, she drifted off to sleep. She hadn’t realized just how tired she was.

 

 

She had no idea how much later it was when she woke with a start––there was someone shaking her shoulder. “What the…?” Carmilla snapped, slapping the hand away from her.

  
“Carmilla? It’s James, one of the staff members from Lifestyles. We’ve been looking for you all morning.”

  
Carmilla let out a sigh of relief. Now that she actually looked at him, James was familiar. She’d seen him around Lifestyles, doing different odd jobs. “What time is it?”

  
“It’s just before noon,” James answered. “Come on, there’s a car just a little ways down here. Oh, and here, drink this.” James pulled a water bottle from one of the pockets on his cargo shorts and pressed it into Carmilla’s hands. She drank it gratefully, finishing the whole thing in less than a minute.

“Thanks,” she said, not meeting his eyes. She’d never meant for her episode the night before to turn into such an event, and she was embarrassed that she’d been found, more than twelve hours after she’d run away, sleeping against a tree.

  
“Sure thing. Let me just call this in, and then we’ll get you back.” James pulled a small radio from one of his other pockets, pressed a button, and said, “This is James, I’ve got her. We’re heading back to Lifestyles now. See you all in half an hour.”  
“Excellent, thanks James,” a voice crackled through the radio.

  
“Usually we just use these things when we’re trying to organize a bigger event, but they come in handy for things like this too.”

  
“I’m not the first one to run away?” Carmilla asked, trying to sound as though she wasn’t surprised by that.

  
“No, not by a long shot. It doesn’t happen too often, but at least two or three times a year one of our girls runs off for one reason or another. Carol––sorry, Dr. Devine will talk to you about it when you get back. She’s been really worried about you.”

  
Carmilla just nodded, and followed in James’s footsteps as he led the way back to the car. Carmilla couldn’t remember ever being so happy to see a beat-up Jeep before.

  
They sat in silence on the drive back to Lifestyles. Carmilla realized that she hadn’t been too far from Lifestyles; if she’d just come out on the opposite side of the trees, she would have been able to see the building in the distance. But with the trees in the way, she’d had no point of reference, and had just wandered without much of a purpose. When they finally pulled up in the driveway outside the sprawling building, Carmilla couldn’t believe how short of a drive it had been.  
Dr. Devine was there to greet Carmilla as soon as she got back. And, to Carmilla’s surprise, so was Mattie.

  
“I came as soon as Dr. Devine called,” Mattie explained as she hugged Carmilla tightly. “I thought it might be beneficial if I were here as well. Particularly given my own, ill-fated attempt to run away.”

  
Carmilla nodded, still slightly taken aback. She’d barely known Mattie for more than a couple of weeks, and she was surprised that the older woman was so invested in her. She shifted her attention to Dr. Devine, who also surprised Carmilla by giving her a quick, one-armed hug.

  
“We’re all so glad to have you back,” she said, smiling warmly. “Let’s get you something to eat, you can get washed up, and then we can talk, alright?”

  
Carmilla nodded, more than happy to go along with that plan. She was starving, and she was starting to feel weak because of it. And although the water that James had given her definitely helped, she felt like she could drink about five more water bottles before she would feel like she was back to normal. Her mind wandered to Laura, and to the missed calls and texts. For a moment, Carmilla thought about how upsetting it would be to hear the disappointment in Laura’s voice when Carmilla told her what had happened. But then Carmilla remembered that Laura was hours away––if Carmilla didn’t mention it, Laura never had to know.

  
Dr. Devine brought a tray of food to Carmilla’s room. She’d arrived back right at the start of the lunch hour, and Dr. Devine thought it would be best if Carmilla didn’t march into the middle of the cafeteria. Plenty of the girls had already heard that Carmilla had run away, and Dr. Devine didn’t want to subject her to prying eyes and curious questions right away. Carmilla plugged her phone into her charger while she waited, and then went back out into the space that she shared with the other three girls. Mattie was sitting in one of the armchairs, her legs cross, and her hands resting on top of her knees. Carmilla felt like the grimy kid from the streets again as she sat down across from Mattie. Carmilla glanced from her own dirty clothes, which still had pieces of leaves and grass stuck to them, to Mattie’s perfectly fitted white dress.

  
“I didn’t always look like this, you know,” Mattie commented softly, following Carmilla’s eyes. “I used to be quite like you are now. But getting clean really can do wonders for your life and your appearances. I can quite honestly say that I have never looked better.”

  
“Yeah, maybe I’ll get there someday,” Carmilla said doubtfully.

  
“You have far too little faith in yourself, darling.” Mattie paused for a moment, her chin raised as she watched Carmilla. “Have you called that girl of yours? I hear she has been quite worried about you.”

  
“What? Laura knows about this?” Carmilla demanded.

  
“You didn’t know? Oh, my apologies. Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now. That girl has been trying to get ahold of you for days, and apparently you haven’t been answering your phone. Which, I must admit, I find odd, given that you were speaking to me on that same phone just yesterday. She called Lifestyles last night, when you still had not answered her calls or texts, and this morning, Dr. Devine informed her that you were missing.”

  
“Shit,” Carmilla cursed. She’d been so sure that she could just keep this whole incident a secret from Laura. Now, though, she was going to have to explain what had happened. “I have to call her.”

  
“Eat first,” Dr. Devine said, coming into the room and setting a tray full of food down in front of Carmilla. “Then call your girlfriend. I already let her know that you’re safe, but she really does want to talk to you.”

  
“I don’t know what I’m going to say to her, Mattie,” Carmilla said in between bites. She knew that Mattie didn’t fully approve of her relationship with Laura, but she hoped that Mattie could offer some kind of advice.

  
“I think you may need to do more listening than talking. The girl cares about you. So if she’s upset or angry, it is simply because she was scared. Just keep that in mind. Don’t try too hard to explain everything away. She may just need an apology.”

  
“I’ll try,” Carmilla said. She was dreading this phone call.

 

 

Although she was tempted to take a shower right away after she finished eating, Carmilla ducked into her room instead, and powered her phone back on. She sat on her bed and stared at the wall opposite her, her face set in a miserable stare. As soon as her phone was back on, it started buzzing; all the texts from Laura that she’d missed after the phone had died were flooding in. Carmilla waited for the phone to stop buzzing and, more anxious than ever, started reading the messages.

Laura: _YOU RAN AWAY?!?!_  
Laura: _What the hell were you thinking, Carm?_  
Laura: _Please just tell me that you’re okay._  
Laura: _Carm, I’ve been stuck at work all day telling my families that everything’s fine. All my families know that something’s wrong, and they’re worried about me. Women who have been beaten by their spouses are WORRIED about ME._  
Laura: _Carm, I’m just so scared. I just need to know that you’re okay._  
Laura: _Please say something. Anything._

With a sigh, Carmilla dialed Laura’s number and leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees as she waited for Laura to answer the phone.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Are you okay?” Laura snapped. She’d answered her phone before it had even finished the first ring. As soon as she saw Carmilla’s caller ID flash across the screen, her heart had done a weird, painful backflip, and Laura just needed to hear Carmilla’s voice. She needed to know that she was okay.

  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Carmilla said, her voice soft.

  
“Good. Because what the frilly hell was that all about?” Laura demanded, her voice practically a shout. “You can’t shut me out for days like that Carm! At least send me a text to let me know that everything’s okay!”

  
“I’m sorry,” Carmilla replied weakly.

  
“You can’t just keep doing things like this! You can’t make me think that you’re actually going to change, and then pull something like this and leave me all broken all over again!”

  
“Laur, I’m so sorry.” It sounded like Carmilla was crying, and it was all Laura could do to keep from crying herself.

  
“No, you’re not!” Laura snapped. “Because if you were really sorry, you wouldn’t keep doing things like this! Do you even want to get better, Carm? I feel like I keep hearing you say things like ‘some people never change, creampuff’ and ‘I’m always going to be an addict.’ And I honestly don’t know if I can do this anymore if that’s true!” Laura didn’t know why she’d even bothered to keep from crying; the tears were running down her cheeks once more, and she knew that it was only a matter of time before her eyes turned red and puffy.

  
“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” Carmilla said weakly.

  
There was a long pause before Laura spoke again. “Carm, I don’t think I can do this.” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, but it hit Carmilla like a ton of bricks.

  
“What do you mean?” Carmilla asked, wishing that she could blame this on a bad connection. She never should have charged her phone, never should have called Laura. Anything to delay this conversation. Anything to have just a little bit more time where the thought of Laura was enough to make her smile.

  
“I just… I keep hoping that you’ll change, that you’ll take this more seriously and actually commit to getting sober, and then something like this happens, and it just breaks me apart all over again. I can’t do this.” Laura could barely believe her own words. Carmilla meant the world to her, but it was killing Laura to keep watching Carmilla hurt herself over and over and over. And the more it happened, the more Laura wondered if she’d even be able to keep putting herself back together. _This isn’t good-bye_ , she assured herself. _We just can’t date until she figures this out._

  
“I’m trying, Laura, I really am,” Carmilla said, pleading. She never begged, not even when she was starving on the streets. She would have rather spent the night listening to her stomach growl than beg for handouts from strangers. But when it came to Laura, none of the usual rules seemed to apply.

  
“I know that, Carm. But this isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t spend all my time worrying about whether or not you’re okay. And it’s not fair for me to expect this to be easy for you. I don’t want to be the reason that you recovery. I don’t want you feeling guilty anytime you falter.”

  
“I don’t care about any of that!” Carmilla countered. She couldn’t do this; losing Laura… she didn’t know how she could come back from that.

  
“I do,” Laura said. She felt like someone was cutting her heart from her chest, but she kept telling herself that she was doing the right thing. Carmilla couldn’t recover from her addiction just because she thought that was the only way that she and Laura could be together. And Laura couldn’t keep spending all her time daydreaming about any number of horrible things that could happen to Carmilla. “When you’re done at Lifestyles, maybe we can talk, and figure all this out. But I think that this is the best thing… for both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hopefully you can forgive me for the very angst-heavy chapter. This week's episodes were inspiring, in the not so fluffy kind of way. Hopefully they'll figure things out soon (on the show) so I can get some happier inspiration soon!


	22. Picking up the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla and Laura each try to get over their heartaches after Laura breaks up with Carmilla. Carmilla has to decide whether or not she really wants to sober up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of drugs and panic attacks
> 
> Note: I'm probably going to move things along a bit more quickly the next chapter or two again, just because Laura and Carmilla's lives will probably get pretty repetitive. Also, I still seem to be typing pretty well, but I fractured my hand this weekend, so I might be a little slower in posting for the next couple weeks.

Carmilla didn’t even know if she hung up the phone. It slipped through her fingers, jerked away from the charging cord, and bounced across the floor. She felt like someone was squeezing her chest, forcing all the air out of her lungs. _This couldn’t be real._

  
A few minutes later––or maybe it was a few hours, it didn’t matter anymore––Mattie eased open the door. “Everything all right in here, darling?” Mattie looked around the room, and saw Carmilla on the bed, her hands hovering near her face, as if she wanted to cover her eyes, but her hands had never quite made it. “Darling? What’s happened?”

  
“She’s… gone,” Carmilla breathed. _It can’t be real, it can’t be real, it can’t be real_ , she thought, her mind running on the same loop. She had to wake up soon, it all had to be a dream.

  
“Who’s gone? Carmilla, what is going on?” Mattie approached Carmilla slowly, looking around the room. When her eyes landed on the phone, which was lying on the floor a few inches from the toe of Carmilla’s boot, her face shifted into one of recognition. “Is it Laura?”

  
It was the first time that Mattie had used Laura’s name, and that, more than anything, pulled Carmilla slightly more to her senses. “Laura,” Carmilla murmured, trying to figure out what to say. If she said it out loud, that would make it too real. “She’s… gone. I called her and she just… she left.”

  
Mattie seemed to understand what Carmilla was leaving unsaid. She sat down on the bed next to Carmilla and put her arm around Carmilla’s shoulder. Without hesitation, Carmilla collapsed into Mattie’s side, her head dropping onto Mattie’s shoulder.

  
“Were we any other people, I would take you for a night out on the town to drown your sorrows,” Mattie said, holding Carmilla tightly against her. “However, that’s unfortunately not an option for either of us. It will be alright, darling. Eventually, it will be okay.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Laura tossed her phone onto her desk, her body starting to shake as she cried. She couldn’t believe that she’d actually just done that. She knew that it needed to be done: Carmilla needed to recover for herself, not because she wanted to be with Laura. And Laura just couldn’t find enough internal strength to keep getting her hopes up, only to spend entire days worrying about Carmilla––or worse.

  
She knew that she wasn’t going to be able to calm down, so Laura sent an email to her boss apologizing for leaving early, and then grabbed her phone and ducked out of the shelter. She just wanted to get back to her apartment, where she could curl up with a quart of ice cream and let herself cry until she didn’t need to cry any more.

  
Laura couldn’t even be bothered to care about the looks on people’s faces as she passed, tears running down her cheeks. She was just glad she hadn’t started sobbing––it would probably be best if she was safely alone in her apartment before that started. She couldn’t keep herself from checking her phone, feeling like her heart was being torn apart all over again every time she saw Carmilla on her wallpaper.

 

When she finally got back to her apartment, Laura dove straight towards the couch. Carmilla’s leather jacket was still there, right where Laura had left it, and she scooped it into her arms as she laid across the couch. She would get to the ice cream eventually. For now, she just needed to cry.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

It took over an hour for Mattie to coax Carmilla into leaving her room to go take a shower. Carmilla was numb, barely moving without someone prompting her to do so. She was exhausted from running away the night before, and she still couldn’t quite process what had just happened with Laura. She just didn’t want it to be true.

  
When Carmilla finally emerged from the shower (long after it had run cold), it took her another half an hour to get dressed, and ten minutes on top of that to gather up enough courage to go back out into common area where she knew Mattie and Dr. Devine would be waiting for her. She was surprised to find only Mattie waiting for her when she finally did open the door.

  
“I told Carol what happened,” Mattie explained. “She agreed that perhaps it would be best if the two of you spoke tomorrow and got some rest today.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, her voice cracking.

  
“Let’s get you to bed,” Mattie suggested, rising from the couch and walking to Carmilla. Her hand rested gently on the small of Carmilla’s back, and she led Carmilla through the living room, into Carmilla’s bedroom. She stood there as Carmilla crawled numbly into bed, and then pulled Carmilla’s blankets over her. “I’ll be back tomorrow. Do call me if you need anything. And try to get some rest, dearest.”

  
Carmilla nodded, and pulled her blankets up to her chin. The green blanket from Laura was on top, and Carmilla curled her cheek into it as she closed her eyes. She wanted to sleep, to take the chance to forget about everything that had happened and just enjoy being blissfully numb for however many hours she could manage. But instead, as soon as she closed her eyes, she started replaying some of her favorite time spent with Laura. The more she thought about everything that she loved about her girlfriend––ex-girlfriend, Carmilla corrected herself––the more losing her hurt.

  
She hadn’t cried when it had happened; she hadn’t cried at all since. As she tried to fall asleep, she kept hearing Laura’ words echoing over and over in her head. _“I can’t do this.”_ As Carmilla heard the words repeat, she finally started to cry, the tears rolling silently down her cheeks until she eventually drifted off to sleep.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Laura cried for hours on her couch, clutching Carmilla’s leather jacket to her chest the whole time. At some point, she wandered to the kitchen and grabbed the first carton of ice cream she saw. She still had Carmilla’s jacket tucked under her arm, and she gripped tightly to the freezing ice cream container as she headed back to the couch. She had to keep telling herself that she had made the right decision. And as much as it hurt her, she had to let Carmilla recover on her own, for her own reasons. No matter how much she wanted to call Carmilla at that very moment, and say that she’d made a terrible mistake, Laura had to stick to this. Eventually, it would work out for the best for both of them. She prayed that she was right about that.

Laura finished the remainder of the ice cream, sobbing so hard that it was difficult for her to eat it at some points. But she finished it, and then tossed the empty carton onto the coffee table before moving to the bedroom. She wished there was somewhere she could go that didn’t have so many memories tied to Carmilla. The apartment was full of them––the guest room where Carmilla had first detoxed, Laura keeping guard over her all night; the living room, where they’d spent so much time together, and where they’d had their first kiss; the bedroom, where Carmilla had spent so many night sleeping with Laura, their bodies fitting together perfectly. There was no where that Laura could go that didn’t make her think of Carmilla.

  
She ended up in bed, rolled up on her side of the bed, her back turned to the side that Carmilla would have slept on. She hoped that, if she just tried hard enough, she could pretend that everything was fine––at least until she fell asleep.

 

 

Laura called in sick to work the next day, and sent an email to her professor to let him know that she wouldn’t be able to make it to class that night. She just needed a little more time to herself to try and get over the initial shock of breaking up with Carmilla. Just because she was the one who’d broken up with Carmilla didn’t mean that it hurt her any less. She felt like her heart had been torn from her chest, and she was torn between wanted to spend all day crying while eating as much ice cream as possible, or just curling into a ball and trying to sleep. She just didn’t want to have to actually try and talk to anyone just yet.

 

 

A little more than an hour after her class would have ended, there was a knock at the door. Wiping at her eyes, and confident that she looked fairly awful, Laura dragged herself up from the couch and over to the door.

  
“Hello?” she called, standing on her tiptoes to try and peek out the peephole. She groaned softly, and rested her forehead against the door as she recognized the tall redhead standing outside her door.

  
“Hey,” Danny said, giving Laura a sad smile as Laura opened the door. “I noticed that you weren’t in class. And then when the professor said that you were sick, I figured something was up. You never miss class… unless you’re off saving someone. What’s up?”

  
It was nice that Danny still knew her so well, but Laura wasn’t particularly thrilled about having guests––even one she used to date––when she felt like such a mess. “I had some issues with Carm yesterday… I, uh, I actually broke up with her.”

  
“Wait, what?” Danny asked, surprised. “I thought you said you loved her.”

  
“I did––I do!” Laura protested. “I do, but it’s been so hard, never knowing what’s going to happen to her, whether or not she’s still going to be alive at the end of the day.”

  
“Well that’s a little dramatic,” Danny said gently.

  
“I once found her unconscious with a needle still in her hand on her bathroom floor,” Laura spat. She wished she could erase that particular visual from her memory forever. “And yesterday she was having really bad cravings, and she ran away from Lifestyles. It’s in the middle of flipping no where and she just took off! I hadn’t talked to her in a few days, and then I got a call that she was missing. It…” Laura swallowed, trying to speak past the lump in her throat. “It doesn’t matter how much I care about her, I still have to think of myself too. And I’m just not strong enough to keep worrying about her all the time. It’s exhausting.”

  
“You _are_ strong,” Danny said, trying to comfort Laura.

  
“I know that,” Laura snapped, more angrily than she meant to. “Sorry. It’s just people always treat me like I can’t take care of myself. I’ve spent my whole life proving that I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, but people still treat me like a child. It’s not that I’m not strong, it’s that I just don’t have the brainpower to worry about my families at the women’s shelter, and my girlfriend out at some rehab center, and everything else that I get to worry about just because I’m an adult!”

  
Danny sat in silence, watching Laura. It was clear that she didn’t know what to say to make Laura feel better, so she figured her best bet was to just stay silent and wait for Laura to say something else.

“Plus, this isn’t just about me. I was starting to get the feeling that Carmilla was working on her recovery just because she wants to be with me, and that’s not enough.”

  
“It’s not enough for her to get sober?” Danny prodded.

  
“No––that’s not what I––I mean, obviously I want Carm to get sober. I just don’t want to be the only reason she’s doing it! I want her to get sober because she wants to, or because there are things that she wants out of life that she can get by getting sober. You remember when I first brought her here to detox, and I told you that she’d been talking about going to school and getting a degree?” Danny nodded. “That’s what I’m talking about––I want Carm to get better because she knows that she had so much more to live for! I don’t want her to just go through the motions just so that we can get back together sooner.”

  
“No, that makes sense,” Danny said, nodding slowly. “I think you’re making the right decision, even if it is hard for you. What are you going to do if she doesn’t stay at Lifestyles?”

  
“I don’t even want to think about that,” Laura said, immediately feeling sick to her stomach at the thought. For now, she still felt okay because she assumed that Carmilla would focus on her recovery, and would get sober for the right reasons, and then Laura and Carmilla could work out their relationship from there. But if Carmilla decided that there wasn’t enough reason to get sober on her own? Laura didn’t know what she’d do.

  
“I’m sure that won’t happen,” Danny said quickly. She watched Laura for a moment, wringing her hands together. Although they’d made steps towards repairing their friendship, it was still awkward for her to be there, in the apartment they’d shared. After the pause grew almost too long, Danny got to her feet and said, “Well, like I said last time we talked, if you need anything, just call. And you might want to call Laf too. They said they haven’t seen you in like two weeks, and you know how them and Perry can get if you go off the radar for too long.”

  
“I’ll call them,” Laura said, giving Danny a tiny smile. “I wouldn’t want Laf showing up with a spatula to investigate or anything. And thanks for stopping by, Danny. It means a lot.”

  
“Of course,” Danny replied, smiling. “See you next class?”

  
“I’ll be there.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

The next day, when Carmilla’s alarm went off, she stayed completely still, staring at the ceiling, letting the blaring alarm on her phone go off for five minutes before it finally shut itself off. She didn’t want to deal with anything, not after everything that had happened the day before. She didn’t want to get up and have breakfast, surrounded by all the girls who had no doubt heard all about her little ‘adventure.’ She didn’t want to talk to Dr. Devine about why she’d run away, or how she was dealing with Laura breaking up with her. She didn’t even want to see Mattie again. All Carmilla wanted was for Laura to call her and say that she’d made a mistake. Carmilla wished that she could call Laura, but given the way the break-up had gone, Carmilla knew that Laura would have to be the one to initiate any kind of reconciliation.

  
Carmilla laid where she was, just staring up at the ceiling, her face stuck in a miserable pout, until she heard a knock at the door.

  
“What?” she snapped, rolling over so that her back was to the door.

  
“Come on, darling, you simply cannot spend the entire day in bed.” Mattie had arrived, just like she’d promised she would. She walked over to the bed and tugged gently on the sheets, pulling them down and throwing them away from Carmilla in an attempt to get Carmilla up and moving.

  
“I can too,” Carmilla replied defiantly, hugging her arms around herself to try to stay warm. It felt so much colder without the blankets.

  
“Now, I drove all the way here from the city, is this really the kind of greeting I’m going to get?”

  
“I never asked you to do that,” Carmilla said, sullen.

  
“You didn’t need to. I knew that you needed me, and so here I am. Darling, you really must realize that people care for you. Despite your sunny disposition.”

  
Carmilla just rolled her eyes.

  
“Come on, get up. Wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere.”

 

 

It took quite a bit of coaxing on Mattie’s part, but eventually, she got Carmilla out of bed and changed into something more presentable than her pajamas. Breakfast was waiting in the shared area of the suite again, and Carmilla had to admit that she was grateful for the reprieve from the prying eyes of the other girls at the cafeteria.

  
“What am I doing here, Mattie?” Carmilla asked as she picked at her breakfast. She didn’t have much of an appetite.

  
“You tell me,” Mattie suggested.

  
“I thought I knew. After that panic attack, and running away––I thought I was getting better. I didn’t think it would still be this hard after all this time.”

  
“Darling,” Mattie laughed, “You don’t honestly think that addiction ever truly goes away, do you? I have nearly ten years sober this summer, but there are still times when I feel as though the only thing I care about is one last line of cocaine. I still have days when every fiber of my being is calling out for the next high.”

  
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

  
“No. It is supposed to be honest. Addiction will follow you the rest of your life. You may be fine for years, only to be hit with cravings again when you least expect them. I will say though, the longer you go without using, the easier it gets to say no. When I first arrived at Lifestyles, I was constantly seeking a new hit, another high. It was the only thing in my life that mattered. When I graduated, I had the tools I needed to beat it. Now, I am the managing partner of a prominent and highly successful law firm in the city. Although there have still been times when I would have gladly thrown all my accomplishments away for a line, Lifestyles gave me everything I needed to build a better life. The only caveat is that you must be willing to commit. Lifestyles could teach you everything you need, but if you are not one hundred and ten percent committed, you will relapse at the first chance you get.”

  
Carmilla was silent as she listened to Mattie. It was a nice change of pace to get to hear the opinion of someone who had almost literally been in her shoes. But Carmilla was still doubtful. “I don’t know, Mattie. I’m pretty fucked up. Maybe I need heroin to get by.”

  
“You think you are the only one with problems? I suggest you listen a little harder during your next group session. You might even consider talking to your roommates. I spoke with Mel. She hardly seems to have been born with a silver spoon. Your other roommates? Jenn and Nicki? They too have been through things neither you nor I could imagine. Everyone has their own struggles, Carmilla. Virtually no one is so far gone that they cannot be helped.”

 

 

Carmilla spent over an hour talking with Mattie before it was time for her to go meet with Dr. Devine. She still felt miserable, and she wished that she could get high or drunk to numb her feelings, but Mattie had made her feel better about her situation overall. Carmilla might be miserable, but Mattie helped her realize that although she and Laura were no longer together, there were still plenty of reasons for Carmilla to focus on her recovery. It wasn’t going to be easy––getting sober was hard enough to begin with, but to focus on recover in the midst of a breakup made things even harder. But although Carmilla wasn’t particularly confident in herself, Mattie made her think that maybe she really could beat this, even without Laura by her side.

 

 

“What made you want to run?” Dr. Devine asked, when she and Carmilla finally sat down for their meeting. With everything else that had happened, it wasn’t until that afternoon, nearly two days after Carmilla had run away, that they were able to talk.

  
“I was having a panic attack,” Carmilla said shortly.

  
“What do you think brought that on?”

  
“I don’t know, maybe the fact that I want heroin more than I want to recover. Nothing was working. I tried calling Mattie, that didn’t help. I tried playing piano, that didn’t help. Then the panic attack got worse, and I didn’t know what else I could do. So I ran.”

  
“Were you planning on running somewhere, or were you just running to run?”

  
“At first, I guess I thought that I was going to run to somewhere. Somewhere I could find drugs and get high. But then I was just running to try and get out of my own head.”

  
“Did it work?”

  
“In some sense, I guess so,” Carmilla said thoughtfully. “Although that was mainly because the panic attack got so bad that I pretty much just blacked out.”

  
“Do you get panic attacks often?”

  
“More so, now that I stopped using.”

  
“Did you get them before you started using heroin?”

  
“Not really,” Carmilla said, not taking more than a moment to think about it.

  
“Hmm,” Dr. Devine murmured. Carmilla felt alarmed; that wasn’t exactly the kind of sound you wanted to hear from any kind of doctor. But Dr. Devine spoke again, before Carmilla’s imagination could start coming up with horrible possible scenarios. “That is not uncommon, especially at such an early stage in your recovery. But we’ll keep an eye on that. You should experience less frequent attacks the more stable in your recovery you are.

 

Carmilla and Dr. Devine spent nearly two hours talking about the reasons Carmilla had run, what pent-up issues may have led her to do so, and how she was handling her breakup with Laura. It took longer than Dr. Devine may have needed with some of the other girls at Lifetsyles; with Carmilla, each answer had to be coaxed out of her. Eventually, though, Dr. Devine announced that she thought they had talked about everything they needed to. Carmilla nodded, feeling more at peace than she’d expected to after such a turbulent couple of days.

  
“I am going to recommend that we bump your stay up to 90 days,” Dr. Devine said as she tucked her notebook away. “Of course, this is all voluntary, and I can’t force you to do anything. That being said, I think that being here for 90 days will really help set you on the right track.”

  
“I’ll do it,” Carmilla said, not needing to take long to think about it. She really did want to get sober, and it wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go.

  
“Great. Well, you’ve already been here for about a month, and you are making excellent progress, even if it doesn’t quite feel like it at the moment. Two more months, and I think that you’ll be surprised by how far you’ve come.”

  
Carmilla nodded. She knew she was making the right decision, and she knew that she could easily turn her life around and start actually moving forward once she was sober. But so many things had changed over such a short period of time, that she couldn’t help but have a heavy heart as she left Dr. Devine’s office. She just wanted to get back to a normal life––not spend month after month at a secluded rehab center.

  
When Carmilla got back to her room, her first instinct was to call Laura and let her know that it would be a little longer before Carmilla could come home than they’d originally expected. But she remembered, her heart suddenly feeling heavier, that she couldn’t just call Laura whenever she wanted to. Even if she couldn’t call her, Carmilla still wanted to let Laura know how sorry she was, and what was going on. So she grabbed a pen and paper, and started writing another letter.

 

_Laura,_

  
_There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but we will both have to settle for this letter instead. The past few days have been exhausting, to say the least, and I know that we have both been through a lot._

  
_Part of me wishes that I could ask you to just love me as I am––all the messy parts of me. But part of me wants to change, to become the person that you seem to think I could be. Maybe, someday, I can find some common ground between those two sides of my psyche. Perhaps then we can talk, and maybe we will find that things actually work for us. All I know, at this moment, is that as much as I love care for you, I cannot change who I am completely._

  
_I can fight my addiction, I can come to terms with my past, I can become a stable member of society and actually contribute some good to this world. But I will always be an addict. I will always be the one that might slip up if I make the wrong decision. And I know you, Laur. I know that whether I’m sober for a week or for a decade, you will always worry. Life simply isn’t meant to be perfect._

  
_That said, I want nothing more than to beat this addiction. I don’t know what I want from the future. All I know for sure is that I am sick of letting this control me. I am going to stay at Lifestyles for as long as I need in order to take control once more. As of now, I’m going to stay here for two months more. I hope I can plan on seeing you again, at some point, when I am finally recovered and leave Lifestyles._

_Love,_   
_Carmilla_

 

It was messy, and not nearly as eloquent as Carmilla usually was when she wrote. But it said everything that she wanted to say, without revealing how broken up she really felt. Carmilla sighed, folded the letter, and tucked it neatly into an envelope. Transitions were hard, and Carmilla felt like she was at a turning point in her life. She knew that the next two months weren’t going to be easy for her, but she knew that it would eventually pay off. 


	23. A Series of Improbable Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura stresses over her final for her summer course; Carmilla makes a new friend, and learns more about other forms of addiction; Laura and Danny have a heart-to-heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of drug abuse, self-harm, and eating disorders. This chapter goes a little bit more in depth in mentions/descriptions of self-harm and eating disorders, just so everyone knows. I don't know that I'll get too in depth with self-harm, because I struggled with that a lot, and it's triggering for me just to write the very basic bit about it that I did in this chapter, so it probably won't get more descriptive than that. But just wanted to give everyone a head's up.
> 
> Also, Carmilla still has a lot to learn about addiction, which is the reason her original opinions of working with girls with other forms of addiction. Self-harm and eating disorders are both addictions, and they're incredibly difficult to deal with, and although it takes Carmilla a little while to see that, I just wanted to mention that I'm not trying to take these things lightly or anything.
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy!! (These notes are a little bit longer than usual because, after that last episode, I'm still drinking plenty of wine to drown out the angst haha).

Carmilla had been at Lifestyles for almost two months, and time seemed to be moving much faster than she’d expected it to. Just like Mattie and Dr. Devine had both promised her, her cravings had started to come less and less frequently, and she hadn’t had a panic attack since the night she’d run away from the center. Although Carmilla wouldn’t describe any of it as easy, she was surprised at how quickly progress seemed to come.

  
She hadn’t heard much from Laura. Carmilla wanted to keep her distance, to make sure that things were on Laura’s terms, and to protect Laura from anything else that could possibly go wrong while Carmilla was still at Lifestyles. The only thing Carmilla had heard from Laura since they’d broken up was a text, a few days after Carmilla had mailed Laura her letter. It said simply: _I’m still rooting for you_. It was such a short sentence, but it meant the world to Carmilla. It was a little bit of hope for her to cling to.

  
Carmilla’s music therapy sessions with Vordie were also improving markedly. She’d gone from simply playing music to writing music as well. She was doing music therapy three days a week, and sneaking off to the music room almost every night for the chance to spend extra time with the instruments. Vordie had also started teaching Carmilla more about some of the other instruments he had in the studio as well.

  
“Why don’t we try the violin? A most wonderful instrument––I started playing it myself when I was a young man, off to university for the first time. A music major, I was, and what wonderful things I was able to study! Why, I’d never had the chance to sit in the midst of an orchestra, and have it actually count as credit towards my curriculum!”

  
“That’s great,” Carmilla said, trying to keep her irritation from bubbling up. As much as Vordie helped her, Carmilla just wanted to play the instruments, to surround herself with music. She wasn’t there to listen to the old man reminisce about his entire past.

  
“Yes, yes, of course, here you are.” Vordie passed the violin to Carmilla, who was sitting at the piano bench, although she’d pulled it to the middle of the room. She grabbed the violin by the neck, and tucked it under her chin, the shoulder rest pressing into her collarbone. “Good, just shift here, and here…” Vordenberg seemed to be speaking to himself as much as to Carmilla as he shifted her fingers slightly to give her a better position on the strings. “And, of course, you can’t do much without it, the bow.”

  
The violin didn’t feel as natural to Carmilla as the piano did, but there was still something about sitting there, instrument in hand, that made Carmilla feel at home in a way few things did. She hadn’t learned anything about playing the violin though, so she waited for more instructions from Vordenberg.

  
“Now, the strings are G, D, A, and E. You remember your notes from the piano, yes?” Carmilla nodded in response. “Excellent, excellent. You’ll soon learn to love when you play any of those four notes. It’s much easier to play the note the string naturally falls to than to have to constantly shift your fingers to find the right sound. Why don’t you try just playing some of the strings?”

 

 

Carmilla was a much slower learner on the violin than she had been with the piano, although Vordenberg still assured her that she was making much more rapid progress than most beginners. By the time they finished their first lesson with the violin, Carmilla had already figured out several different positions for her fingers, and she’d realized (without Vordenberg’s help) that she could also pluck the strings for a more staccato sound.

  
When Vordenberg announced that their time for the day was up, Carmilla reluctantly returned the violin, and grabbed the little bag she’d started carrying around with her. She knew that she wasn’t in school, but Carmilla had started carrying a backpack that always had her notebook, scrap paper for writing music, and at least one book for her to read. It had been Mattie’s suggestion, to find some way of dealing with cravings that Carmilla could turn to at any point. Mattie had a punching bag in her apartment that she used to de-stress at the end of the day, but she also said that she’d found meditation to be incredibly helpful at managing her addiction. And the bonus of meditation was that she didn’t need anything to do it; just a quiet room and a few minutes to herself, and Mattie could calm whatever cravings came up.

  
So Carmilla had started carrying the notebook and scrap paper, and whenever she started to feel cravings, or she just had some time to kill, she would start writing, or scratching out the rough start to a song she could try out on the piano later. It seemed so simple to her––how could marks in a notebook help her beat her addiction to heroin? But just by creating something, she transferred her energy into something productive, and it gave her something to concentrate on until the cravings subsided.

  
Dr. Devine had also commented that she was pleased with Carmilla’s progress.

  
“I was worried that you might have to stay longer than 90 days,” she said, towards the end of one of their counseling sessions. “Sometimes you just seem so closed off.”

  
“That’s just part of who I am,” Carmilla said, shrugging her shoulders. She really was trying her best to be more open and honest, particularly during her sessions with Dr. Devine, but she had accepted the fact that she was never going to be an open book the way some people were.

  
“I know. It just makes my job a little more difficult. With some people, when they’re so closed off, it’s hard to tell if they are making genuine progress, or if they are simply telling me what they think I need to hear so that they can leave Lifestyles and say that their rehab was successful.”

  
“How can you be sure I’m not just trying to manipulate you?” Carmilla asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible, just to be safe.

  
Dr. Devine laughed. “Despite the fact that you may think you’re being very sneaky, we have some cameras around the building just to keep an eye on things. I know that you’ve been sneaking out to the music room every night. And I suspect that if I were to ask what you’re carrying around in that bag of yours, I’d find some music that you’ve been working on.”

  
“Fair enough,” Carmilla said. She was impressed. Dr. Devine seemed to be able to pick up on just about everything, somehow.

  
“I would like to see if you would be interested in doing another group session. This one’s just three times a week, not every day like your group session. It’s all voluntary, but anyone is welcome. I think it would be good for you to interact a bit more with the girls who struggle with things like eating disorders or self harm. I get the feeling that you understand what it’s like for an addiction to come from something tangible, like alcohol or drugs, but that you’re not quite as comfortable with the concept of an addiction to something slightly less tangible. I think these group sessions could be good for you.”

  
“I’ll think about it,” Carmilla said. Dr. Devine was right: Carmilla didn’t understand how something like self-harm or an eating disorder could be an addiction. With heroin, there were scientific reasons for why the body became dependent on the drug. Self-harm and eating disorders seemed like so much more of a choice.

  
“Great. It meets Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at four in the afternoon. Your roommate, Nicki, attends almost every meeting, you might ask her if you could tag along to the meeting tomorrow. I really hope I see you there, Carmilla. Even though you may not have struggled with other forms of addiction, I think you’d be surprised how much you have in common with the other girls. And I’m confident that learning more about different types of addiction will help you better understand your own.”

  
“Alright,” Carmilla said. She already knew that she would go to the meeting. She didn’t have anything going on at four, and the music room usually wasn’t empty until later in evening anyway. But she wasn’t overly excited at the prospect.

  
“Oh, and Carmilla?” Dr. Devine called when Carmilla was almost out the door. Carmilla stepped back into the office, and turned to face her. “We’re organizing a hiking/camping trip for the weekend after next. I thought you might be interested.”

  
“Maybe,” Carmilla said nonchalantly. She would love to go camping, and she would savor the chance to really get out, get some fresh air, and maybe see the stars again. But she couldn’t help thinking that Dr. Devine was suggesting that, since Carmilla had run away from the shelter, she might enjoy even more time in the wilderness surrounding the place. Plus, the last time Carmilla had been on a camping trip, she’d ended up damaging her and Laura’s relationship. She wasn’t sure that she was keen to do it all over again.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Laura’s schedule was nearly packed between work and the rapidly approaching finals for her summer classes. Her online course was much easier than she’d expected, especially in comparison to the class on gender roles. Professor Scott had promised that the final would be challenging, and Laura was spending all her free time studying for it, reviewing all the notes she’d taken during the course of the semester, and getting together with Danny and Will to do flash cards and discuss questions they thought they might find.

  
On a Monday night, after she’d finished up at work, Laura headed over to the Silas library to meet up with Danny and Will one last time before the final on Tuesday. She was the first to arrive at the study room they’d reserved, so she set up her laptop and spread out some of her notes on the table. She checked her phone to see if either of them had texted her, and smiled as she saw the background. She’d never changed the background, and although she still missed Carmilla so much it hurt, the image of her pressing a kiss to Carmilla’s cheek was enough to make her smile.

  
“Hey, Laura,” Danny said, pulling a chair up to the table at Laura’s left.

  
“Hey!” Laura said, hurriedly hitting the lock button on her phone so that the screen went black. She knew that she didn’t owe Danny any kind of explanation, but she didn’t want to have to deal with Danny’s reaction to Laura’s wallpaper.

  
“So, do you think you’re ready for this thing?”

  
“God, I hope so,” Laura answered, tucking her phone into her back pocket. She used to keep it mere inches from her fingertips, just in case Carmilla called. But it had been weeks since Laura had heard anything from Carmilla, and she was hoping that meant that Carmilla was taking advantage of the situation and really throwing herself into her recovery, without using their relationship as a focal point. Laura had asked Dr. Devine to keep her updated as Carmilla went through the recovery process, and so far Dr. Devine had called Laura once a week. It wasn’t much, and it wasn’t nearly as good as hearing Carmilla’s voice, but Laura was glad to know that things seemed to be going well.

  
“Hey, guys, sorry I’m late,” Will said, dropping his backpack and taking the seat across from Danny. “So, let’s get this thing started.”

  
“I’ve got flashcards,” Danny offered, pulling a stack of index cards from her backpack.

  
“And I’ve got a list of the things that Professor’s Scott’s said were important throughout the class,” Laura said, pulling up the file on her laptop. She had typed her notes for every class, and each time Professor Scott said that something was particularly important, she’d typed it in bold.

  
“Excellent,” Will said, looking from Danny to Laura, “Well, I think we’re pretty well prepared for this already, so let’s just do one more look over everything, and then we can call it a night and go home and get a good night’s sleep.”

  
“Works for me,” Danny said, shrugging her shoulders.

 

 

They spent three hours reviewing everything, until all three of them agreed that they felt like they’d done everything they could to prepare for the final. They wished each other luck, and then they packed up their things and headed out. Will was the first out the door, leaving Danny and Laura alone as they packed up their things.

  
“So, how are things going?” Danny asked cautiously. She was curious about the status of Laura and Carmilla’s relationship, but she knew that she couldn’t just ask outright, especially not with her and Laura’s past.

  
“Oh, you know,” Laura answered, shrugging her shoulders as she stuffed her books back in her bag. “I’ve got about a hundred things going on at work, I’m stressed about this final tomorrow, and I broke up with my girlfriend who’s going to be in rehab for at least another month, and who I’m still kind of totally crazy about.”

  
“So, the usual?”

  
“Yeah, pretty much,” Laura said, laughing. Sometimes, she felt like her life was a mess, but at least she could still laugh about it.

  
“Well, you only have to worry about the final until tomorrow night. And––you know how much it kills me to say this––if you want Carmilla back, you should call her. Actually talk to her.”

  
“I don’t want to distract her,” Laura said, trying to justify it to herself as much as to Danny. She knew that she could call Carmilla whenever she wanted, talk to her, and actually maybe work things out. But she just couldn’t seem to get herself to call. “Plus, she could call me whenever she wanted to!”

  
“Laura, you broke up with her! She probably thinks that you don’t want to talk to her right now. I doubt she’ll be the one to make the first move.”

  
“Yeah, I guess,” Laura admitted. “Ugh, I just don’t know anymore. I want her to focus on her recovery now, and then when she’s done, and she’s more stable, maybe then we can talk and work things out.”

  
“Whatever you say. Hey, do you want to go out for drinks tomorrow after the final?” Danny hesitated, waiting for Laura to reply. When Laura didn’t answer quickly enough, she hastily added, “We could invite Laf and Perry too, if you want.”

  
“Yeah, that’d be good,” Laura said, swinging her bag over her shoulder and heading out of the study room, Danny close behind her. “Let’s just head to the bar once we’re done with the exam. We can always text Laf and Perry once we’re there. Especially since we have no clue when we’ll be finished with it.”

  
“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  
“See you.” Laura waved to Danny, and then headed in the opposite direction, off campus, and back to her apartment. She pulled a tangled set of headphones from her bag and plugged them into her phone, lingering for a moment on the lock screen, smiling slightly. Then she pulled up her music library and started playing Halsey’s album. She’d heard it for the first time just a few days earlier, and she couldn’t stop listening to it. So many of the songs struck a chord with Laura, and most of them made her think of Carmilla in one way or another.

  
Laura walked home with a half-smile on her face, mouthing the words to “Colors” and wondering how Carmilla’s time at the center was going.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

By the end of Carmilla’s sixth week at Lifestyles, she had starting working with Vordenberg to write music that comprised multiple parts for different instruments. Writing music for the piano was easy; now that Carmilla had been playing for a few months, she could even write music for the piano when she wasn’t anywhere near the instrument. She would have to fine-tune it the next day, when she did sit down at the piano, but it usually sounded good anyway.  
It was harder for Carmilla to get an idea for the sound of the songs she wrote for several instruments at once. Once it was all written, she could play the piano parts, and Vordenberg the parts meant for violin. But Carmilla had started writing for other instruments as well, instruments that they didn’t even have at Lifestyles. Someday, she hoped that she’d be able to hear what it sounded like when all the instruments lineup, and they all played their parts. For the time being, Carmilla was more than content to settle for the music she had at the piano.

  
“Hey, where’ve you been?” Mel asked, turning at the sound of the door shutting when Carmilla got back to their shared suite late one night.

  
“The music room,” Carmilla replied, as though the answer were obvious.

  
“You ever going to let us come listen to you?” That was Nicki, who was sitting on the couch opposite Mel, her knees tucked under her body and her arms folded across her chest. She was thin, and pretty, with long, perfectly straight blonde hair and ice blue eyes. She had a perfect smile, and always seemed to be smiling for one reason or another. She was wearing pants and a sweatshirt––she always did. Nicki had struggled with self-harm, and although it had apparently been months since she’d last harmed herself, she was still self-conscious about the scars that lingered.

“Maybe,” Carmilla replied, although she wasn’t sure about that. Maybe if someone else played the things she’d written, she wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about the fact that other people were listening to her music.

  
“Aw, come on!” Jenn teased. She’d been recovering from an eating disorder for more than six months, three of which she’d spent at Lifestyles. She took yoga classes every day, and was almost always wearing yoga pants and a loose-fitting tank top. All three of Carmilla’s roommates were out, all curled up or sprawled out on their own couch or armchair. Jenn stretched her arm across her chest and continued, “You know we could just hang out outside the music room and listen in, right?”

  
“Good luck with that,” Carmilla replied dryly. She knew that the music room was soundproofed well enough that no one would be able to hear much from the hall outside. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she said, moving towards her room. Even if Dr. Devine thought that she was doing a better job of opening up in their sessions, Carmilla still wasn’t looking to be best friends with any of the other girls at Lifestyles. She’d had too many people walk in and out of her life to keep letting people in.

  
“You coming to the general meeting tomorrow?” Nicki called out as Carmilla headed back to her room.

  
“Yeah, maybe,” Carmilla replied noncommittally. She’d be there, even if she did spend most of the time just scribbling notes on sheets of scrap paper.

  
“Off to talk to that girlfriend of yours?” Jenn called, teasing, as Carmilla reached out to open the door to her room. Carmilla froze, her hand on the doorknob. She squeezed her eyes shut, and paused for just a moment too long before pushing the door open, rushing into her room, and slamming the door shut behind her.

  
“Did you seriously miss the fact that her and her girl broke up like a month ago?” Nicki asked, slapping Jenn’s arm. “God, you’re clueless!”

  
On the other side of her door, Carmilla sank into her bed, draping her arm over her eyes. Every time she felt like everything was going well again, something like that happened. Something small, seemingly innocuous, and it would start to trigger her all over again. But she was getting better at calming herself down, making better decisions, and thinking things through before her cravings could escalate into a full-blown panic attack. Carmilla snatched her phone from the end table and dialed Mattie’s number before Jenn’s harmless comment could lead to a real craving for heroin.

  
“Carmilla? Is everything alright?” Mattie asked, answering after just two rings.

  
“Jenn just said something about me and Laura,” Carmilla said, her voice soft. “It was kind of triggering… I just… “

  
“I understand, darling,” Mattie said. “I am glad you called. I hadn’t heard from you in a few days, I was wondering how everything was going.”

  
“For the most part everything has been good. I’ve been writing a lot of music. It’s good. I feel like a different person when I’m writing. The music’s just… it’s different. And it makes me feel different. Good different, though.”

  
“That’s excellent news. I think you’re making some excellent progress, and I for one am looking forward to seeing the things you accomplish when you leave Lifestyles. You can always repair your relationship with Ms. Hollis––after all, the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

  
“I thought you were a lawyer, not a poet.”

  
“You should recognize that, Carmilla! It’s Eleanor Roosevelt, and quite a well known quote at that. You’ve been spending so much time with your music, you’ve forgotten about your books!”

  
“I would never,” Carmilla protested, feigning disdain.

  
“Just one month more,” Mattie commented. “Are you excited?”

  
“More nervous. I don’t have a home; I don’t really have anyone to go home to. You know, most of these girls have family or friends rooting for them. They come visit on weekends, they talk every night. I don’t really have anyone anymore.”

  
“You have me,” Mattie protested. “I was in a position quite similar to yours. I have family, but they had long since disowned me by the time I found myself at Lifestyles. Cocaine didn’t exactly leave me with a lot of friends. However, I had my sponsor, and she helped me tremendously. If nothing else, know that you will always have me.”

  
“Thanks, Mattie.”

 

 

Carmilla spent over an hour on the phone with Mattie, talking about everything that they could do when Carmilla completed her program at Lifestyles. By the time they said good night, and Carmilla hung up the phone, she had forgotten that she’d originally called Mattie because she’d been craving a dose of heroin.

 

 

The next day, Carmilla walked to the general group meeting alongside Nicki, her sheets of scrap paper tucked under her arm.

  
“Hey, Jenn wanted to say that she’d sorry for bringing up your ex last night. She’s sweet, but sometimes she’s a little spacy. She really didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
“Don’t worry about it,” Carmilla answered.

  
“You going to try and get her back when you get out of here?”

  
“I hope so,” Carmilla admitted, her voice soft, and a smile pulling at her cheeks.

  
“She must be one hell of a girl,” Nicki said. “I remember the last time a guy made me smile like that. She really must be something special if you’re still in love with her even after she broke your heart.”

  
“She didn’t break my heart,” Carmilla said defensively. “I mean, yeah, she kind of did. But she had her reasons, and I really can’t fault her for them.”

  
“You’re a sap,” Nicki teased, bumping Carmilla gently with her arm and grinning at her. “Which is why I’m sure you’ll get the girl. You’ll have to tell us all about it. And invite us to the wedding and everything!”

  
“Woah, let’s not get carried away,” Carmilla said, holding her hand up in the sign to stop. “We only dated for about a month before I got here.”

  
“Sorry, I’m obsessed with wedding stuff,” Nicki laughed. “I’ve been planning mine since I was about six. It’s going to be beautiful. And I’m going to have the greatest dress. By then, my scars will be gone––or I’ll have figured out how to cover them up with makeup or tattoos or something. Everything’s going to be absolutely perfect.”

  
Carmilla just shook her head, and opened the door to the group session, walking in in front of Nicki. They took their seats next to each other, looking around at the other girl’s who’d shown up for the day’s session. There were a few girls that Carmilla knew from her group sessions with other drug addicts, but most of the girls were from the groups that focused on other forms of addiction. Carmilla pulled out her scrap paper and started sketching music notes across the page, making chords and progressions of notes that she was excited to play later that night. She was barely paying attention to the room around her, but she noticed the number of girls that greeted Nicki as they came in.

  
“Alright, everyone, let’s go ahead and get started!” Dr. Devine called as she crossed the room and took her seat. “Before we dive in, let me just remind everyone that we are doing a hiking and camping trip this weekend, you have to sign up by tomorrow if you’re interested! Now, let’s dive in. Anyone have anything they’d like to start with?”

  
Carmilla tucked her scrap papers away and looked around the room, waiting for someone to speak. She’d come to several meetings already, and she was starting to understand what Dr. Devine had been talking about. The other addictions that the girls at Lifestyles struggled with, although they took different forms than the drug abuse Carmilla was familiar with, had some of the same impacts on people’s lives. She’d learned, during these group sessions, that Nicki’s self-harm had gotten so bad she’d wrecked her car, simply because the urge to harm herself was so great, and cuts and burns weren’t enough for her anymore. Carmilla had been skeptical of these meetings at first, but they had helped her. And learning about the different coping mechanisms the girls had to deal with different addictions had also helped Carmilla out.

  
“I have something,” one of the girls said. She was sitting on the opposite side of the circle, and she looked small and nervous.

  
“Go on, Marie,” Dr. Devine encouraged.

  
“Well, like you know, I’m heading home this weekend. And I’m looking forward to going back to my family. My mom and dad are excited about having me back home too. But I’m nervous about it too. I mean, it’s easy here to manage everything. I’ve got other people going through the same thing, and I’ve got counselors helping me through it all. But back home? I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back into the real world, and deal with this.”

  
“Do you know what her deal is?” Carmilla asked under her breath, leaning closer to Nicki.

  
“Bulimia,” Nicki breathed, just barely loud enough for Carmilla to hear her.

  
“That’s a great topic, I’m glad you brought it up,” Dr. Devine said kindly. “That is one of the biggest challenges that you face, and it’s one that we can really only hope that we’ve prepared you for. That’s why you have your sponsors, and you know that we’re always here to provide additional support. We can also connect you with group meetings in your area, if that’s something that you want to continue.”

 

 

They spent an hour discussing ways to manage their addictions after leaving Lifestyles, and returning to the ‘real world.’ Carmilla listened more closely than she usually did; she knew that she was coming up on the end of her own time at Lifestyles, and she was worried about life would be like once she was out on her own again. There were some decent discussions, and Carmilla liked the idea of having group sessions back in the city, after she left Lifestyles. Even if she didn’t participate much, sometimes it was nice to know that she wasn’t quite so alone in the world.

 

After the lesson, Carmilla started to head out of the room, but Nicki grabbed her arm.

  
“Come one, sign up for the camping trip with me!” Nicki pleaded, still gripping Carmilla’s arm. Carmilla guessed that Nicki wasn’t going to let go until Carmilla agreed.

  
“I don’t know,” Carmilla said hesitantly. She loved the idea of camping––with Laura. She wasn’t as crazy about going on a camping trip with a bunch of girls from an addiction treatment center.

  
“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun! I heard it’s two to a tent, and we already know that we don’t completely hate each other, so you should sign up, and we can share the tent! I promise to not be as annoying as I’m being right now.”

  
Carmilla thought for a moment longer, and then decided to go for it. Why not? she figured. She’d prefer to share a tent with Laura. But Laura had dumped her, and Carmilla wanted to start doing things without stopping to ask ‘What would Laura do?’ So Carmilla agreed, shaking her head as she watched Nicki sign their names to the sheet Dr. Devine had set on the chair next to her.

  
“If you break your promise, I’m going to have to hit you,” Carmilla said dryly. Nicki shot her a weird look––she couldn’t tell whether or not Carmilla was being sarcastic.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Finally!” Danny called, jumping to her feet as Laura walked out from their classroom. Danny had finished her final in less than forty-five minutes, but Laura had spent nearly two hours checking and triple checking everything, just to make sure it was perfect. “God, you were taking so long I half expected to come in there and find you dead from over-thinking things. How’d it go?”

  
“Ugh, I don’t know!” Laura moaned. “Come on, let’s just go get a drink.”

  
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Danny said triumphantly. “Literally everyone else is already there waiting.”

  
“Well excuse me for wanting to get a good grade,” Laura protested.

  
“You always get good grades, no matter how long you stay for the final,” Danny countered. “Hell, you got an A on that class where we met, and you barely stayed for ten minutes.”

  
“Yeah, but by the time finals rolled around, you had a massive crush on me.”

  
“Laura, I had a crush on you before the end of syllabus week. By the time finals rolled around, I was practically in love with you. Even if you still just wanted to be friends.”

  
“Danny, I told you, I’m demi. We’d only known each other for a few months, that’s not long enough for me to know if I like someone or not.”

  
“It didn’t seem to take long with Carmilla,” Danny said, sounding hurt.

  
“Carmilla and I knew each other for like six months before we even kissed,” Laura hissed. She hated when Danny got jealous, and it irked her even more now that almost a year had passed since they had been together. Danny opened her mouth to say something else, but Laura cut across her. “Danny, just let it go, alright? Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. We were great together, and I loved you, a lot. But sometimes things just don’t last. Let’s just enjoy the night, okay?”

  
“Yeah, sure,” Danny replied, sighing.

  
It only took them ten minutes to get to the bar, which was right at the edge of campus. Will, Ellie, and a few of the others were already there, and all of them were already a few drinks in. Laura didn’t feel like drinking too much, so she ordered a beer when the waitress came back around, but Danny said that she wanted to catch up, and she ordered two shots, and a vodka cranberry for a chaser.

  
Once all their drinks were delivered, Will raised his glass, already half gone, and announced, “Here’s to the best summer class I’ve ever taken, all thanks to you kids. Cheers!”

  
“Cheers!” Everyone else echoed, clinking their glasses together. They all drank, and then slipped into conversations, mostly revolving around the final, and school, and what they wanted to do next.

 

 

The night seemed to pass in a blur. Even though Laura had sworn she wasn’t going to drink too much, she was soon just as drunk as the rest of them, her senses getting more and more fuzzy with each drink. Their group started to think out, until it was just Will, Danny, and Laura left.

  
“You know, you guys are both like super hot,” Will drawled, his words slurring so badly Laura wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly.

  
“And, we used to date,” Danny added.

  
“Dude, that’s hot,” Will laughed. “And now Carmilla’s your girl? You’ve got good taste, Hollis!”

  
“Carmilla and I aren’t together anymore!” Laura shouted. She didn’t know why she said it. Sure, she and Carmilla weren’t dating at the moment, but only because Laura couldn’t bear to keep hearing about every bump in the road on Carmilla’s path to sobriety. But Laura still wanted, desperately, to get back with Carmilla eventually.

  
“Well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea for you, Hollis. You’ll find another one soon enough. Speaking of fish, I think Ellie’s missing me already.” He held up his phone, which showed that Ellie was calling him. “I’ll see you around. And Laura, tell Carmila I hope everything’s good.”

 

 

Laura and Danny stayed at the bar for a while longer, before they both agreed that it was time to go home. They gathered their belongings, and headed out the door. Once they were out on the sidewalk, Danny turned to Laura, her cheeks pink from drinking too much alcohol, her eyes slightly glazed.

  
“I wish I could kiss you right now,” she said, just barely giving Laura a sad smile.

  
“What’s stopping you?” Laura asked, her voice less coherent than she expected it to be.

  
“You’re still in love with Carmilla,” Danny answered, as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. “The way you talk about her––it’s the way you used to talk about me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over you, Laur. But I want you to be happy, and it’s obvious that you’re happy when you’re with Carmilla, despite all the ugliness that sometimes comes with it.”

  
“Am I not allowed to want her to be better?” Laura asked.

  
“Of course you are. I’m not saying that you can’t expect more of her. It’s just that you love her. And I know you, Laura. When you love someone, you want them to become this perfect ideal. You want them to be the way you see them. But sometimes you just have to love someone for who they are, even if that includes all the messy parts you don’t like.” With that, Danny leaned down and pressed her lips to Laura’s, just for a few seconds. She didn’t try to turn it into anything more, and she didn’t kiss her again. She just kissed her, for the few seconds before she pulled away. Laura just stood there, stunned. Her brain seemed to be processing things at half her usual speed, and she couldn’t even figure out what had just happened.

  
“Danny,” Laura said, trying to figure out what she wanted to say.

  
“I’m still in love with you,” Danny admitted. “But I’ll get over that. Eventually. Go get your girl back.” And with that, Danny turned and walked away, leaving Laura there to stare at her until she turned a corner and disappeared.


	24. Drinks, Tents, and Late Night Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura goes out drinking with friends, and celebrates her birthday, and some good news. Carmilla goes on the camping trip and gets closer to Nicki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: descriptions of abuse, self-harm, and a suicide attempt. (I know I include these for almost every chapter, but towards the beginning of this chapter, Nicki and Carmilla are talking, and it may be more triggering than it usually is, so I just want to warn people!"
> 
> Note: Alright, I was struggling with the chapter, so it took a little while to finish. And, ironically, for a story about addictions, I've finished the last two chapters while drinking (so please forgive me for typos!) The good news is I kind of jumped ahead and I have about half the next chapter written, so the next update should come sooner than this chapter did!

When Laura woke up the next morning, her head was pounding, and her memories of the night before were fuzzy. She remembered being at the bar with the rest of the class, talking, laughing, and drinking. She remembered it being just her and Danny at the end of the night. And––Laura sat bolt upright in her bed as she remembered Danny kissing her on the sidewalk outside the bar. But it hadn’t really meant anything. It struck Laura as Danny’s way of getting some kind of closure. Danny knew that she and Laura weren’t likely to ever get back together, and she wanted one last kiss before she was ready to let that go.

  
“Go get your girl back.” Even though most of the night was fuzzy, those words echoed clearly in Laura’s head. She smiled, grateful that she and Danny had finally reached the point where Danny was genuinely rooting for Laura, even if it meant seeing her with someone else.

  
Laura rolled over to grab her phone, unsure if she’d called or texted Carmilla after her little talk with Danny. But there was nothing there––no calls, and the only text she’d sent was to Danny, letting her know that she’d made it home safely. Laura groaned, and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. If she’d called Carmilla while she was drunk, it would have been so much easier for them to start talking, and, hopefully, to repair their relationship. Now that she was sober, Laura wasn’t sure that she could call Carmilla. She still wanted Carmilla to get better and finish her treatment at Lifestyles without using their relationship as a crutch.  
She ran her thumb over the wallpaper, tracing over Carmilla’s befuddled expression. Danny had definitely been right––Laura was still in love with Carmilla. She just had to figure out what to do about it.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

That weekend, Carmilla found herself in a tent with Nicki, each of them already curled up in their sleeping bags as they talked in hushed voices. Carmilla had never really had many friends, and Elle and Laura were the only girls she’d ever had sleepovers with, so the whole experience of sitting up late, talking, was completely new to her. Carmilla was lying on her back, staring up through the roof of the tent, listening to Nicki talk.  
  
“Yeah, so it wasn’t until I was eighteen that I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. My parents had never believed that something was actually wrong with me,” Nicki explained. She was in the middle of telling Carmilla about the way she’d fallen into her addiction and struggled to find her way to Lifestyles. “So when I got to college and could finally get some counseling, it was a relief. I mean, I’d been struggling to feel anything for years. That’s why I started cutting––I never really felt anything. I’d look around at my friends, and they all had so many emotions… and there I was, and I didn’t feel anything. I was just so numb. The only thing I felt was this all-consuming emptiness. It was like someone had scooped my heart out with an ice cream scooper. Hurting myself was the only way I knew that I was still capable of feeling anything.”

  
Carmilla just nodded along. She didn’t really have anything to contribute, and she would have been happy to just go to sleep, but she could tell that Nicki needed to talk, and so she listened.

  
“Now I’m so covered in scars I hate wearing anything other than pants and long-sleeved shirts.”

  
“Hey, scars just show that you survived something,” Carmilla said, propping herself up on her elbow just enough to look at Nicki. “You don’t need to be afraid of them, and you don’t have to hide them.”

  
“Oh, please, what would you know about scars?” Nicki spat, meaner than she’d intended. She tugged at the hems of her sleeves, trying to pull them further down over her wrists.

  
“Seriously?” Carmilla asked. She sat up and pulled her shirt off, and then held her arms out, twisting them so that Nicki could see some of the scars Carmilla’s mother had left behind. “This came when my mother threw a knife at me.” Carmilla ran her finger over the long, thin scar on her upper arm. “These are from shooting up heroin for years.” Carmilla jabbed at the numerous track marks in the crooks of her elbows. “This is from the time my mother used me as an ashtray when we were watching TV.” She pressed the tip of her finger to an ugly, circular, white scar on her forearm. “This is from the time I tried to kill myself because I thought it would be better than living with that monster for another minute.” Carmilla was crying as she pulled the leather wristbands off and ran her finger along a thin, horizontal scar. “And that’s from my mother, who saw the cut and told me I’d done it wrong, just like everything else in my life. She said she’d fix it for me.” Carmilla traced her index finger over the thicker scar that traced right over her vein. It was easily one of the worst things her mother had ever done, and Carmilla had been convinced that she was about to die when it happened.

  
“I know a thing or two about scars,” Carmilla finished, her voice low and soft. “But I also know that you can’t let them control you.” Carmilla cleared her throat. She hated saying anything that might be construed as emotional or overly attached. But, she also knew that Nicki needed to hear it. So she took a deep breath and said, “Nicki, you’re beautiful. And you’ve been through some shit. That doesn’t make you any less beautiful. Honestly, it’s just about what you do with it. You can either spend your whole life trying to cover everything up, and pretend the past never happened. Or you can embrace it. Just be yourself, and the scars won’t matter. If they do matter to someone, they’re not worth your time.”

  
“I take it your girlfriend doesn’t care about your scars?” Nicki asked, giving Carmilla a small, grateful smile.

  
“She cares,” Carmilla said. She’d stopped correcting people when they called Laura her girlfriend––even though she and Laura had broken up, Carmilla still felt connected to the other girl, and she had ever intention of reconciling with her when she got out of Lifestyles. “But only because she cares about me. She never asks about them; she doesn’t pry. But when I open up, and talk about them a little bit, she listens. Sometimes she used to kiss the scars. It was like a reminder that she liked me despite the ugliness of my past.”

  
“Good god, you two must be disgusting to be around,” Nicki teased, sticking her tongue out at Carmilla. They both laughed, and then Nicki said, in a more serious voice, “I hope I find someone like that someday. Half the time, I feel like people see my scars before they ever see me.”

  
Carmilla nodded, smiling ruefully. “Yeah, you’ll find someone. When I was living on the streets, I felt like no one ever saw me. People just walked past trying to pretend they hadn’t seen me. It’s not like I was asking for handouts. It just would’ve been nice to feel human, even just for a moment. Then when people did notice me, it was because they were disgusted. Or they were just some creep who wanted me.”

  
“I can’t believe you said I’ve been through some shit,” Nicki said, watching Carmilla, her face stony. “You’ve seen things that no one should ever have to.”

  
“Yeah, well, we both landed in the same freaking tent,” Carmilla grunted, rolling over so her back was turned to Nicki. “Get some sleep, we’ve got an early start for hiking tomorrow.”

  
“Yeah,” Nicki replied. Carmilla heard her shifting into her sleeping bag, and rolling around to get comfortable. “Good night, Carm.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

With a lot of help from Professor Scott, Laura managed to submit her application for the psychology master’s program at Silas University that fall. Even though she’d missed the application deadlines, Professor Scott said that he’d seen enough of her work to know that she would be a good fit for the program, and he had enough pull in the psychology department to get the other professors to look at her application package––even if she was submitting it halfway through the summer.

  
Shortly after he’s helped her put the application package together, Laura headed to Professor Scott’s office to get the results of her final. Laura was the last student to meet with him, since she had to come from work to meet him. It was also her birthday––a fact that Laura was trying to push from her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation she’d had with Carmilla, when she realized that she’d missed Carmilla birthday because she hadn’t known when it was. Now, Carmilla was going to miss Laura’s birthday, and Laura just wanted to forget about the fact that the person she cared about most in the world was hours away in a rehab center.

  
“What’re you still doing here?” Laura asked as she rounded the corner and headed towards Professor Scott’s office. Danny was sitting in the hall, leaning back against the wall.

  
“I was waiting for you,” Danny said. “It’s your birthday, Laura! Laf and Perry have something planned, and it’s my job to make sure you get there.”

  
“I really just kind of wanted to forget about my birthday this year,” Laura said, fidgeting with her backpack.

  
“I think that’s part of the plan,” Danny replied, somewhat ambiguously. “Now go on, Scott’s waiting for you.”

  
Laura gave Danny a funny look, but she tried to clear her head as she knocked on the door, waited for Professor Scott to call out for her to come in, and then headed into the room.

  
“Laura, hi, good to see you,” Professor Scott said. “Well, before I give you these results, why don’t you tell me how you think you did?”

  
Laura hated that question. She’d never been particularly good at analyzing herself, even when it was something as simple as how she’d done on a test. “Well, I think I did alright. I know I spent a lot of time studying for it. And I talked to my friend LaFontaine about some of this stuff. They’re trans, so they’re pretty good with gender roles and all that. So hopefully that helped. But I think it went well. I hope,” Laura finished, an edge of doubt to her voice.

  
“Laura, you got the best grade in the class. You clearly know this material, and it’s obvious that you’re passionate about it. I know the hours that you put in at the women’s shelter, and then to come here and devote as much time to class as you do? It’s pretty clear to me that this is where you belong.”

  
“Thank you,” Laura said, touched. She was passionate about her work, but she didn’t realize that Professor Scott had noticed that.

  
“Well, I really don’t have much to go over with in terms of the exam. The only thing I docked points for was in the question about the history of traditionally male and female roles. I really wanted to see people at least touch on matriarchal society. But otherwise, you did a really great job. You got a 94, so you finish the course with an A.”

  
“That’s awesome, thank you so much!” Laura gushed enthusiastically.

  
“No need to thank me, Laura, you did all the work. There was something else that I wanted to talk to you about, though. You know that we submitted your application package late, and I said that I would do my best to get some of the other professors to look at it.” Laura nodded. “Well, I got the head of the department to check it out, and he’s interested in having you join our program in the fall. But, he needs to do an interview with you first.”

  
“Are you serious?” Laura demanded, her heart racing. Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad birthday after all. “That’s amazing!”

  
“They’re really impressed with the work that you’ve done at the center, and you had stellar grades… for the most part… while you were here at Silas for your undergrad. But Dr. Lengel just wants to talk to you, get to know you a little bit, and make sure that you would be a good fit for the program. I assume you’re still interested?”

  
“Yeah, of course! Absolutely!” Laura was practically beside herself. She’d known when she submitted the application that Professor Scott was pulling for her, but she still figured that it was a long shot. She hadn’t been expecting to get this far.

  
“Great. Well, he knows about your job at the clinic, obviously, but he was wondering if you could get away for an hour or two during lunch on Friday?”

  
“Yeah, most of my work is pretty easy to shift around. I usually have meetings with some of my families on Friday mornings, but I can shift that around. Can I get back to you with a time tomorrow, once I’ve had the chance to talk to my families?”

  
“Absolutely. I’ll let Dr. Lengel know, and then we can get everything set up once you have a time. I have to say, I’m hoping you get in. It’s been a pleasure having you, and I would love to have you back in class again.”

  
Laura could have thanked Professor Scott over and over for everything he’d done, but she didn’t want to go too overboard. And she knew that Danny was waiting out in the hallway. So she just said, “Thank you so much, again, Professor Scott, for everything. I’ll send you an email as soon as I have everything sorted out tomorrow!”

  
“Ready?” Danny asked, looking up as soon as Laura burst out of the office.

  
“Yes, let’s celebrate!” Laura said. She was so excited that she rushed over to Danny and gave her a bear hug, wrapping her arms around her ex-girlfriend’s stomach. She’d almost forgotten how short Danny made her feel.

  
“Well, that’s certainly a change of pace,” Danny commented.

  
“I just got some really good news. I got an A in the course, but Professor Scott and I have been working on getting me in for the fall for the psychology program, and he just told me that Dr. Lengel––the department head––is interested in my application, and he wants to interview me this Friday! I might actually have a shot at being a grad student here this fall!”

  
“Laura, that’s amazing! And a perfect birthday present. Now, come on, Laf and Perry are waiting for us at the bar.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Carmilla, Nicki, and the rest of the girls that had signed up for the camping trip spent most of the day hiking as they made their way back to Lifestyles. Originally, the plan had been for the trip last the weekend, but Dr. Devine had decided to spend Sunday just enjoying the outdoors. So they packed everything up on Monday morning instead, and spent the day hiking back. Carmilla was glad for the extra time outdoors, away from the heavily structured days at Lifestyles. But she was looking forward to getting back to a comfortable bed, a private room, and––most importantly––the music room. She’d also spent most of the day debating whether or not she should call Laura to wish her a happy birthday.

  
“What’s up?” Nicki asked, as they neared Lifestyles, and Carmilla checked her phone for what could have been the hundredth time.

  
“It’s Laura’s birthday, and I’m trying to decide whether or not I should call her.”

  
“Pretty sure it’s a good rule of thumb to always call your girl on her birthday,” Nicki suggested.

  
“True, but it’s….complicated. Technically we did break up. However, Laura’s not the type to jump from one relationship to the next.” Carmilla smiled, thinking of the first time Laura had tried to explain demisexuality to her. “I’m obviously not seeing anyone here. I just thought that she might call at some point after we broke up, and I’ve heard nothing. So I don’t know whether or not it’s okay for me to call her.”

  
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure that the general idea is that if you care about someone, you do stuff for them. Like wish them a happy birthday. People like it when their birthdays are remembered.”

  
“I’ve never cared for birthdays,” Carmilla mused.

  
“Yeah but you’re pretty much constantly broody,” Nicki retorted. “I’d be willing to bet that your girl would be happy to hear from you. At least send her a text, alright?”

 

Once they got back to Lifestyles, Carmilla and Nicki turned in all their camping gear and headed back to their suite to shower and change before dinner. Nicki let Carmilla go first, and the whole time Carmilla was showering, she couldn’t stop thinking about Laura’s birthday. She wanted to reach out to Laura, of course, but she was stressed about the right way to do it. Were she still at home, in the city, she would have planned something special––a night out, maybe some candles in Laura’s apartment, and Carmilla would have worked hard to make sure it was special. But now, she was completely out of her element.

  
After she finished her shower, Carmilla headed into her room, changed into the floor-length robe Mattie had given her, and sat on the edge of her phone, tapping her thumb absentmindedly against the screen as she tried to think of what she wanted to say. A simple ‘happy birthday’ seemed far too impersonal, given everything they had been through, and everything Laura meant to her. But Carmilla still wasn’t sure if Laura even wanted to hear from her, so she didn’t want to push her luck too much.

  
Eventually, her fingers moving slowly, Carmilla typed out a message that seemed about right. It would have been easier to write a letter, but Carmilla wanted to make sure that Laura knew that Carmilla actually remembered Laura’s birthday on her birthday. So she reread the message, hit send, and then dropped her phone into one of the drawers in her nightstand. She was too nervous about what Laura’s response might be––or worse, not getting a response at all––to carry her phone with her all night.

 

 

“Did you call your girl?” Nicki asked, as Carmilla emerged from the bedroom. Nicki’s long, brown hair was wet, and she’d changed into a fresh set of clothes already, so Carmilla followed her out of the room and towards the cafeteria.

  
“No,” Carmilla answered, running her fingers through her own hair, forgetting that it was still wet. “But I did send her a text. I still don’t know if she even wants to speak to me, so I figured at least with a text she can just ignore me if she wants to.”

  
“Well I guess Dr. Devine hasn’t been making your self-esteem the focus of her time with you.” Nicki commented.

  
“What are you talking about?”

  
“You’re still so down on yourself all the time. Have a little confidence. Your girl cares about you, why is that so hard for you to believe?”

  
“I spent most of my life listening to my mother tell me that I didn’t deserve to be loved,” Carmilla said softly. “It’s not that easy to shake that kind of thing off.”

  
“You should probably work on that for however much longer you’re here,” Nicki suggested, giving Carmilla a sad half-smile. “It’s going to be hard for you to stick to your sobriety if you don’t even think you’re worth it.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Come on, Laur, one more shot!” LaFontaine shouted cheerfully over the music in the bar, passing a tiny shot glass to Laura and taking one for themselves.

  
“Alright, a’ight, fine,” Laura slurred, taking the shot glass from her friend. “Cheers!” She clinked her glass against LaFontiane’s, and then tilted her head back and swallowed the shot in one gulp. As soon as she finished it, she waved frantically at the soda Danny had been drinking to pace herself.

  
“Bad taste?” Danny asked, laughing as she passed her drink to Laura so she could chase her shot.

  
“Horrible,” Laura croaked. “Here, Laf, get me a rum’n’coke,” Laura said, falling across Perry as she passed a bit of cash to her friend.

  
“Come on, Laur, you don’t pay for anything on your birthday,” LaFontaine said, pushing Laura’s money away before turning to the bartender to order the rum and coke.

  
Laura tucked her money back in her purse, and noticed that she had a new text waiting for her on her phone. She pulled her phone out, and tried (three times) to unlock it before it finally worked. A stupid grin spread across her face when she saw Carmilla’s caller ID photo attached to the new texts. Her vision seemed to be blur as she read, and it took her a few read-throughs to be sure that she’d read it right.

  
_Happy Birthday, cupcake. I hope that you have an amazing day, and that you get to celebrate and have some fun. You deserve it more than anyone. Just know that I am thinking of you, and wishing you the best, always. All my love, Carmilla._

  
It was short, and to the point, but it made Laura grin ear-to-ear. The fact that Carmilla had actually remembered her birthday, in the midst of everything else she was working on, meant the world to Laura. She started to type out a response, but the keys were swimming as she tried to type something, and she decided to wait until she was sober to answer.

 

 

The night passed in a blur––from shots with LaFontaine, to dancing with Danny, to walking home between a very drunk LaFontaine and a comically tipsy Perry. She barely remembered getting back to her apartment, fumbling with her keys, and laughing as she tripped her way into her bed. She wasn’t sure whether or not she’d dreamed of Perry tucking her into bed, and LaFontiane kissing the top of her head before they left. The rest of the night faded to black, and Laura knew that she was going to sleep for hours––she rarely took sick days, but she just might have to make an exception.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

Carmilla was sitting in the shared area of the suite, reading, when her phone started buzzing. She’d retrieved it from the drawer in the nightstand when she and Nicki got back from dinner, and since there wasn’t a text from Laura, she’d assumed that Laura wasn’t going to get in touch with her, and decided that she didn’t have anything to lose by keeping her phone with her. So when it started buzzing, Carmilla jumped, dropping her book onto her lap, and losing her place on the page. Nicki started laughing at her, and Carmilla flipped her off as she answered the phone.

  
“Hello?” she asked. She was never good at checking caller ID before she answered.

  
“Carm, I gotch-yer text!” Carmilla immediately recognized Laura’s voice, even if she was more drunk than Carmilla could ever remember her being. “It was sooo sweet. I miss you too, I wantchu to come home. My bed’stoo big for one person.”

  
“I’m sorry to hear that, creampuff,” Carmilla teased, trying not to laugh too loud. It sounded like Laura wouldn’t remember this conversation the next morning, but Carmilla still didn’t want the other girl to end up mad at her.

  
“You shoulda been here! I might get into the grad school thing––with classes and e’rything! It was a huge cel-bration tonight.”

  
“It sure sounds like it,” Carmilla laughed. “Maybe you should get some sleep, Laur.”

  
“Will you read me something?” Laura asked. “Like a bedtime thing?”

  
“A bed-time story?” Carmilla prompted.

  
“Yeah, that thing,” Laura drawled.

  
“Sure,” Carmilla agreed, smiling. She grabbed her book––Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell––and headed into her room, flipping Nicki off again before she shut her door behind her. Nicki was sitting on the couch, just smirking and shaking her head. “So, let me give you a little background on the story bef––”

  
“I love you, Carm,” Laura hummed sleepily.”

  
“You’re drunk,” Carmilla replied, although her cheeks burned bright pink, and she couldn’t help the grin that spread across her cheeks. She was pretty sure that she’d smiled more in the time that she’d known Laura than she had in the entire rest of her life.

  
“Drunk thoughts are sober thoughts,” Laura recited, sounding much more wise than Carmilla knew she was capable of.

  
Carmilla went silent for a minute. Maybe Nicki was right, maybe she did need to work on her self-esteem. Because she really didn’t understand how someone as good as Laura could ever love someone as damaged as herself.

  
“Carm?” Laura asked, when Carmilla had been silent for too long.

  
“You still want that bedtime story, creampuff?” Carmilla asked, her voice constricted.

  
“I just want to hear your voice,” Laura whispered. Her breathing was getting more even, and Carmilla could tell that she was about to fall asleep. But she started talking anyway, telling Laura some of the stories her father had read to her when she was a child. It didn’t take long before she could tell that Laura was sleeping––she finished the story about the paper bag princess, and was only about halfway through the story about the girl who colored her skin with magic markers before Laura’s breathing turned to soft snoring.

  
“I love you too,” Carmilla whispered before she hung up the phone, tossed it onto her nightstand, and rolled onto her back. She closed her eyes and imagined what it would be like, just to get to hold Laur again when she finally left Lifestyles.


	25. A Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla wraps up her treatment at Lifestyles and tries to figure out what life will be like once she'd out; Laura works on figuring out her plans for the fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, prostitution, and drug use

Despite missing most of her day thanks to a nasty hangover, Laura still managed to get to work that afternoon, with enough time to talk to each of her families. They were all more than happy to shift their schedules around so that Laura would be free to meet with Dr. Lengel for her interview that Friday. Her boss and coworkers wished her luck, and by Friday, Laura was nervous, but excited to go meet with the man who could decide whether or not she would be a grad student in the fall.

 

“Ms. Hollis, I presume?” Dr. Lengel was a well-dressed man, wearing grey dress pants and a matching grey vest. His button-down was a soft blue, and he wore a neatly folded red bowtie at his neck.

  
“Yes, sir,” Laura said, reaching out to shake his hand. She’d arrived at his office, and he’d come to the door to greet her. She was dressed in one of her nicer outfits––black dress pants, a white blouse that buttoned up to her neck, and a black suit jacket. She hoped it was enough to make a good impression.

  
“Pleasure to meet you. Let me just grab a few things, and we can be off. There’s a lovely cafe just across the street that I frequent, if that interests you.”

  
“That’d be great,” Laura answered enthusiastically. She waited in the doorway as Dr. Lengel grabbed his jacket (which was the same grey color as the rest of the three-piece suit), and a brown leather portfolio, and then headed out the door, Laura falling into step beside him.

  
“Now, I’ve looked over your application, and spoken with Nick––Professor Scott––and I have to say, I am impressed. I am curious, though, as to why you didn’t apply earlier? Before the deadline, I mean.”

  
Laura gulped nervously––she’d known that question was coming, but she still wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. “Well, I’ve been really busy with my work at the women’s shelter,” she began. “But quite honestly, it was some unforeseen circumstances that kind of threw a wrench in my plans.”

  
“Well, as they say, even the best laid plans…” Dr. Lengel mused. “So, what happened?”

  
“It’s kind of a funny story. I ran into this girl––well, she’s 23, so not quite a girl––but I ran into her on the sidewalk when I was walking home one day. There was just something about her that kind of piqued my interest. So I stopped to talk to her… she cursed me out… and then I headed home. About a week later, I saw her again…” Laura hesitated, trying to decide whether she really wanted to go into detail. She decided it was best to be a little more vague (and she didn’t really like the idea of telling a complete stranger that Carmilla used to sell herself to get high). “I could tell she was in trouble. She was high, and she was a little banged up, and I wanted to help. So I talked to her for a little while, and eventually I took her to the women’s shelter to stay there for a night.”

  
“She cursed at you the first time you met, and you went back to help her anyway?” Dr. Lengel asked.

  
“Well, I didn’t exactly hunt her down or anything,” Laura replied. “I guess she just lived near my walk home, so I ran into her a couple times.”

  
“This girl, did she stay at the women’s shelter?”

  
“No. We really don’t have the facilities to support someone who’s on drugs or detoxing, so I was going to take her to the recovery shelter on the other side of town. But they don’t take people who are detoxing either. So I took her back to my apartment and helped her through the detox there.”

  
“Just to clarify,” Dr. Lengel began, “You took a girl that you’d only met twice, who was high on drugs, back to your apartment so she could detox from those drugs?”

  
“Well, yeah,” Laura said, suddenly unsure of herself.

  
“I can certainly see why that may have made you miss the deadline.” Dr. Lengel laughed before continuing, “And this girl, how is she doing these days?”

  
“She’s doing really well,” Laura said, smiling. “I haven’t talked to her in a couple weeks, but she’s actually out at an inpatient rehab facility so that she can really beat her addiction. I think she’s actually hoping to study here as well, eventually.” Laura was a little vague on the details––she didn’t feel like she needed to let Dr. Lengel know that she’d started dating the girl from the streets.

  
“That’s excellent news. I hope she does well.” They’d reached the cafe, and Dr. Lengel held the door open for Laura. They took their seat, and ordered––tea and a sandwich for Dr. Lengel, hot chocolate and soup for Laura. “Now that we’ve discussed that, there are some more routine questions I’d like to ask. You may have answered some of these on your application already, but just bear with me. I like to ask these questions in person as well––it gives me a better idea of your thought process and motivations. So, for starters, why do you want to pursue a master’s in psychology?”

  
“For me, psychology has always been about helping people,” Laura started. She’d been practicing these answers ever since Professor Scott had told her that Dr. Lengel wanted to do an interview. “I got interested in psychology because in high school, one of my friends came out as genderfluid, and I did my best to help them out, and the more I talked to them and saw them work through that transition, the more I wanted to be able to help people like them someday. And that’s really still what pushes me. I love working at the shelter, and I love my families, but my favorite part of that job is getting to work one-on-one with the women and kids that come in, and seeing them make changes in their lives. I want to get a master’s so I can open my own practice, where I can work with more people like that, but where I can also work with people from across the boards and from different experiences.”

 

Laura spent nearly three hours talking to Dr. Lengel, answering his questions about her experience, interests, and goals. Once he was done with his questions, Laura had several of her own to ask him about the program. There were so many things she wanted to know! By the time they parted, Laura felt much more calm than she had when she’d first showed up at his office. And as he shook her hand, promising to get in touch with her within a week, she felt optimistic about her chances.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

More than a week had passed since Laura had called Carmilla, drunk, on her birthday, and Carmilla hadn’t heard anything else from her, other than a text that said: _Thanks, Carm! I hope everything’s going well at Lifestyles. Miss you!_

  
Carmilla assumed that Laura didn’t even remember calling, but she played the conversation over and over in her head anyway. It wasn’t exactly how she’d imagined Laura saying ‘I love you’ for the first time, but it made Carmilla smiled every time she remembered it.

  
Dr. Devine also seemed to be in agreement with Nicki: they’d spent their last few sessions discussing Carmilla’s struggle to value herself as much as she should, and although Carmilla was making slow progress, Dr. Devine seemed confident that they were making huge strides towards rectifying some of the damage Carmilla’s mother had done.

  
“What about when your mother and father were still married?” Dr. Devine asked, during one of their sessions. “What was your mother like then?”

  
“She was still… mother,” Carmilla said, shrugging.

  
“Yes, but you’ve said before that your father died, your mother wasn’t overtly abusive. Was she loving?”

  
Carmilla let out a bark of a laugh. “That is a word that no one would ever use to describe my mother––at any point in her life. She was never sweet, definitely never loving. The best I can say for her is that there were times when she wasn’t completely cruel.”

  
“So you only ever had your father to tell you that he loved you; that you mattered?”

  
“Well, I mattered to my mother too,” Carmilla replied. “Only I mattered to her because she loved having someone she could hit.”

  
“I’m just trying to get you to see your own value,” Dr. Devine explained. “Listening to you talk about your past, it sounds like your father was really the only one who showed that he loved you. You haven’t had anyone to tell you that you matter for the last fourteen years––you had your mother, who demonstrated every day that she didn’t care for your well-being, and then you were living on the streets, where your only value to people was what you could give them.”

  
“Gee, that’s a great summary of my tragic backstory,” Carmilla commented dryly.

  
“I’m just trying to show you that your self-worth has been shaped by the people who were part of your life––but it doesn’t need to be. You fought through all of that––”

  
“Thanks to heroin.”

  
“––and now you’re here, so you’re obviously incredibly strong. You should be proud of the things you’ve done, and how far you’ve come.” Dr. Devine talked over Carmilla’s comment, pressing through with her praise. “Look at the people in your life now. Who’s most important to you?”

  
“Laura,” Carmilla answered immediately. She thought for a minute longer before she continued, “Mattie. Ms. Brown. Maybe JP, depending on what he thinks of me when I’m out of here.”

  
“They all think the world of you, Carmilla. Ms. Hollis has called me at least once a week, asking how you’re doing.” Carmilla’s head shot up––she had no idea that Laura was checking up on her. She’d just assumed, when she hadn’t heard from Laura, that Laura was distancing herself from Carmilla as long as she was still at Lifestyles. Dr. Devine continued, “Mattie checks in with me any time you go more than three days without talking to her. Ms. Brown worked very hard to get you here, and drove you here herself. I don’t know much about JP, but you’ve told me that he kept you on his insurance so that you could come here. All these people care about you, and they want to see you do well. If you could just see in yourself what all those people see in you, you would think much more highly of yourself.”

  
“Yeah, but they don’t know some of the things I’ve done,” Carmilla muttered.

  
“Ms. Hollis found you unconscious in your bathroom with a needle in your arm,” Dr. Devine pointed out. “And you told me that she saw you get pushed out of the car after you had…” Dr. Devine trailed off, uncertain of the best way to phrase it.

  
“After I sold sex to some guy so I could go buy more drugs,” Carmilla finished for her, giving Dr. Devine a cold stare.

  
“All I’m trying to show you is that Ms. Hollis, at least, has seen some of the uglier parts of your past, and she still thinks pretty highly of you.”

  
“She loves me,” Carmilla whispered, remembering the conversation they’d had on Laura’s birthday.

  
“Exactly.”

 

 

They spent the rest of the hour talking about Carmilla’s opinion of herself, and the ways that she could shift her thinking to try and see herself the way her loved ones saw her. Carmilla was doubtful, and she didn’t really understand why she needed to change her opinion of herself. She’d done so many stupid things, and she still struggled to understand what Laura saw in her. But knowing that Laura loved her was enough for Carmilla. She didn’t quite understand why her opinion of herself was so important.

  
At the end of their session, Carmilla leaned forward and asked, “So, Dr. Devine, do you think I can leave at the end of the 90 days? Or do I need to stay longer?”

  
“Unless something happens to change things, I think you’ll be ready to go home.” Dr. Devine answered, smiling. “You’ve made a lot of progress, and I think with the things you’ve picked up here, and some of the issues we’ve been working on, you’re more than capable of reentering your life in the city. Mattie is from the city as well, so you will have a built-in support system waiting for you. Just a little more than two weeks… do you think you’re ready for it?”

  
“I’m ready to go home,” Carmilla said, nodding.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

The week after Laura’s interview with Dr. Lengel seemed to crawl by. She couldn’t stop checking her email and phone, waiting for some kind of news on whether or not she would be a student that fall. She tried to stay relaxed over the weekend, reminding herself that not everyone checked in on their jobs during the weekend. By the Wednesday after their interview, Laura was getting nervous. Dr. Lengel had said he’d get in touch with her within the week, and that week would be up on Friday. With every day that passed, Laura was more and more worried that she hadn’t gotten in.

  
She was at home on Thursday night, after she’d gotten home from work. Life had settled down a little bit more, now that she was done with her classes, and she was back to spending her evenings watching TV, and working on paperwork for some of her families.

  
When her phone started buzzing, Laura launched towards it, so eager to answer that she knocked it off the coffee table. She jumped up from the sofa, ran to the other side of the table, and snatched up the phone.

  
“Hello?”

  
“Is this Laura Hollis?” the caller was a man, but Laura couldn’t tell if it was Dr. Lengel or not.

  
“Yes. May I ask who’s calling?” Laura’s heart was hammering.

  
“I’m calling on behalf of Dr. Lengel. My name’s Theo, I’m one of the grad students in Dr. Lengel’s program, I work in his office sometimes. Dr. Lengel wanted me to apologize on his behalf. He would have called himself, but he was pulled into a meeting. Dr. Lengel would like to extend an offer for a position in the psychology graduate program at Silas this fall.”

  
“Seriously?” Laura demanded, ecstatic.

  
“Quite,” Theo answered. “Are you going to accept?”

  
“Yeah! I mean, yes, absolutely!”

  
“Excellent. Let’s schedule an appointment next week, you can come in and fill out the paperwork to make it official.”

 

By the time Laura hung up the phone, she had an appointment with Dr. Lengel the following Wednesday to go through her paperwork and officially enroll as a graduate student at Silas that fall. As soon as she hung up the phone, Laura clutched it tightly, and let out a gleeful shriek. Everything was falling into place: Carmilla would be out of Lifestyles in less than two weeks, and Laura would be a grad student that fall. Now if Laura could just figure out how to patch everything up with Carmilla, everything in her life would be right where she wanted it.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

The last two weeks at Lifestyles flew past, and before Carmilla knew it, it was time to head back to the city. She was sitting on the couch, her bag on the floor next to her. Her book was open in her lap, but Carmilla had been reading the same sentence for the last half hour, without really even processing what it said.  
“Are you ready, Carmilla?” Dr. Devine asked, poking her head into the suite that Carmilla had called home for the last three months. “Your ride just got here.”

  
“Yeah, guess so,” Carmilla said. Mattie had promised to come pick her up, and Carmilla was looking forward to returning to the city for the first time in months. 

“Hey, you don’t get to sneak out without saying goodbye!” Nicki said, crossing the living room and giving Carmilla a hug before Carmilla had time to react. “You’re going to kill it out there, I know it. And I already put my number in your phone, so hit me up sometime. I’m only going to be here for another couple weeks, and then I’m back in the city too. Maybe we can get together sometime.”

  
“Yeah, maybe,” Carmilla said, smiling at Nicki. Carmilla had never needed many friends, but she thought that maybe it was time to make some changes in her life. And it would be nice to have more than just one person who understood what it was like to deal with addiction.

  
“Take care of yourself, Carm,” Mel said, holding out her hand to shake Carmilla’s. Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh as she shook Mel’s hand. They’d lived together the entire time they were at Lifestyles, and knew more about each other than just about anyone else. And yet, their relationship had remained formal at best.

  
“Go win back that girl of yours!” Jenn called, winking at Carmilla as Carmilla rolled her eyes and headed out the door.

  
“Are you excited?” Dr. Devine asked. “It’s a big day for you.”

  
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to getting back out there. I’m just glad Mattie could come get me today. I think it’d be a little overwhelming if I didn’t have someone there to help me out, at least for the first day. Especially since I don’t exactly have a place at the moment.”

  
“Actually, another friend of yours came to see you as well.”

  
“Really?” Carmilla asked, her heart leaping, her mind immediately jumping to Laura––she couldn’t even describe how much it would mean to her if Laura had come to pick her up.

  
“Yes,” Dr. Devine replied, grinning. “The woman that dropped you off… Ms. Brown? She’s very excited to see the progress you’ve made. She’s very proud of you, Carmilla.”

  
“Oh,” Carmilla said, trying not to sound disappointed. Of course she was glad that Ms. Brown had come to greet her. Ms. Brown had helped her through a lot, and Carmilla wouldn’t even be where she was now without Ms. Brown’s help. But she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t been thrilled at the thought of Laura being there, as if nothing had happened between the two of them.

  
“I have to say, Carmilla, I’m impressed and so very proud of how far you’ve come. I have so much confidence in you, and I’m sure you’re going to go on and do great things.”

  
They’d reached the front door, and Carmilla could see Mattie and Ms. Brown outside, talking to each other as if they’d known each other for years. Then Carmilla realized that maybe they had––maybe Ms. Brown had helped Mattie in all the same ways she’d helped Carmilla. It made sense; the more Carmilla learned about Mattie, the more she felt like they were sisters. And they already had so much in common, it wouldn’t surprise Carmilla to learn that they had yet another person that linked their backgrounds.

  
“Well, I guess this is goodbye,” Dr. Devine said, holding her arms open to give Carmilla a hug. “I certainly hope that you never have cause to come back here, but don’t be a stranger. If you ever need anything, I’m always here.”

  
Carmilla hugged Dr. Devine, and grinned as she grabbed her bag and tossed it over her shoulder. It was time to enter the ‘real world’ (as all the girls in Lifestyles called it), and Carmilla was excited to see what the future would hold, especially now that she was sober. “Thanks for everything,” Carmilla said, looking back over her shoulder and smiling at Dr. Devine before heading out to greet Mattie and Ms. Brown.

  
“Carmilla!” they both called, each of them holding their arms out to her. She hugged them each, wrapping her arms around their shoulders and holding them tightly for a moment before stepping back.

  
“Thank you, both, for coming. It’s nice to feel like I have people there for me.”

  
“For people like us, darling, family is what you make it,” Mattie said, her hand still resting on Carmilla’s arm.

  
“Speaking of family,” Ms. Brown began. She never got to finish her sentence.

  
“What the––” Carmilla gasped as something slammed into her side, knocking her off balance. She staggered for a few steps, but managed to keep her feet under her. The weight against her was gone as quickly as it had come, and Carmilla looked around, bewildered, and searching for her near-tackler. Her face brightened, and her entire body felt lighter when her eyes landed on Laura. Laura. She was standing in front of Carmilla, her eyes bright with tears, and a broad grin stretching across her face.

  
“Hey,” Laura said, beaming.

  
“Hey,” Carmilla replied, taking a step forward and closing the distance between them. She knew that they’d broken up, and she knew that they should talk before they jumped back into anything. But she couldn’t stop herself. Carmilla raised her hands to cup Laura’s face, hesitated for a fraction of a second, and then pressed her lips to Laura’s. She kissed her, and then pulled away slightly, her forehead resting against Laura’s. As much as Carmilla wanted to keep kissing Laura, for as long as she possibly could, she wanted to make sure this was something that Laura wanted too. So she waited, and it only took a second before Laura pulled Carmilla close again, her fingers at the back of Carmilla’s head, twisted in Carmilla’s hair, holding her close as she kissed her again.

  
It wasn’t like their first kiss. It wasn’t like any of the kisses they’d shared when they’d dated. It was better. It made Carmilla feel like there was hope, like nothing else mattered anymore, as long as they had each other. And it felt like a promise. Like Carmilla was promising that she’d do everything she could to never lose Laura again. It just felt right.

  
“Ah, to be young and in love,” Mattie said, more loudly than she really needed to, after Laura and Carmilla had kissed for longer than Mattie felt like watching. Carmilla pulled away from Laura, her face red as she turned to look at Mattie.

  
“Sorry, guys. I’m happy to see you too,” Carmilla said, her hand sliding down Laura’s arm, their fingers automatically intertwining, as if that was where they were meant to be. Carmilla smiled as she felt Laura shift closer to her, and raise the hand that wasn’t already holding Carmilla’s to grip lightly around Carmilla’s upper arm.

  
“Don’t mention it,” Ms. Brown said, laughing. “And, although you may have guessed it, Laura’s going to be your ride home. She said she wanted to spend some time alone with you before we all go out for dinner tonight.”

  
Laura leaned into Carmilla, grinning and pressing a kiss to Carmilla’s shoulder. Carmilla was smiling ear to ear, and she tilted her head slightly so that the side of her head brushed against the top of Laura’s. They fit together like puzzle pieces, and everything that had come between them in the months leading up to that moment no longer seemed to matter.

  
“We’ll see you guys there,” Laura said, squeezing Carmilla’s hand and tugging her gently towards the car. Carmilla was more than happy to follow along. She’d hoped that she and Laura could work things out once she was out of Lifestyles––but this was more than she’d ever dared to hope for.

  
“I didn’t think I’d see you for a little while,” Carmilla said, her voice soft.

  
“I thought about waiting until you’d been back and settled in for a little bit longer before I tried to get in touch,” Laura admitted. “But I missed you too much.”

  
“God, I missed you too,” Carmilla said, leaning down to kiss Laura again before they separated to move to different sides of the car. “More than I can say.”

  
There was a pause in the conversation as they got in the car, and as soon as they were both in, Carmilla reached across the console, grabbed the back of Laura’s head, and pulled her in for another kiss, biting at Laura’s bottom lip.

  
“Woah there, lady killer,” Laura said, pushing gently against Carmilla’s shoulder. “Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean we’re back together.”

  
Carmilla felt her heart sink, and although she tried to keep smiling, she felt her face drop slightly.

  
“I mean––shit, that didn’t come out right,” Laura said hurriedly. “I still want us to talk, and see where things are. But I do want us to be back together.”

  
“Me too,” Carmilla said, smiling.

  
“I found this artist that I think you might like.” Laura switched the subject quickly, and reached for the aux cord in her car and plugged in her phone. “Her name’s Halsey, and she just writes such good music. A lot of the songs made me think of you.”

  
“Is that a good thing?” Carmilla asked, as Laura shifted the car into drive and pulled out of Lifestyle’s drive.

  
“You tell me.”

  
As they drove away from Lifestyles, Carmilla turned and looked out the back window, just to get one last look at the center that had helped her turn her life around. She owed so much to that place, and shc couldn’t quite believe that she was already leaving it behind.

  
“Are you going to miss it?” Laura asked, glancing over at Carmilla.

  
“Yes and no. It helped me so much. And it’s great to be surrounded by people who are either going through the same things, or are there to help. But it can be isolating. I don’t want to spend all my time so far away from everything. I am going to miss my music room though.”

  
“I can’t wait to hear you play something!”

  
“Well, find me a piano, and maybe I will.”

 

They drove for a little while, Carmilla listening to the music that filled the car. At some point, Laura reached across the console and grabbed Carmilla’s hand, lacing her fingers through Carmilla’s and resting their hands in Carmilla’s lap.

  
“So, what are you going to do now that you’re back?” Laura asked.

  
“Well, go back to the bookshop, first. I’ve got to start making some money so that I can pay JP back for the insurance. I owe Lifestyles a lot of money, too. I promised JP I would go back and work for him, so I guess that comes next. Then I’ll see where life takes me. I’ll have to find somewhere to live, too. Mattie said I could live with her for a while––”

  
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Laura said, cutting across Carmilla. “All your stuff is already in the guest room at my place, you should just stay there. It makes the most sense. Plus then we can talk, for as long as we need to, and you don’t have to worry about getting back to Mattie’s.”

  
It didn’t take anything more than that to convince Carmilla to stay at Laura’s. Everything was going so well, Carmilla was half-afraid that she’d wake up, back at Lifestyles, and realize that the whole thing had just been a dream.

  
“I’m so glad you’re back,” Laura said. “How do you feel?”

  
“I feel different. Stronger,” Carmilla said. “And insanely happy to see you again,”

  
“Me too,” Laura agreed. “And now we can be roommates again. We haven’t done that since you were detoxing.”

  
“I don’t know if that counts,” Carmilla countered. “I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind then.” There was a long pause before Carmilla said. “Listen, I’m sorry for the things I put you through. I never meant for you to have to see me like that, and I wish I could take it back. I didn’t want you to worry about me so much. I’m going to be better. I’ll always struggle with it. I’m never going to be as cheerful or optimistic as you. But I’m going to be better.”

  
“It’s okay, Carm,” Laura said, smiling. “That’s all I ask. Um… I was kind of thinking though, that maybe we should wait a little while, and see how you’re doing before we jump back into things?”

  
Carmilla raised her eyebrows. “You tackled me the minute I was out of Lifestyles, and then we immediately started kissing. And you said we’re going to be roommates.”

  
“You have a point,” Laura laughed.

  
“And you’ve been holding my hand for the last twenty minutes,” Carmilla added, raising their hands and pressing a kiss to the back of Laura’s hand.

  
“Okay, yeah, maybe we’ve already jumped back into things. I just… I don’t know if I can handle getting hurt again, and I know Dr. Devine said you’ve been making great progress, and she thinks you’ve really beaten this…”

  
“But…?”

  
“But I’m just worried about what’s going to happen when we get back to the city, that’s all.”

  
“Nothing’s going to happen, Laur. I’ve spent the last three months learning how to deal with my addiction. I figured out a lot about the shit I’ve been through. I don’t need heroin anymore. All that’s going to happen when we get home is that I’m going to go back to work. My sponsor will probably come by every once in awhile. And you and I will find plenty of ways to keep ourselves occupied.”

  
“That sounds perfect,” Laura breathed, beaming at Carmilla. “But some things have changed while you were gone. You weren’t the only one off finding yourself!”

  
“Oh really?”

  
“Really.” Laura was practically squirming. She’d been waiting to tell Carmilla this for weeks, and now that they were together again, she couldn’t wait any longer. “I’m starting school again in the fall!”

  
“That’s awesome!” Carmilla said, squeezing Laura’s hand. “Where at?”

  
“Silas,” Laura said, matter-of-factly. “I told you about the classes I was taking, right? I took two classes there this summer, and I loved being back in school. Plus I’m ready to start moving forward, so that in a few years I can open my own practice. Or at least join a practice where I can do more one-on-one counseling. The professor from my one summer class helped me get in an application, and even though I was late in applying, the department head interviewed me and he said I’d be a great fit for the department! I’ll be a student again in August!”

  
“Are you going to keep working at the shelter?”

  
“No, probably not. I’m working on transferring some of my families to one of the other counselors. Oh! Will’s doing well, by the way. He was in my class this summer. Him and Danny. I thought it was going to be super awkward at first, but we were actually able to work really well together.”

  
Carmilla twitched her head when she heard Danny’s name, but she tried to pretend she hadn’t noticed. She’d only been back with Laura for half an hour, the last thing she needed was to start acting jealous.

  
“I can’t believe you’re actually back,” Laura squeaked, squeezing Carmilla’s hand again. She leaned towards Carmilla for a moment, as if she were going to rest her head on Carmilla’s shoulder, but then she remembered that she was driving, and she straightened back up. For now, she would have to settle for holding hands.

 

 

Laura drove them straight to the restaurant, although part of her wished she could just drive back to her apartment and keep Carmilla all to herself for the night. But Ms. Brown and Mattie wanted to celebrate Carmilla’s success at Lifestyles, and Laura wasn’t going to be the one to stand in the way of that. So she parked behind the Italian restaurant that Ms. Brown had selected for the occasion, and she and Carmilla headed into the restaurant, hand in hand.

  
“There she is!” Mattie called, waving to Carmilla as soon as she saw her. She and Ms. Brown were already seated, side by side, in a booth against the wall, and Laura and Carmilla hurried over to join them. “Welcome back to the real world, darling.”

  
“Thanks, Mattie,” Carmilla said, grinning. She noticed, out of the corner of her eye, as Laura shot Mattie a distrustful look, but she just brushed it aside. Carmilla would have to explain later that ‘darling’ and ‘dear’ were just terms of endearment to Mattie, but they didn’t really mean anything.

  
“It’s a pleasure to see you again, Ms. Karnstein,” Ms. Brown said, beaming. “You look wonderful.”

  
“Thank you, it turns out that sobriety looks good on me,” Carmilla replied.

“I knew it would.”

  
There was silence for a minute before Carmilla said, “Well, I know that Mattie and Ms. Brown know each other, but I don’t think you two know much about each other.” Carmilla motioned from Laura to Mattie. “Laura’s my…” Carmilla faltered, unable to think of the right word to use.

  
“I’m your girl,” Laura filled in. “Not girlfriend––yet. But I’m your girl.” Carmilla grinned as Laura moved her hand over to rest on Carmilla’s leg.

  
“So, Laura’s my girl. And Mattie is my sponsor. She’s really helped me out a lot over the past few months. Turns out we both used to live in the library. We had the same dealer. We may have even spent some nights as neighbors.”

  
“Well, as close to neighbors as you can get when your ‘house’ is a cardboard box,” Mattie added.

  
“Touché,” Carmilla replied with a laugh. “Well, Mattie, I know I’ve told you at least a little bit about Laura––”

  
“That’s one of the most egregious understatements I’ve ever heard,” Mattie remarked, winking at Carmilla, who had draped her arm over Laura’s shoulder.

  
“Well, anyway, she’s a counselor over at the women’s shelter. She took care of me from just about the first day she met me. She’s actually going back to school this fall, to get her master’s in psychology. My girl’s going to have a master’s degree, and I’ve barely got a high school diploma,” Carmilla laughed, but quickly pressed a kiss to Laura’s cheek.

  
“Congratulations, Ms. Hollis!” Ms. Brown said, nodding to Laura. “That’s very exciting.”

  
“Thank you. And Carm, you know you can join me there whenever you want. You could start your undergrad in the spring!”

  
“I think I’d have to figure out what I want to study first,” Carmilla remarked.

  
“I thought you wanted to study philosophy?” Laura asked, pulling away from Carmilla just enough to look her over.

  
“I did, and I’m still interested in it. But after everything I did with music therapy at Lifestyles, I think I might want to look into playing or composing or something.”

  
“You would be wonderful!” Mattie interjected. “Just imagine, Carmilla Karnstein, the great composer. You could have entire symphonies at your command!”

  
“Let’s not get too carried away,” Carmilla said, laughing. “For now, I’m heading back to the bookshop to work with JP again. I need to pay off some of what I owe Lifestyles before I can look at school.”

  
“There are scholarships,” Laura suggested. “Don’t sell yourself short if money’s the only thing in your way. But we can look at that stuff later. How does it feel to be back?”

  
“It’s great,” Carmilla said, smiling at the three of them. “It’s really great to be here.”

 

 

As dinner wore on, Carmilla felt more and more comfortable, although she couldn’t help but notice that Laura seemed to be shooting Mattie the occasional suspicious glare. But Mattie didn’t seem to have noticed, so Carmilla just let it go. She could always ask Laura about it later. Laura left her hand on Carmilla’s leg until dinner arrived, and she reluctantly picked it up so that she could actually use her silverware.

  
Ms. Brown kept asking Carmilla questions about Lifestyles, and Carmilla could tell that she was interested in learning things that she might be able to put to use at the recovery shelter. Carmilla answered everything as best as she could, and Mattie filled in wherever her experience differed from Carmilla’s. Laura seemed more than content to remain silent for the time being, her hand drifting back to Carmilla’s leg once she finished her plate.

  
Eventually, they all finished up dinner, and Mattie picked up the tab. “It’s the least I can do to celebrate this, my dear,” she said as she signed her name with a flourish. “Call me whenever you need me. Oh, and darling?” Carmilla turned to look at Mattie. “Now that we’re in the same city, perhaps I’ll show you how we can have a good time––without drugs.”

  
“Sounds good,” Carmilla said, breaking into a grin. She hugged Mattie, and even Ms. Brown, and then turned back to Laura, and tossed her arm around Laura’s shoulders as they walked out of the restaurant. Carmilla kissed the top of Laura’s head and hugged her tightly against her side as they neared the car. “Let’s go home.”


	26. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Carmilla discuss the future for their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: descriptions of abuse and self-harm.
> 
> I can't believe this is the last chapter already!! It's been so much fun to write, thank you all for reading it and for your words of encouragement. I really enjoyed writing again, so maybe I'll write more soon (once I get a good idea). I'm on tumblr at hurtleturtle.tumblr.com if you want to come say hi :)

When they got back to the apartment, Carmilla grabbed her bag from the back seat and tossed it over her shoulder. Laura was waiting at the front of the car, her hand outstretched while she waited for Carmilla to take grab her hand again. Now that they were actually back together––even if they hadn’t figured out what their relationship status was––Laura felt like she had to keep a grip on Carmilla. Like if she wasn’t holding her hand, or touching her leg, Carmilla might slip away from her again.

  
They headed up to the apartment, and when they got to Laura’s door, she unlocked it, swung the door open, and stepped aside so that Carmilla could go through first. Carmilla walked slowly into the living room, looking around as if she needed to reacquaint herself with the space. She took a few steps towards the couch, and then dropped her bag on the floor, and turned around, arms open, to hug Laura.

  
Laura was more than happy to throw herself into Carmilla’s arms, hugging her tightly around Carmilla’s ribs and burying her head in the crook of Carmilla’s neck. Carmilla hugged back, her arms wrapping around Laura’s shoulders, her head tilted just enough for her cheek to be pressed to the side of Laura’s head.

  
“Alright, can we talk?” Laura asked, stepping away from Carmilla, though her hands were still holding the other girl’s.

  
“Yeah, of course,” Carmilla said. She followed Laura into the living room, and they took seats on either end of the couch. Carmilla watched Laura, waiting for her to speak first.

  
“Okay, well, since we’re not really together but I’m pretty sure we both want to be, I think we need to just sort some things out,” Laura began. Carmilla struggled not to let out a short laugh––Laura sometimes seemed to have a way of understating things, and saying that she was pretty sure they wanted to be together seemed like one of her worst understatements yet. “I guess I’ll start. So, you probably already kind of get this, but I never really wanted to break up with you. It was just that it was really starting to take a toll on me, worrying about you all the time, and I’ve always been a firm believer in taking care of myself, even if I’m not always so good on actually acting on that. But I just cared––care about you too much to watch you keep hurting yourself the way you were.”

  
Laura paused, taking a deep breath to try and steady herself. “And I need to kind of set that as a rule going forward: I’m not going to watch you destroy yourself, Carm. I care about you too much to watch you relapse over and over, and, honestly, it’s not fair of you to put me in that position either.”

  
Carmilla nodded, waiting for Laura to say more. But Laura just watched Carmilla, and Carmilla realized that she was waiting for Carmilla to say something. She stumbled for a moment, trying to figure out what she needed to say as she started speaking. “I-uh-I know, Laur. Um, and I never wanted to put you in that position. The relapses, and the worrying about whether I was safe or not. If I could, I would protect you from every bad thing in this world, because you’re too good to have to deal with it. I’m just sorry that so much of my past is so dark.”

  
Laura shifted slightly, her hand moving towards Carmilla for a fraction of a second before she pulled it back. She wanted to reach out and comfort Carmilla, but she thought it best if they both just focused on the conversation.

  
“But,” Carmilla said, her voice slightly louder. She kept reminding herself that she needed to be open with Laura. If she wanted things to work, she would have to communicate. “I also need you to understand that my past, and all the ugly things that go with it, are part of who I am. I will never be as optimistic or as cheerful as you. I’ve seen too much of the worst parts of people to ever expect the best from things. And I need to know that you don’t just like the cleaned-up, put-together version of me. My sobriety can’t be your reason for liking me. I can’t promise that I’ll never relapse again. I am and always will be an addict. There will be some days when I struggle with it, and I cannot guarantee that there will never come a day when I’m not able to say ‘no’ to heroin.”

  
Carmilla forced herself to meet Laura’s eyes, even though it broke her heart to say that. It didn’t help that Laura’s eyes were brimming with tears as she listened. Carmilla pressed on, hoping that what she was going to say next would be good enough for Laura. “The only thing I can promise you is that I’m going to fight like hell to stay sober. I’ve come so far. I’ve so much to live for and so many things to look forward to. I know how to handle my addiction. I’ve got more people helping me than I ever did before. So, no, I can’t promise that I’ll never use again. But I assure you that I will do everything in my power to keep it from happening.”

  
Laura nodded, swiping the tears from her cheeks with her thumbs. She let out a nervous laugh, and took a moment to compose herself before she replied, “Thank you, Carm. I know that none of this has been easy for you, but that was what I was hoping you would say. And you know that you can talk to me about anything, right? Just because I worry about you doesn’t mean I don’t want to know when something’s going on. I know you’ve got Dr. Devine, and your sponsor, and everyone, but I want you to know that you can talk to me too.”

  
“Of course! You were the first person I actually felt I could confide in. Nothing’s going to change that,” Carmilla assured the smaller girl, finally breaking the space between them as she shifted towards Laura. Laura shifted too, and they ended up sitting side by side, Laura leaning into Carmilla’s side, Carmilla wrapping her arm around Laura’s shoulders, and raising her hand to run her fingers through Laura’s hair. Carmilla knew that there were some things she could never tell Laura: some of the things her mother had done; some of the things Carmilla had done when she’d lived on the streets. But she wanted to be as honest as she could, moving forward.

  
“So does this mean we’re good?” Laura asked, turning to look at Carmilla.

  
“I hope so,” Carmilla replied, her voice soft and low. “Do you think we’re good?”

  
“Definitely,” Laura said, dropping her head to Carmilla’s shoulder, and running her hand across Carmilla’s stomach. “So I guess you can call me your girlfriend again.”

  
“I like the sound of that,” Carmilla mused, a smile spreading across her face.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *

 

They spent over an hour sitting on the couch, wrapped up in one another, occasionally talking about the things that had happened while they were apart, but mostly just enjoying being together again. Eventually, Laura got up from the couch to get something from the kitchen, and Carmilla followed her, not wanting to let her girlfriend out of her sight for too long.

  
“Did I mention that I missed you?” Carmilla asked, smirking as she watched Laura grab some cookies from a cabinet.

  
“Yeah, but I don’t mind hearing it again,” Laura said, giving Carmilla a huge grin. Laura finished her cookie, and then walked over to Carmilla, still grinning. She wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist and pulled her into a hug.

  
“I missed this,” Carmilla sighed, enjoying the feeling of Laura’s body leaning against hers. This was home.

  
“So, do you want to catch up on some of the TV shows you missed?” Laura asked, pulling away from Carmilla, her hands still lingering on Carmilla’s hips.  
“Actually, I had something else in mind,” Carmilla said.

  
“Really? Does it involved going out again, because I really just feel like staying home with y––” Laura never got to finish her sentence. Carmilla cut her off, grabbing Laura around the waist and pulling her in for a kiss.

  
This wasn’t like the kiss at Lifestyles. There, Carmilla had been gentle, afraid of making the wrong move. But now, she just wanted to show Laura how much she meant to her, and she felt like she was moving without thinking, letting her instincts and emotions take over. She had one hand at the back of Laura’s head, her fingers in Laura’s loosely curled hair. Her other hand was on the small of Laura’s back, her fingers tracing patterns over the shirt. Laura’s hand had moved to cup Carmilla’s cheek, and her other hand was on Carmilla’s stomach, toying with the edge of her shirt.

  
Carmilla pushed Laura back against the couch as she deepened the kiss, her tongue bumping awkwardly into Laura’s lips before Laura caught on and parted her lips, laughing slightly as their tongues brushed against one another. Carmilla let out a soft sigh as she felt Laura’s hand slip under her shirt and slide across her stomach, Laura’s fingertips cold against Carmilla’s skin.

  
“Wait,” Carmilla panted, hating herself as she pulled just barely away from Laura, their foreheads still touching, and noses still bumping against one another. “Wait, are you sure about this?”

  
“Carm, if there’s one thing I’m fairly certain of, it’s that I love you,” Laura answered, kissing Carmilla again before pulling back to add, “And yes, I’m sure.”

  
“I love you too,” Carmilla breathed, her lips crashing back against Laura’s. There was a newfound sense of desperation to their kiss, like they were both afraid that this might all end, and they needed to make the most of the time they did have.

  
The two girls shifted their way onto the couch, moving slowly as they kissed and their hands roamed over each other’s bodies and under each other’s clothes. Laura, sick of having to slide her hand past the hem of Carmilla’s shirt, finally grabbed at the the bottom of the shirt and pulled it up and over Carmilla’s head. They broke their kiss just long enough for Carmilla to help Laura toss the shirt aside, and then they immediately picked up where they’d left off. Carmilla let out a sigh and bit Laura’s lower lip as she felt Laura’s fingers run over her ribs, her stomach, and up to her breasts. She was still wearing her bra, but Laura was tracing light patterns over the fabric, and Carmilla let out a soft moan as she arched her back into Laura’s touch.

  
Eventually, although neither of them was sure how, they ended up on the couch, both shirtless, their hands exploring each other’s skin as they kissed. Carmilla couldn’t remember ever feeling like this––it was like her senses were heightened, and every time Laura’s fingers moved against her skin, Carmilla felt alive.

  
As Laura’s hands slid over Carmilla’s bra, and around to her back to unhook it, Carmilla pulled away, and grabbed Laura’s arms to pull them away from her skin.

  
“What’s wrong?” Laura asked immediately, afraid that she’d messed up. She knew that Carmilla had never been comfortable enough to go much further than that, and Laura was nervous about pushing her too far.

  
“It’s nothing,” Carmilla said, although that was clearly a lie. She waited a moment longer before answering honestly. “It’s just that I’ve never done… this… with someone…”

  
“You’ve never had sex with a girl?” Laura prompted. Carmilla was hesitant, so Laura just wanted to coax it out of her.

  
“No, no, it’s not that,” Carmilla said, shaking her head. Her cheeks were pink, and she hated this moment. Why couldn’t she have just kept going when she’d felt Laura about to unhook her bra? “No, it’s just––I’ve… I’ve never… had sex with someone that I actually really care about. I know what 'fucking' is, but I have no idea what it means to make love to someone.”

  
Carmilla’s voice was so soft that she was afraid that Laura might not have heard her, but when she looked up, there was a strange look in Laura’s eyes. She looked like she was really touched by Carmilla’s words, and there seemed to be a glint of determination in her eyes as well. She leaned forward, raised her hands to either side of Carmilla’s head, and pulled her in for a slow, soft kiss. Then, Laura got up from the couch, took a step toward the bedroom, and turned back to Carmilla, her hand outstretched.

  
“Let me show you,” she said.

  
Carmilla looked up at Laura, her eyes wide, and she dropped her hand into Laura’s, sighing contentedly as Laura’s fingers closed around hers. Carmilla let Laura pull her up from the couch, and she followed Laura into the bedroom, her heart still pounding in her chest. She followed after Laura, into the bedroom they used to share. She let Laura push her, gently, and she fell back into the bed, shifting onto her elbows as Laura climbed onto the bed, her knees on either side of Carmilla’s hips, her hands on either side of Carmilla’s head, her lips so close to Carmilla’s that Carmilla could feel Laura’s breath against her lips.

  
“I love you,” Laura whispered, her lips brushing against Carmilla’s as she spoke.

  
Carmilla grinned. “I love you too,” she whispered, barely finishing before Laura’s lips were on hers, and Laura’s tongue was in her mouth, and Laura’s hands were on her body, and everything felt right.

  
Laura took her time, kissing every part of Carmilla, running her hands over Carmilla’s skin, and delighting in the moans she elicited from her girlfriend. Carmilla reveled in Laura’s touch, goosebumps erupting as Laura’s fingers moved over her skin, her fingers tangling in Laura’s hair as Laura’s tongue danced over her clit. Carmilla had never felt so good, so free; she lost herself to Laura’s touch. Her fingers were knotted in Laura’s hair, and she broke their kiss to cry out Laura’s name as Laura’s fingers coaxed her over the edge.

  
“I love you, Carmilla Karnstein,” Laura whispered as Carmilla came down. She pressed a kiss to Carmilla’s forehead, and then to the tip of her nose, and then to her lips.

  
“I love you too,” Carmilla replied, sighing into the kiss, and holding Laura’s body close against her own. They’d shared a bed before, but they’d always been wearing at least pants and a bra. This was different, more intimate, and for Carmilla, it was perfect. Their tangled legs, their chests pressed flat against one another––they just fit.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      * 

 

The next morning when Carmilla woke, she found Laura already awake, lying on the bed next to her, her head propped up as she watched Carmilla.

  
“Morning,” Laura said, smiling. She had pulled a sheet over herself, but Carmilla still traced the shape of her body, running her fingers from Laura’s thigh, over her hip, along her side, and up the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss. “Wow,” Laura laughed, pulling away from the kiss. “I guess I figured out how to get you to like mornings.”

  
Carmilla just blushed, running her fingers through her hair, and watching Laura out of the corner of her eye.

  
“Hey, Carm?” Laura asked, her voice soft.

  
“Yeah?”

  
“Um, I was going to ask you about it last night, but what are those scars on your wrist? I’ve never seen them before.” Laura’s voice was quiet; scared.

  
Carmilla sighed and rolled over so that she was just staring up at the ceiling. She hated watching Laura’s expressions when Carmilla talked about the things her mother had done to her. “That was a mistake I made a long time ago.”

  
“You didn’t try to…” Laura’s eyes were brimmed with tears, and her voice was so quiet Carmilla could barely hear her.

  
“It was a long time ago. I don’t know if I was trying to kill myself––if I was, I didn’t do a very good job of it.”

  
“Don’t––” Laura started, but Carmilla cut her off.

  
“I was in high school. A freshman, I think. I was so, so tired of going home every day, knowing what was waiting for me. So, one night, I took a bath and I cut my wrist with a knife I’d stolen from the kitchen. I tried to take a nap, hoping that I just wouldn’t wake up. But I didn’t know anything, or maybe I didn’t really want to die, because this is the cut I made,” Carmilla traced her finger over the scar that ran horizontally across her wrist.

  
“You didn’t do that one?” Laura asked, running her finger over the scar that ran the length of Carmilla vein.

  
Carmilla shook her head, and pulled her wrist away from Laura’s touch. “That would be my mother’s work.” Laura was listening in horror, her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes as Carmilla continued, “She saw the cut on my wrist, and she lost it. She said I couldn’t even kill myself right. She said that she had to do everything herself if she wanted it done right. So she grabbed a knife, and she fought me, and she had me pinned to the ground, and she was sitting on top of me, and she held my arm to the floor with one hand, and cut my wrist with the other. I lost so much blood. It was the only time I really thought that mother might kill me. I had to call Elle. She called 911 and an ambulance had to come to the house. Mother was in rare form that night.”

  
“Didn’t she get in trouble once the ambulance got there?” Laura asked.

  
Carmilla let out a bark of a laugh. “Mother always was an excellent actress. As soon as the ambulance showed up she started sobbing. She said how scared she was, that she was afraid she was going to lose me. As if she hadn’t nearly killed me herself. I had lost too much blood and was too out of it to really speak up for myself.”

  
“I’m so glad you made it here, to me,” Laura said, taking Carmilla’s hand, and raising it so that she could press a line of kisses to the scars on Carmilla’s wrist. “I wish I could have protected you from your mother––from everything. But I am so glad to have you here now.”

  
“Me too,” Carmilla said, rolling over and pulling Laura close against her. Laura’s hair tickled against her chin, and as Carmilla laid there, her arm around her girlfriend, she thought, _This is what home feels like._


	27. A Night to Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I liked writing about them too much to not do one more chapter. Just a little bit of tying up loose ends.

Carmilla stood at the edge of the stage, watching nervously as people filled the seats. It had been three years since she’d left Lifestyles, but sometimes she still expected to wake up and realize that everything that had happened since she’d first met Laura had just been a dream.

  
“Hey.”

  
Carmilla turned, smiling slightly at the sound of her girlfriend’s voice, calling from behind her. “Hey,” Carmilla replied, reaching out, grabbing Laura by the belt-loops on her pants and pulling her close. She wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist, and tilted her head just enough to press her lips to Laura’s.

She smiled into the kiss, and bit gently at Laura’s lip.

  
Laura sighed into the kiss, but raised her hands to Carmilla’s chest and pushed her away gently. They stood, inches apart, Laura’s hands on Carmilla’s chest, and Carmilla’s hands on Laura’s hips. “As much as I would love to continue this,” Laura said, beaming at Carmilla, “You have a concert to introduce. You look amazing, by the way.”

  
“Thanks,” Carmilla said, glancing down at her outfit. She was wearing a perfectly fitted tuxedo, with satiny black pants, that were practically skin-tight. Her crisp, white shirt was tucked into the hem of the pants, and she’d carefully tied a long, thin black tie around her neck. To complete the look, she was wearing a sleek black suit jacket that hugged her curves, especially with the single button buttoned up in the middle.

  
Laura tugged gently on Carmilla’s lapels, which were both leather, and then she ran her hands the length of the lapels, smirking as Carmilla shivered slightly. “Go get ‘em, Carm,” Laura said, giving Carmilla another quick kiss before Carmilla headed out onto the center of the stage. She stood in the wings, leaning against the wall as she watched her girlfriend walk out to the center of the stage, turn to face the audience, and bow slightly. She couldn’t believe that they’d come this far, and that Carmilla was actually standing in front of an audience, about to present her work. She watched, smiling, as Carmilla smoothed her hands nervously over her pants. Laura almost laughed when she realized that Carmilla’s short-clipped fingernails were still painted black––somes things had changed so much, but some things would never change.

  
“Um… good evening, everyone,” Carmilla said, blinking as she adjusted to the bright lights that were shining down on her. She could just barely see her and Laura’s group of friends––LaFontaine and Perry were leaning against one another; Mattie and Ms. Brown were sitting side by side, both sitting up straight and proud; Nicki gave a small wave as she saw Carmilla glance at her; Danny, Kirsch, and Will occupied the last three seats.

  
“A few years ago, I never could have dreamed this was possible. I didn’t even discover my love for music, and writing, until my life led me to a rehabilitation center. While I was there, my therapist introduced me to music therapy, and ever since, music has been my greatest weapon in battling addiction.”

  
Laura listened anxiously, holding her hands tightly together as she watched. She knew that Carmilla had spent weeks working on this introduction, agonizing over her word choice, and then practicing it over and over to make sure that she had it well-memorized. Now, she got to see Carmilla actually put all that practice into action. She could feel her heart hammering against her ribs, and she could only imagine how nervous Carmilla must be.

  
“That journey is what inspired the music you will hear tonight, and I am very excited to share it with you.” Carmilla took another small bow as the audience applauded, and then she turned, and walked back off the stage, passing the musicians as they began to file out and take their seats.

  
“You did really well!” Laura said excitedly, holding out her hand to Carmilla as she reached the edge of the stage. “It went perfectly.”

  
“Thanks, Laur,” Carmilla said, taking Laura’s hand and squeezing. She turned back to the stage and watched as the musicians took their seats and held their instruments at attention, waiting.

  
“Wish me luck!” That was Erik, one of the other students in Carmilla’s year. Carmilla, Erik, and most of the musicians on the stage were all part of the music department at Silas, where Carmilla had been studying for the last two years. She was halfway through earning her degree in music composition, and this concert was her first major presentation of her work. Erik was in the same year, and although he studied composition as well, he was also an accomplished conductor.

  
“Good luck!” Laura whispered as Erik marched out to the podium at the center of the stage. He faced the audience first, bowed, and then turned and bowed to the musicians before grabbing the conductor’s baton. He rapped it twice against the stand in front of him, and all the musicians raised their instruments: strings musicians raised their violins and violas to their shoulders; musicians in the brass section raised their instruments to their lips.  
Laura squeezed Carmilla’s hand again, and leaned against her, dropping her head onto Carmilla’s shoulder as the first notes filled the concert hall.

Carmilla smiled as she listened to the music––she’d heard them practicing it, of course, but nothing could have prepared her for the emotion of this moment. There was a concert hall filled with people who had come just to hear her music––the music that Carmilla had written. And the music sounded beautiful, as though it were meant for this place. The sounds filled the hall, and everything sounded perfect. And Laura was with her, their fingers intertwined, Laura’s head on Carmilla’s shoulder. Carmilla couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.

 

 

The concert lasted for just under two hours, and, with the final notes still echoing through the hall, Carmilla walked back out onto the stage to take her final bow. Erik was standing slightly off center, holding his hand out to welcome her. Carmilla took a bow on her own first, and then grabbed Erik’s hand, and they both bowed together. She could hear the sounds of all the musicians behind her taking their final bow as well.

  
The entire audience was applauding, and as Carmilla looked out, she was overwhelmed by it all. So many people, applauding her for her work, when just four years ago, Carmilla had been a homeless drug addict. It was almost too much to comprehend. Thankfully, after their final bow, the curtains closed, and Carmilla was blocked from view. She turned and shook hands with Erik, thanking him for doing such a wonderful job conducting, and then she headed back off stage, where Laura stood waiting for her.

  
“I’m so proud of you,” Laura reiterated, giving Carmilla another kiss. They kissed, and Carmilla ran her tongue over Laura’s lips––until they were interrupted by the arrival of their friends.

  
“Sorry to interrupt,” LaFontaine said, smiling awkwardly as they stuffed their hands in their pockets. “We just wanted to come say hello––I can’t believe we actually get to tell people we know the composer!”

  
“Thanks, guys,” Carmilla said, smiling as Laura hugged LaFontaine and Perry. Carmilla just nodded; even after knowing them for years, she still didn’t give out hugs too freely.

  
“Carm, that was amazing!” That was Nicki, who came hurrying up from behind LaFontaine and Perry and hugged first Carmilla, and then Laura, grinning at each of them. “I can’t believe you never let us listen when you snuck off to the music room at Lifestyles! If that’s the kind of stuff you write, you must have played some really cool stuff when you were messing around with the piano there!”

  
“I’m glad you made it,” Carmilla said, and she really did mean it. She still couldn’t quite believe that she and Nicki had somehow ended up being friends. But there were some things you couldn’t really go through without becoming friends, and Carmilla was glad to still have Nicki in her life.

  
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world! Sorry Anton couldn’t make it, he’s constantly getting called into work lately. People always seem to get hurt more when winter first starts.” Nicki had started dating Anton, a surgeon at the local hospital, nearly a year after she left Lifestyles and moved back to the city. Just like Carmilla had promised, he loved Nicki for exactly who she was––scars included––and Carmilla had never seen Nicki happier than she was when she was with him.

  
“Carmilla Karnstein, darling, that was simply magnificent!” That was Mattie, who wrapped Carmilla in a familiar embrace, before stepping back a step, her hands resting on Carmilla’s upper arms. “My dear, you have a talent for this kind of thing. I cannot wait to hear what you write next. I am sure it will be nothing short of marvelous.”

  
“Thanks, Mattie.”

  
“Ms. Karnstein!” Ms. Brown said, nodding to Carmilla. “You know, when you first arrived at the recovery center all those years ago, I thought there was something different about you! But this? This is far more than I expected. I am so proud of you.”

  
“Thank you, Ms. Brown, that really means a lot.”

  
“And Mr. Armitage told me to send you his regards. He wanted to be home in time for this, but his flight back was delayed. Apparently the British are not particularly adept at handling large amounts of snow. Mr. Armitage and his husband have been at Heathrow for three days now.” Ms. Brown shook her head in pity for the pair of them. It had been their anniversary, and they’d gone to London to celebrate, but the end of their trip had been marred by an unexpected snow storm.

  
“Well, I plan on doing this for a while,” Carmilla replied happily. “I’m sure they can make it to the next one.”

  
“Dude, that was awesome!”

  
“Hey, Kirsch,” Carmilla said, laughing. Despite the fact that he’d been living on his own, had opened a hardware shop that he ran with the help of current residents at the recovery shelter, and seemed to have his life in order, Kirsch was still the slightly ridiculous, if sensitive, frat brother that Carmilla had first met at the recovery shelter.

  
“Woah, when did this happen?” Laura asked, raising her eyebrows as she stared at Danny and Kirsch––who were holding hands.

  
“Well, Will introduced us a while back, after Wilson started the business, and I guess things just kind of...happened,” Danny said, shrugging her shoulders slightly.

  
Carmilla glanced at Kirsch. She remembered when he’d said that he had hated being called ‘Wilson’ after everything his father had done. But Kirsch just shrugged his shoulders happily, and Carmilla noticed the way he ran his thumb over Danny’s knuckles. They certainly were tall enough for each other, Carmilla noted.

  
“Thanks for coming, everyone, it really means a lot,” Carmilla said, smiling at everyone that was gathered around them. “I hope everyone enjoyed it. I still can’t quite believe that I actually composed works like that. Everyone played their parts so well. Erik’s conducting was well done. I just––I can’t believe I’ve come this far.”

  
“We couldn’t be more proud,” Ms. Brown said. Everyone else nodded their agreement.

  
“Come on, let’s go celebrate!” Laura suggested, grabbing Carmilla’s hand again. Their fingers curled together automatically. After three years, some things seemed to come instinctively. “Dinner’s on me!”

  
“And me,” Mattie chimed in. Although she and Laura were friendly now, they still seemed to have a bit of a rivalry. Mattie was a corporate lawyer these days, but she had been a defense attorney when Laura was still working at the women’s shelter. She had defended one of the men that had abused on of the women Laura worked with, and it had taken Laura months (and much encouragement from Carmilla) to understand that although Mattie defended the man, she did not condone the things he had done.

  
“Excellent,” Kirsch declared, as he and Danny turned to lead the way. “I’m starving. I would’ve brought a snack, but I didn’t know if they’d let us bring food in here.”

  
“Typical,” Danny teased, bumping her shoulder into his.

  
Carmilla and Laura let everyone else lead the way out, and then they fell into step at the rear. This was one of the things Carmilla loved best: the way she and Laura fell into step so easily; the way their hands fit together so perfectly; the way everything just seemed to work when they were together. Things weren’t always perfect, but Laura was home, and every time they fought, they always worked things out in the end. Carmilla had never understood the way people referred to their spouses as their ‘better half,’ but that’s exactly what Laura was.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

 

When they got home after dinner, Laura headed straight for the couch and dropped onto it with a sigh. Although they’d been sitting at dinner, she’d spent most of the day on her feet, helping Carmilla get everything ready for the concert, and her feet still hurt.

  
Carmilla pulled the tuxedo jacket off as she walked into the apartment, and hung it from a hook near the door. She knew she should hang it in the closet, but she could always iron it later. She turned to the living room, where Laura was watching her from the couch.

  
The apartment had changed since Carmilla had first moved in after leaving Lifestyles. The living room was still framed by the couch, love seat, and television, but one of Carmilla’s armchairs had been added to the room as well. There were now two large bookshelves on either side of the TV, filled with books about psychology, music, and philosophy that they had collected over the years. There were also books like the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series mixed in with the textbooks. Most of the posters that Laura and Danny had originally decorated the apartment with had been replaced with artwork chosen mostly by Carmilla (although her favorite skull painting was still not allowed in the living room).

  
Their bedroom hadn’t changed much, although they’d bought a new comforter (grey, because Carmilla hadn’t wanted a brightly colored comforter, but Laura argued that a black comforter made her feel like the bedroom was a coffin). The biggest change was one that wasn’t immediately noticeable: the closet, which had once held only a few pieces of Carmilla’s clothes, was now almost evenly split between Carmilla’s and Laura’s respective wardrobes. Carmilla’s half of the closet was mostly black, while Laura’s contained a lot more color.

  
The guest bedroom was where the apartment had changed most. The bed that Carmilla had slept in while she detoxed was gone; they’d dragged it out to the curb just a few months after Carmilla had returned home from Lifestyles. They’d spent every weekend for a few months transforming the room, until it was part music studio for Carmilla, part office for Laura. They had repainted the room, and then lined the walls with egg-carton foam to make it slightly more soundproofed.

  
Then, after months of saving as much as she could (and with a generous gift from Mattie), Carmilla had bought her piano. It played like an acoustic piano, but there was also a computer built-in that allowed her to choose the sounds of different instruments. There was also a program that essentially worked as an elaborate loop-station: Carmilla could play the part for piano, and then record a strings instrument over top, and keep adding more and more layers until she had the song she wanted. It was what she’d used to write most of the songs that had been performed at the concert that night.

  
On the side of the room opposite the piano was Laura’s desk, where she would often look over notes while Carmilla worked on her music. For two years, Laura had studied notes from her classes and prepared for exams at that desk. But shortly after earning her degree, Laura had joined a psychiatric practice, and the desk had become the place where she could review her patient files at the end of the day.

  
“Come here,” Laura said, raising her arm and nodding towards her chest, inviting Carmilla to lie down with her.

  
Carmilla immediately walked around to the couch and climbed carefully into place. Her stomach settled between Laura’s legs, her head resting on Laura’s chest. She raised her hand to rest it on Laura’s side, her thumb running back and forth over the fabric of Carmilla’s shirt.

  
“You know,” Laura said, resting her hand on Carmilla’s shoulder, “You looked really hot in that tux. Too bad you don’t have many excuses to wear it more often.”

  
“Yeah?” Carmilla asked, twisting slightly so that she was lying on her stomach. She rested her hands flat, one on top of the other, on Laura’s stomach, and then propped her chin up on the back of her hands so she could look up at Laura. She'd been trying to find the right moment all night––it was now or never. “I was kind of thinking the same thing. Actually, I have one song that I’ve been working on that wasn’t part of the concert tonight. Want to hear it?”

  
“Of course!” Laura said eagerly. She waited for Carmilla to get up before she pushed herself up from the couch. She followed Carmilla into their shared workroom, and took a seat in the armchair that they’d left in the room specifically for occasions like this. Carmilla took a seat at the piano bench, and tapped a few buttons on the computer’s touch screen to pull up the file she’d been working on for weeks––all while Laura had been at work.

  
Carmilla hit play on the file, and set her fingertips on the keys, waiting for the point where the piano was supposed to start. The strings started first, soft, but slowly building into louder, more robust sounds as the brass instruments kicked in, adding a whole new dimension. Finally, Carmilla started to play, and the piano joined perfectly with the rest of the instruments. The music filled the small room, and although it was nothing like the concert hall, it was still beautiful, and emotional. Carmilla’s fingers danced lightly over the keys, and she leaned into the keyboard as she played, pouring as much emotion as possible into the song.

  
Laura watched, and listened, enjoying the fact that, out of all the people who’d been at the concert that night, only she got her own private performance. It seemed like a different lifetime when she’d sat in a different chair, in this same room, and watched Carmilla as she writhed on the bed, and struggled through her detox. And the Carmilla that was sitting at the piano now, still wearing her dress shirt and black tie, was a completely different girl than the one that had laid on that bed, sweating and swearing her way through detox.

  
Carmilla played for nearly ten minutes before the song finally came to a close, ending with one final, soft piano chord. She turned to look at Laura, waiting for her reaction.

  
“That was beautiful, Carm. I mean, everything you write is beautiful, but that was just… I guess I’m used to the songs you write about addiction. This one was so… cheerful, hopeful even.”

  
“I can write happy songs too, love,” Carmilla said, smiling as she tucked her hands into her pants pockets.

  
“What’s it called?” Laura asked. She’d never asked that question before, but at the concert that night, Laura had seen the programs, and every song had a title.

  
“Well, I hadn’t officially decided on a title for this one yet…” Carmilla said, getting up from the piano bench and walking over to the armchair where Laura was sitting. “But I was thinking I might call it ‘Marry Me.’” With that, Carmilla pulled the tiny, black, velvet box she’d been carrying all night from her pocket and dropped to one knee, opening the box and holding it out to Laura.

  
Laura’s heart skipped at least two beats, but probably more, and her mouth dropped open. Inside the box was a sparkling diamond, with two blood red rubies on either side of the diamond, set in polished silver band. She glanced from the ring to Carmilla, who was watching her expectantly. “Carm,” she choked, raising her hands to cover her mouth as tears welled in her eyes.

  
“Laura, ever since I first bumped into you on the street corner… so doped up on heroin I barely knew my own name,” Carmilla and Laura both chuckled at the memory of it, “you’ve completely changed my life. There’s no way I have a concert in a hall like I did tonight if you weren’t part of my life. Laur, I have been in love with no one, and never shall, unless it should be with you.”

  
“Is that from one of your books?” Laura asked, tears running down her cheeks.

  
“It doesn’t matter where it’s from. It’s true,” Carmilla said, her heart pounding. This had to be one of the most nerve-wracking moments of her entire life. “So, what do you say, Hollis? Will you marry me?”

  
“Was Fred’s death the worst part of the Harry Potter series?” Laura asked, holding out her hand for Carmilla to slide the ring onto her finger. Even though Carmilla had read the Harry Potter books, she still hesitated, until Laura said, emphatically, “Yes, Carm, yes, of course!”

  
Carmilla beamed, smiling wider than Laura could ever remember seeing her smile before. She pulled the ring from the box with trembling hands, and slid the ring carefully onto Laura’s finger. Laura adjusted it slightly, admiring the pure diamond, and the deep, red rubies for a second before she slid out of the chair to kneel in front of Carmilla, so they were at the same level. She threw her arms around Carmilla’s neck, and crashed her lips against Carmilla’s, their bodies almost immediately flush against one another as they kissed.

  
“Hey, Carm?” Laura asked, kissing Carmilla in between each word.

  
“Hmm?” Carmilla hummed, still kissing Laura.

  
Laura finally broke the kiss to say, “I think you should wear this for the wedding. You look hot,” Laura tugged on Carmilla’s tie to pull her close again, and her lips immediately found Carmilla’s again. When she felt Carmilla bite and tug gently at her lower lip, she let out a soft moan––after three years together, Carmilla still knew exactly what to do to undo her. “Maybe,” Laura said, cutting herself off as she kissed Carmilla again, “we should,” she interrupted herself with another kiss––sometimes it was so hard to keep from kissing Carmilla–– “move this to the bedroom,” Laura finally finished, speaking quickly so that she could get it all out before she kissed Carmilla again.

  
“Good idea,” Carmilla said, getting to her feet, and grabbing Laura’s hands and pulling her to her feet as well. She held Laura’s hand, loving the feel of Laura’s engagement ring bumping against her fingers as she pulled her into the bedroom.

  
“I can’t wait to go shopping for a wedding dress! And announcements. And, Carm, are you going to wear a dress or a tux, because honestly you look incredible in this get-up, but you’d look great in a dress too. I can’t believe this is actually happening!” Laura squealed as she climbed onto the bed, and turned so that she was kneeling on the edge of the bed and Carmilla was standing in front of her. She reached out and tucked a few strands of Carmilla’s stick-straight black hair behind her ear, and with her other hand, she smoothed down Carmilla’s tie again, her fingers tracing over the edges of Carmilla’s bra.

  
“We’ve got time to think about all that, Laur. For now, I’d actually kind of like to get out of this ‘get-up.’”

  
“That can be arranged,” Laura said mischievously, winking at Carmilla as she loosened her girlfriend’s tie.

  
As they shed their clothes and shifted under the sheets, both Carmilla and Laura shared the same two thoughts: _How did I get so lucky?_ and _God, I love this girl_.

 

 

Hours later, as they finally started to drift off to sleep, Carmilla looked down at Laura’s hand, which was resting over Carmilla’s heart. The ring seemed to sparkle, even in the dark. Carmilla couldn’t believe that Laura, who had always been so kind and so good-hearted, was actually wearing Carmilla’s ring. She admired Laura, who seemed to have already fallen asleep, her head still resting on Carmilla’s shoulder.

  
“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you,” Carmilla whispered, running her fingers over Laura’s bare back, “But I love you so much.”

  
“I love you too,” Laura whispered, so quietly that Carmilla almost didn’t hear her. She pressed her lips to the part of Carmilla’s skin that was closest to her: Carmilla’s chest, just above her breast. Carmilla sighed, and stared up at the ceiling, smiling. She really was the luckiest girl in the world.


End file.
